


Til Kingdom Come

by freckles_n_feathers



Series: Across the Universe [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Castiel Whump, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romantic Soulmates, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Torture, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 09:18:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 124,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5369966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freckles_n_feathers/pseuds/freckles_n_feathers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the Darkness looming over their heads, Team Free Will must figure out how to stop it, but more importantly, they need to understand what it is. Meanwhile, Dean  and Cas can’t hide their true feelings anymore as they embark on their own personal journey in love. Season 11 timeline, AU. (Written before season 11 aired.) Canon until finale of Season 10 (and headcanon)</p>
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	1. Chapter 1

_"For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come. Until my day, my day is done._

_And say you'll come and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."_

[ _-'Til Kingdom Come by_ _Coldplay_ ](http://youtu.be/yo49REpQCwA)

 

 

 

The Darkness.

Castiel couldn't explain how he'd recognized the vile energy earlier when it crashed into the building, knocking the angel off of his feet. The thick smoke swept across his body before turning its attention to Crowley, swirling around him, curiously as if it were alive, somehow. It then soured out of the window in a thunderous roar, leaving the angel dazed and speechless. Whatever its origin, it cleansed him of the magic the witch had placed on him.

How she'd been able to cast a spell on Castiel was beyond him.

Before he'd been knocked to his feet, he watched Crowley fall unconscious. The demon was the least of Cas' worries at that moment. His main concern was with the fact that his grace was being pulled out, little by little, causing all of the nerve endings in his limbs to tingle. It took everything he had to hold himself together as his powers weakened.

After regaining his whereabouts, he had realized what exactly had taken place. Every fiber of his being felt the ancient taint. It was indeed, the Darkness unleashed.

Castiel wasn't alive when God and the archangels fought against the wretched force. He had only heard about it through stories told by his brethren or from reading a few passages in books he had long forgotten about. Castiel didn't even truly understand what it was or why it was back, but something or  _someone_  had set it free and if he had to guess, that cursed book was a part of it. That book he had warned Sam not to bother with again. He had begged him to stop the insane task of healing Dean by such drastic means as working with such an evil text, and an evil woman.

But it was all for Dean. Sam wouldn't let his brother turn into a demon. He wouldn't let his brother become a monster again.

As much as Cas would have liked to blame Sam for all of this, it was  _he_  who had summoned Crowley for the spell ingredients. It was  _his_  hand that had stolen the memory of the only person whom Rowena could love. Castiel was as much at fault as the Winchester and no matter how many times he had told himself that what they were doing was completely against Dean's wishes, Castiel could not let Dean turn either.

That last night in the bunker, the last time he had seen Dean, it was a frightful sight for the angel. It was worse than Dean's soul being twisted by the demonic energy all those months ago. This was Dean,  _his_  Dean, but with the mind of a maniac, his once shining green eyes were replaced by fire and rage. He had attacked Castiel, pummeling him, but Castiel had refused to fight back. He was there to help his friend, not cause him pain, even if he'd have to die for it. But Dean didn't kill him. He stopped himself, proving that there was still a lot of the man in there. The man Castiel cared so much about.

The man he loved.

For as long as they had known each other, the angel basked in the brightness Dean had inside. Even when the hunter was at his lowest, saddest, angriest, his light shone magnificently, and Castiel saw it for miles.

So of course Castiel noticed when it began to fade, just enough to cause concern. He had reached out to him, dozen of times, over the span of a year since he cursed himself with that mark on his arm. Castiel couldn't just let his friend suffer and he had tried talking to him in an attempt to comfort him, but Dean had refused Cas. His answer to everything was, "I'm fine."

It drove Castiel mad, but he knew his friend well enough to understand that Dean wasn't a very open book or so he liked people to believe. He opened up when he felt comfortable enough to do so, yet those rare occasions when Dean had revealed his vulnerable side, he'd swept it under the rug.

In the past, they had shared private moments that the hunter refused to ever bring up again and he probably assumed Castiel didn't even remember. But Castiel remembered every conversation, every smile, every kind word that he had shared with Dean over the years. For Dean to convince himself that it had meant nothing to the angel was ridiculous.

_How many times do I have to prove myself to him?_

Castiel was outside, standing alone in a field that was littered with branches and debris. The ominous force had destroyed the area as if a tornado blew through. He noticed that the trees that lined the vast space were bent forward in one direction, then something else caught his eye. There were large holes in the ground that covered most of the surrounding land.

"This is where it came up from," Castiel said to himself.

He studied one of the deep gorges, peering in closer. He lowered himself to his knees and leaned forward, realizing that he couldn't see where it ended. It was deep. Very deep. Castiel wished he'd paid closer attention to his brothers and sisters when they had discussed this war in Heaven. From what he knew, It was a deadly battle. The bloodiest war between good and evil that the universe had ever seen. He didn't know how God and the archangels won the fight, and he had never really questioned it. Until now.

The corruption filled the air and it was almost like he could smell the difference around him. It was a foul odor, rotten and sulphuric mixed with a static energy. It felt electric and alive, and it chilled the angel to the bone.

Despite this horrid event, he couldn't help but think of Dean. The spell had to work. Rowena, as mad and evil of a woman she was, had performed it as it was written. Or Castiel had hoped. It gave her power, though. A power that Castiel didn't quite understand, and by the shock on Crowley's face, he didn't either.

He should check on Crowley.

But Castiel couldn't move. He was frozen, staring into the black void in front of him. What was it that led God to victory? How did they defeat it? There was a tiny spark of remembrance but it faded just as it came to him, causing his head to swim. He remembered Naomi's words, telling him how many times they'd wiped his mind clean. Could he had had this knowledge once? Could he had known what the Darkness was and what kept it at bay?

"Cas!" A familiar voice called out to him.

He turned his head slightly to see Dean leaving a tiny green car. Sam was right behind him, but heading toward the building where Cas and Crowley had been. Castiel turned back to the hole.

"Cas, man. Are you-" Dean bent over and laid a hand on Castiel's shoulder.

Castiel flinched. Memories of the bunker came flooding back, crashing over him, drowning him. Dean punching him, throwing him across the room, pounding his head against the table, turning him over, holding the blade above him. Cas had tried to tell him the words Dean so needed to hear, knowing it would have snapped Dean out of his blind rage, but the blood that had filled his mouth caused him to choke, preventing him from saying the three words he should have said years ago.

Castiel swallowed, tasting that coppery liquid again, his throat constricting as if it was trying to choke him. He shook his head, pushing the images back,  _far back_  into his mind.

With hesitation, he looked up at Dean and it was like being woken up from a nightmare. Now he was looking at the most beautiful image he's ever seen.  _Dean_ , who no longer had that rage in his eyes. That evil energy surrounding the mark wasn't emanating from him anymore. Dean was back. He was shining again. Bright and beautiful.

Dean was finally cured.

They made eye contact and Castiel breathed a sigh of relief that soon turned into a feeling of grief. It was Dean alright, but the hurt in his eyes caused Castiel's stomach to flip. Aside from his internal wounds, he was badly bruised and his face was covered with blood and gashes.

"Dean. You're… back."

Castiel smiled, placing his hand on Dean's cheek and healing him from his injuries with some of the power he had left. He let his fingers linger much longer than he planned, but the feel of his warm skin felt  _that_  good. The brilliant green filled Dean's eyes once again and if Cas wasn't careful, he'd end up staring into them for the rest of the day.

"Yeah. It's me." Dean flashed a side smile and he looked down at his healed body. "Thanks, Cas."

Castiel moved his hand from Dean's cheek to his arm and gently turned it. He had to see it for himself. He had see that the mark was indeed gone. The curse that had turned his beloved friend into something so dark, Castiel had even found it hard to accept. The curse that Dean had no business taking on for himself.

Dean's arm was bare now and Castiel felt like crying.

"The mark-"

"Gone."

"The spell, Dean. It was from the book."

Their eyes met again as Dean dropped to his knees. Castiel wanted to grab him, hug him, tell him how sorry he was for going behind his back, for lying to him. Before the angel could utter another word, Dean was pulling Castiel close as if he was reading his mind.

"Cas, we need to talk," Dean said against Castiel's shoulder.

He hugged Dean back, burying his face in the hunter's neck. He closed his eyes and never had he felt so relieved. That feeling, being so close to Dean, his chest against his, that warmth that Castiel could never get enough of, that was what Castiel had missed. Dean kept his strong arms around the angel and squeezed him so tightly that Castiel felt the air escape his lungs.

_Could they just stay like this for a while longer? Could they please ignore everything that had happened and remain here, in this field, in this close embrace?_

When Dean finally did pull back, his face was long and fearful. "Something really bad happened."

Dean's eyes rolled upwards as if to hold in tears. Castiel studied him for a few more seconds, questioning whether Dean's sudden emotional state was due to what had happened or from the hug they just shared.

"The Darkness," was all Castiel could say.

Dean nodded. "So you know what it is?"

"Not really." Castiel looked around and frowned at the mess. "How, Dean? How is it here?"

"I'll explain on the way back to the bunker," Dean said as he looked past Castiel and waved.

Castiel followed Dean's gaze to see Sam and Crowley walking over to the car. The angel and hunter rose to their feet as Dean patted Castiel's back. He wanted to be thrilled that they all survived whatever it was that had just happened, but he knew, somewhere deep in his gut that the worst has yet to come.

"The Impala?" Castiel asked, wondering why they drove there in this small green car.

"Totaled," Dean said, defeated.

They were silent for the remainder of the walk. Castiel smiled at Sam and gave a small nod to Crowley who was grinning at him, making Castiel feel a little uncomfortable. He brushed it off and walked to Sam and placed his fingers on his forehead, healing him from his injuries.

At that second he could feel his grace completely drained, making his skin tingle with the way the wind was hitting it. When his grace faded like this, he became hyper aware of his body. His skin felt warmer and alive, his heart seemed to grow in volume, and he'd feel a sudden rush of adrenaline. It wasn't unpleasant and in fact, Castiel had missed the feeling, but he knew it wouldn't last once he'd get his mojo back in a few days.

"Hey Cas. Thanks." Sam brought Cas in for a hug. "Dude, I'm so sorry."

Cas tilted his head. "For what?"

"Leaving you in there with Glinda and..." He tilted his head in Crowley's direction.

" _He_  was bloody trying to kill  _me_!" Crowley yelled.

Dean snapped his head in their direction while getting into the driver's seat. "What happened in there?"

"Too much," Castiel said, shaking his head at Crowley.

They piled into the car and Dean drove off. During the beginning of the drive, Castiel and Crowley bickered about what really happened with Rowena. Castiel insisted that the book gave her more power whereas Crowley believed that she'd been playing them all long. Castiel wasn't blind to the fact that Rowena had an ulterior motive for removing the mark. Whether she knew about the Darkness or not, having Dean no longer immortal must had given her all the incentive she needed to help with the spell. She will most likely be a nuisance later on, but Castiel was satisfied in getting the mark off of Dean. They would worry about her nonsense later.

"Dean's cured. She did the correct spell, Crowley."

Castiel thinned his lips and turned his attention to the window. The landscape didn't seem to improve as they drove farther. Trees were uprooted, roofs blown off of houses, upturned cars. It was a mess out there.

"I'm telling you, she had this all planned. If you think  _I'm_  a big picture kind of guy, look who I got it from."

"Can you both be quiet for a second? I need to tell you guys something" Dean said, keeping his focus on the road, trying to avoid the huge holes in the ground. "The mark, it was a key..." He paused and glanced at Cas in the rear view mirror. "It kept the Darkness, well, contained. Did you know this Cas?"

Castiel's cheeks burned.  _Did he know this?_  Of course not. What is he even talking about? "Dean, what does the mark of Cain and the Darkness have to do with one another?"

Dean inhaled and glanced briefly at Sam. "The Mark of Cain was created by God after battling the Darkness. It was sorta like a key and a cage all mashed up into one fucked up mark. He gave it to Lucifer and well, it corrupted him-"

"What in the bloody hell are you rambling about? How do you know this?" Crowley said, chuckling.

Sam and Dean shared a sigh. Dean blew air out his mouth and said, "Death told me."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dean went over his conversation with Death and what had happened in the Mexican restaurant. While Crowley scolded him, Castiel remained silent. He knew this was bad. Really bad. Death was…  _dead?_  He wasn't sure what it meant but nothing good would come of it. Nothing.

Castiel cringed when Dean brought up Death's offer to send Dean far away. Just the thought of it pained him. Was Castiel so selfish to make sure he could be with Dean in spite of the world? A small feeling of embarrassment came over him because he knew that nothing would ever be more important to him than the boys. Not even the entire world, and when it came to Dean, Castiel had a certain attachment that he refused to let go of.

Metatron was right about one thing. Everything Castiel had done was for Dean Winchester.

Now Death was dead and the four of them were packed in a car too small for them to sit comfortably, with Castiel's legs pinned against the passenger seat and he couldn't help but laugh at it all. They screwed up,  _really_  screwed up this time. Dean killed Death. Castiel released the Darkness by helping Rowena with the spell to remove the mark. He was sitting in the backseat with a man he loathed and all of it caused him to burst out laughing.

"What is wrong with you?" Crowley hissed, sporting a look of disgust.

Sam turned his head and looked back at a laughing Castiel and his mouth began to twitch. Castiel smiled at his friend and attempted to talk.

"Death… is dead. Nothing good can come of this."

He tried to finish his sentence without giggling but it was impossible. Suddenly Sam was laughing harder and he turned to Dean who was trying not to smile himself.

"Have you guys ever thought about retiring?" Crowley joked, now grinning as well.

It wasn't long before they were all laughing,  _inappropriately_  at their current situation. Castiel made brief eye contact with Dean through the mirror and gave him a warm smile. They were in  _deep crap_ , as Dean would put it, but they were in it together. Oh, and they were all completely insane.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Once they arrived at the bunker, Dean made a beeline for the shower. Sam did the same, leaving Castiel and Crowley sitting in the war room, or so they called it. The bunker had an eerie quiet to it. He couldn't remember it ever being this silent. Castiel removed his coat and sat down at the table, noticing Crowley watching him with a raised eyebrow.

"No need for your signature look?"

Castiel shook his head as Crowley sat next to him and leaned on his elbow, scanning Castiel's face. "What?" Castiel squinted at him.

"Mother was able to whammy you. What's going on with you? Your wings are broken and you barely function like an angel at all."

Castiel knew exactly what was going on with him. Hannah had cut him off from Heaven, no doubt because of Metatron. It was no surprise, really, for Castiel had never expected to remain in Heaven's good graces after what he had done.

He didn't regret a thing, however. He had his own grace, as weak as it was, and that meant he wouldn't die. Not yet, anyway. Though it was never about saving his  _own_ life. He needed to be back in the game for Dean, to save him and now with the Darkness looming over them, he would need to be ready.

"Don't worry about it," said Castiel.

He kept his forward gaze, avoiding eye contact with Crowley again. As much as he was aware that they all needed to work together now, he couldn't stand the man. His mere presence made Castiel's skin crawl. Cas understood why Dean kept him around. Crowley was resourceful and having the King of Hell on your side wasn't such a bad thing but for Cas, it never felt right warming up to the demon.

He heard Crowley get up and Castiel watched as he reached for a book that was placed in the middle of the table.

"I guess I'll read since you're not up for conversation." Crowley smirked and sat a few chairs down from Castiel who just rolled his eyes at him.

Shortly after, Dean and Sam returned, fresh and clean. Castiel noticed that their hair was wet and unkempt and both were wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. All very normal for the boys. Dean sat in the chair next to Castiel as the angel watched Sam walk in behind him. Castiel's eyes shot to the spot where he and Dean had fought and he cringed. He quickly looked away and he noticed Dean was watching him. Castiel smiled, slightly at the hunter who appeared troubled.

It was strange being back in the bunker with Dean so close to him. Though, he would rather not be reminded of what had happened between them, it was nearly impossible to shake. The look in Dean's eyes that night was something he wished to never see again. He was reminded of the pain but not from Dean's fists. Castiel had been hurt by the thought of losing Dean, again. He had felt, the last time he was there, that he wasn't quite sure he'd be able to handle that fact.

"Casual Friday, boys?" Crowley said, peeking out from behind his book.

Sam sat across from them and swung his leg up over the other. "Okay, so, according to Death, this thing was only beaten back by God and the archangels."

Sam turned to Dean and he nodded. "God created the mark as some kind of containment for it," he continued, "He placed it with Lucifer and we all know the rest. Question is, how in the hell do we stop this? We have no power like that."

"We find God," Castiel said without looking up. He felt all eyes on him and quickly glanced at Dean. Dean's eyes were fixed, but sad and glassy. Cas couldn't tell if he was just tired of on the verge of tears.

"Right, 'cause that went so well last time," Sam said.

Dean leaned in closer to Castiel. "How do we do that, Cas?" Dean's tone was soft and soothing. Castiel had expected Dean to scoff at the idea as Sam did. The fact that he didn't, surprised Cas.

"Do you have a better option?" Castiel shot a hard look at Sam. As much as he adored the man, a part of him still felt horrible for going behind Dean's back at Sam's request. He had never wanted to betray Dean after that one time, that terrible ordeal years ago. Thoughts of Dean's pleas in the cabin while he was stuck in the ring of holy fire filled his head.

" _I was there, where were you."_

Sam snapped back. "Jeez, Cas. Just sayin', last time he couldn't be found, remember?"

"I remember."

Castiel looked down as he exhaled. He remembered all too well of his failed attempts at finding God, his father who'd given up Heaven and had left chaos in his wake. He remembered what Dean had told him upon returning from Heaven. The words Joshua uttered about God just leaving, not wanting to be a part of it anymore and the anger he felt at being let down by the only being he needed to make sense of everything. God, who'd given him his orders since he was just a young angel in training, was gone and if that wasn't enough to leave a bitter taste in Castiel's mouth, he had to question every single order he had ever been given. Was it ever truly God's commands?

Castiel looked up and noticed that Dean was still staring at him with a strange expression.

_Why does he keep looking at me like that?_

"You know what, maybe we all need a breather, huh Cas?" Dean said, rising from the table and placing a hand on Castiel's shoulder. "I know I can go for something to eat."

Dean looked back down at Castiel and gave him a side smile. Dean had always been good at bringing the normalcy back. Whatever was happening, or had happened, or was going to happen, Dean could always push it aside and relish in the mundane. Drinking, eating, sleeping, listening to his records. Castiel could feel a small smile creep up on his face just thinking about Dean and his need for  _normal._

Castiel rose from the table and a strange feeling overcame him. He shook his head and then he lost his balance a bit. Dean had to grab his arm to steady him. Castiel wasn't sure what was happening, but it felt like the room was spinning.

"Whoa there, buddy," Dean said.

"Cas, you okay?" asked Sam as he circled the table and rushed over to them. He held Castiel's other arm and then the angel suddenly felt weak. His knees buckled and his entire body turned into jelly, and then everything went dark.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel's awoke in a bed. He opened his eyes and tried to blink into focus. It was Dean's room and he could tell that when he recognized the weapons on the walls. Castiel had cleaned up the bunker after the Styne boys invaded and destroyed some of the room. He had to also get rid of the bodies and blood and... Castiel drew a heavy breath as that memory resurfaced.

_No. Don't think of that._

"Hey, hey," Dean said, making his way over to Castiel.

Dean sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his shaking hands together. Castiel looked around, a little confused as to what had happened. He remembered feeling dizzy and then the next thing he knew, he was waking up in Dean's bed.

"Dean," Castiel sat up and looked at his friend. "Did I faint?"

"Yeah man, you did. How are you feelin'?"

Dean placed his hand on Castiel's forehead as if to check for a fever. Castiel was amused at how he thought he could get sick. On the other hand, he'd been under a witch's powerful spell not too long ago. Castiel wasn't sure what would become of his vessel…  _him_  now with Heaven cutting him off again. He could only assume his powers would die out as they did years ago.

"Do I have a fever, Dean?" Castiel asked, furrowing his brow and placing his own hand on his neck. His skin was moist and yes, hot. Very hot. Castiel panicked.

"You're burning up, Cas." Dean turned his body so that he was now sitting completely on the bed next to Castiel. "Be straight with me. What's happening to you?"

Castiel sighed. "It's Hannah. I'm cut off... again." Castiel frowned and looked away.

"But didn't Hannah get your grace back? Why would she cut you off?"

Castiel's face flushed even more so now. Oh, Dean didn't know about Metatron. He wished he didn't have to talk about it now, but Dean deserved the truth. It had been killing Castiel for having to lie to his friend. After all that they had been through, all those years ago, when Castiel's betrayal broke his friends heart into a million pieces, doing it again had been torment. He had sworn to never lie to Dean after that time. To always be as honest and open as possible and then it happened again. Once it had started, it was so hard to turn back.

Castiel inhaled shakily, and began his story of breaking Metatron out of Heaven's jail. Dean didn't react at first. His nostrils flared a few times while Castiel spoke but other than that, he listened with a poker face until Castiel was telling him about the library, the tablet, and his grace. He explained the fact that he'd probably lose his mojo eventually. Dean's jaw clenched and he rose from the bed and paced.

"I can't believe... Jesus Cas." Dean didn't look at him. He walked in circles and shook his head. "A tablet? A fucking tablet?" Dean turned his head to Castiel. "And your mojo? Fucking Hannah.  _Fucking Hannah._ " The last part was said in a whisper.

"Dean..." Castiel felt dizzy again and his stomach was making strange gurgling noises. A quick flash of being homeless came to him. The gurgling meant he must be hungry.

He expected more shouts from Dean but instead he sat back down on the bed. "It's okay, Cas. It's okay. "

Dean smiled but Castiel could tell it was fake. Dean was trying to contain his anger and the reasons were obvious. It wasn't so much that Castiel was currently ill. It was the fact that the last time they were under this roof, things were pretty horrible between them.

"Cas, look. I need to say something."

Castiel straightened up a bit, fighting off the urge to lie back down. He watched as Dean cleared his throat with his eyes narrowing, lower lip quivering, and Castiel drank it all in: the utter beauty of him. Dean was always so appealing when he was reaching to find the right words to say.

"What happened, what I did... I can never..." Dean choked on the words. Castiel saw the tears building in his friend's eyes so he quickly placed his palm on Dean's hand and smiled at him.

"Dean. It's okay. It's over. You're back."

Castiel gave a slight squeeze and Dean's attempt at fighting off the tears concerned Castiel. He wished his friend would just let himself cry. Dean had never laid a hand on Castiel. He had never tried to hurt him in any way before that other night. Castiel wished he could say the same, but the fact remained that he had hurt Dean more than once and only  _one_  time was he under mind control.

There was silence and Dean pulled himself together and inhaled as he rose from the bed. "Look, you stay in here. I'm gonna make you something to eat." Dean turned to leave and then stopped. He glanced at Castiel as the angel watched him curiously. "What do angels eat?"

Castiel smiled. He didn't eat. Angels never have to eat but that feeling in his stomach that was yearning for food was pretty strong. He figured it must be a side effect of his grace fading. Soon he'd need to sleep and just the thought of the constant urination irritated him.

"Whatever you have, Dean. Don't go out of your way."

Dean smiled and turned on his heel. Castiel sunk back down into the warm soft bed and let his head rest on the pillow. He turned to his side and inhaled, deeply. He could smell Dean on this pillow. He could smell him on the blankets and sheets. Dean's scent was everywhere and it covered Castiel was such a warm and loving feeling, he felt himself drift off to sleep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel awoke in a panic, forgetting where he was. He took in his surroundings and breathed a sigh of relief. "Dean's room," he whispered as the memories came flooding back. Just then the door opened and Dean entered, holding a tray. On it was a sandwich, a bowl of fruit, and a cup filled with an orange liquid. Dean rested the tray in front of Cas and smiled.

"Eat up."

Castiel lifted the glass and smelled it. A sweet citrus scent filled his nose.  _Orange Juice._  He took a sip and instantly felt alive from the flavor. Castiel understood that if he was a full angel capacity, the juice wouldn't taste as delicious as it was right now. He made eye contact with Dean and grinned.

"Thank you."

Castiel took another sip and set the cup down. He grabbed the sandwich, eyeing it at first before taking a bite. The bread, meat, and lettuce were a perfect combination and his taste buds were already pleased. He smiled again at Dean with his mouth full.

"Sure thing, man," Dean said as he rose.

Castiel watched the hunter pull up and chair and sit down. He was acting twitchy, and that made Castiel wonder what was going on in Dean's head. He drew a breath and his uncomfortable demeanor told Castiel that Dean was probably nervous about what he was about to say.

_He's so predictable._

"So. Remember last year when you said you saw Gabriel?" Dean waited for Castiel to respond.

He nodded. "Yes." Castiel took another bite of his sandwich.

"Well, do you think he's still alive?"

Castiel stopped chewing and swallowed the remaining food that was in his mouth. He thought about it and sighed. "It's quite possible, yes." He lifted the cup again and drunk down the juice.

"Why?"

"Well, if the archangels helped before, maybe-"

"He won't be easy to find." Castiel said after swallowing.

"Yeah, but easier than God right? He could help find him, at least?" Dean turned away. Castiel saw that pained look on the hunter again. He wished he could get to the bottom of what was tormenting Dean although he suspected he may know already.

"Dean. What's troubling you?"

And if it was like a cue for Dean to leave, he stood and shook his head. "Nothing. You rest. I'll be back in a bit." He walked out and shut the door behind him.

Something was clearly going on with Dean and classic Dean would refuse mention it. He'd let it eat at him and mess with his head and cause him to snap at Castiel, or Sam, or both. For now, he would just have to let Dean have his space and when he was ready to talk, he knew where to find him.

Castiel was sure his fever went away and after finishing the food, he felt much better. He rose from the bed and noticed a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt lying there on the chair that Dean must have left there for him, earlier. A shower and a change of clothes sounded perfect right about now.

The bathroom tiles were cold under Castiel's feet. He turned the knob in the shower and adjusted the temperature to his liking. He had learned from the time when he was human, to always adjust the water knobs because he had mistakenly hopped into a freezing cold shower, once. He'd  _never_  do that again. So many things he had learned in that year about the human struggle. It had amazed him that he was even able to survive it at all. People had always viewed angels as superior because of their powers, but to Castiel, clearly humans were. Their survival instincts and the will to do better in this world humbled him.

But he wasn't human now. His grace was just... weakened. When this happened, he did have to succumb to the humanly habits of eating, sleeping, grooming, and some of the other bodily functions he cared not to think about just yet.

He was still an angel. Rejected, once again by Heaven, but an angel, nonetheless.

After his shower, he dressed himself in the clothes that Dean had left. He looked at himself in the mirror and smiled at the AC/DC shirt. These were Dean's clothes, no doubt. Even though they were freshly washed, Dean's scent was all over it. Castiel found himself running his hands across his chest and down his torso, combining his senses of smell and touch. Suddenly his body heated up as a warm vibration was felt from his chest down to his groin. When he noticed himself grow hard, he froze.

_Interesting._

He shook it off, hoping his unexpected erection would fade before he had to leave the bathroom. He leaned on the edge of the sink and slipped on the white cotton socks. He exhaled slowly as he set his feet down on the tiles, loving the feeling of it all. He had to admit, he  _did_  miss this. All of these sensations intensified so much more when he was human. From having a hard-on to the feel of warm soft cotton on his feet. It was all just so amazing.  _And why did he become aroused seeing himself in Dean's clothes while being surrounded by his scent?_

Castiel headed over to the lounge area of the bunker where Dean was sitting alone, engrossed in an ancient looking book. Castiel loved all the knowledge at their fingertips here. The Men of Letters did such a great job acquiring many things that would have only been lost over time. Dean and Sam were legacies. When he realized that their legacy would end with them, for neither brother had a child of their own, he grew a little sad.

Dean lifted his eyes and his face lit up. "Hey, looking good."

Castiel sat on the couch next to Dean, turning his body toward him, leaving one leg dangling off the side. Dean seemed calmer now, less troubled than he was before, in his room. His eyes were heavy, though and Castiel was sure that he must be exhausted. He looked up at the clock overhead and saw that it was just past two in the morning.

"When was the last time you slept?" Castiel asked, feeling a twinge of nausea, thinking of how lost Dean was a few days ago. He tried to push it back and not dwell on it. Dean was cured now and back to his old self. The Dean he had grown so close to and who would never hurt him in a million years, was the Dean sitting with him right now.

_Not the one who beat him._

"Shit. No idea." Dean yawned and set the book down on the couch between them. "I should," He paused and ran his hand down his face. "Uh, I know you were staying in my room, but the one right next to mine is empty, if you need to sleep, that is."

"Sure Dean and thank you," Castiel said, watching Dean rise and turn to leave. Dean glanced back at Castiel and smiled at him.

"See ya in the morning. Oh and if you get hungry, Sam did some shopping before, so help yourself."

As soon as Dean disappeared around the corner, Sam sat down, letting out a loud breath of air. "Hey Cas."

"Sam."

The younger Winchester looked as tired as Castiel felt and the dark circles under his eyes didn't help. He hadn't considered Sam's state of mind until now. He had been on autopilot for these last few weeks with helping Dean and he wondered what kind of toll it had taken on Sam. "How are you?"

Sam scrubbed his face and ran a hand through his hair. "Better." He turned to Castiel with a hint of a smile on his face. "We got Dean back."

Castiel smiled back at him. "We did. Are you… okay with everything?"

"No. I mean, these last few months have been hell. You know that."

Castiel nodded and Sam continued, "I just can't believe we're all still here. I can't believe-"

Tears started to build in the hunter's eyes and Castiel reached out, laying a hand on Sam's arm.

"It's all rather a blur." Castiel squeezed Sam's arm. "You were very brave, Sam. You never gave up, even when… I almost did."

Sam wiped his tears with his forearm and shook his head. "Nah, you wouldn't have. You love him as much as I do."

They shared a smile. "It's just so good to have my brother back, you know?" More tears fell from his eyes and he ran a hand down his face to get rid of them.

"I know."

"We've all been through so much crap together, but this last year, I don't know. It seemed like the worst."

It  _was_  the worst. "Well, seeing Dean like that, when he'd always been the one to… you know, take care of us, it was something I don't wish to ever see again," said Castiel.

"Agreed." Sam rose and placed his hand on Cas' shoulder.

"I'm gonna hit the sack." He headed out and glanced at Castiel. "Thanks, Cas. I couldn't have made it through without you. I'll never forget what you did for me. For Dean."

Those words hit Castiel in his core. He'd never give up on the Winchesters. He'd always do what it took to ensure that both brothers were okay. He made that choice many years ago when he thought he'd have enough time to send Dean in to stop Sam from killing Lilith. Their decisions may not always seem logical or even sane all of the time, but in the long run, they would fight for each other.

He thought of the time he'd been working with Crowley, and how the boys, along with Bobby had tried a so called intervention. It wasn't so much that they wanted to reprimand him as that they wanted to stop him, to save him. They were trying to pull Cas back into their world before he did something stupid, which he did anyway. Nevertheless, they were trying to help. Dean was trying to hang on to Castiel with all that he had and that was what they did. That was what Castiel did now. He didn't give up on his friends, on his real family.

Castiel felt a wave of tiredness come over him as well. He realized he had just only woken up a little while ago, but the effects of Rowena's spell, mixed with the Darkness that nearly knocked him out, were still draining him. He decided that sleep would benefit him so he found the room next to Dean's and headed inside.

It was pretty much the exact same layout as the other room but without all the personal items that made Dean's room,  _his_. Castiel pulled back the blanket and slipped in under the sheets. This bed was as comfortable but it was lacking something else that had made Dean's bed so pleasing.

_His scent._


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel lied in bed, thinking about everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours. It was all so much to take in, and he wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry at the fact that they released hell on earth. He was happy, so happy, however to have Dean back. His bright eyed hunter who, no matter what, had always had so much love for him and Sam. Dean, who'd make jokes Castiel never understood, or would drink too much whiskey and sing his favorite songs out of tune. Dean, who would tease him, but then wink to let Cas know he was only kidding.

His Dean. His friend.

A knock on the door startled him. Dean called out from the other side and Castiel smiled, glad that he could see him one last time before he went to sleep. Dean entered and closed the door behind him. His hair was mussed and his eyes red and puffy.

"I can't sleep," he said.

Castiel yawned. Just the sight of his friend was exhausting him. "Same. Would you like to talk?"

He nodded and scooted over to the empty side of the bed. Castiel moved to his side to give the hunter some more room, who then propped himself up on a pillow and let out a long drawn out sigh.

"I think I'm over tired. Like, I'm so friggin spent, I don't know if my body remembers how to sleep."

Castiel chuckled. "I think I understand."

Dean turned and faced him, lowering his head onto the pillow and sliding a hand underneath. There was a noticeable calm over Dean now. Being this close to each other was comforting and it was making Castiel feel warm and fuzzy as well. This was what it was like with him, whenever they had moments together without anyone else around. Their conversations were usually about whatever monster they were hunting, or what new drama was going on in Heaven or Hell. But it was the unspoken words that meant so much to them.

Dean broke the silence and talked about Death again and explained in more detail what had occurred between them. His words began to slow, and Castiel could see his green eyes growing heavy.

Castiel let him finish his sentence before talking about his own experience with Crowley and Rowena. Dean just stared at him, eyes droopy until he finally closed them. The angel smiled and pulled the blanket over Dean. Sure, this was a little strange, sharing a bed and all, but there was enough space between them to avoid anything awkward happening. It was nice having Dean there with him. There was the overwhelming feeling of peace and love flowing around them now.

He just lied there for a while staring at Dean's face as he slept. Yes, this was wonderful. Castiel sighed and he closed his eyes, welcoming his own slumber.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel thought he was dreaming at first. He'd sometimes have these awesome and elaborate visions while he slept as a human. Stories would unfold and he would either be a spectator or actually living it. This time, he knew exactly where he was when he'd fallen asleep. In the bunker, in bed, and lying on his side, snuggled under the blankets. He had sworn that he felt the blankets move.

But he knew he was awake.

Castiel opened his eyes and his throat almost closed up. He had suddenly remembered that Dean had fallen asleep in his bed and now he was positioning himself behind him, pressing his body against his back and draping his arm over him. Castiel almost jumped when he felt Dean's face against the back of his neck.

_What was he doing?_

Dean's breath was calm and making Castiel's neck warm and moist. He wasn't sure what was going on, but something inside of him told him to just let it be. Castiel rested his head against the pillow and he let out a shaky breath. He took hold of Dean's hand that belonged to the arm that was draped over Castiel's body and he laced his fingers with Deans.

A million questions ran through Castiel's mind. Dean was never this comfortable with being close to him like this. Dean would always shy away, acting nervous at any sign of intimacy between them. He wasn't expecting this at all when Dean had fallen asleep in his bed. Now, here he was, cuddling up to Castiel as if they were lovers. Or something.

_Or something._

Dean definitely wasn't himself. Castiel wasn't sure if he would have to just come out and ask him or if he would eventually open up.  _It might have to do with the removal of the mark,_  Castiel thought.

There was just something so sensual about this moment, but he was sure he was misreading it.

Then again, he suddenly remembered those words he had heard months ago while he was alone. That longing he had heard from Dean while the brothers were investigating a case involving nuns and priests.

Castiel had never brought it up, assuming Dean would explain it to him one day, or at least he had hoped he would tell him what he meant by, the "people, feelings he wanted to experience differently, or for the first time."

To anyone else, it could mean a thousand different things, but the fact that those words were loud and clear in Castiel's mind as Dean said them, meant that he was thinking of  _him_  while he was saying it.

This would be a conversation for another day, obviously. Tonight, he would sleep with his hunter next to him and hope that it would all make sense, eventually. They lied in a spooning position for the rest of the night.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Castiel awoke, he was alone. Part of him had thought he dreamed that whole 'Dean coming into bed with him' thing but the scent that was all over the sheets was undeniably Dean's. Castiel nuzzled his face in the pillow where Dean's head had been and he inhaled the delicious musky and soapy scent. Without thinking, he started pressing his lower body against the mattress and he then paused when he noticed he was erect again.

_Interesting._

This time he went with it, remembering how humans indulged themselves in personal pleasure like, so he thrust again. And again. He loved the feeling, the friction. His groin was on fire and his stomach was full of butterflies. It felt good,  _really_ good so he kept at it, grinding thrusts, one after the other. He didn't notice that his fingers were gripping the pillow tightly while his face was buried in it, taking in the hunter's intoxicating smell.

_Oh Dean. What is this?_

He moved faster, humping the mattress harder and soon Castiel could feel himself building to orgasm. He remembered it from his brief time with April, how he had gotten hard and he had finally shot out semen as if he had exploded. But something about Castiel's arousal was different this time. It was more intense. It filled every part of him, as if it was consuming him. Like being under a spell. A glorious and erotic spell.

And it was building.

And building.

And oh he was so close. He breathed Dean's name as he came in his sweat pants. He felt his erection twitch as it shot out, pumping, and throbbing.

Castiel tried to calm his breathing, and he cracked a very small smile when he realized why it was different than his orgasm with April. It was the thought of Dean that had Castiel in an aroused fog. Dean's eyes, his arms, his hands, his chest, his voice, his smile, and oh God,  _his scent._

No one on earth compared to Dean. Castiel had never loved anybody or anything more.

 _And maybe love made the act more pleasurable_ , Castiel thought to himself.

Of course he was going to feel incredibly awkward around Dean, now. He was pretty sure that when he did see him again, this act would be all that Castiel would be thinking about. Dean might smile or wink, or do some other adorable thing and Castiel might have to run to the bathroom and relieve his arousal.

He hoped that wouldn't happen.

He was also curious as to why he was reacting so strongly now. Although he had always been drawn to Dean, he was able to control himself. It might have to do with his weakening grace, because his other human needs were magnified when he was in this state.

Castiel sighed as he changed back into his suit pants. They were dirty and he knew he'd have to wash them, but the sweatpants were not an option right now.  _He'd have to wash those too_. He strolled out of the room and followed the voices until he entered the kitchen. Sam, Dean, and Crowley were sitting around the table and they all stopped talking when they spotted Castiel.

"Morning, Cas," Sam said, smiling.

Castiel returned the smile and joined them at the table. "Good morning." He nodded at Sam, then at Crowley, and then he glanced at Dean who was avoiding eye contact.

_Typical._

Castiel sighed with relief as he sat down, glad that he didn't have to look Dean in the eye, anyway. Just thinking about his green eyed friend moments ago had brought Castiel to orgasm and he was feeling a little embarrassed about it, and it was as if they both could tell just by looking at him.

Dean finally sat down and placed a cup of coffee in front of Castiel. He wondered if Dean was going to talk to him about last night, but as soon as he thought about it, he knew the answer.  _No._

Dean kept his face buried in his bowl of cereal as Sam spoke.

"So, Cas," Sam started, "We tried summoning Gabriel but he hasn't responded. Do you think," Sam shot a glance at Dean and then looked at Castiel again. "You can check upstairs?"

Castiel took a sip of his coffee. "No one will talk to me in Heaven. Not after what we did with Metatron." Castiel's eyes briefly landed on Dean and for a second, their eyes met.

"Oh um. Okay. We'll just have to think of some other way," Sam said.

"Porn," Castiel said without looking up. He heard Dean choke on his cereal and it made Castiel want to chuckle, but he didn't.

"Excuse me?" Crowley chimed in.

"Isn't he usually doing those movies?" Castiel's eyes bounced back and forth between the men sitting at the table. Dean's eyebrows raised and he nodded.

"He has a point," Dean said to Sam.

Sam laughed. "So, what, we search every porn there is to see if we'll find him in one?"

"You got a better idea?" Dean said with a mouthful of cereal.

Sam shook his head and slumped his shoulders. "How about I go and check out some areas I think Gabriel could be while  _you_  check the porn?"

"Prude," Dean said, smiling now.

"Well I know practically everyone in the industry. I'll have you know that I wasn't the only one to sell my soul for extra length on the manly bits. I should come with you, Moose," Crowley stated as he sipped his tea, refusing to drink their coffee that he compared to as  _rocket fuel_.

They all rolled their eyes.

The plan was as followed; Sam and Crowley would check out a few places that people in the industry frequented while Dean and Cas check out the porn on the internet. Castiel was half expecting Dean wanting to mingle with the porn-stars, remembering his run in with one awhile back. But instead, Dean had no interest in that.

_Interesting._

Dean also wanted to be around for when his car was being dropped off. He complained about not being able to work on her. That was scheduled for tomorrow. Today all four of them were going to research more on the Darkness. It was no surprise that there was very little information about it. It was eons ago and it was barely even talked about anymore in Heaven. It had become more of a folk tale than an actual historical event.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel was deep in one of the thousand page tomes when he looked up to realize he and Dean were the only ones left in the library. Castiel swallowed when he saw that Dean wasn't looking at his book, but was staring at him. When they made eye contact, Dean averted his eyes, shyly.

Castiel wanted so much to talk to him and find out what was really going on, but he brushed it off for now. Getting Dean to open up was like, as Sam put it, pulling teeth.

Instead he yawned, rose from the comfy chair, and headed to his room. He decided on washing his clothes and the soiled sweat pants so that he could have something clean to wear. He removed his suit pants and remained in the boxer shorts that Dean had loaned him. Sitting on the desk, across from his bed were a few more pairs of boxer shorts and socks. Castiel smiled, knowing that Dean had left them there.

 _He's very caring,_ Castiel thought.

After gathering his clothes, he headed to the laundry room. He remembered that the machines he saw when he was human needed coins to operate, but these didn't. He looked around the sides to make sure that they were indeed free to use, and then he threw his clothes inside. Castiel stood for a moment, stroking his chin.

_Now what?_

"Do you even know how to use a washing machine?"

Castiel turned and sighed at Dean, who was standing at the threshold. Castiel felt his cheeks blush, due to the fact that he was only in boxer shorts and Dean was obviously checking him out.

"No. Not really."

Dean smirked and headed over to the shelf and grabbed a box of  _something_. Castiel squinted to see what it was. 'Tide'. Dean brushed up against Castiel, gently moving him out of the way and he poured some of the white powder on top of the clothes. He closed the lid, and rested his hand on a dial set on the front. He faced Castiel.

"See,  _this_  is a setting. Since you don't have a lot of clothes, just put it to 'light load' and pull the knob out and then," the machine came to life, "Done."

Castiel studied the machine as it rumbled and vibrated, causing a loud echo. "It's done?"

Dean smiled. "No, I mean, now you just wait 'til its finished the cycle. Usually like a half hour or so."

Dean shoved the box of Tide into Castiel's chest and when Castiel grabbed it, Dean spun around to leave. He stopped once he got to the door and glanced back. His eyes scanned the angel from head to toe and Castiel noticed a slight flush in his cheeks. He cracked a small smile, followed by a sigh, and then he left.

"Thank you," Castiel said in a whisper.

Castiel decided he would remain there and wait, wanting to avoid walking around the bunker half naked. He found a copy of Busty Asian Beauties on a chair in the corner, so he picked it up and gave it a look. He chuckled at it. 

 _Dean and his porn,_  he thought. He open it but noticed that there was something else inside of the magazine, a notepad. He pulled it out and he immediately recognized Dean's handwriting.

Castiel figured it was just some old notes regarding a case so he flipped through it. His eyes widened at the content. These weren't some notes about a case at all. These were Dean's thoughts. Castiel immediately shoved it back into the magazine and placed it back on the chair. He tried to forget that he had seen his own name written a few times on one of the pages and it was impossible not to wonder what Dean had been writing about.

He shook off the temptation to open it again and a half hour later, Castiel's clothes were washed. Dean had come back in to instruct Castiel on how to use the dyer and he did his best not to look guilty of almost reading Dean's personal notes. Dean didn't seem to catch on to Cas' weird mannerisms or the fact he had kept averting his eyes.

He raised the suit pants and white button down shirt and hung them up on hangers.

"These don't go in the dyer." Dean fished out the remaining clothes and pulled out the boxer shorts and sweatpants he had loaned Castiel the day before.

"Dude, you can borrow more of my stuff. You don't have to wash these everyday," Dean said, throwing the sweats and underwear into the dryer.

"Sorry, I was just... well, I never really had to wash clothes before."

Dean smiled at him and started the dryer. "I've noticed. Come, follow me."

Dean led Castiel down the hallway and into his room. Castiel stood frozen in the middle and his cheeks started to burn. He was positive that it wasn't anything to be nervous about but being alone with Dean,  _in his room_ , created all sorts of images in his head.

Dean coming up to him and touching his bare chest. Dean kissing the back of his neck, right where his mouth had been the night before. Dean pushing Cas down on the bed and sliding his hand down his boxers… Now would be a really awful time to sport an erection.

"This is my wardrobe. Take whatever you need when you need it." Dean said, opening his closet full of jeans and flannels. He turned and grinned at Castiel and it caused the angel's heart to skip a beat.

"And here," Dean opened a drawer that was next to the closet, "My t-shirts. Seriously man, whatever you want."

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel smiled, looking down at his boxer shorts.

"You know, just so you don't have to walk around half naked all day." Dean flashed a mischievous smile and turned to leave.

"I'm gonna go fix us something to eat," Dean shouted when he was already down the hall.

Castiel stood alone now, taking in all of his options. He liked the dark blue jeans the best. They were closest to the color of his suit pants. He pulled them off of the hanger and tried them on. They were a perfect fit except for being a bit long. He didn't think he was the same size as Dean.

He ran his hands across the flannels, allowing his fingers to brush against all of them. Castiel smiled, recalling Dean in almost every one. That blue one with red and white, he wore when they had lunch together, when Castiel had lost Claire that first time. And that one there, that was what he was wearing when he came to visit him at the Gas -N- Sip.

Castiel sighed and smiled. That night was a disaster but Dean was there to pick up the pieces. He'd never forget the time they shared after leaving Nora's. It was never spoken of again but it was one of the best nights he had with Dean.

They had stayed up late talking and drinking in Dean's motel room. Dean insisted that Castiel stay with him,  giving the excuse that he missed him and didn't feel like drinking all of his beer, alone.

Castiel was sure that Dean knew he had nowhere to go. Dean wasn't stupid. He may not have said it aloud, but that was his way of taking care of his friend, without even having to utter a single word about it.

Castiel liked this green one. It reminded him of Dean the most, so he pulled it off of the hanger and dressed himself in it. After doing up the buttons, he ran his hand across the shirts again. Castiel's hand stopped on a grey Henley. He froze when he recognized it.

" _I need you."_

Castiel shivered. He tried to think of anything else other than that horrible event in the crypt when Castiel had nearly killed Dean.  _Nearly._  He turned from the closet, not realizing he was still holding on tightly to that grey shirt. He released it and inhaled. It was hard to shake.

He saw their fight here in the bunker when Castiel was looking into Dean's steely green eyes and begging him to stop.

_No. no. no. Don't think of this._

"Cas."

Castiel jumped when he heard Dean say his name. He seriously thought his heart was going to give out right there. "D-Dean," he exhaled.

"Wow, jumpy," Dean said with a raised eyebrow.

Dean reached for Castiel's shoulder and the angel flinched. It was just his reflexes for he knew Dean wouldn't hurt him now. He wouldn't hurt Dean either. That was the past, that was... over.

Dean stood back, obviously hurt by Castiel's reaction. "Sorry, man," Dean said, lowering his eyes.

"No, it's fine. You just startled me, that's all," Castiel explained, smiling at the hunter. He rested his hand on Dean's shoulder and flashes of that last fight filled his head again.

" _I don't want to hurt you."_

" _I don't think that's gonna be a problem"_

Castiel backed away a bit, trying really hard to conceal his agitation. It was in vain, because now Dean was stepping back as well with his hands raised in the air, surrendering.

"I give up, Cas."

He sank down in the chair by his desk. His head fell into his hands and he let out a loud, shaky sigh.

This was such a large contrast to the feeling Castiel had earlier around Dean. As much as he wanted to be close to him again, and  _really wanted it,_  what had happened in these last few days was obviously poking at them, begging for them to talk about it.

It would be typical for the two to ignore it until it went away, but not this time. Castiel was sure they would have to discuss what was noticeably bothering them both at some point. That wasn't something Dean would able to initiate on his own, so Castiel would be the one to open the much needed conversation.

"Dean."

But before Castiel could force Dean to talk, he was on his feet. "Forget it. We'll talk later. I gotta eat something. I made us burgers."

Dean was out the door before Castiel could stop him. The angel sighed. It was going to be a struggle.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The burgers were indeed delicious. Dean really did know his way around the kitchen. The most Castiel could put together were peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or microwaved burritos. It felt really good to be eating and drinking and... indulging.

He hoped that if Dean did make it to his bed again, he wouldn't flinch.

Dean didn't say much during dinner. Sam talked about the places he and Crowley were going to check out the next day, some of the locations taking them days to get to.

Castiel felt a little uneasy with Sam being gone for that long, with all that was looming over them, but the Darkness didn't seem to be doing much of anything since it was released.

Sam had the trip mapped out and Crowley complained about not being able to teleport. It appeared his mojo was weakened as well. He blamed Rowena. Castiel blamed the Darkness as well.

After dinner they retreated to the library. Castiel found the book he had been looking through earlier and opened it, flipping the pages in an attempt to find the place he had left off. He smiled at the pictures of the angels depicted there. Some mighty and beautiful creatures with long flowing hair and over-sized swords. So  _not_  what they really looked like. At all.

Then again, angels could take on any form they choose when they were not occupying a vessel. Castiel had to take on a more human appearance when he rescued Dean from Hell. If he showed up in his truest form, he would have crushed Dean with one single touch.

Castiel had retained his angelic essence, but had only made himself easier on the eye so that his face and body appeared human, which is why his hand print on Dean was that of a human hand.

Anyway, the book was entertaining and Castiel flipped through until he reached the end. Ah, such fairy tales these were. Almighty God and his heavenly battles against evil. Castiel knew it was never that easy.

The hours passed and Castiel felt tired again. He announced to the men that he'd be retiring and he gave a quick glance at Dean who just waved and said, "goodnight Cas" without looking up. Castiel turned on his heel, wishing he'd at least have some kind of eye contact with him. As he walked to his room, he wondered if Dean would be returning that night.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning came too fast. Castiel opened his eyes, not remembering even falling asleep. He quickly turned to his left but the space was empty. Dean's scent wasn't any stronger and in fact, it had faded a little. He didn't come to Castiel's room last night.

Castiel got out of bed and looked for some fresh clothes to change into after his shower. Once he was finished with what would probably become his normal morning routine while being drained of his powers, he headed to the kitchen to see if any of the guys were awake. Crowley and Sam were standing in the main room, Sam carrying his overnight bag. He turned to Castiel and smiled.

"Hey, Cas. We're heading out. Dean's still asleep so when he wakes up, tell him we're going to Dallas first." He handed Castiel a note with an address and name of a motel. "Okay?"

"Yes, I will," Castiel said, placing the note in his pocket.

He watched Sam and Crowley head up the stairs and out the door and then he turned, scanning the kitchen. It was too quiet, and a little unsettling. Usually when he'd be in this room, Dean would be frying up something on the grill, or Sam would have that awful blender going, whipping up smoothies. The reality set in that he would be alone with Dean for a few days, and just at that thought, he felt his face heat up and the back of his neck grow moist. 

He didn't want to wake Dean but he was feeling the slight pangs of hunger so Cas opened the refrigerator and spotted some bread, jelly, and peanut butter. He smiled, realizing that Sam must have remembered his previous taste for this type of sandwich and how disappointed he had been when his angel powers prevented him from enjoying the delicious flavor.

And delicious it was. Castiel no longer only tasted the molecules, he tasted the sum of its parts. The fantastic combination of sweet and salt and... oh, he should get something to drink. Maybe some of that orange juice. He poured the juice and took a sip. Castiel smiled. His mouth and stomach were now in a perfect harmonious state.

When he finished, he headed back into the library for more research. Book after book, all just useless information. Surely the Men of Letters had to have  _something_  that could help them. He reached to the highest shelf that he could and pulled a book down titled,  _Between Heaven and Hell._

_Oh this should be interesting._

Castiel settled into one of the comfy chairs and opened the book. There were already sentences underlined.  _Hm._  He flipped through and also noticed some pages had post it notes attached to them. He turned to one such page and the paragraph heading read, _Angels in Purgatory._ Castiel set the book down for a moment and furrowed his brow. Could Dean... or Sam have been investigating this?

Castiel figured that maybe Dean had been looking into it some years back, trying to figure out how Castiel had escaped. Yes, that must have been it. Before the connection broke, Castiel didn't even know how he had gotten out of Purgatory either. He picked up the book again, paused for a few seconds, and then closed it, setting it down. No, he didn't need this book.

His eyes wandered to a book on the small table next to the chair Dean had been sitting in the previous day. _Book of Enoch._ This grabbed Castiel's attention and he immediately rose and picked it up. It was a very early edition and from what Castiel could tell, it also had been read many times due to the worn edges of the pages.

Castiel knew this book. It was about the archangels and the fallen angels. It talked about the punishment that the fallen angels had suffered at the hands of Gabriel, Michael, and Raphael. Oh this was so long ago. So, so long ago. Castiel remembered it well, though. He remembered when those three were sent down to earth to give sentence to the angels who didn't adhere to the code. Who disobeyed God.

_Who rebelled._

Castiel was certain that if Michael or Raphael were still trying to control heaven, he would have suffered the same punishment. But it was God who brought Castiel back and made him more powerful. God didn't want to punish Castiel as he did all those other angels mentioned in this book. Of course, none of that mattered now that he was cut off from Heaven, once again, and his grace slowly fading.

Why was Dean reading this? It had nothing to do with the Darkness. Maybe he was researching the archangels or what was left of them anyway. As far as Castiel knew, it was only Gabriel (probably) and Michael alive. And Lucifer of course. As fallen as he was, he was technically still an archangel.

Castiel decided to sit back and read the book anyway. Maybe there was a clue in it. Maybe it mentioned some archangels that Castiel had not known, or had forgotten about. With his memory being erased so many times, Castiel often wondered how much of his past that he  _did_  lose.

Ah, those stories were all coming back to him, as if each little corner of his mind began opening. He turned the page to a section about the Watchers, the Grigori. Suddenly Castiel thought of Claire and Amelia and that abomination that was feeding off of human souls. Castiel shivered.

He flipped past that part to the section about the fallen angels. There had been so many of them, so many of his brothers and sisters who had chosen humanity over Heaven. Who wanted to live among the people and eat with them, dance with them, and-and  _fall in love?_  Those angels all had fallen in love... with a human.

Castiel closed the book as he heart began to race and he suddenly felt a heavy pit in his stomach. He didn't want to read on. It was useless. It had no pertinent information for their mission. The text was old. Ancient. Who really needed this knowledge anyway? Not him.  _No_. Not him.  _Or Dean._

He glanced up at the clock and when he saw it was already past noon, he grew concerned.  _Was Dean really still asleep?_  Castiel decided to check in on him. He'd just knock. Yes, he'd knock but he won't open the door. Even if Dean asked him to come on, he won't go in. He'd stand there and just talk to Dean through the door. The  _closed_  door.

_Knock._

No response.

_Knock. Knock._

"Yeah?" Dean called out, hoarsely.

Castiel sighed.  _Closed door_. Speak through the  _closed_  door. Don't open it. Don't go inside, no matter what Dean says.

"Dean, it's me. I just wanted to check in on you, make sure-"

"Come in, Cas."

Cas opened the door.  _Dammit._  

There was Dean, in bed and lying on his stomach with his face buried in his pillow. His arms were resting over his head and the blanket just covering him from the waist down. Castiel was lost in the shape of his back, the way the muscles moved when he shifted his shoulders. It wasn't often that Castiel could witness Dean without clothes. He was always layered in his flannels and jackets, and the angel tried his hardest not to stare.  _Or drool._

Cas swallowed down the nervous lump in his throat. "Hello Dean. I just wanted to make sure you were... okay. I haven't really found anything of use in the library. Perhaps we can try the internet. I see you have a laptop here."

Castiel gestured, waving his hand at the laptop that was sitting on top of the desk.

"And I think it will be wise if we can search the news for anything unusual, you know, if the Darkness had started attacking. Maybe we could also-"

"Cas." Dean flipped over to his back and sat up shaking his head, but smiling. "You need to breathe. I just woke up so give me a minute, my brain isn't really processing anything you just said."

Castiel looked away, shyly. "Of course. Sorry Dean."

He had been nervous around Dean before. He'd been awkward, shy, flustered, you name it, but it was so much more magnified now with all these recent thoughts and feelings. It was unsettling how he'd been reacting to Dean's scent, being in his clothes, and now seeing Dean half naked in bed, his leg sticking out from under the covers while the sheet bunched up by his crotch, ...  _Stupid human vessel._

Dean slid out of bed and Castiel's eyes widened when he noticed that he was only in his underwear. Castiel quickly turned away and nervously tapped the top of the laptop.

"S-so, Sam said he and Crowley will hit Dallas first."

Castiel reached into his pocket and pulled out the note. He turned, hoping he'd given Dean enough time to throw on some clothes and no, Dean was still in his underwear. In fact, he was now standing near the door just staring at Castiel with a curious expression on his face.

"Thanks," he said, leering at Cas as he took the note from him.

Just a small nod from Castiel and he was looking away again. He heard Dean move out into the hall, so he breathed a sigh of relief and followed him. Castiel's eyes went straight to his ass, his toned, sculpted ass that looked like a work of art in those underwear. Castiel wondered what it looked like naked.

He shook his head.  _Oh God, stop thinking like this._

Dean stopped in front of the bathroom and Castiel almost bumped into him because he was looking at the ceiling instead of ahead. Dean smirked and before he knew it, Castiel's eyes dropped to his crotch. Dean looked like he was a little erect and he brushed his hand down, as if to give himself a slight rub and walked into the bathroom.

"Shower. Be right back," Dean said and he closed the door.

Castiel stood outside the bathroom listening to Dean turn on the shower and then the sounds of splashing water followed. That was his cue to keep walking, to move along and stop thinking about his best friend naked... in the shower.

A smile crept over his face as he made his way into the library. As strange and unsettling it was for Castiel to be thinking of Dean in that way, it's far better than being haunted by the violence that took place here.

Maybe he was adjusting to it all. His human needs mixed with being at the bunker was causing his brain to try to ease the stress that had been gnawing at him for days. Maybe it was a coping mechanism that humans had. Replace the bad with the good.

And this was kind of  _really_  good.

Castiel tried to think back at all the times he had been with Dean when he was either human or drained of his powers. Was the attraction this strong? Maybe. When Dean came to see him about two years ago, he did feel a...  _yearning_  for him. He had to also admit that his time with April was so meaningless, he had wished that experience could have been with someone he loved. Someone like Dean.

Love  _did_  make all the difference in the world.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"So, you ready for some porn?" Dean said, carrying a laptop and walking toward Castiel. Cas looked up at him, creasing his brow and tilting his head.

"I suppose."

Dean handed him the laptop and then turned on his heel. Castiel caught the passing scent of a freshly showered Dean and a hint of his personal scent that usually lingered.

"Wait, you're not going to search with me? I'm not sure I know-"

Dean spun around with a huge smile on his face. "Remember, you don't watch porn with other dudes..."

"And you don't talk about it." Castiel smiled back.

"There ya go," Dean said, pointing at him. "I'll be in my room on Sam's laptop. Tell me if you find something and oh, Cas... knock first." Dean flashed a sly grin and then turned to leave.

_Of course._

The first site he found, aptly called, "big titties and monster dicks" wasn't very useful. Castiel wondered for a moment if he knew the size of Gabriel's... he shook his head and clicked onto another site.

Porn sites after porn sites, scrolling through video clips and screen-shots and no archangel to be seen. The images actually didn't do anything for Castiel. He remembered the pizza man and babysitter, and he had felt aroused then, which was really,  _really_  weird for him.

But now, this was not doing it for him. Nothing.

And then he found a site with men in flannels, "LumberJack Fantasies" and he was compelled to click it. He didn't know why (Yes he did).

The page opened to two men, a blonde and a dark haired one, both with cut off denim jeans and tan work boots and oh, flannel shirts (what a surprise) that were unbuttoned, exposing their hairless chests. Castiel peered closer, wondering why these men had no body hair, whatsoever.

"Strange," he whispered to himself.

Clicking through various scenes was causing him to sweat a little. The blonde was on his knees licking the dark haired man's penis. When he shoved the whole thing in his mouth, Castiel was impressed. It was quite large and he was astonished how this small blonde man could fit it all in. It was mesmerizing. Castiel was now totally aroused watching this, but he was too focused on the mechanics to care.

And this blonde one sucked, and licked and sucked...

But then something on the corner of the page caught his attention. It was a pair of angel wings with a hand print in the middle. Castiel focused on it and tilted his head in his usual way.

"Angels and Hunters." The text was flashing blue then red then yellow. He said the name aloud and clicked it, curious as to what it could possibly be.

The page opened to a screenshot of a man in a trench coat, dark hair, and...  _oh my God._  Castiel put his hand over his mouth.  _A blue tie._  The header flashed, "Destiel Smut" and Castiel had no idea what either of those words meant. Sometimes he cursed Metatron for not giving him enough pop culture knowledge. Sure he had enough to get by but it was times like these that Castiel had wished he had more.

_Well, it has something to do with angels, so maybe Gabriel was involved._

He clicked the picture which opened to the video. He sat back and watched the scene unfold.

" _I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."_

Castiel swallowed.  _They made a porn out of Chuck's books?_ And now Castiel was completely convinced that this man in the coat was supposed to be him.

The trenchcoat man turned to the camera and loosened his tie. He started to undo the buttons on his shirt and he was licking his lips as he slipped his hands down his pants.

"Well this isn't accurate," Castiel said to himself.

" _And now it's time to show some gratitude,"_ Trenchcoat man said.

"Oh no, I never said that."

Trenchcoat man moved to the  _fake Dean_ and grabbed him, kissing him hard and passionate.

"Well that never happened..."

The fake Dean then got on his knees and began pulling down the zipper of Trenchcoat man's pants. He released the curiously large length and began to suck it. Castiel just wanted to laugh now.

"Well, I can assure you that this certainly  _did not_ happen."

He closed the laptop and sat in silence for a moment. Part of him felt really violated, like the world was aware of how he felt about Dean but on the other hand, he was amused. He had to show Dean. Dean would get a kick out of this.  _Or be mortified._  Whichever.

His knock was louder than normal, mainly because of his excitement about this website. He still could not believe they made an entire website dedicated to Dean and Castiel...  _Dean. And. Castiel_... Destiel. Cas smiled at the fact he had just figured that one out all by himself.

"Come in, Cas," Dean called out.

Castiel opened the door, slowly peeking in first to make sure that Dean had his pants on. He did and… of course, he did. Why would he have told Castiel to come in if he was... indisposed.

Dean looked up at him, with his fingers still on the trackpad of the laptop. "Anything?"

Castiel shook his head. "But look at this."

He sat on the edge of the bed next to Dean and placed the laptop in front of them. He opened it and the screen came to life. The two men, the fake Cas and Dean, were now on top of the table and the fake Dean had both their erections in his hand and was jerking, excitedly.

"Holy hell, Cas! That... that's  _not_ Gabriel."

Castiel laughed. "No, it's supposed to be me... and you." He pointed to the screen at the fake Dean. "Destiel," Castiel almost sang to him.

"Cas-"

" _This_  Dean is showing gratitude for being pulled out of Hell and-"

"Cas-"

"You should have seen the part right before this when fake Dean was on his knees and-"

"CAS!" Dean shouted and closed the laptop. "Do you know what this is?"

Castiel tilted his head at Dean. "Of course. It's a pornographic depiction of the Gospels."

Dean turned his body so he was facing Cas. He ran his hand down his face and actually had a small smile. He clapped his hands together and rubbed them. "There are some people who... uh... think we..."

The mood shifted suddenly and the feeling Cas was getting was that Dean was utterly uncomfortable with what he had just shown him. He didn't mean to make him that way, really Castiel just found it funny. It was humorous and well, a sexy version of their story.

And of course Castiel didn't mind it. Sure, it was a little perverse, men doing that on screen and all. Castiel was never really a fan of the porn industry but this was entertaining, nonetheless.

"We what, Dean?" he asked.

Dean lowered his head and chuckled, nervously. "The books you know, have this like entire fan base and people write stories, you know, fan fiction stuff and well, there was this girl's school musical based off of it and," Dean drew a breath. "They think we have this like...  _thing._  You know?"

"Thing?"

"Uh yeah, you know, subtext." Dean was looking away with a full beet red face.

"From the books?" This was getting more and more interesting by the minute for Castiel.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, like we're kinda... into each other."

"Like, in love?"

They would be right about that, or at least from Castiel's perspective. It was a little endearing to see Dean so worked about about this, though. He was blushing so much, it was almost too adorable not to love it.

"Well, yeah but like we want to do stuff like  _that_." He pointed at the closed laptop.

"Ah." Castiel grinned. "But we have never done anything like that, Dean."

_Yet. Oh God, what was Castiel thinking?_

This did make his recent desires much more tangible, in a weird way, seeing that there is an entire community that wanted it to happen. People who have read in between the lines of Chuck's books and figured it  _should_  happen. Or maybe it was how Chuck had written it in the first place. Maybe it was always there, always obvious.

_Maybe._

"Exactly. Some people just... would like us to.. hook up. Get it?"

"I think so." Cas grinned again.

He thought back to all the times his brethren teased him about his feelings for Dean, especially Balthazar. Castiel was starting to suspect that he had been so obviously in love with Dean, that these fans of the books saw it, without him even having to admit to it. If it was that obvious to them, he wondered if it was also to Dean.

"The site caught my eye because it had to do with angels." Castiel wanted to cover up the fact that he was really curious about this Destiel thing. "I will keep searching."

Castiel rose and picked up the laptop. He turned to leave.

"Wait," Dean said as he grabbed Castiel's arm. "We've been stuck in here for days. I'm getting really bad cabin fever and I never thought I'd say this but, looking at porn is boring the hell out of me."

"So what would you suggest?"  _What we saw in that video?_

"How about we get out a bit. Take a drive, after they deliver baby. We'll have to use another car, though 'cause she's pretty beat up." He paused. " The Darkness isn't doing jack so, let's get out until it does."

"That sounds great, Dean."

It was decided. They'd take a break from research and enjoy each other's company for a while. Castiel could not have been happier. Though, the idea of what he just found on the internet sparked such a curiosity in him, he couldn't wait to look more into it. Then again, seeing how uncomfortable it had made Dean, maybe it was better that he forget he'd ever seen a website focusing on them having sex. Hot sex.


	3. Chapter 3

"So, when do you think it'll actually make its move?" Dean asked from across the park bench.

After picking them up some greasy tacos, Dean had driven them to a small park that overlooked an even smaller lake. It was a pretty area, though. The sun was sitting low, ready to make its evening descent and the way that the light bounced off of the trees gave it a peaceful, picturesque feel. Castiel inhaled, smelling the freshly cut grass around them. He couldn't remember the last time he had been able to appreciate these kinds of things.

"Sorry Dean, but I have no idea. The story of the Darkness wasn't discussed much, if even at all when I was... when I was in Heaven."

Castiel frowned.

Dean leaned on his elbows on the picnic table and stared at Castiel in that certain way that usually made Cas feel a little flustered. It worked again this time. "Damn, Cas. Banned from Heaven,  _again_. It's like 2010 all over again."

"I guess it could be compared, yes." Castiel looked down, trying not to appear bothered by it all.

Dean had blamed himself for pretty much... everything, including Castiel's fall from Heaven. While Dean played a major role in why Castiel rebelled, the fact that Heaven was so corrupt back then, it made Castiel's disobedience that much more necessary. He knew that Dean saw it all as a good thing, but he still blamed himself for causing any kind of grief. But that was Dean. Weight of the world, and so on.

Castiel finished his food, wrapped the foil up in a ball, and tossed it into the trash bin a few yards away. He glanced at Dean and he was just staring out at the lake, wearing a content expression. They didn't talk again for a while and that was okay. Sitting in silence with Dean was very pleasant for Castiel. The only sounds they heard were of birds and frogs and the occasional airplane that flew overhead. This was a rare moment and Castiel wanted to cherish it.

It was also a nice break from all the chaos that had gone on in the last year. Seeing Dean content, without that dark curse, and appreciating these small things was important for Castiel. He wanted nothing more than for Dean to be at peace, within himself and all that was around him.

"I could have killed you," Dean said out of nowhere.

Castiel was shaken out of his calmed state. He looked at Dean who was still staring ahead. Whatever was causing Dean to bring this up, Castiel couldn't let Dean believe that.

"Dean."

"It's true. Don't deny it." Dean slowly turned to meet Cas' gaze. He appeared calm, regardless of the intensity of the subject matter.

"But you didn't."

"But I could have." Dean looked away.

Castiel spun around on the bench so that he was facing Dean. He wasn't going to let Dean believe that he would have killed him because Castiel knew, in his heart, that Dean couldn't, wouldn't. He saw that moment again, clear as day. Dean over him, the angel blade in his hand. Behind the storm in Dean's eyes, he saw the flicker of light. The almost hidden spark of love.

"Do you remember when I was under Naomi's mind control?" Cas searched Dean's eyes. Dean nodded and looked at him. "Do you remember when I suddenly broke out of it?"

Another nod.

Castiel inhaled, preparing himself to tell Dean the truth about that moment. The memory of them in the crypt flooded back again. Castiel beating on Dean, controlled by the terrible angel, Naomi. She wanted him to kill Dean. She had him rehearse it over and over again until Castiel could do the task without feeling any remorse.

But those were copies that he was killing, not the  _real_  Dean. The real Dean had been staring up at him, desperately trying to wake Castiel up, to break him out of whatever was controlling him. Because Dean knew. He knew Castiel. He knew his angel would not want to harm him.

And Castiel felt that love crash into him like a freight train and then it was all over. The mind control was done. Love won. Just like it did a few nights ago. When Dean had asked Castiel what had caused the mind control to break, he lied but he still couldn't remember why.

"You broke it.  _You_."

Dean chuckled and then looked away. "Yeah, right."

Castiel became a little agitated at Dean's stubborn way of downplaying just how much he really meant to him. He leaned in closer to the hunter and searched his eyes until Dean was forced to look at him.

"You did. And you know what, no matter what control I was under, I couldn't kill you. Just like the other night,  _you_ couldn't kill  _me_. You stopped yourself. And you stopped yourself from killing Sam."

Dean stared at Castiel and opened his mouth to say something but he closed it and let Castiel continue.

"Our bond, Dean, is stronger than curses and mind control, and whatever power in this universe that wants us to hurt each other. We  _are_  stronger than all of it."

It had hit Castiel, at that moment, the significance of what he had just said. While it seemed that many forces around them wanted them apart, they defeated it. Wherever their minds were, as lost as they seemed, something inside chose each other. Chose love.

Dean's lips curled into a very small smile. "Then why?"

"Why what?" Castiel narrowed his gaze.

"Why do people, or  _whatever_  in the universe, want us to... hurt each other?"

"I don't know. But the fact that we're still here talking about it proves that we are better than all of it."

Castiel felt like he made some progress with Dean. He appeared lighter now. His eyes weren't plagued in torment anymore and shining a little brighter. Dean felt responsible for pretty much everything under the sun. But it was Castiel that was to blame for what was currently taking place.

"I need  _you_  to forgive me," Castiel said. Dean chuckled.

"F-for what?" Dean asked, higher pitched than normal.

"For lying. Sneaking around behind your back with Sam. For-"

"Oh come on, Cas." Dean interrupted. "Of course I forgive you," he said shaking his head."You and Sam are just as stubborn as I am."

He placed his hand on Castiel's shoulder and now Cas didn't flinch and it made Dean smile wider. Castiel wasn't sure what made him place his hand over Dean's but he did it and it was done and Dean didn't object, or pull away.

And this was truly unbelievable. The snuggling in bed that one night and now Cas was holding Dean's hand. Castiel's mind reeled. He was sure his cheeks were flushed but with the sun rays shining on them now, it would go unnoticed.

"Plus, I thought for a very hot second that maybe you guys were sneaking around to, you know, hook up," Dean confessed and then started laughing.

"Hook up? Me and Sam?" Castiel wasn't amused.

"Just for like a second. A  _fraction_  of second."

Dean threw his head back, laughing still, and continued, "Sam was acting all shifty and you were... well you suck at lying, and when you called him and I answered… dude, you were full on busted and I was thinking, 'what the hell is going on with these two?' And then he had to leave the room another time you had called. It was very suspicious."

Castiel was still not amused. Not only because of the fact that he had never thought of Sam in that way, but that was also when he was with Charlie and Rowena, and well, that day still caused a lot of pain in the angel.

"Well, I guess I can see that." Castiel said, trying to find a way to change the subject. "I wonder what Rowena is up to."

Okay not really changing the subject.

"Who knows."

The sun was low and shining directly on them, lighting up Dean's face with warm orange and yellow hues. His freckles were so much more noticeable and Castiel became a little lost in them for a while. They watched the sun set behind the lake, which caused a chill in the air. Castiel wished he had brought a sweatshirt or jacket, he was only in Dean's t-shirt and jeans. He glanced at Dean and saw he was shivering too.

"Should we head back?" Castiel asked.

Dean nodded and rose from the bench. "Yeah."

As they walked back to the car, Dean in the lead, he stopped and turned to Castiel. "Hey, just wondering, what do you think about that whole  _Destiel_  thing, anyway?"

Castiel wasn't expecting Dean to ever bring that up again so he wasn't even prepared to answer it. "What do you mean?"

"Does it... bother you?" Dean was doing his usual nervous twitch of trying not to smile and looking around, avoiding eye contact. Did it bother Dean? Castiel couldn't tell.

"That people see us together? No, of course not," Castiel said. Dean's face brightened a bit, and then Cas continued, "But they don't know us. We aren't like that. We're just friends. That's all."

And seeing Dean's face drop made Castiel want to take that back.

"Right. Of course," Dean said, shaking his head and moving to the driver's side of the car.

Castiel was now cursing at himself. Did he say something wrong? He didn't want to make Dean uncomfortable by saying,  _'Yes, I love it that people want us together and you know what, I want it too. I am in love and always have been and let's be together, and kiss, and maybe do all those things the fake Cas and Dean were doing...'_

So instead he just went with what he assumed that Dean wanted to hear. To confirm that they were  _just friends_. Nothing more. No hidden feelings, or secret desires for each other. No  _subtext_.

But it  _wasn't_ what Dean wanted to hear and that was making Castiel utterly confused and he had to admit, totally excited as well.

When Castiel sat in the car, he waited for Dean to start her up to finish his thought that would hopefully make Dean feel a little better. "But... it's not terrible for people to see our bond as something like that. It's kind of sweet."

He kept his eyes on Dean who was looking ahead when Cas spoke. He saw Dean's mouth twitch into a smile that grew wider as he drove on.

_Interesting._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Back at the bunker, Dean decided it was movie time. He asked Castiel to meet him in the lounge area of the bunker. This was the room with the bigger television and a nice over-sized couch. Castiel did as he asked and sat down, letting his body sink into the soft cushions.

Dean came in, soon after with a handful of DVDs in his hand. He knelt down on the floor near the television and splayed them out.

"Okay, we have Groundhog Day, Raiders, Predator, Cannonball Run."

He paused concentrating on one of the DVDs, and then he slipped it under the others and didn't mention it. He glanced up at Castiel. "Any of those sound like something you'd like to watch?"

Castiel recalled some of those titles from either hearing the brothers talk about them or from Metatron's knowledge zap. "Raiders."

Dean smiled and opened the case, inserted the disc into the dvd player that was under the television, and then he stood. "Be right back."

The movie began when Dean came back with a bowl of potato chips. He placed the bowl down on the cushion between them and he sat back, swinging his leg over his knee. "Now, no pointing out that the ark isn't real, or that God would never put that kind of power in one little box and-"

"Oh it's real," Castiel said, studying the dvd cover and turning it over to glance at the back.

Dean tilted his head. "Really?" And his face lit up like a little boy on Christmas.

"Yes. Though, I doubt very much anyone knows its whereabouts. Not even Harrison Ford," Castiel said, flashing Dean a little smile.

Dean held his grin when he turned back to the screen. "That's awesome."

They shared another smile before giving all of their attention to the movie. Sure Castiel had some issues with the plot. None of this would actually happen in real life, as these Nazi's failed terribly at acquiring such heavenly artifacts. All fakes.

Castiel enjoyed the movie, anyway, appreciating his time with Dean after all that they have been through in the last year. Hell, in the last two years actually. Or three. Pretty much since they met, really. Having moments like these were rare. Few and far between. It was nice. Calming. Meaningful. With Sam and Crowley gone, they had the place all to themselves.

As if Dean was reading his mind, he glanced at Cas. They made eye contact and they stayed like that for a good ten seconds. Castiel could tell Dean was far more relaxed than he had been in days. Sure, he still had an ocean of pain behind his eyes, but he was healing. He was getting better and possibly starting to forgive himself for his actions. It would take a long time, and he may never get over  _everything, b_ ut he  _will_  forgive himself and that was most important.

Castiel was all too familiar with guilt and the need to accept the consequences of bad choices. He killed angels and humans when he was full of all those souls. He committed heinous crimes against the world and he suffered greatly because of it. It was the main reason, the only reason, he wanted to remain in Purgatory. He didn't deserve a second chance.

Yet, he was given one and Castiel had to find a way to redeem himself to humanity. To Dean. He would do as much good as possible until the burden of what he had done lifted a little. He knew he'd have to talk to Dean about this. Dean was in spiritual agony and he needed to unload his guilt. Although Dean wasn't one to talk about his feelings, he hoped a few moments here and there of opening up would help, as they had always had in the past.

"So, what d'ya think?" Dean asked now that the movie had ended.

Castiel blinked. "It was good. I liked it a lot, Dean."

"It's one of my favorites."

Dean smiled and slid off of the couch towards the DVDs. He rummaged through them again as Castiel leaned forward and spotted the movie that Dean had avoided mentioning. It was something called 'Fight Club' and Castiel understood that Dean would have been reminded of some of his past sins if they watched it. He started to wonder how close he'd be able to get to Dean, to help him with his troubled mind. He also understood that Dean wasn't ready to open up about it yet.

Castiel's mind went back to that Destiel porn again. He pondered on the popularity of it, that sexual fantasy between Dean and himself. He also wondered if there were more... pairings from those books. Sam and Crowley? That made him giggle a little. Crowley and Castiel? That made him cringe. Castiel was also curious as to how a bunch of girls could actually write an entire musical based on Dean and Sam's life. It must have been so much fun to watch, or heartbreaking.

He could tell Dean was looking at him, so he met the hunter's green eyes and smiled. "So, this girls' school musical, how did they... represent us?"

"Ah, Marie and them." Dean sat crossed legged on the floor, facing Castiel. "Well, first of all, they were very creative. I mean, they really did a great job."

"Any good songs?"

Dean looked up, still wearing a smile. "Yeah. They did this awesome version of 'Carry on My Wayward Son', it's a song by Kansas, by the way. Then, ah, the 'Road So Far'...  _His name is Sammy, I'm big brother, Dean_ ," Dean sang and laughed.

"Big brother Dean. That's cute."

Castiel smiled.

"Yeah, at first I was like, hey this is gay but then I warmed up to it. I liked it a lot." Dean's eyes flickered as he was picturing it all in his head.

"And the...  _us_  parts?"

"Yes, the  _Destiel_ parts," Dean chuckled. "They sang about when you waited for me, while I slept. Uh, that day I traveled into the future. It was kinda cute. I never realized how... you would just wait for me."

Oh, yes. Castiel remembered that. "On the street, I was waiting for you. You needed to sleep."

Dean smirked. "Yup, then they uh, well, they just made us really... I don't know, close."

"We  _are_ close."

"We are." Dean rose and joined Cas on the couch. He dipped his hand into the bowl of chips and shoved a few in his mouth.

"Speaking of, I never told you about what I saw when I went into the future."

No he never did. He returned and told Cas to never change and then he just called Sam. They parted ways and it was never brought up again. Castiel was curious as to what could have caused Dean to react the way he did upon coming back to the present, but he just let it slide. He figured it was something personal, as his time travel to the past.

"I can only assume it was eye opening."

"Yeah yeah." Dean leaned back against the cushions and stretched his legs out a bit, his shin slightly brushing up against Castiel's knee. "Lucifer wearing Sam to the prom and all. We really changed that story, huh?" Dean smiled. "But you were there."

Castiel nodded. "I thought so, you were pretty sure to let me know not to change. I can't imagine what I was like."

"You were on drugs. And uh, and into some guru crap, which I think was just a cover to get the girls to agree to the orgies." Dean laughed as he dug into the chips again.

"Or-orgies?"

Dean raised his eyebrows. "Uh huh"

"That doesn't sound like me at all."

Castiel shook his head. Yes, he thought about sex and yes he had sex when he was human, but orgies? Not only was Castiel sure he could never partake in them, he couldn't imagine to have been with Dean in the future and want  _that_ instead of Dean. Impossible to even envision it.

"It wasn't you. I mean, it  _was_  but," Dean sat up and rested his elbows on his knees. "You were sad. Well, happy from the drugs but I could tell."

"Sad about what?"

"You were human. You said the angels left and your powers left with them." Dean faced Castiel, now staring deeply into his eyes. "So you seemed, I don't know, depressed about it."

"Huh," Cas said with a frown.

Castiel could sense that Dean was waiting for him to say something more. Maybe Dean needed confirmation? Castiel wasn't really sure if being human would cause that reaction, though. Sure, he had been human before and it wasn't the best experience, but drugs and orgies didn't seem like the answer.

"I'm sure I was sad about something else."

There was an awkward silence and Castiel's eyes scanned the room. He could feel the direction the conversation was headed and he wondered if it would be wise to maybe be quiet and watch another movie. Not that Castiel didn't feel the need for one of their deep talks, he just knew Dean was still emotionally fragile due to recent events and he didn't want Dean to shut down all together if he couldn't handle the depth of their conversation.

And for some reason, he felt that maybe his future self was sad about something that had to do with Dean.

"But you were by my side. The future me, that is. You stayed with me," Dean said, now smiling a little.

"I'm sure I did. Why wouldn't I?" Castiel said.

Dean sighed. "When you were human a couple of years ago, that medic angel came after you... were you sad then, Cas?"

Dean wasn't going to let this go.

This was yet another experience he would have to jot down in his 'Castiel's Life Changing Events' journal. If he had one of those. Which he doesn't.

Dean didn't know why Castiel was so full of sorrow that year. Being human had nothing to do with it. Sure it was a struggle and he was feeling like a fish out of water on most days, but there was also a certain dignity, a certain kind of rewarding pleasure in working at that Gas N Sip and being responsible for the overall well being of the small establishment. Castiel had a place in the world but during that time, that place was far away from Dean, and well, that was why he was heartbroken.

"It was somber, yes but not because I was human." Castiel looked down at his hands that were nervously playing with the fabric of his shirt. This was the last thing they needed to be talking about. "It was hard being told to leave. I didn't understand it back then, of course, so it-"

"That angel guy came after you because you were depressed about me kicking you out of the bunker?" Dean stood, putting his hands up to his head. "You were... because of  _me_?"

"Dean..."

"Wow, I really screwed up your life, didn't I?"

"No. Not at all, Dean. This was long ago, we shouldn't even be talking about it."

Dean paced and looked at Cas and paced some more, and he did this for a few more seconds before stopping in front of him and peering down. He opened his mouth to speak but he didn't, and paced again until finally Castiel stood and took his arms.

"You need to forget it, Dean."

Dean looked at him. "Do ever think your life would be better without me in it?"

"Absolutely not."

They each sat back down on the couch. He understood Dean. He was aware that Dean kept everything in until he exploded. It was a pattern Castiel had seen since he met the hunter. His unhealthy ways of dealing with, well,  _anything_  that can be seen as remotely emotional was going to drive him mad some day.

Castiel tried a few more kind words but Dean just shook his head in protest. Finally, Castiel turned his body on the couch, grabbed Dean's wrists to get him to stop moving them around so much as he spoke, and he forced the hunter to look at him.

"My life didn't have meaning until you came into it, Dean. Just so you know." Castiel waited for Dean to let that sink in and then he added, "So stop this self loathing crap and let's watch another movie, yeah?"

Dean's eyebrows raised and he let out a breathy chuckle. "Yeah, okay." Dean slid off of the couch and picked up one of the DVDs. He smiled, briefly and then inserted it. "You can never go wrong with Bill Murray."

Castiel saw Dean put on his game face now. The one where he pretended as if their recent conversation had never taken place, but that was okay for now. Castiel really wanted them to just enjoy each others company and maybe when the time was right, they would pick up the conversation again. For now, it was Groundhog Day, chips, and a nice comfortable couch.

The movie began and Dean shifted on the couch so that his head was almost touching Castiel's and his legs were draped over the other arm of the couch. He enjoyed the closeness. He could hear Dean breath better and he could... smell him. Castiel tried ignoring the delicious scent that was coming from Dean and shifted his attention to the movie.

Halfway through the film, Castiel heard Dean's heavy breathing. He had fallen asleep with the bowl of chips in his hand. Castiel wriggled, removing the bowl carefully as not to wake him. Dean mumbled something, sniffled, and then his head dropped... into Castiel's lap.

Castiel froze holding the bowl up in the air. This was interesting and overwhelming… Dean Winchester's head was in his lap.

His lap. His head...

Cas set the bowl down carefully on the floor and he tried to remain still with his arms lifted, as if moving them would cause some kind of catastrophe. Then Castiel chuckled at how ridiculous he was behaving. He lowered his arms and sank back a little more into the cushions. His hand rested on Dean's head and he stroked his hair, gingerly at first, as if he was touching something scorching hot, but then his hand relaxed and so did he.

_This was nice. So nice. So intimate and so nice._

He watched the rest of the movie in this position. When it was over, he was happy that the remote was close to him, so he clicked a button on it and the television went black. He leaned back again, sinking into the soft cushions, and closed his eyes. He  _could_  sleep. The movie had made him tired so he knew he could just drift off right there, on the couch, with Dean in his lap.

Then he thought of that porno and the fake Dean with the fake Castiel's member in his mouth.

 _No no, do not think of that. Please_ _ **do not**_   _think of that._

" _Show me some gratitude"_

Castiel shifted, praying that an erection wouldn't occur, for it seemed that porno refused to leave his brain. He cursed the porn industry and those actors pretending to be them. Now it was all he saw and he knew this would be very awkward,  _extremely_  awkward if he should get a hard on with Dean's head in his lap.

_His head in his lap._

Castiel inhaled, deeply and began to think of other things. Nicer things.  _Non sexual things_. He thought of the tacos at the park. Yes, that was pleasant. It was great being with Dean. Being close like this and not having to worry about anything ominous at the moment. Okay that did it, now Castiel could only think of Dean and him in that park, watching the sunset, counting his freckles, and how peaceful it was.

Castiel kept stroking Dean's hair back from his forehead until Castiel had drifted off to sleep himself.


	4. Chapter 4

"Cas," Dean whispered, shaking Castiel awake. The angel opened his eyes and looked around, realizing he had fallen asleep on the couch.

"Oh, I fell asleep."

"Yeah me too."

Castiel stood and ran his fingers through his hair. The clock read four a.m. so that was why he was still tired and he figured that more sleep would be a good idea. He followed Dean out into the hallway, watching him as he ran a hand through his hair. 

"Gonna get a few more hours." Dean said, outside of his room. He yawned, went inside, and closed his door.

Castiel went to his room and slept for another few hours. When he awoke, he did his routine of showering and brushing his teeth. He slipped into a fresh pair of jeans,  _Thank you, Dean,_ and another rock band t-shirt. Led Zeppelin, Dean's favorite band.

After a quick bowl of cereal and coffee (Castiel was happy he had remembered how to make coffee from his days at the Gas N' Sip), he made his way into the living room. He knew he should be searching the porn sites for Gabriel but he was a little concerned that he'd be too tempted to check out the Destiel site again, so instead he sat in the comfy chair, picked up a book, and began reading.

This book was about various corruptions of curses. This could have some useful information about the Darkness, seeing how it had turned into a curse when Lucifer was responsible for it. But then the words on the page started blurring because his mind drifted to Dean's head on his lap. Castiel wanted to understand what was happening between them. First the bed, then the hand holding, and the obvious joy Dean had when Castiel said the idea of them together was  _sweet,_ and then last night...

Dean had always, quite plainly, refused to be close with other men. A hug made him awkward. A nice word caused him to fluster. Anything deep and meaningful turned Dean into some kind of macho man who would wave his hand and make it clear that 'dudes don't act this way with each other'. Sam, on the other hand was the complete opposite.

Then Castiel remembered Dean in Purgatory. He hugged Castiel then. He didn't stiffen or brush it off as a one time thing. He was affectionate and happy to see him, and he had actually cried in Castiel's arms. Once they were back out, Dean had immediately gone back to his usual closed off self. This had Castiel perplexed. Why was he so comfortable being close to Castiel  _there_  but not  _here?_

But now, he's different, for the old Dean would never have done any of these things that he'd been doing in the last few days. At that thought, Dean entered the room with his laptop. He opened it, showing Castiel a site dedicated to 'Angel Porn'.

" _You don't watch porn in a room full of dudes,"_ echoed in Castiel's head.

Castiel shook his head and squinted to get a better look at the naked woman with fluffy white angel wings who was bending over a table and grabbing her own ass.

"Seriously?" Castiel said now looking at Dean.

"Dude, there's porn for everyone out there." Dean chuckled and closed the laptop. "And honestly, Cas, I'm so tired of it. If Gabriel doesn't want to be found, I doubt he'd be advertising himself on porn websites, right?"

Castiel agreed.

"So, today, we do something else. Something new. Something we've never done before together, what do ya say?"

Castiel swallowed and blinked up at Dean. "W-what did you have in mind?"

_Gratitude._

"Well, Sam and Crowley just arrived in southern Texas and if we leave now, we can make it there by night and then we could... go to the beach?" Dean grinned wide.

"What about your car?" Surely that was a reasonable question. Going anywhere with Dean would no doubt be a great thing, but he wasn't sure Dean was thinking too clearly.

"She's here. The tow guys just dropped her off. I can work on her another time."

Okay, that was peculiar. That was his true love he was talking about here. Of course, after being through traumatic events, such attachments usually weaken and the importance of it all lessens considerably.

"What about the Darkness, Dean? What if it decided to act up while we're down there?"

"Would it matter where we are?"

Dean had a point. It wasn't like anything here was moving them along on the research front. So why not take a break from it all.? It sounded like a great idea and he knew how happy it would make Dean for he had mentioned how much he wanted to be at the beach, oh, maybe about a thousand times over the years.

It was decided and Dean helped Castiel pack a bag, giving him extra boxers and socks, and shirts. He told Cas that they'd stop at a store to get bathing suits and anything else they might need. Dean was happy, shining, and snapping his fingers, singing Good Vibrations, and it was an adorable sight. They grabbed a few towels on their way out and locked the door behind them.

The drive started off nice, the sun was still low in the morning sky and the colors bounced off the wet grass and leaves. Kansas was really a pleasant place to live. Lebanon, where the bunker was located, was known for being the center of the United States, and more interestingly, the crossroads. There were many other bunkers located around the country and Castiel had wondered if they'd ever explore them.

Since moving into this location, Sam and Dean had a real place to call home. Castiel recalled it taking a little bit longer for Sam to fully adjust to it, but Dean had been elated to have his own room and bed, it was really  _something_  to see that change in him. Dean settled in nicely to a more domesticated role and Castiel could tell that if Dean had given up hunting, he'd have been a hell of a family man.

Dean started singing along to Boston's 'More Than a Feeling', and he was flashing Castiel a smile every now the then. Castiel really missed this. It had been too long since he'd seen this carefree and lighthearted Dean and he loved the way the corner of his eyes would crinkle when he smiled. Castiel could stare at Dean all day if he'd let him.

When he realized that he had been staring at Dean for far too long, he peeled his eyes off of him and let his head rest against the window, letting the landscape offer a much needed distraction. It was interesting how the geography remained unchanged, it almost appeared they weren't moving at all. Castiel felt himself drift off a few times and he knew Dean must be getting sleepy as well. He offered to drive and Dean gave him a strange look at first, and then he said, "Yeah, that would be great, Cas."

They switched places and now Castiel was driving. He noticed Dean's deep concentration at first, on how Castiel was doing but then he eased back and closed his eyes.

"You're doin' great, Cas," he said, the last part fading into a whisper.

Castiel smiled at Dean and then focused on the road. He turned the music lower to allow Dean to rest.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel drove for hours, occasionally looking over at Dean who was was dead to the world. Even when Castiel had gone over a pothole that caused the entire car to shake, Dean didn't wake up.  _He must be really tired,_ Castiel thought.

The road sign indicated that Galveston was the next exit. He thought he'd give Sam a call once they reached a gas station, as the car appeared to require some at that point. Castiel pulled off and found a fill up joint right off the exit.

Dean slept through Castiel filling up the car, going to the restroom, calling Sam, and as he drove them to their destination. Sam had said they were probably about a half hour away from the beach side hotel he had booked them. Dean was going to be so excited, Castiel couldn't wait to see the look on Dean's face once they reached the sandy shore.

The stars were shining brilliantly in the sky that night and the moon reflecting off of the ocean made it all look unreal. It had been a while since Castiel was able to appreciate how beautiful the night was. When he looked up at the stars, he thought of Heaven. He remembered being that brave and young soldier who obeyed every last command.

But he didn't really, did he? His mind had been wiped so many times, Castiel wondered if his rebellion those years back had not really been the first time. Maybe he always did that. Maybe that was why it felt so right. He'd always had been destined to reject Heaven and that thought gave Castiel a small stomach flip.

Had he been destined to meet Dean? Destined to pull him out hell? Destined to fall completely and utterly in love? A love that Castiel had never felt before in his entire life, and it was a very,  _very_  long life. He only wished to tell Dean how he felt. He had wanted to for so long now, but each time the opportunity presented itself, he would close up. His main fear wasn't that Dean wouldn't reciprocate. It was what that knowledge could possibly do to their friendship. Castiel didn't want to destroy what they had worked so hard to build. That bond that was undeniable.  _Profound bond_ , and then some.

Through the years Castiel had become good at burying his feelings. It wasn't his preference but it was necessary. Even after the few times Castiel could have sworn he'd seen the same spark in Dean's eyes, he held back anyway. Dean wasn't ready. Of course now something was obviously happening between them. Maybe it wasn't the romance that Castiel had wanted, but it was something, nonetheless. Something amazing.

He glanced over at Dean who was sleeping with his mouth slightly open. His face, a peaceful reminder of the sliver of peace they had been granted at the moment. Whether Cas' choices led him to Dean or if was in fact, destiny, he was just happy he was with him now.

Castiel found the hotel and pulled in. Sam and Crowley were unpacking Sam's car when Sam turned to see them drive up. He made a funny facial expression at Castiel.

"Hey, Dean must have been real tired to let you drive," Sam teased with a smile while peering in the driver's side window.

Just then Dean awoke and looked around. "Wha- huh?"

"Hey Dean, welcome to... the beach," Sam said as he extended his arms.

Dean's eyes widened. He glanced at Cas and then he opened the car door to exit. He stood in the hotel parking lot with his mouth open. "We're  _staying_ at the beach?"

Sam nodded and threw a hotel key at Castiel. Then at Dean. "We each have our own rooms too. Imagine that?"

Dean smiled at Sam and Cas. "This is awesome. I thought we'd be staying at some dump off the freeway."

Castiel reached into the backseat and grabbed their bags. His key said room 10, so he made his way there after handing Dean his things, and that was when Crowley approached him.

"How's your mojo?" he asked, twirling his own key around his finger.

"Still not fueled up. You?" Castiel narrowed his eyes.

"Powerless like a god damned mortal. It's been almost four days, Castiel. This can't be good."

Castiel hadn't realized how much time had passed since the Darkness was released. Whether they were drained because of Rowena or the Darkness, Crowley was right, it wasn't good. When he was about to ask Crowley more about Rowena's level of witchery, Dean walked by them, bumping into Castiel.

"Room 9, right next to you Cas," Dean said while opening his door.

Castiel watched him go inside. He fidgeted with his bag and gave Crowley a concerned look, but then he shrugged. There was nothing they could do about it now. So, this was going to be a little vacation. A holiday away from all the crap they've been dealing with lately.

His room was small but very cozy. There a queen sized bed against the left wall with two bedside tables on either side. A painting of a ship at sail under the moonlight hung on the opposite wall and above the bed was a red and white round life preserver with the hotel's name stenciled on it. He smiled at the small anchors that made up the blue and white wallpaper. He kind of liked the seaside theme to it all.

He set his bag down on the tiny table by the entrance and pulled back the curtains (also adorned with small white anchors) which opened up to a full view of the beach. The ocean air filled the room and his lungs, awakening a certain peaceful feeling within him. He flipped his shoes off and sat on the edge of the bed.

_Now what._

A knock on his door startled him. He walked over to it and opened it. Dean stood there with a six pack of beer in his hand and a couple of towels draped over his arm. "Come on, we're gonna have a bonfire."

He followed Dean, Sam, and Crowley down to the beach as he took his surroundings. The beach was empty but the air was warm and comforting, he was surprised that more people weren't taking advantage of this beautiful Texas night. It was a medium sized beach that stretched probably a few miles until it hit a more touristy part. He inhaled and a feeling of serenity came over him from just the sound of the waves crashing. Ah, these human experiences were so wonderful. For a very brief moment, Castiel wished he'd never get his angel powers back.

Just for a brief moment.

"I'm only doing this because I don't want to be caught off guard when the bloody Darkness attacks," Crowley hissed.

"Sure, Crowley. Keep telling yourself that." Sam laughed and placed a large towel on the sand.

"I haven't forgotten that you tried to kill me not one week ago, Moose."

"Can it, Crowley. No talk about any of that shit, okay? It's done. It's over. We all fucked up." Dean cracked open and beer and in almost a whisper, he repeated, "We all fucked up."

Castiel looked at Dean and tilted his head. Dean caught this and made eye contact with Cas. He reached down and grabbed a beer, opened it, and handed it to him. "Beer?"

Castiel accepted it and smiled. "Thanks, Dean."

It wasn't long before they were all sitting on towels, drinking beer by a nice little fire Dean had started. Crowley made some comments about s'mores and Dean joked about hot girl scouts, with Sam calling Dean a  _pedo-perv_ , Dean saying that the counselors were usually of legal age, and the conversation got a little weird so Cas spoke.

"So," he cleared his throat and noticed he was feeling a little tipsy. He shook his beer and it felt almost empty. "If I don't regain my powers, I want you guys to teach me how to shoot… a gun." Cas hiccuped.

Sam smiled. "Of course, but you uh, you don't think you'll get your powers back?"

There was a short moment of silence but then Castiel began, "I'm not sure. With Hannah banning me and the Darkness, it's unclear what kind of future awaits." He glanced briefly at Dean who had been listening intently. "Just in case."

"Sure Cas. Sure thing." Sam said, handing him another beer.

Four beers later and Castiel was drunk. His head swam at the sound of the ocean and it made him feel that much more unsteady. He tried to stand but when he did, the ground moved under his feet so he quickly sat back down.

"Cas, you're wasted," Dean said, laughing at him.

"No,  _you're_  wasted," Castiel said, not even knowing why he said it, since Dean didn't appear drunk at all. Not even tipsy. That man had some tolerance. He heard laughter coming from his left and he saw Crowley's smug face.

"What?" Cas said to Crowley. Crowley just continued to laugh.

"Oh, am I funny to you, Crowley?" Castiel said with a hint of anger. Crowley raised his eyebrows and he let a loud guffaw.

"Oh, you sure are, Pesci."

Castiel now scrambled to his knees and crawled towards him.

"You're laughing at me? You- you big King of Hell with the empty threats and pointless speeches about being evil… you, you're just a pathetic demon who really just wants love."

Sam and Dean both snickered and Crowley's smile faded quickly. "Bollocks. I can have love if I really wanted it and who bloody wants  _that_?" Crowley said, defensively and a tad bit shaky.

"Yeah right. You wanted Dean to love you!" Castiel pointed to Dean.

"Okay, Cas, settle down," Dean said, coughing nervously afterwards. He grabbed Castiel's arm but Cas jerked it away, pushing Dean a little. "Get off of me, Dean." Cas squinted at Dean.

"Hey, hey, Cas. Come on" Sam said, now moving towards Castiel. "You're drunk, let's get you to your room."

Castiel's eyes shot daggers at Sam as he tried to focus on him but was seeing double at this point. He wanted to punch all of them in their stupid faces. Especially Sam and his holier than thou attitude.

"Sam. Oh Sammy Sam." Castiel began to laugh uncontrollably. "You'd wither away and die if you couldn't act so superior all the time. Really, S-Sam. Really, what would you do if Dean and I weren't more screwed up than you, huh?"

Sam backed away and held his hands up. "Okay, I give."

"Cas, you're acting like a dick. Go get some sleep," Dean said, shaking his head.

Castiel turned his wobbly head to Dean and smirked at him. Dean snapped his head back and then rolled his eyes, as if saying, "Here we go, my turn."

"Oh, I can go on forever about you D-Dean. Forever. You call me a dick but you… you're like the biggest dick ever." Castiel picked up his beer and held it to his mouth, but it was empty. He frowned and tossed the can behind him.

He continued, "You're always with the rules. Dudes don't do this and they don't do that, but then you do it anyway, and you never talk about anything that you feel… you're like a stupid macho robot sometimes… and you say  _I'm_ the one who's cold…"

Dean looked away, trying to ignore him.

"The guilt and pain you carry is going to fucking kill you if you don't talk about it."

All eyes widened when they heard Castiel curse. They never had heard him use the F bomb before, in any of its forms. Castiel fell back and his head hit the sand pretty hard, he winced and then turned to face Dean.

"And what was with that cuddling in my-"

"Okay, that's enough," Dean said and rose to his feet. "Time for you to go to sleep."

Castiel felt his arms being yanked and then suddenly he was on his feet. The entire beach was spinning and he could have sworn at some point, the ocean and sky switched places. He tried to maintain balance, but it was pointless. He knew Sam and Dean were carrying him, somehow, across the sand, then to the pavement, and then Castiel was thrown onto his bed. He tried to say something to Dean but all that came out was,

"Bed… love... you."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel's eyes opened and he squinted at the sun that was shining through the window and directly onto his face. There was a knocking sound and he wasn't sure if that was his head pounding from the awful headache he had, or if someone was at the door. He closed his eyes and turned to his side, hoping he'd fall back to sleep.

"Cas, it's me, Sam. Open up!"

The bed was so comfortable. Not as much as the one in the bunker, but it was still so warm and cozy and Castiel didn't want to move from it. The knocking persisted though and it grew louder and louder until Castiel knew he had no choice but to get up.

"Hang on," Castiel called out.

He slipped out of bed, looking down at himself, noticing he was still in his clothes from the day prior. Suddenly the memory of last night came to him.  _Oh God,_  he was so drunk and he said some pretty awful things to the guys. He almost didn't want to open the door for fear that Sam was waiting out there with a closed fist ready to punch him in the face.

But he opened the door and Sam was smiling, holding a bottle of water and a small bottle of pills. A plastic shopping bag hung off of his wrist.

"Hey, you lush." Sam pushed Castiel aside and entered his room. He set the water and pills on the table and sat in one of the chairs.

"Take those. It's aspirin."

"Sam." Castiel felt terrible Just terrible.

"I'm sure your head is pounding right about now, right?"

He nodded. The throbbing made it feel like he'd pop a blood vessel. His stomach was upset, his mouth felt like he'd swallowed about a pound of sand, that was incidentally all over his clothes and sheets. He felt like crying. This was the worst feeling in the world. He vowed to himself that he'd never drink again. Ever.

"Sam, I'm so sorry about last night. I was drunk and I didn't mean the things I was saying, I hope you and Dean could forgive me."

Sam chuckled. "Oh, it's cool. I mean, on my end. Dean on the other hand, I dunno, he was pretty hurt."

Sam raised his eyebrows but Castiel couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. Before he could ask him, Sam rose from the chair and turned for the door.

"We're heading to the beach, meet us there."

Sam threw the bag to Castiel and he caught it. Inside was a pair of blue shorts with two big yellow Hawaiian style flowers sewn into it.  _These must be swimming trunks_ , Castiel thought. A shower was needed, and he wished that he could wash away the night's events. He knew that was an impossible thought and he would have to face Dean eventually. Like in five minutes….

After his shower, he slipped his trunks on and grabbed a towel, not bothering with shoes, since the beach was close. He stepped outside and held a hand to his forehead to shield his eyes from the bright sunlight. The ocean air felt good as it hit his face in small gusts of wind, and thanks to the aspirin, his headache was fading but as it did, he stomach growled. He was hungry.

He reached the area where Sam and Dean had laid down their towels and there was a small Styrofoam cooler sitting in between them. Castiel hoped it wasn't full of more beer. The thought made him queasy.

Sam looked up at Cas and gave him a little smile. "Woah, you're like almost translucent."

Castiel looked down at him, confused.

"You're really pale, Cas." Sam smiled and shook his head. "Anyway, sandwiches, water, and soda are in the cooler if you're hungry."

Castiel peered down at Dean who was just staring ahead at the ocean. He didn't acknowledge Castiel at all, even after he sat down next to Dean and said, "Thanks Sam," eyeing Dean the whole time.

The right time to apologize would present itself. For now, Castiel should eat and probably drink more liquids since he felt parched. He reached over Dean to the cooler and snatched a sandwich and a can of soda. It was a good combination of turkey, some kind of white cheese, mustard, and a piece of lettuce. Castiel ate it pretty quickly and leaned back on his elbows, sipping on his soda.

Dean still didn't pay any attention to him.

Sam tried to make conversation, looking between Castiel and Dean, cautiously, as if he could tell the tension was thick. He talked about their next move in regards to finding Gabriel, or God. He mentioned California and that he thought maybe they could check the news for anything suspicious as far as the Darkness activity. Dean would just nod and keep his gaze out at the ocean. It was when Sam left to go for a jog that Castiel found the courage to talk to him.

"Dean, I'm sorry."

Still looking ahead, Dean said, "Cas, don't. It's fine."

Castiel sat up. "No, Dean. You need to hear it."

"Oh, like I needed to hear what a cold macho robot I am?" Dean finally turned to Castiel with a raised eyebrow. He didn't seem that troubled but Castiel could tell right away that what he had said last night, hurt Dean.

"Dean, I didn't mean it. I was just-"

"Drunk. But you meant it. I know you did." Dean kept looking at him.

"I-" Castiel didn't know how to make this better.

"You meant it because it's true." Dean lowered his head. "I need to be more open. I know that. I know." He turned to look at Castiel again. "There are a lot of things I could have said, in the past, about so many things."

Castiel remained silent, letting Dean speak, for this might be one of those moments he was deciding to open up. Castiel felt horrible about what he said last night, but now that Dean was reacting to it this way, maybe it was a good thing. Maybe.

"And the bed thing, Cas," he sighed. "I just needed to, uh, there's the bad dreams I've been having and, I don't know, I just needed to be close… to you. After everything, I just," he looked ahead again, water building in his eyes. Castiel rested his hand on Dean's shoulder and squeezed it a little.

He understood that this was very hard for Dean. He wondered what " _I just needed to be close to you"_  really meant. Friends could be close without  _snuggling in bed together._  There was more to this but as much as Castiel wished to ask Dean to elaborate, he also didn't want Dean to feel uncomfortable.

"I understand, Dean. I do."

They made eye contact and it burned through Castiel. Dean was a beautiful man and his sparkling green eyes seemed to have some kind of hypnotic quality to them. Castiel would often forget what was he was talking about or thinking about once Dean would look at him the way he was looking at him now. The sun was now shining on his face and it made Dean appear angelic. Castiel smiled at that last thought.

"Can you kind of keep it between us. For now? I just don't want Sam to tease me and-"

"Of course Dean and again, I apologize for last night. I was out of line. You and Sam didn't deserve those harsh words from me."

"But Crowley did," Dean said, now smiling.

"Yes, he did." Castiel laughed and soon they were both cracking up. Sam returned shortly after, out of breath and sweaty. He plopped down on his knees and grinned at them.

"Good, you two made up," he said, opening a bottle of water and practically pouring it down his throat.

Dean rolled his eyes. He and Sam shared a look and then Dean removed his t-shirt. "Swim?" Sam nodded and flashed a mischievous smile at Dean and then they both looked at Castiel.

"What?" Castiel studied Dean and Sam with squinted eyes.

Dean stood and smiled down at Castiel. "I do forgive you about last night but Sammy and I still need to get some payback."

Castiel swallowed. He was confused and a little worried. The next thing he knew, they were picking him up, Sam grabbing Castiel's ankles and Dean, his wrists. They carried him toward the ocean and that was when he realized what was about to happen.

"Guys, look… please, let's be reasonable here." The brothers laughed. Castiel continued, "It's gonna be cold… and, please, I can make it up to you. I can clean the bunker for a month, or two months, a year. GUYS!"

Sam and Dean swung Castiel back and forth, and yelled out "One!" and then swung him a second time, yelling, "Two!" and then on the third swing, they tossed Cas into an oncoming wave, chorusing, "Three!"

Castiel hit the water hard and yes, it was cold. Very cold. The wave consumed him but then his head popped up seconds later. He looked at the boys who were hollering with laughter and then he started laughing himself. This kind of revenge wasn't so bad.

He decided that two can play at that game. He broke into a fake panic and he spun around in the water, throwing his hands out. "Guys, help, I think my foot is stuck on something."

Sam and Dean stopped laughing. "What? Okay, hang on," Dean said as he and Sam inched closer to Castiel, "Here, grab my hand."

Dean and Sam leaned in and held out their hands for Castiel to grab. He took Dean's hand, and then Sam's, and he smirked. "Thanks." Castiel pulled them into the water and they were hit by a wave that completely drenched them.

"Son of a bitch, that's cold!" Dean shouted. He turned to Castiel. "You sneaky little…"

Dean jumped on Castiel's back, wrapping his arm across his shoulders. Castiel swung him around and submerged himself in the water, in an attempt to get Dean off of him. Dean's head popped up a moment later and he did the same thing to Sam, but because Sam was a lot taller, he flung Dean off of him like it was nothing. Castiel laughed and Dean looked at him, shaking the excess water from his hair.

"Oh that's funny is it?" Dean wore a pirate smile as he tread through the water toward Castiel and he was so slow and sluggish, due to him trying to walk under water, Castiel howled.

"I'm scared now, Dean. You might reach me, like next week."

It wasn't long before they were all fooling around in the ocean, tossing each other into oncoming waves, trying to push each other's heads under the water. They were laughing and shouting, and forgetting the world existed for a moment. They forgot about Rowena, the Darkness, the Mark of Cain, everything. For now, it was just them and this ocean, and a whole lot of laughs.

The rest of the day was spent on that beach. Crowley had come out a few times just to say something sarcastic or to make fun of them, then he'd go back to his hotel room to indulge in "booze and pay-per-view". His words. When the sun started to set, the boys headed back to their rooms to get cleaned up for dinner. Sam suggested a nice seafood restaurant a mile away, to which Dean make a joke about Sam being all fancy.

Castiel shed his swimming shorts and hopped in the shower. His skin felt hot,  _too_ hot and the water actually hurt. He carefully soaped his body and rinsed off, turning the water pressure down a bit as he did so. When he stepped out of the shower, he noticed his reflection in the full length mirror and his eyes grew wide. His face, chest, shoulders, and arms were bright red.

"What?"

Castiel immediately threw on a clean t shirt and  _ouch_ , the fabric hurt his skin as he pulled it over his torso. He threw on some jeans and sighed with relief that his legs weren't as bad. He ran out of his room and knocked on Dean's door. Dean opened it, wearing nothing but his jeans and he was toweling his wet hair.

"Holy shit, Cas," Dean said, eyeing Castiel from head to toe.

"Dean, I don't know what's happening. Maybe it's another spell, or the Darkness, or-"

Dean laughed and moved aside to let Castiel in. "Relax. It's just a sunburn."

"What?" Castiel walked inside and eyed Dean curiously.

"From the sun, I, uh, probably should have warned you about that. It happens." Dean headed over to the mini fridge that nestled in the corner of the room and he pulled out a small bottle of green liquid.

"This place has everything." He walked to Castiel and gestured for him to have a seat on the bed. "This is aloe vera, it'll help the burn."

Castiel waited to see what Dean was going to do with that gel. He tugged at Cas' shirt, telling him to remove it, so he did. Castiel was shivering now, as the burn was making him feel feverish. He didn't like this at all. He gasped and flinched when he felt Dean's hands moving across his back, spreading the cold gel.

"Oh, that's cold, Dean," Castiel said.

"I know, buddy, but it'll help. Trust me."

Dean positioned himself behind Castiel as he spread the gel all over his back and shoulders. Castiel steadied his breathing, letting himself enjoy the feeling. The gel was cold but Dean's hands felt so good on his skin. It was soothing the burn. It did make it better. Castiel closed his eyes as Dean ran his hands down his arms then back up to his shoulders. He shuddered when Dean's hands returned to his back and gently massaged the area where Cas' wings would be.

This was Dean. This is what he did. He took care of everyone.

"Turn," Dean said.

Castiel blinked out of his trance and spun around on the bed to face Dean. They made eye contact and Castiel swallowed nervously. Dean was so close to him,  _so close_ , and they were both shirtless. Castiel tried not to blush but his cheeks began to heat up. He thanked the burn for concealing it, though.

Dean squirted more gel into his palm and gently dabbed some on his cheeks. "Here, rub that in" Dean said. Castiel did.

Dean then slowly ran his hand across Castiel's chest. Cas just kept his eyes on Dean's and they stayed staring at each other for a few more seconds. Dean looked down as he was now spreading the gel over Castiel's abdomen.

Dean's fingers moved slowly and intimately, sending little bits of electricity through him. His hands were strong and a little rough, and it felt so good. Castiel's breathing became shallow. He had to place his hands down on the bed next to him to contain his excitement. Dean's hands were turning him into a pile of jelly.  _Dean's hands. Dean's scent. Dean's breath._ He closed his eyes now, trying desperately not to become aroused.

And then it happened. Castiel felt himself get hard so he quickly placed his hands on Dean's shoulders and slid off of the bed. "Th-thank you Dean. It feels much better now."

Dean watched him with a raised eyebrow. He shook his head, bounced to his feet, and handed Castiel the bottle of gel. "Take this back with you and apply it whenever you need to. If you need help with your back, let me know."

"Sure, Dean. Thank you." Castiel accepted the gel and turned to leave. He was slightly bent forward, trying to conceal any evidence of his erection that he prayed would go away.

"We're going to dinner in thirty," Dean said and he reached in his bag and pulled out a t-shirt. He slipped it over his head and then turned back to Castiel who was just standing there, staring.

"You okay, Cas?" Dean asked as he sat down on the bed, pulling the socks over his feet.

"Yes. Sorry, just out of it. Too much sun, perhaps."

Castiel left and when he got into his room, he let out a loud sigh. He didn't really understand what was happening to his body right now, but he couldn't seem to stop his erection from coming back. He tingled from the freshly applied aloe gel and all the parts Dean touched seemed to linger on his skin like tiny sparks of electricity.

He was hard,  _so hard_  and he didn't know what to do. He needed release and if he didn't do something about it, his balls would explode. Literally. So he sat on the bed, ready to dry hump again but then he thought of the fake Dean in that video, jerking them off and he had an idea.

He removed his jeans and pulled down his boxers. He laid back on the bed, carefully since his back was still pretty sore. His dick was throbbing now so he took it into his hand and moved like he saw in the video. At first he wasn't holding it tightly enough, then he was gripping it too tightly, but after a few more tries, it was just right.

He squirted some gel into his palm and spread it onto his shaft, moving down and up, imagining it was Dean's hand. Castiel watched the head slip in out of his closed first. In, out, up, down and it felt amazing. He was panting now, moving his hips a little, and he swore he said Dean's name a few times in a whisper, but he couldn't really remember doing so. His body flinched when his thumb slid over the tip and he did it a few more times, in awe at the sensitivity.

And he jerked and tugged and…

A thought came to him. His eyes were wide now as he went over the previous moment with Dean in his head. Dean was touching him.  _His_ skin. Rubbing gel on  _him_. The old Dean would never had come close to doing something like that. Not in a million years. But there he was, running his hands across Cas' back, shoulders, arms, chest… and stomach.

" _Holy crap. Dean wanted something to happen. He wanted me to get turned on. He had to. That was the only reason,"_  Castiel thought as he jerked harder and before he could stop and maybe visit Dean again and see what could actually happen, he was coming all over his stomach. He let out a small moan and squeezed the last of his juices out. He looked down and sighed. He'd have to take another shower. Then he'd need more gel…

After his shower, he applied the gel to his stomach himself rather than asking Dean to do so. Mainly for fear that it was a one time thing and he didn't want Dean to make some "gay angel" joke. He peered out the window and saw the guys heading toward Sam's car. Crowley was with them and Castiel frowned. He really didn't want him tagging along, but what choice did he have?

 

 

Sam drove them to that seafood place. It was a modest sized restaurant set on the beach, where the outside patio overlooked the ocean. Each table had a small lantern in the middle, giving off a soft glow. The smell of freshly cooked seafood filled the air, confirming Castiel's hunger. The waitress came to their table and set down a bowl of bread and butter, before taking their drink orders, and then handed them the menus. Castiel opened one, unsure what to order. He was still not used to this eating thing, so he glanced over at Dean, (who was sitting next to him) and leaned over.

"What should I order?" Castiel asked him.

Dean eyed his own menu and inhaled. "Go for the lobster. I think that's what I'm getting."

Castiel nodded and the when the waitress came over to take their order, Dean told her that, "He,  _and his friend here_ , will have the lobster."

Sam eyed them back and forth and then chuckled,ordering the salmon and Crowley requested the blackened tuna, telling them that, "Once you go black you never go back", to which Dean and Sam rolled their eyes and Castiel stared at him, clueless.

The waitress turned on her heel but then quickly glanced at Dean, winking at him. Castiel watched as Dean raised his eyebrows and he shook his head, taking another sip of his beer. Dean's eyes quickly shot at Castiel and when he noticed Cas was watching the whole thing, he flashed an awkward smile.

As they waited for their food, Crowley leaned in on his elbows, nursing a yellow drink adorned with an umbrella. "After this lovely dinner, I'm taking off."

Sam and Dean shared a look and then Sam spoke, "Why? I mean, your powers-"

"Honestly, I need to do more investigating and you lot are just lying back as if, I don't know, you didn't release  _hell on earth_?"

Crowley raised his voice during that last part but then in a lowered tone, he continued, "Just saying, boys, we're getting nowhere fast. I have some contacts that, well, assuming they're still alive, it might be good to  _contact_  them."

Dean nodded and sipped his beer. "Okay, but don't lose our number. Keep us posted," and then he reached for a piece of bread and began buttering it. He looked at Castiel and offered it to him. Castiel smiled and accepted it, trying to ignore the strange glares from Sam and Crowley.

"Uh, yeah, Crowley. Keep in touch." Sam said, stuttering on his words a bit.

The conversation ended when their food came and for the rest of their dinner, the topic of the Darkness didn't come up. Dean rambled on about fixing up Baby and how they should think about getting a grill for outside. Sam protested, saying it would draw too much unwanted attention, which caused Dean to pout.

 _He's just so adorable,_  Castiel thought.

The rest of the dinner went by rather quickly. The check came and Dean grabbed it, and he let out a soft sigh while looking down at the bill. Castiel peered over to notice that the waitress had left her phone number on the top. He was curious as to what Dean was going to do. The girl was very pretty and he assumed she'd be Dean's type. He'd probably never be back here so a one night stand would most likely be an option for him.

Instead, Dean paid the check, then threw out her number in the trash by the door. Castiel watched this with utmost curiosity and he made sure to make a mental note of it. Yes, Dean was changing. This time, it seemed for the better. Sure, he was still Dean, still the wise cracking, ne'er do well, but he's growing up.

The ride back to the hotel was quiet. Cas tried to forget all about the sunburn, but he started to feel his skin tingling again. He was tempted to ask Dean for another rub down, but decided against it and so he headed for his room. Before Cas went inside of his room, he glanced at Dean who was standing in front of his door, inserting the hotel key into the slot. Dean looked up and smiled at Castiel.

Castiel smiled back "Thanks for dinner, that lobster  _was_  delicious. Good choice."

Dean just gave a small nod and headed inside of his room. Castiel did the same. He stripped off his clothes and slid his body under the cool sheets. The sunburn still bothered him a little but he was overcome with sleepiness that he drifted pretty quickly.


	5. Chapter 5

A loud crash jolted Castiel out of his deep sleep. He looked around the room, confused as to whether he was dreaming or if he had actually heard something in his room. It was too dark to tell so he leaned over to the side of the bed and turned on the lamp. Nothing was there. He shook his head and reached for the lamp to turn it off when he heard it again.

He threw the covers off it him and slid out of bed, standing on his feet now with a focused stare around the room. It happened again, and again but he didn't see anything. Castiel looked around for his duffel where Dean had packed some weapons. His angel blade was already out and ready but it hit him that if he couldn't see whatever was in there, it must be a ghost.

Suddenly a low rumble filled the room and the painting on the wall began to shake and fall. He heard the lamp crash behind him but he kept his focus on what was now appearing in front of him. It was a tall and lean man with the palest skin Castiel had ever seen, so pale that blue veins seem to show through. He had haunting dark violet eyes, and jet black hair that seemed to go on forever. A faint smoke rose from his skin, almost like he was letting off steam. A dirty steam.

Castiel's eyes widened as he went into defense mode. This strange looking man tilted his head at Cas and then grabbed him so quickly, that Castiel dropped his blade. The man lifted Castiel up by the neck and tossed him across the room and into the wall. The impact was so severe, his body actually cracked the concrete. The wind had been knocked out of him and he gasped for air, when the man slowly walked over to him and lifted him again.

For a few long seconds, Castiel made eye contact with this thing and he was filled with a strange feeling of familiarity and he heard the frequency his power came from. Castiel immediately knew what it was. Just as he regained his breath, the man threw him again and Castiel's body slammed into the wall next to the bed.

Just then Sam and Dean busted through the door, guns raised. They saw Castiel and then both of them locked on to the creature. Their eyebrows raised and Dean shot one round into it, which didn't do anything. The man leapt towards Dean and in one gesture, he lifted Dean to his feet and threw him in Castiel's direction, causing Dean to crash hard into him.

Sam then tried to block the punch that came for him but his unsuccessful attempt caused the man to react with one blow, knocking him out. Dean called out for Sam and the man quickly turned his head in his direction. Castiel grabbed Dean's arm to stop him from getting up.

"Dean no. He's too strong," Castiel said, pulling Dean down next to him."

"What the hell is it?" Dean asked, not taking his eyes off of the thing.

"It's an angel," Castiel said.

Dean looked at him like he was crazy and then turned back to this strange angel as he moved his way over to him. Castiel reached for his blade and panicked when the angel kicked it further away. The menacing creature picked Dean up again, and began to choke him. Castiel crawled as quickly as he could to the blade but it felt like he was moving through molasses. A horrible pain shot through his back but he tried to ignore it. He glanced up at Dean, then ahead, then back at Dean again, and he sighed with relief when his hands wrapped around his weapon.

Castiel rose and rushed to the angel with his arm raised. The angel turned to Castiel and swatted him away like he was an insect. Castiel hit the floor hard and the realization that this angel would be far too difficult to kill gave him only one option. He began to cut his arm with the blade and once the blood flowed, he dipped his fingers into it, and ran them against the wall.

Sam came to, shook his head, and when he realized what was happening to Dean, he shakily leapt at the angel, in a desperate attempt to help him. While Sam tried in vain to deliver blow after blow, to free his brother from the angel's clutches, Castiel finished with the sigil. When it seemed like the angel was about to snap Dean's neck, Castiel slammed his hand hard against the wall. A blinding flash joined by a deafening roar filled the room and in a split second, the angel was gone.

Dean dropped to his knees and Sam bent down to catch his breathe. Castiel rushed to Dean's side and grabbed his shoulders, examining his face. Dean gave a nod and a cough and gave the thumbs up, indicating that he was fine. He scanned Sam and he mimicked Dean's thumb's up.

Then they all sat around on the floor in utter confusion.

"How exactly was  _that_  an angel?" Dean asked, shaking his head and trying to get to his feet. Sam shot a surprised look.

"Angel?"

Castiel helped the boys to their feet and he sat, slumped in the chair by the table, ignoring the fact that his face and arm were bleeding. The pain in his back was so excruciating, he winced and moaned, low enough so that the boys wouldn't be too alarmed. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his arm where he cut himself with the blade. With a creased brow, he turned to them.

"He  _was_  some kind of angel. He had grace but it was different than… it wasn't the same, but it was grace, nonetheless."

Dean sat in the chair next to Cas and rested his elbows on the table. "But he was all… there was this…"

"Darkness," Castiel said and they all looked at each other.

 

 

* * *

 

 

For a few moments, they were all tongue tied. This was something new. Was it just this one? Would there be more? Did the Darkness release some kind of twisted angels on earth? Or were these Cas' brethren, only corrupted by the Darkness? Castiel admitted that he was at a loss. He had no idea what this was or even  _how_  it came to be. They were warded so his only guess was that it had picked up on Crowley's energy, even though he was long gone by now.

It was decided that they leave the beach and head back to the bunker, making Dean pout and lament about never having a break. That was very true. They didn't and probably never would be able to enjoy the simple things in life.

They reached Lebanon by nightfall. Once inside the bunker, Dean threw his bags on the table and sat in one of the chairs, head in hands. This was a bummer. He wanted Dean to have a least a few more days in Galveston. After everything that had happened in the past year, he, well  _they_ all deserved more time to relax. Of course whether they really deserved a break was in question. They did release hell on earth, kill Death, all while a mad evil witch was on the loose.

But time was wasting and getting to the bottom of what the hell happened in that hotel room was pretty much their top priority now.

Castiel pulled out a chair and sat next to Dean. "He was very strong, Dean." Castiel said, referring to the angel who'd attacked them. Dean lifted his head and made eye contact with Cas.

"Yeah, no shit."

Castiel chuckled and then sighed. "He wasn't at full strength, though. I could tell."

Dean shook his head. "I'd hate to see what he's like  _fully_  charged."

"Either way, I hope my powers come back soon. Fighting without… well, I was at a total disadvantage." Castiel frowned.

"Join the club," Dean said with a smirk.

"I just mean, I could be more useful to you if I was at full strength."

Dean's face changed from burdened to shock. Castiel was right, though, wasn't he? Wouldn't he be more of an asset to the brothers if he had his angel powers back?

"Cas." Dean turned his body in the chair. "When you're in your badass angel mode, yes, you're very handy to have around but… it's not the only reason why Sam and I need you here."

Castiel tilted his head but remained silent. Dean continued, "You're important to us, to  _me_ , powered up or not."

This made Castiel smile. Really smile. Dean caught that and eyed him, questionably. "Is that a smile?"

"I guess. Maybe?" Castiel straightened in his chair and looked around for Sam, who apparently wasn't there. "There's also the shooting thing. Just so I don't always have to rely on my blade skills."

Dean nodded. "Yeah, we'll get on that as soon as possible. Sound good?"

Castiel agreed. Dean stood and mentioned a shower. He gave Cas one more small smile and remained there for a few more seconds facing him. He opened his mouth to speak, but instead of saying anything, he inhaled and then turned on his heels. When he left the room, Castiel sat there with Dean's words repeating in his head. " _You're important to us, to_ _ **me**_ "

It wasn't long before Castiel decided that he should get cleaned up as well. His back was aching terribly and he remembered that one of the bathrooms had a bathtub. He headed there and turned the knob, allowing the water to fill. He searched for some soap in the small cupboard under the sink and snatched one of the bars, stripped down, and when the tub was all nice and full, he stepped in.

The warm water covered him like a blanket and Castiel sighed as his body sunk deeper down. He tried to relax his back, wincing from the sharp pain but once he settled in, it faded and he breathed a sigh of relief.

He kept seeing those angel's eyes. There was something so ominous about them., so unfeeling, and he thought about Heaven. Some angels would have a similar stone cold look. Castiel often thought he had that same demeanor but he recalled being made fun of by other angels for his "almost human like emotions"

But this angel was far from heavenly. He oozed death and destruction, the pure evil in those steely eyes gave Castiel a shiver down his spine. The hair on his arms stood on end and he felt his body tremble, knowing, in his gut, that this was a bad sign of things to come. A wicked omen.

He was edgy, restless, and soon ended his bath and returned back to the bunker's library to see if he could find out any information about this type of angel. Sam was already there with his laptop open and he was scribbling down words on a small notepad. He looked up at Castiel as he entered.

"So, I'm searching for dark-side angels, it kind of reminds me of the sith, you know?"

Castiel nodded for that handy little knowledge zap, courtesy of Metatron, had given him a ton of Star Wars facts. "Yes, like the good side going bad."

"Yeah, exactly. What if these were once angels, like heavenly angels but they went bad somehow and the evil kind of transformed them. Over time."

Castiel sat down next to Sam and stroked his chin, thinking about it. It was possible, yes but why wouldn't have Castiel known about that? Lucifer was considered an enemy of Heaven, a fallen angel in it's truest form, but he never really changed his appearance. He always looked the same. It wasn't until he inhabited a vessel that couldn't contain him that he began to rot away.

But  _he_  didn't rot, his vessel did. This angel that appeared before them seemed in harmony with the grace and powers he had. In fact, Castiel wasn't even sure it was a vessel at all. He began to think this angel was in some kind of human form. The same act that Castiel had done down in hell.

He recalled how challenging it was to remain in that form, however. It was extremely draining and difficult, and he was only able to hold that form long enough to pull Dean out of the pit. The thing about it though, was that the wings are usually present, as it would be almost impossible to hide those as well. It was easier, much easier for an angel to conceal their wings while in a human vessel because the human body is not accustomed to having wings. But in angel form, whether true or in an alternate appearance, it was not possible.

So this left two burning questions; What exactly kind of angel was it, and why didn't Castiel know about it?

He filled Sam in on angel forms and vessels, for he thought it would help with the research. This gave Sam some ideas and he clicked away on his laptop with determination. Castiel scanned the bookshelf when he thought of the Book of Enoch again. He really didn't want to think about all those fallen angels who were severely punished for merely falling in love with a human, but maybe there was something in there about this species of angel that Castiel had overlooked before.

Just as he pulled it down from the shelf, Sam let out an "A-ha!" and Castiel turned to him. Sam smiled a little and wrote something down on his notepad. "Cas, have you ever heard of Belial?"

Castiel felt a strange sensation come over him at the sound of that word. He knew what it meant, of course, but there was also something about it which made Castiel feel unsteady. So much so that he dropped the book he had in his hands and he felt that if he didn't lean himself against the bookshelf, he'd fall.

How did he know what it was? There seemed to be some kind of gap in his brain.

"Cas?" Sam said as he moved toward Castiel. He grabbed his arm and helped him to a chair. Castiel looked up at him and nodded.

"Thank you, I'm not sure what just happened. It felt like… it felt like I was trying to stand on a boat."

"Yeah, uh, you gonna be okay?" Sam sat in the chair opposite him and leaned his elbows on his knees. He was concerned, wearing that usual distressed face Sam wore in such situations.

"I believe so, yes. That word, that name, it's another term for angels who have been rejected by God. But…" He paused and rubbed his forehead, as he felt a headache coming on. "I can't seem to place where it had been used before."

Sam sat back and grabbed his notepad. "Dead Sea Scrolls."

Castiel's eyes widened. How could he had forgotten that? Suddenly his stomach flipped and he remembered his conversation with Naomi. He had asked her, " _How— how many times have you torn into my head and washed it clean?"_  and her answer, " _Frankly? Too damn many."_

His eyes met Sam's and he was looking at Castiel again with concern. Castiel began, "What does it say?" He saw Sam's reaction and knew immediately that he was wondering why Castiel didn't know.

"Uh- it says that there was some war in Heaven against these Belial." He looked at Castiel waiting for him to recognize what he's talking about.

Instead Cas grabbed his head again and stood. It felt like electricity was shooting through his brain, burning each nerve ending. Sam's hand rested on his shoulder but he continued to walk out of the library. "I'm okay. I just need to lie down," Castiel told him.

What he needed to do was meditate and try to regain this knowledge that had been clearly wiped from his memory. But why, why erase something so important? Such a historic event as that, and Castiel couldn't even remember what God was actually fighting up there? Was this the Darkness? Could it possibly be? Or maybe these dark angels are something different altogether. Maybe they  _were_  the result of angels gone bad or something far worse.

When he reached his room, he laid down, and brought his fingers to his temple and squeezed. He tried to go over what he could remember of the Belial and the war. Were they the same, and was this the same battle against the Darkness? It was like he was reaching for something too high and out of his grasp, it strained him to even try.

"Dammit!" he said to himself.

He grew tired and decided to end his frustration at trying to remember, and he drifted off to sleep.

And then he was awoken by his bed moving. Again. He opened his eyes to see Dean sitting on the very edge of the bed, looking at him. Castiel turned over and blinked at his friend. He suddenly thought of the times he would do this to Dean and it caused a little flutter in his stomach. Now Dean was sitting on  _his_  bed watching  _him_  sleep.

"Dean? Is everything okay?"

Dean nodded and kept his gaze on Castiel. The angel sat up and went to turn on the light but Dean leaned over and touched his arm.

"Leave it off," he said, calmly.

This was a little confusing to Castiel. Okay,  _a lot_ confusing. He was hesitant to say anything more, for fear that Dean will assume Castiel was uncomfortable with him being there. Which he wasn't. At all. Just confused.

"I was just having a bad dream, and uh, just wanted to make sure you were okay," Dean finally said after a few minutes of odd stares.

"Yes, Dean. I'm fine." Castiel adjusted his legs to give Dean more room, should he need it.

"Sam said you kind of got dizzy."

"Oh that, well, that's just an inconvenient side effect of having my memory wiped over and over again. Nothing to worry about."

He watched Dean's brow crease. "What?"

He sighed and explained to Dean what Naomi had told him those years back and how many times he probably had his memories erased. He also explained how this was evidently why he was dizzy when they had first arrived at the bunker a few nights back. Whenever he would try to remember more about the war in Heaven, that happened, and it had Dean suddenly worried. He leaned in closer to Castiel and placed his hand on his shoulder.

For some reason this caused Castiel's heart to speed up. Surely there was no reason for it because Dean had touched him many times. Many, many times. And even recently, like with the aloe gel, on his back, his shoulders, his stomach… yes, Dean had touched him already, this should feel normal, like a friend patting another friend's shoulder.

But it didn't. Castiel was now flushed.

"I'm okay Dean. It passes. It always does."

"Wow, those guys up there are bigger dickbags than I thought," Dean hissed.

"I won't argue with that."

They shared a smile and Dean rose from the bed. "So, uh, I guess I'll be going to bed. Just wanted to check on you, you know, to make sure you were okay, or whatever."

Castiel knew Dean was scrambling. "Wait, Dean. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Right as rain" Dean said with his usual grin that told Castiel that he was so full of shit.

"Dean…"

"What?" Dean folded his arms.

"I know something's troubling you. Haven't you learned by now that I can tell these things? Especially in you?" Which was true.

Dean sighed. "Get some rest, Cas." And he turned to leave.

As usual, Castiel was left wondering what in the hell was going on. Even if Dean had been having nightmares, or had been finding it hard to get over everything that had happened, this wasn't like him. Castiel said to himself that he'd confront Dean tomorrow. He'd give him no chance to weasel out of a conversation. He was going to get some answers.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The following morning, the guys continued looking into this Belial and they tried to find any connection it would have to the Darkness. Castiel was amazed at how so much information had been lost over time. So many things that had occurred in Heaven had either been retold in a sugar coated way, or left out completely.

He wished Gabriel was around. He had gotten out before the angels took over. Castiel believed that Gabriel had probably never had his memory wiped so therefore would have a sea of knowledge,  _useful_  knowledge that could potentially help them understand the Darkness a little more.

Of course Death would have been best to get all of this from. He was the oldest and could have already told them how to defeat it or at least where to find God and well, that was not an option, obviously. Castiel still could not believe Death was actually  _dead_ , though. He had always thought it was impossible to kill him. Not that anyone had ever tried before, as far as Castiel knew.

Something else bothered Castiel about what had happened between Death and Dean. Why would he have entrusted Dean with his own scythe. Surely he should have know Dean's attachment to Sam was stronger than anything else on this planet. Wouldn't he have suspected that Dean would have had doubts about going through with it, and in turn, take Death out of the equation, because the threat of him killing Sam? Something wasn't adding up and Castiel had a strong feeling that what had taken place in the Mexican restaurant was going to come back and 'bite them all in the ass', as Dean would say.

Needless to say, the day was uneventful. Dean had given up by mid afternoon and turned to fixing up the Impala while Sam went out to buy some more food and things for the bunker. Castiel remained in the library reading over some of the notes Sam had left about the Dead Sea Scrolls. He wished he could remember it all. It felt like bits and pieces of it were floating around his brain like confetti. It suddenly hit him what he must do. He was going to try to contact Hannah.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day, Castiel waited to leave the bunker after Dean headed over to the garage to continue working on the Impala, and for Sam to leave on his normal jog. He wasn't sure if Hannah would even answer him and even if she did, he wasn't convinced that she would help. " _It couldn't hurt"_ , was all he told himself as he walked as far away from the bunker as he could, not wanting her to have an idea where the location of the Winchesters were. He would make sure of that.

There was a small park about a mile south that he figured would be a good spot. There were a few benches that lined a brick pathway, which opened up to a small area of cooking pits and tables. A older couple on the other side didn't seem to pay any attention to him so Castiel sat on a bench and began praying. He asked for Hannah to come and talk to him, and let her know that he needed help. He didn't mention the Winchesters, or the Darkness. He hoped she would just come down because he wanted to talk.

Soon after, Hannah appeared. She had chosen another vessel again, this time an older woman, probably in her late sixties with long silver hair and black rimmed glasses.

"Castiel." Her appearance was stoic, as to be expected.

"Hannah." Castiel studied her expression, trying to get an idea of her current feelings toward him. Was she angry? Would she try to drag him back to Heaven for punishment?

"What do you want, Castiel. I shouldn't even be talking to you."

"I know, Hannah. And thank you for coming." He paused and inhaled. "What do you know about the Darkness?"

She stared at him blankly. There was a certain coldness to her now, more so than he had ever seen. "Castiel, I can't be here. Do you understand that they want me to bring you back to Heaven and..." She turned away.

"Make me pay for my crimes? Hannah, we are all under extreme danger. This Darkness, it will destroy everything. Even Heaven."

"Well then you know about it, what do you need from me?"

Castiel moved closer to her, but she backed away. He stopped and lowered his head for a moment and then, when he met her gaze again, he saw how rigid she had actually become since last they spoke, since that night she refused to help him save Dean. When Castiel had realized that he would have to commit another crime against Heaven and take matters into his own hands. Since then, it was obvious that she had given herself wholly to Heaven, as she held that look of an obedient soldier. Castiel understood she wouldn't help him. Again.

"My memory has been wiped too many times, Hannah. I need to remember more about the battle against the Darkness. I know I knew it. I know they took that memory from me for a reason. Hannah, please. I need to know how to defeat it."

Hannah's expression changed, finally, as a fake smile crept up on her face.  "Nothing can be done about it, Castiel. Not without God. The archangels are all dead, as you know and we can do… nothing."

"Fine. Then at least give me my memories back, and my… powers. I will need them, Hannah."

"Why are you drained now?" she said as she crossed her arms, scanning him from head to toe.

"You cut me off from Heaven." Castiel felt a certain spark of anger rise up in him. He didn't want this to end in an argument. She was literally the last piece of hope he had in regaining anything useful in his brain, let alone the only angel left that would even talk to him. That didn't think he was an enemy. That didn't wish his death.

"But your powers will drain over time, Castiel. That doesn't explain why you are so low in your angel strength now."

"I, uh- there was a spell and then the Darkness came-"

"A spell? Castiel, what did you do? How-how was the Darkness released?" She was now flaring her nostrils.

"No, Hannah, the spell was done to me, by a witch, It's a long story. Do you know where the Darkness comes from?"

He suddenly realized that she couldn't have possibly known that the mark of Cain concealed the Darkness, for she would have surely told him about that when Dean had so foolishly cursed himself. So if she didn't know, who did? Why had this been a secret?

"No. I just know that God had fought it back and now it's here again, but I will find out how it was set upon the earth again and if you had anything to do with it Castiel, don't assume that our next meeting will be as pleasant."

Hannah vanisged and Castiel cringed. She  _would_ find out and she  _would_ come after him. She may be trying to hold off because of Metatron but this was far worse and a much bigger crime against Heaven.

When he had gotten back to the bunker, Sam was in the kitchen, preparing lunch. He turned to Castiel and smiled. Castiel returned the smile and headed to his room. He was still rattled and a feeling of helplessness hit him, knowing he may never get his memories back. It wasn't fair. He couldn't rely on angels anymore. He had to find God.

 

 

* * *

 

 

In his room, he sat and he tried to spark the memory of the great battle, only for it to cause the dizzy spell to return with Hannah's words repeating in his head. With all that was looming over them, Castiel really didn't want to worry about being Heaven's Most Wanted.  _Again._ His nerves were shot, and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to get out of this heavy mood he was in now. 

He knew what he needed right now.

He left his room and headed over to the garage where Dean was still working on his car. Being around Dean always reminded him that he didn't need Heaven and that everything he'd done for the Winchesters was all worth it. In fact, his Heaven was here with them and not up there, with angels that would rather see him be a hammer than what he had become. No matter how many insults they would throw at him, or how much they teased him for his love of humans, Castiel understood that this was always his calling.

And then his feelings for Dean had given the angels something else to taunt him about. He recalled even Balthazar poking fun here and there, though his words were more harmless than the others and he'd never meant to actually hurt Castiel. Suddenly he felt a pain thinking about him. He wished so many things could have turned out differently.

"Hey, Cas," Dean said as he lifted his head from the hood of the car. He was sweaty and greasy and when he wiped his forehead, he spread more black gook across it. Castiel smiled.

"Hi Dean. How's the car coming along?"

Castiel scanned the car. He hadn't seen it yet since before the whole ordeal. It was pretty bad, the entire front looked like it had been smashed, the driver's side door was completely off, the hood peeled back like a sardine can, and he didn't' see any front tires at all.

"Slowly." Dean exhaled. "But it's going okay. She'll be good as new soon."

Castiel stood next to Dean and looked down at the car with him. The hunter reached in the cooler, pulled two beers out and opened one for Cas, holding it out for him. 

_There goes to never drinking again._

"Here's to surviving yet another catastrophe," Dean said and he and Castiel clicked the tops of their bottles and drank some down.

Castiel chuckled. "Only to cause another one."

"Well yeah, that's how we do," Dean said playfully.

Castiel decided to wait to talk to Dean about seeing Hannah today. He was in such good spirits while working on his car that Cas didn't want to ruin the moment. Instead, he offered his assistance and for the rest of the day, Dean showed Cas a thing or two about car maintenance.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Evening rolled around and Sam had prepared a nice healthy meal for them. It was one of those really pleasant nights that was spent talking around the dinner table, longer than they had to. Dean reminisced about the apocalypse while Sam insisted he never bring it up again, and then Sam brought up Metatron and it was like that, the mood shifted and all eyes went on Castiel.

So much for that.

But then Dean changed the subject, almost immediately, as if he could tell how uncomfortable Castiel had become. He began, "So, Cas, tomorrow we teach you how to shoot. Sound good?"

Cas nodded. "Yes, I look forward to it."

They gave Castiel a brief low down on the different types of guns, what they're used for, and what they prefer and after another hour of chatting, Sam left to go to sleep, leaving Dean and Cas alone. Dean sat back and swung his arms up and rested the back of his head against his laced fingers.

"So what do you want to do?" Dean asked.

"Maybe I should be getting some sleep, as well." Castiel said, with a yawn, now realizing how tired he actually was.

Dean just smiled at him and excused himself from the table. Castiel watched him head over to the couch that occupied the room with the big television and plopped down on it, sprawling out and sighing. Castiel wanted to join him, he really did, but he walked to his room instead.

Part of him was still feeling a little awkward at how Dean had been acting toward him lately. Sure, he loved every minute of it, but at the same time, because this was so out of character, Castiel was a bit alarmed by it. He was sure Dean  _was_ Dean though. Not a shifter, or demon. Even with his dwindling power, he should be able to spot anything malevolent, or so he had hoped. He was human when April snagged him and he was so off the radar with that one. Okay, so maybe he wasn't all that sure he could spot it if Dean wasn't truly himself.

That being said, he should be able to tell through his feelings for the hunter. Surely when people love one another, they could sense when something was wrong. A look in their eyes, a gesture, something. So yes, maybe Dean wasn't himself, but he couldn't really say that it was wrong, just  _different._

Castiel thought about this as he drifted off to sleep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Cas."

Castiel heard his name as someone was shaking him. He opened his eyes to see Dean standing over his bed. Okay, this will be another night of Dean checking up on him, he guessed. The room was too dark for Cas to make out Dean's expression so he just asked, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I uh, well, uh… I was thinking," Dean sat on the edge of the bed and Castiel sprung up and leaned against the headboard.

"We should do something for Sam. I mean, his birthday was at the beginning of the month and we were so wrapped up in all the shit, I didn't really do much for him," he said.

Castiel blinked and yawned.  _He woke me up for this?_  "Sure, okay. What did you have in mind?"

Castiel could now see Dean more clearly. Dean smiled at him and rubbed his hands together. "Well, I was gonna bake him a cake, I know, I know, totally a chick thing to do, but I like cooking for him anyway, then maybe we could all go somewhere, I don't know, like a movie or whatever. Something low key, he doesn't like big things."

Dean waited with a giant grin for Castiel to respond.

Castiel nodded. "That sounds great. I can help... uh, with the cake if you want." He felt that was the least he could do, not that he had ever baked before. Ever.

"Awesome. We can go get some stuff tomorrow, maybe after I teach you to shoot."

"It's a date." And then it got really awkward. Dean raised his eyebrows and suddenly Castiel felt his entire body ignite."I mean…"

"I'm thinking, carrot cake. It's his favorite," Dean said, doing a great job at skipping past that one.

"Okay, carrot cake it is." Castiel cracked a nervous smile.

He stared at Dean for a few more seconds, waiting to see if there was anything else he wanted to say to him. Dean remained silent, so the angel spoke. "Is there something else?"

Dean looked around as rose to his feet. "Uh, no, that's it. See ya in the morning."

He turned to leave, Castiel couldn't help but notice that Dean really wanted to stay. There was something else on his mind and it was pretty obvious.

"Dean, wait." Castiel leaned forward. "Why don't you stay."

Dean shook his head. "Nah, I'm good, really."

"Dean…"

"It's just," Dean came back to the bed and sat, now giving in to his friend's invitation. "I was thinking about Sam's birthday and what a crappy place we were all in back then. I mean, it was barely a month ago but it feels like yesterday."

Castiel tried to think back as well, and all that came to mind was Claire and Amelia. Yeah, he didn't really want to think about that right now. Dean wasn't the only one who was having a tough time dealing with the painful consequences of bad decisions.

"You and I have some healing to do, Dean. It will take time, don't try to rush it." Castiel felt good about what he just said, putting himself there with Dean. They could do it together. Be the shoulder each of them needed.

Dean smiled a little and sighed. "Yeah."

More awkward silence came over them until finally Castiel asked again, because he knew that Dean wouldn't. "Do you want to stay tonight? In here?"

There was something about the way Castiel heard his own words that made that offer seem so much more sexual than intended. He had hoped Dean did not see it that way. Unless he wanted to. Unless...

"Yeah, I do. If that's okay."

Castiel was pretty surprised at that response, but he acted cool as a cucumber and pulled the blankets down on the left side of the bed. Dean scooted up and crawled under the blankets, resting his head on the pillow next to Cas.

"This is nice," he said, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling.

Castiel turned his head to Dean. "It is, and Dean," he waited for Dean to look at him before continuing. "You can sleep in here any time you need to."

Dean smiled.

"I  _am_  your angel, after all," Castiel added.

Dean's smile grew. Castiel  _was_  his angel and he was glad Dean could feel okay taking comfort in that. No matter what, he'd always be there for Dean. Whether it was to fight some evil, or be an ear for him, or to even help bake him a cake, Castiel's place is with his green eyed friend and he knew that it was eternal.

"Thanks, Cas." Dean turned to his side, facing Castiel. He slipped his hand under his pillow to support his head. "You're always there for me."

"Of course."

"Since Hell."

Castiel drew a breath. "Yes, since Hell."

Dean's eyes roamed before landing back onto Castiel's. His lips parted slightly and they eventually turned into a faint smile.

"Sam told me that the angel we saw may not have been in a vessel and could take human form. He said you were able to do that too, in Hell."

Ah, Dean must have a thousand questions about this. "Yes, that is true. I took a more human form because my true angel form would have been too immense to pull you out safely."

"So that's why the hand print was human?"

"Yes."

"Huh," Dean said as his eyes rolled up and he looked as though he was trying to picture it in his mind. "So that's pretty bad ass, don't you think?"

Castiel just smiled at Dean and he turned to his side. They were now facing each other and they were so close, it was as if they were sharing the same air to breathe. It was sending all sorts of feelings throughout his body, making certain parts tingle and heat up. He needed to start a conversation before the thoughts of that porno came back to his mind.

Too late.

And now he is looking at Dean's lips, imagining them doing things to him. Things like he saw in the video. Yes, he was imagining Dean's lips wrapped around him, sucking him, devouring him and Castiel was immediately hard. He swallowed and looked around, feeling the sweat bead up on his forehead. He searched for his glass of water on the bedside table to relieve him of his parched mouth, but he knocked it over in his clumsy attempt.

"Damn," Cas said. Dean raised his body a little and draped himself over Cas' torso to see what had just fallen on Castiel's side of the bed.

So, now Dean was pressing his upper body across Cas' stomach and groin and,  _oh god, he will probably feel that hard on._  He will feel it and be disgusted at Castiel for being such a pervert. He couldn't even lie in bed with his best friend without getting an erection?

But Dean didn't notice. Or if he did, he didn't say anything. Castiel sighed a breath of relief when Dean moved back to his side of the bed. He was chuckling at the fact that Cas was so clumsy all of the time.

"I'll- I'll be right back, gonna go get some water," Castiel said, sliding out of bed with his back turned to Dean so he wouldn't notice anything… unusual.

Castiel successfully left the room, got some water, chugged it down, then came back to the room once his erection faded. When he slipped back into bed, Dean let him settle in before draping an arm over him. Castiel lied frozen, unsure as to what to do. Should he put his arm over Dean as well? Should he turn over so they could spoon again like that first night?

He decided to just be natural.

"This is kinda a gay thing, isn't it?" Dean said, almost laughing.

"What? Lying in bed?"

"Yeah, like this," Dean lifted his head, eyeing his arm across Castiel. "I mean, I'm not, just so you know."

Castiel's cheeks burned. Oh, he knew. He was aware of Dean's appetite for women. Never once did it appear that Dean could be into a man, in a sexual way. Castiel knew. He knew but it didn't change the way he felt about Dean, regardless.

"Dean, you don't have to worry. I know this is just… a man and his angel finding some comfort in each other, right?"

Dean nodded. "Exactly."

"If it makes you feel better, I don't really care, you know, about gender."

Dean's eyebrows raised and he smiled slightly. "What do you mean?"

"Well, my vessel is male, yes, but angels, we aren't really any specific gender. Gay, straight, it doesn't mean anything to us."

"Ah, so the whole, 'gays will burn in hell' is just some scare tactic made up by some holier than thou dudes?"

"I can't really say but I can assure you that angels and  _God_  are indifferent to sexual orientation."

Dean sighed and frowned, playfully. "I thought so. I mean, who cares, right?"

"Right. Love is love."

Cas could feel his heart beating out of control and at those last words, Dean's face seem to soften and his eyes burned into him, scorching and hot, but so peaceful and calm. It was clear that Dean wanted to say something but was holding it in, so Cas smiled to give his friend a little push.

"Anna said angels can't love but…"

Cas rolled his eyes. So much Anna had thought about angels was wrong. Not all of them were cold statues who were incapable of feeling anything remotely human. Cas, for one, had to fight his emotional side, and after meeting Dean it had become an almost impossible task. She fell because she wanted to experience everything human and if she had just opened that part of her beforehand, she could have had it all.

"She was wrong, Dean. Even if we were… trained to control how we felt, we are very capable of love as humans love as well as other comforts like sex, have you met Balthazar and Gabriel?"

Dean guffawed. "Yeah, I hadn't thought about that."

He's surprised that this was the first time they talked about this. About love and angels. Then again, Dean gets really twitchy when that word is even uttered. Cas had understood this about Dean, how his father had raised him, how 'love' was never really something they discussed. You either felt it or you didn't, but one thing was clear, you never talked about it. Castiel wasn't sure if this was a healthy way to be brought up, or if this stinted Dean's emotional growth, somehow. 

They laid there in silence and it wasn't long before Castiel could hear Dean's heavy breathing. He wondered what brought up this strange conversation tonight about being gay. It was almost as if Dean was trying to convince himself more than trying to convince Castiel.

It was very early in the morning that Castiel thought he had heard his door open. He blinked his eyes into focus and could have sworn he saw his bedroom door open and then close, carefully as if whomever it was didn't want to wake him up. Castiel looked to his left and saw Dean asleep with his arm still laying across his chest. He shrugged it off and fell back into a slumber.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Castiel awoke, shocked to see Dean still in bed with him. _He had slept the entire night in my room_. Dean seemed to be waking up with a look of confusion on his face, and Cas was sure he forgot he had fallen asleep in Castiel's bed.

"Oh wow, didn't know I'd sleep through the night like that," Dean said as he scrambled out of bed.

Castiel just smiled and yawned. "Well, guess you needed it. How do you feel?"

Dean looked himself over, as if he needed some physical confirmation of good health. "Pretty good." He headed for the door. "Gonna hit the shower."

"Sounds good." Castiel followed Dean to the bathroom and chose the one next to his. His entire time in the shower was filled with thoughts of Dean. Could something really be happening between them, finally? Is this Dean's passive-aggressive way of letting Cas know he's interested in him? It was so hard to tell, for Castiel was very new to all of this. Yes, he was aware of Meg's attraction and he had to admit he'd been very attracted to her as well.

But this was Dean. This wasn't just some little flirtation or attraction. This was so much more.

After his shower, he followed the scent of food to the kitchen, where Sam was waiting for them with freshly made pancakes, bacon, and juice. He had a strange smirk on his face, but Castiel shrugged it off and began to eat. Yes, he loved the Winchesters' cooking very,  _very_  much.

Breakfast was an interesting event that morning. Dean ate as if he hadn't eaten in days, Sam kept smiling widely for them, giving funny expressions when they talked about their night, and Castiel just tried to figure out what that was all about. He could just have been being silly, as he likes to do, to tease Dean every now and then. Maybe he knew about the cake they had planned to bake for him. Maybe he had some hidden date he was too shy to talk about.

Whatever it was, Dean seemed oblivious, and as soon as they were done eating, the eldest Winchester raised to his feet and drank the rest of his coffee. "Let's shoot stuff."

 

 

The target room was on the other side of the bunker and by the time Castiel arrived there, Dean was already setting up the targets and loading the guns. He winked as he handed Castiel his ivory handled colt.

"Okay, it's loaded, so no pointing that thing at me," Dean joked as he grabbed Cas' wrists and turned his hands outward, so that the gun faced the targets and not him.

Castiel hands shook a bit but once he steadied them, he turned to Dean, awaiting instruction. "Okay."

"Aim for the target."

Despite having Dean this close to him, again, he focused and hit the target's shoulder. "Not bad." Dean raised his eyebrows. "Now aim for the head."

Castiel aimed, fired the gun and hit the target in the middle of the face. Dean cheered for him. "Wow, that's awesome."

Castiel felt a little proud of himself and stuck his chest out a bit more as he emptied the gun into the target, getting the head each time. Dean hollered and it made Castiel laugh. He didn't think he'd be so good with a gun - he'd always been a melee kind of fighter, unless he was using his powers, which he really didn't have now. Castiel was beginning to feel more helpful and if push came to shove, he didn't only have to rely on his blade. His feeling of uselessness was beginning to fade.

After a few more rounds, and after Dean felt like he could trust Castiel with a firearm, he suggested they go shopping for the cake ingredients. He drove them to a local market and Castiel helped him pick out the items off of the list they had found on the internet earlier. He had to laugh at the scene, because here was Dean and himself - hunter and angel - who stopped an apocalypse, spent a year in Purgatory, one of them released leviathan and led the angels to fall, and the other had killed Abaddon, Cain, ... and Death. Not to mention one of them helped release the Darkness, and they are now shopping for ingredients for a carrot cake, that they were going to bake, together, for Sam.

It was all a little unreal to Castiel, but it was great at the same time.

When they got back to the bunker, Sam had already left. A note sat on the kitchen table from him, saying he'd be back by six. It was only one o'clock so they had plenty of time. Dean grabbed his laptop and opened the web page with the recipe and he rested the laptop on the counter next to them.

"Okay, we need to shred the carrots," Dean said as he took the carrots out of the shopping bag and threw them into the sink to wash them.

Castiel leaned in and squinted as he read the rest of the recipe. He grabbed a big mixing bowl and looked around for something to measure with. "It says we need three cups of flour. Do you have something to-"

Castiel turned and Dean was already handing him a measuring cup. "Thanks." Castiel smiled.

As Dean shredded up the carrots, Castiel mixed all the other ingredients in the bowl. Flour, brown sugar, vanilla extract, walnuts, water, baking powder, and finally the shredded carrots. He mixed them together and lightly scratched his cheek with his wrist, not wanting to use his hands that were all dirty with the cake mixture. He looked at Dean who was smiling at him.

"You're a mess, Cas."

Dean lifted his hand and moved it to Cas' cheek and wiped the cake mix he had gotten on there somehow. For a moment, Dean's fingers lingered on his face and their eyes met. Castiel tried to focus on the mixing, but Dean's stare was so intense, it was causing his knees to shake a little.

"Uh, thanks. I'm full of cake mix, everywhere. I'm not very good at food preparation," Castiel explained, his voice a little shaky.

"You're awesome," Dean said, still holding that intense look that softened once he smiled. Castiel could only smile back, apparently speechless.

Dean bent down and grabbed a cake pan. "Pour it in here"

They put the cake in the oven and Dean hopped onto the counter, sitting with the laptop while his feet dangled. He looked down at Castiel who was sitting at the table. "There's like no good movies playing at all," Dean complained.

"Well, maybe Sam will want to do something else. What does he usually like to do?"

Dean bounced off of the counter and joined Castiel at the table. He placed the laptop down and leaned on an elbow. "He usually likes to just sit around, drink some booze, maybe rent a flick. He's low key that way. But… I say, we go to a bar!" Dean's face lit up.

"That is more what you want to do, not him," Castiel said in a fatherly tone. "We can do that for  _your_  birthday." He smiled.

"Yeah, yeah. Hey, when's your birthday, by the way?"

"My… well, I don't have one."

"Come on, you have to. When God created you, there had to be a date, right?"

Cas shook his head. "I'm not sure dates existed back then." Castiel smiled. "Time isn't the same there as it is here. So, I couldn't really say."

Dean stroked his chin and stared up at the ceiling, his eyes flickering. When he appeared as if he had reached some kind of revelation, he smiled at Cas. "September 18th."

That date was forever prominent in Cas' mind. "The day we met?"

"Yeah. Why not. We need to give you a birthday, Cas."

Castiel chuckled. He had never felt a need for celebrating the day he came to be as an angel, but if they would celebrate the day he brought Dean Winchester back to earth, well, he'd take it.

"Okay, September 18th it is."

"What's your favorite cake? And don't say Angel Food cake."

"I don't think I have ever tried… cake."

Dean slammed his hands down on the table, lightly and said, "Okay, then we make a bunch one day and you pick the best one."

They shared a smile and all Cas could see in his head was the two of them baking in the kitchen all day, flour everywhere, sticky sweet icing all over their faces and it filled him with such a warm feeling in his heart, that he wanted to run to the store and do it now. Dean was smiling at him, with an adorably satisfied grin that Castiel almost forgot they were there making a cake for Sam.

They chatted for the next half hour, about nothing particularly important. When the cake was done, Dean pulled it out and suggested they start on the frosting. Castiel went in the refrigerator and pulled out the cream cheese. He watched Dean do most of the work and once the cake cooled enough, they applied the frosting.

"Sam is gonna love this cake." Dean said, smiling wide.


	7. Chapter 7

Sam did love the cake. When he came home, Dean had surprised him with a steak dinner, he prepared himself with a little help from Castiel and then the cake followed. As predicted, Sam wanted to stay home and rent some movies. He sent Dean out to go pick up Star Trek Into Darkness since neither one had seen it yet.

When Dean left, Sam came into the kitchen where Cas was cleaning up the dishes. He leaned against the counter next to Cas and said, "So, wanna tell me why Dean was sleeping in your bed last night?"

Castiel almost dropped the plate. So, he  _wasn't_  imagining someone opening his bedroom door. He couldn't deny it then.

"Oh that, uh…" Castiel's eyes searched the room as he tried to think of something to say, but he figured the truth wasn't that weird and in fact, it was probably the only excuse he could give Sam.

"He'd been having these nightmares and he just needed someone to, uh, be near."

Sam grinned. "Nightmares? What is he, four?"

"Well, I guess you can never be too old for needing comfort from a bad dream," Castiel defended.

"Okay, but Cas, has Dean been kind of, I don't know,  _different?_ "

Castiel set the plate down into the sink and turned to Sam. Finally, he could discuss Dean without it being  _him_  that had to bring it up. "Yes. God, yes."

"Like, he's been really clingy to me lately and he's all emotional and sappy," Sam said. "Do you think it has something to do with all that's happened to him?"

They moved to the table so that they could sit. Castiel rested his elbows on the table and leaned forward, as if he didn't want Dean to hear them. Of course, Dean was still out grabbing the movie, but it was just habit.

"So he's been that way with you, too?"

Sam sighed. "Yeah, I mean, not sleeping in my bed or anything," He flashed a sly grin. "Just super sensitive."

Castiel stroked his chin and said, "Hum." He tilted his head and made eye contact with Sam. "It probably has a lot to do with the after effects of the mark. Perhaps after everything he's been through, he was just feeling more comfortable being, uh,  _sappy_ ," Castiel said, repeating Sam's word.

"Probably right. It just seems, I don't know-"

"Odd?"

Sam nodded. "I mean, would the old Dean be cuddling with you in bed or b-baking me a cake?"

Castiel shook his head but then a small smile crept on his face. "It's odd but not terrible."

Sam shared his smile. "True, but just in case." He handed Castiel a spray bottle. "It has cleaning fluid in it."

"Shall I use this on the table?" Castiel turned the bottle, inspecting it.

"No, on Dean. It has borax. I think we should just do the usual tests, you know?"

"Make sure it's really Dean."

Sam nodded.

"Don't you think if he was… something else, he would be far more sinister than baking and asking to cuddle?" Castiel added.

"Good point, but just in case." Sam eyed the bottle in Cas' hand.

Castiel understood. Just then, Dean walked in, holding a case of beer and a dvd. He placed the beer in the refrigerator, removing three bottles before doing so.

"Let's get this movie started," Dean said, grinning.

Sam and Castiel shared a look and they each rose and followed Dean. Sam whispered, "Just don't be too obvious. Watch how I do it." He grabbed a flask of holy water that had been sitting on one of the shelves in the kitchen.

They headed to the big couch and Dean popped in the dvd. As Sam walked around behind the couch, he pretended to trip, spilling the holy water he had put in a glass, on Dean. Dean lifted his arms and shouted, "Hey!, watch it." He had no adverse reaction to the holy water.

_Not a demon. Check._

"Sorry," said Sam.

He glanced at Castiel, who was still holding the spray bottle. He motioned for Castiel to wait so Castiel set the bottle on the floor and sat next to Dean. Sam sat on the other side of Dean, and gripped a silver blade, holding it close to his leg.

The movie started and Castiel had gotten so into it, he barely noticed that Sam had clumsily cut Dean's arm with the blade. Dean yelped and shot Sam an angry look. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

Sam put on his puppy dog face and said, "Oh crap, I didn't even know I left my blade on the couch. Sorry, Dean." Sam quickly glanced at Cas and raised his eyebrows.

Dean raised his arm, inspected it, and shrugged. It wasn't that bad, but just enough to tell them that he wasn't a shapeshifter.  _Check_.

Castiel knew it was his turn and he honestly had no idea how he was going to pull it off. He reached down and grabbed the spray bottle. He was going to be subtle. He'd somehow spray Dean and maybe he could be so sneaky about it, that Dean wouldn't even tell.

But then Dean looked at Castiel and his eyes fixated on the spray bottle. Dean opened his mouth to say something and then in a panic, Castiel lifted the bottle and sprayed Dean's other arm. Just like that. Not subtle. Not sneaky. Cas' eyes were wide when he looked at Sam who was rolling his.

Dean hit pause on the remote and stood, facing Cas and Sam. "What the hell is going on?" he asked, wiping his arm against his shirt.

Castiel and Sam looked at each other and then Sam spoke. "You've been kinda… different lately and we-"

"You guys thought I was a demon, or shifter, or a god damned leviathan? Really?" He turned to Castiel. "A  _leviathan,_  Cas?"

"Not exactly, we just wanted to make sure it was really you, just in case," Castiel said, now feeling like a complete idiot.

Of course this was Dean. How could he have doubted it for a second. Just because he was a bit more affectionate and coming into his room at night and… baking cakes, didn't mean it wasn't him.

"Wow. This is just… Wow." Dean walked away.

Sam and Cas turned to each other with raised eyebrows and in unison, they rose from the couch and went after Dean who was already in the kitchen, opening the refrigerator to grab another beer. One beer, just for himself. When he turned, Castiel and Sam were behind him.

"What? Wanna see if there're body parts in the fridge? Maybe some virgin blood for all those satanic rituals I'll be performing later?" Dean scoffed and walked past them, not even waiting for a response.

"Wait, Dean. Hang on," Sam said, reaching out and tugging Dean's shirt.

Dean sighed and flared his nostrils, eyeing Sam and Cas back and forth. With a nervous smile and said, "I'll be happy the day that you two stop fucking talking about me behind my back. After all that shit... "

He paused, inhaled and from what it appeared, he was trying to remain calm, despite how obviously upset he was. "If you want to know, just ask. Just fucking ask."

He kept his gaze on Castiel for that last part. He turned on his heels and walked out. Sam called out to him but Dean ignored him. They followed Dean back to the living room where Dean unpaused the movie and relaxed back down onto the couch.

Sam picked up the remote and hit pause, clearly determined not to to let this go.

"Fine. Why are you so sappy all of a sudden? And what's up with you sleeping with Cas, huh?" Sam said with his usual bitchface

Dean shot a surprised look at Castiel who was now spreading his arms in protest. "He walked in on us, I didn't say anything," said Castiel.

Dean rolled his eyes, set his beer down and lowered his head in his hands. Castiel remained standing while Sam sat next to his brother, leaning in. "Dean," Sam said in a softer tone. "We just want to know what's going on with you. That's all."

Dean mumbled something and then lifted his head. He turned to Sam and then to Castiel. "I spent the last two years with a God damned curse." To Sam, he said, "It screwed me up more than you will ever know."

Dean stood and continued, "When I was finally free from it, something happened to me. I...," he turned to Castiel. "I became aware of how closed off I was and, I don't know, I wanted to change that."

Castiel and Sam both sighed with relief. That was pretty much what Castiel had been suspecting, and he was really stupid for not just asking Dean, outright. Obviously Dean was okay to talk about it. Castiel had been so scared that if he had pointed out that Dean had been acting differently, Dean would deny it and shut him out, completely.

Dean finished, "The thing with you, Cas, is well, the nightmares have been real bad and I guess I just wanted to be sure that you were okay. Normally I would have just let it go but… so that's all. I'm still me, just trying to, uh, not take things for granted." He began to blush so Sam put his hand on Dean's shoulder, squeezing it.

"Sorry, Dean. We should have just come out and asked. I understand."

"Guys, after all the shit that happened, can we not conspire behind each other's backs anymore? Like I said,  _ask._ "

Castiel and Sam agreed and Dean forgave them. As he always did. Then he chuckled and made jokes about the leviathan idea.

"Cas, were you supposed to spray me without me noticing?"

Castiel nodded.

Sam and Dean both started to crack up. Castiel couldn't help but to smile and he joined them in the laughter. Dean threw his arm around Castiel's shoulder and it reminded Castiel of the time when they had to escape the goons at the brothel Dean had taken Castiel to, and it tickled Dean so much, he laughed all the way to the car with his arm around him.

"Remind me never to put you on stealth missions," Dean joked.

This made them all laugh even more and for the rest of the night, their spirits were high again, they finished the movie and all of the beer. Soon Sam was yawning and he thanked them both for the great dinner, cake, and movie. He headed to bed, glancing once at Castiel and giving him a strange look, to which Castiel couldn't interpret.

Dean sat back and stretched out, turning to Castiel and giving him an odd look as well. Castiel wished he could tell what some of these expressions meant. He had been around the brothers long enough, he should know their every look. It surprised him at times when he couldn't make out what in the hell they were silently trying to say.

"So," Dean tilted his head. "You heading to bed, too?"

Castiel did feel a bit tired. He was still getting used to the need for sleep and how important it was to get a full night's rest in order to be functional for the day ahead. Of course his nights had been interrupted with Dean joining him in his bed and then Castiel would find it almost impossible to fall back to sleep. What, with Dean laying right next to him the way that he did, his arm draped over his body, and holding him as if Cas was his personal security blanket.

Not that he minded, of course.

He should ask Dean to just come to bed with him now, this way he wouldn't get woken up in the middle of the night. That idea seemed best, seeing as how this would, one; alleviate Dean's awkward attempts at asking him in the first place, and two; it would help Cas get a better night's sleep.

"Why don't you come to my room with me. Maybe we could talk for a while and eventually sleep."

Dean raised his eyebrows and let out a nervous sigh. "Yeah, okay."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel was pretty much finished with beating around the bush now. He wasn't exactly the most experienced with this level of closeness that was developing with Dean but he had decided that after what Dean had told them tonight, Castiel was going to just say what he felt, when he felt it. Hopefully that would ease Dean a bit more into doing the same.

For Castiel was fully aware that the reasons he was coming into Castiel's room at night weren't only because of the nightmares.

They slid under the covers and Castiel didn't notice that Dean had brought the laptop with him. He gave Castiel a mischievous smile and then flipped it open. Castiel eyed Dean, curiously, and then he placed his pillow behind his back and sat up as Dean did the same.

"So, I saw this the other day and  _had_  to show you." Dean clicked on a website and it opened up to drawings and graphic art. Castiel's eyes widened when he noticed the title. "Destiel Fan Art" and he smiled at Dean.

"People made these?" Castiel asked, leaning in closer and squinting.

"Yup. Gotta say, some of these are pretty nice, huh?" Dean scrolled down the page. "I mean, I heard of fans doing stuff like this, you know, from the books but I never saw us, you and I, and well, it's kinda cool."

"It doesn't bother you?"

Dean sighed. "It did at first. Now, I don't know, it's okay."

Castiel took control of the mousepad and began scrolling further down. He noticed there were different categories, separated by little angel wing icons.  _Fluff. AU. Bottom!Dean?_ That one sparked curiosity so he clicked it, despite Dean telling him, "Uh wait…"

There were dozens of drawings, paintings, beautifully detailed pencil sketchings, all of Dean getting fucked by Castiel, in many different positions and surroundings. They didn't really look like them, but the basic characteristics where there, obviously taken from the books. Castiel put his hand over his mouth and laughed.

"Holy crap," he said from behind his palm.

"Yeah, apparently people like to see me, uh, bottom for you." Dean started to laugh himself.

"Bottom means…" Castiel couldn't take his eyes off of a drawing of Dean pulling Castiel by his blue tie as Castiel was positioned between his legs.

"That." Dean pointed to a sketch of himself bent over the Impala as Castiel rode his ass.

Castiel couldn't help but be turned on from this. He had imagined himself and Dean against that car so many times. The thought of it had made him light headed, as it was doing right now. Lightheaded and  _oh so hard_.

"That, uh, is okay to you?" Castiel's heart sped up and he started to suspect that there was an ulterior motive to Dean showing him this. Just like that day in the hotel with the aloe gel. Dean was trying to turn him on. He just knew it.

"Well, I never  _tried_  it, Cas." Dean side smiled.

 _Would you like to?_  Was what Castiel wanted to ask him. Instead he said, "Looks painful," and now he wished he hadn't said that.

Dean just laughed and closed the laptop. He fluffed his pillow and fell back. Castiel laid back as well, trying really hard to ignore the raging hard on he now had. 

 _Thanks Dean._  

Castiel turned to his side, facing his friend, because he was sure his erection would be noticeable if he'd remained on his back. Dean did the same and he stared at Castiel as he tried to find a comfortable arrangement for his arms and head.

Castiel wanted to stick to his guns about being as open and honest now with Dean, but he had found it almost impossible to ask Dean why he had really shown him that website. This wasn't about his nightmares or making sure Castiel was okay. This was obviously Dean trying to get a reaction out of him.

So Castiel did something he might soon regret. He reached out and lightly touched Dean's cheek with his fingers, and then he slowly caressed his jaw. Dean just stared at him in silence and he didn't flinch. He just laid there in complete and utter calm.

Castiel swallowed. "What did you mean when you talked to that priest?" Castiel wasn't even aware that those words would be the next thing that would have come out of his mouth. It was like he was on autopilot.

Dean eyes widened, his face twisted, and his eyebrows furrowed. "Huh?"

Castiel had been on his way to investigate a crime scene that day when he'd been stopped in his tracks. He had heard Dean, loud and clear, as he often did, but this was him confessing something. He wasn't just longing to see Castiel. No. He was admitting, to a stranger, that he wanted to experience  _something_ … and when Castiel realized he was hearing it because it was  _himself_ that Dean was referring to, he couldn't even think straight for the rest of the day. Or week.

He was going to ask Dean about it, but often he choked up before he could. The next time he would meet Dean face to face since hearing that confession was when Charlie was around and Dean had come home with pizza and beer. Castiel recalled feeling awkward and shy and he cursed himself for not being able to control his blushing.

That night was a good time, Charlie with her fortune telling device, informing Castiel that his best friend had a crush on him… and of course Castiel wanted to just leave right then and there. Dean didn't get it. Or maybe he did, but he just laughed at him. That was a good night, regardless of Castiel's sheer awkwardness. He remembered them taking a picture of all of them together. He would have to ask Sam and Dean where that picture ended up.

Castiel said, "I heard you."

Dean snapped his head back and studied Castiel's eyes. "H-how?"

"When you long for me, no matter the reasons, I can hear you and every word that follows. Like praying."

Dean sighed and put his hand over his eyes. Was he blushing now, too? Castiel couldn't tell due to the low light the lamp gave off. "Shit. Well. Uh."

Castiel felt like he was on a roll. He felt braver now. More blunt and direct. This was like an open window of opportunity that would no doubt be slammed shut if he didn't act now. "Dean. You're not coming here at night because of the nightmares, are you?"

"Wh-what? What do you mean?" Dean flustered and he shifted, as if trying to get out of the bed, but Castiel grabbed his arm and stopped him.

"It's okay, Dean. Really."

Dean settled back down and drew in a sharp breath. "It's hard to explain, Cas. Can we just leave it at that, for now?"

 _Of course, Dean_ , he thought. Castiel wasn't sure what was coming over him, but he suddenly had the urge to touch Dean. To touch him and see what Dean would do. Not just his face, but his body. Everywhere. Just to… see what Dean would do. That's all. Just to see.

He slid closer to Dean and the hunter pulled his head back a little, obviously confused as to what Castiel was doing. Castiel ignored Dean's shocked expression and he lifted his hand and moved it underneath the blanket and toward Dean. He rested it on the hunter's waist and it caused him to jump. Castiel didn't let up and moved his hand up his body, sliding it underneath Dean's shirt. His skin was so soft and warm yet his muscles were hard and toned under Castiel's touch, it sent shockwaves through him.

"Cas..," Dean whispered.

"Yes, Dean?" Castiel said, just as soft as Dean's whisper.

He moved his body even closer and he felt his legs touching Dean's. He realized that he was just letting his body do what it wanted, what came naturally. It was like this magnetic pull urging him to be as close to Dean as he could possibly be. To breath him in. Consume him. Castiel wasn't sure he'd ever felt it this hard before.

"What are you doing?" Dean asked him, again in that deep, raspy tone that gave Castiel butterflies in his stomach.

"Making my move," Castiel said, honestly.

"Why?"

"Because you wouldn't."

Dean's eyes grew wide. He was trembling now under Castiel's hand and when Dean closed his eyes, the angel knew he had given in to it. This was what Dean wanted. This was what Castiel wanted. Why had it taken them this long to figure that out?

Feeling braver now, Castiel moved his hand across Dean's side and used the back of his hands to caress his stomach. Dean breathed out a heavy sigh as Castiel moved his hand lower, now toying with the hem of Dean's sweat pants. Dean opened his eyes and met Castiel's.

"Wh-what makes you th-think I want this?" Dean stuttered in between short breaths.

It was almost humorous to hear Dean struggling with this.

"Don't you?" Castiel said in his usual way where his face was too close to Dean's.

He could feel Dean's breath against his lips and it was actually Dean who made the first move by pressing his mouth to Cas'. Castiel was stunned at first and he kept his eyes open for a few seconds, and then he kissed Dean back with the same hunger.

Stars exploded behind his closed lids. Well not just stars, but tiny little bursts of light that Castiel recognized now as electricity. His grace was reacting to Dean's kiss. It was amazing, really. This had never happened to him before.

Not with Meg or Hannah and they had been the only people he'd locked lips with while being an angel. Castiel had to almost laugh at the fact that he was so old and the only people he'd been with on a physical level was Meg, Hannah, and April. And now Dean.

And as long as Castiel had existed, he'd never been so wrapped up in someone's essence like this. Dean had put an imaginary spell on him and he'd known that the very moment he laid eyes on him. Castiel watched mountains form. He saw oceans create new continents. He witnessed life begin and end in the ever looping cycle. But nothing was ever as beautiful as Dean.

And nothing could compare to the wonderment of feeling Dean's lips on his. Dean's final surrender to his feelings was not only monumental, but a welcoming relief. After years of imagining what it would feel like to lock lips with the older Winchester, it was happening now and yet Castiel's mind still couldn't wrap around the fact that it was Dean who kissed him first.

Dean's tongue licked Castiel's lips and covered him with heated kisses. He tasted like sugar and a hint of beer and it was driving Castiel insane. Castiel was now moving his hand under the waistband of Dean's sweats and he teased him a little, lightly caressing his hair down there, but not touching more and the heat emanating off of Dean was setting Castiel's heart on fire.

Dean moaned in Castiel's mouth when he finally let his palm move across Dean's erection. Castiel was a little taken aback at the length and girth.  _Dean Winchester was blessed in many ways_ , Castiel thought. Dean gasped and pulled away.

"Cas, what…"

Castiel began to stroke him.

"Fuck Cas, what are you doing now?" Dean managed to get those words out before gasping for air.

"Do you want me to stop?" Castiel said with a raised eyebrow, while moving up and down Dean's length, feeling him harden even more in his grasp.

Castiel knew the game now. He knew Dean better than anyone else. Dean would pretend this is all beyond his control but in reality, he wanted it. He wanted Cas' hands on him, as his rock hard erection was obviously indicating.

"N-no," Dean said and met Castiel's lips again.

He heard Dean trying to say more but he was so winded, Castiel couldn't understand one word. So Castiel just continued to stroke him and soon Dean began pushing his hips against Castiel's hand. Castiel was so turned on, he thought he might shoot his load in his pants without even touching himself. Dean was so raw right now and hungry for him, and it sent Castiel into a sort of daze.

Dean took Castiel's head in his hands and kissed him harder, only breaking away to catch his breath. That sketch came to Castiel's mind and while he was sure Dean wasn't ready for  _that_  kind of sex with Castiel, he remembered that Dean didn't seem at all bothered by the idea of 'being controlled' so Castiel had an idea.

The angel drew in a deep breath and rolled Dean over onto his back, remaining partly on top of him. Dean broke away from their kiss and furrowed his brow. Castiel stared deeply into his eyes and waited to see if Dean was going to throw him off of him or not. Dean just pulled Castiel closer and kissed him with such desire, Castiel had felt all the air escape him.

Their bodies were pressed together now and Castiel positioned himself in between Dean's legs, letting his hard on rub against Dean's. It was so overwhelming, that Castiel had to let his mind go, because if he didn't, he might faint from this experience. It was too much to even comprehend.

Here was Castiel, lying on top of Dean Winchester, kissing him, caressing him, rubbing and touching, not to mention the intoxicating scent of Dean everywhere was making Castiel want to devour him.

Castiel broke away from Dean's lips and moved to his chin, then to his neck. He nibbled and kissed and ran his tongue against Dean's throat, causing Dean to let out this deep moan, and it caused Castiel's to throb.

His mouth moved lower and his hands slid under Dean's shirt, slowly lifting it off of him. Dean watched Castiel curiously as he kissed his skin, even further down, focusing on Dean's chest, then his stomach, taking little nibbles, tasting his deliciously hot and salty skin. Castiel inhaled, practically smothered by Dean's natural scent mixed with the fresh smell of soap. Oh Dean tasted so good. So tantalizingly good.

Castiel kissed and nibbled his way down to the waistband of Dean's pants and he reached and pulled at them. He made eye contact with Dean, waiting for approval. When Dean nodded, Castiel continued to remove his pants and then his underwear. Castiel stared down at Dean and was struck at how perfect it was. Straight out of a chiseled sculpture. Perfectly sized and it matched Dean's body type well.

And it tasted just as great. Castiel's tongue licked the bottom to the top of the shaft, while holding it in place with his hand. He heard Dean's rapid panting and it was enticing him to continue. He was ready to take him into his mouth when Dean put his hand on Castiel's shoulder, stopping him from going any further.

"Cas, wait."

Castiel would never force Dean to do anything he didn't want to do. He would never take advantage of their friendship and have him succumb to Castiel's sexual desires, if he didn't really want it, but something in the angel knew that Dean  _did_  want this. He wanted it but struggled with the concept of actually being with another man. That was how Castiel saw it, anyway.

Dean steadied his breathing. "Have you ever done this before?"

Castiel smiled at the hunter and shrugged. "No." He ran his tongue across the tip and started circling it, making Dean's entire body jerk.

"Oh God, Cas. Fuck."

Then Castiel felt his friend's hands in his hair, massaging and pulling gently at the dark trestles. Castiel took this as his cue to take Dean into his mouth. He tried to recall the video and mimic what he had seen, as he really  _had never_  done this before. Yet something about it felt natural. It was if he knew exactly how to pleasure Dean, without even having to think about it.

And that realization hit Castiel again as he sucked Dean harder and faster, that here he was, Castiel, giving Dean Winchester a blow job. He suddenly saw the moment they had met in his mind, (and he tried not to compare it to the porn, of course.) Never would he have imagined that seven years later, he'd be tasting Dean's savory and enticing flesh.

He was delicious in his mouth. Truly delicious.

Dean's moans increased and his breathing started becoming erratic. Between his thrusts and pants, he was trying to talk but he choked. Castiel felt Dean's fingers tighten around his hair so he picked up the pace, trying to get as much of Dean as he could in his mouth.

"Ca-Cas. Cas… I'm-I'm gonna…"

Castiel felt Dean pull back a little, trying to move so that he could be free from Castiel's mouth, but Castiel held him down and continued to suck, drawing in his cheeks and moving his tongue around. Dean's legs stiffened under Castiel's arms and he moaned louder, cursing, " _ah fuck" and "shit, Cas."_

Then Dean let out an almost painful sounding hiss, and Castiel felt the warm liquid fill his mouth. It spurted against his tongue and the roof of his mouth and all Castiel could do is drink him in until he felt Dean stop twitching.

Dean's body relaxed under him and he said, "Cas, man, I'm so sorry."

Castiel slid up Dean's body and met his eyes. "For what?"

"I tried to pull out before I… ya know, in your mouth…"

Castiel chuckled. "Why? I wanted it all. Isn't that the point?"

Castiel was now smiling at Dean and Dean hinted at one himself. Castiel couldn't imagine bringing Dean to orgasm in his mouth and not drinking every ounce.

"I guess."

Castiel kissed Dean hard, and he didn't care if Dean was probably tasting himself on Castiel's lips. He just needed to be kissing Dean every chance he had. Dean ran his hands through Castiel's hair, grabbing the back of his head. He moved, turning them around in the bed, so that Castiel was on his back.

Dean had this almost feral reaction now, and he ran his hands all over Castiel's body, settling down on his dick. Castiel flinched, utterly surprised at the touch but he remained cool and continued kissing his friend. Castiel felt Dean's hand now slipping under his pants, then his boxers, then...  _oh, God…_

Castiel's eyes snapped open as Dean started to stroke him. He became dizzy just trying to piece together all that was taking place and what had just taken place a few minutes ago. He could still taste the tangy and salty flavor of Dean's juices and it was making him wish he could suck him all day.

And Dean was hungry when he kissed Castiel, stroking him, nibbling at his lips, licking his tongue. Castiel wasn't going to last. He was about to come when Dean suddenly stopped and looked down at Castiel's erection, studying it, and Castiel was a little confused by this action. He was so hard and sensitive and he needed release and then his eyes grew wide when Dean lowered his head and took Castiel into his mouth.

"Oh my… God." Castiel cried out, pretty loudly too. He winced, remembering that Sam was right next to them in the other room.

But Dean now moved up and down, and Castiel watched himself disappear into his friend's mouth, then reappear, glistening and wet. Dean kept his eyes locked on Castiel as he sucked him and Castiel was so red and he wished he wasn't staring, but Dean wouldn't break eye contact.

His best friend,  _his_  Dean Winchester, rough around the edges and always with the devil may care attitude. The same Dean who'd rip a demon to shreds with his bare hands, was now so delicate and tender, so loving and sweet, Castiel was finding it hard to even feel worthy of such affection.

Castiel felt his throbbing erection spasm and he was coming so hard, he thought he would never stop.

He pumped into Dean's mouth, all while Dean just stared at him and there was something so beautifully intimate about this moment. Castiel felt so safe and warm under his hunter. This was what they should have done years ago. Like they were meant to be this way, always.

And there was nothing strange about it.

Dean hovered over Castiel and kissed him a few more times before collapsing on his back, letting out a loud sigh. "Holy shit."

Castiel smiled and turned on his side, still trying to come down from that incredible orgasm high. "So, uh, have  _you_  ever done  _that_ before?"

Dean grinned, turning to meet Castiel's gaze. "No."

"It was like, somehow I knew exactly-"

"What to do," Dean interrupted.

"Yeah," Castiel hummed.

Castiel was a little thrown when Dean rested his head on his chest. Castiel maneuvered his arm behind Dean's neck and brought him in closer, holding him snug against his body. There was nothing indicating that Dean was regretful or ashamed at what just happened between them. He buried his face in Dean's hair and inhaled, drinking in Dean's scent, and giving him a small kiss on the top of his head. This was magical, intense, and so beautiful, Castiel actually had tears in his eyes.

He never saw this day coming. As much as he wanted Dean, he had always wrote it off as a lost cause. Dean would never feel the same. He would never want to be any more than just a friend. Now here they were, snuggling in bed after having the most intimate experience two people could have together. There was a quiet understanding, this silent agreement between them now that it was okay to feel this way. It was okay for them to want this and to act on it.

It was love, after all.


	8. Chapter 8

Castiel awoke before Dean but he couldn't bring himself to leave the bed. He rolled over onto his side and stared at his sleeping friend. The impact at what they shared the night before hit him.  _Did it really happen?_  The fact Dean was still here, in his bed, proved to Castiel that it really had happened. It wasn't a dream. It was real. Dean was really here and sleeping so peacefully next to him.

He studied his face and the memories came flooding back. He remembered the look of utter disbelief when Castiel told him who he was. Who he  _really_  was. Dean, with his lack of faith and understanding back then. Dean, with his confusion as to why anyone would ever want to save him.

Castiel smiled, seeing how far his green eyed hunter had come. He was once a man who didn't believe in God or angels, or even the devil for that matter, and now, well, he was in bed with an angel. A former angel of the lord.

Former.

Castiel cringed a little when he thought about Metatron's words. " _You're not an angel of the lord, so what are you?"_  Castiel wasn't even sure how to answer that. But then it all came together in his head like pieces of a puzzle finding their fit. He was the Winchester's guardian. That was what he was made for. That was his purpose and that was what he shall remain to be.

And furthermore, he was Dean's special angel.

Dean.  _Dean Winchester was here._  Castiel lightly stroked his messy hair, the softness felt like feathers against his skin. He examined his forehead, his nose, his lips, his chin, his cheeks. Castiel loved this man.

This was the Dean he rebelled for, stopped the apocalypse with, who found him in Purgatory, who snapped Castiel back into reality during Naomi's mind control, who had never given up on him. Who had fought for him and had loved him. A slight feeling of regret came over Castiel when he remembered the times he ignored Dean's prayers, or when he would just fly away without saying a word more.

Castiel had been very awkward back then, his people skills were pretty much non existent. He had so many feelings hitting him all at once when it came to Dean and he had zero understanding of any of them, or how to even process it. He remembered Anna kissing Dean and Castiel thinking, " _Oh, I should have done that"_ , without any comprehension as to what it had meant. It wasn't until Anna placed her hand on Castiel's, that day in the warehouse when Uriel and himself had brought Dean in to torture Alistair, that Castiel saw what had really happened between her and Dean.

And for the first time, in his entire existence, Castiel was jealous.

When she touched him, visions of her and Dean in that car, writhing around naked, sent Castiel into such a rage, he had lost all logic at that point. She violated Dean.  _His_ Dean. The man  _he_  pulled out of hell. The man  _he_  had the profound bond with, not her. Not her. Castiel had thought he despised her for falling, and yes, he did find that utterly stupid back then, but it was her closeness with Dean that sent Castiel over the edge.

He had realized, much later that her falling made so much more sense to Castiel. While he found it hard to get over his jealousy, he understood why she fell. Humanity was, well, so much better than Heaven. Anna may have been lost to the reality of what an angel was, but her ignorance led her to seek the feeling she could have reached for any time she wanted. Looking over at Dean who was now blinking his eyes open, Castiel was even more convinced that being down here was the best and most rewarding experience anybody could ever have, angel or not.

"Hey," Dean said, his voice low and cracking. His eyes were heavy as he tried to open them. He gave Castiel a tiny smile that turned into a yawn.

"Hey," Castiel replied.

Dean rolled over and kissed Castiel on the cheek, causing the angel to beam. "What time is it?"

Castiel glanced at the small clock next to his side of the bed. "Nine."

Dean pulled his own pillow from under his head and placed it over his face and moaned. Castiel leaned over, pulled the pillow away, and kissed him. Dean smiled as he kissed him back, with one hand holding the back of Castiel's head.

The light, sweet kisses grew more passionate and soon Castiel was moving over Dean's body, pressing against him and making him hard again. Dean groaned and he grabbed Castiel, pulling his hips down, grinding hard against him. Castiel was thankful they had slept naked.

The bed started creaking as Castiel moved faster, throbbing against Dean, feeling high from the friction, as this was much better than dry humping the mattress. He almost giggled thinking about it, but he let the thought leave his mind and he focused on the hot, moaning man that was underneath him.

Castiel pulled back to take a breath and then he started kissing Dean's neck, nibbling gently at the warm, moist flesh. Dean was now breathing heavy and letting out small hissing sounds. This was amazing for him, completely and utterly amazing and the way he moved and moaned and said Castiel's name over and over again made the angel's head swim.

"Cas. Oh God, Cas," Dean whispered, hoarsely.

Cas could feel Dean become even more stiff against him so he lifted his body off of Dean a little and he brought both of them into his hand. Dean opened his eyes and looked down at Castiel and he raised his eyebrows. Castiel began stroking them together, pressed against each other in his fist. Dean let out an even louder sob and threw his head back.

"Fuck, Cas."

He made sure the heads touched as Cas moved harder and faster. Dean began to pant heavier now, and he bucked his hips up, and with a breathy "Ahhh" Dean was coming onto his own stomach and some of it had just dripped onto Castiel's own tip. Castiel spread the white liquid, and he jerked faster, sliding easier. A few moments later, he came.

He looked down at the mess they made and then he brought his hand up and examined it, staring at their mixed juices and it sent a wave of excitement through Castiel. Dean lifted his head and met Castiel's eyes and smiled.

"Good morning," and he sat up and grabbed Castiel by the shoulders, pulling him back down on top of him and he just held him tightly in his arms. Castiel let his head fall between Dean's shoulder and neck and he closed his eyes.

 _Dean was a very affectionate lover,_  he thought as he lay in Dean's arms, feeling the small kisses on the top of his head. He wished they could stay this way forever. He didn't want to think about the Darkness, or that twisted angel, or finding God, or Gabriel. He just wanted to stay with Dean, all day and night and do this. Or maybe go somewhere together. Or cook together again. Or anything... really, as long as it was with Dean.

 

 

* * *

 

 

That morning, as they all sat around eating breakfast, Castiel couldn't contain his elation. He ate, drank, and talked all while wearing a grin. He even laughed at things that weren't even that funny, all because he was in such a good mood. Sam eyed him curiously, but he didn't say anything. Castiel felt that somehow, Sam knew. Maybe he didn't know all of the details, but there was this sort of smug "I know what you guys did last night" kind of look he had.

Maybe it was just Castiel's imagination because really, how could he know?

Dean tried to act the same as he always did. Joking, saying random things about a movie, or something else casual. In fact, he was being totally Dean as he always was toward Castiel. There was no public display of affection. No winks or secret smiles. Not one indication that they had spent the night together.

At least, that was how he acted in front of Sam. Dean was obviously not ready to let that cat out of the bag yet, so Castiel understood to follow Dean's lead. When Dean was ready to let Sam know, he would. Until then, play it cool. Pretend nothing unusual was going on.

That day, Dean worked on the Impala while Sam did his jogging routine followed by burying his face in the books again. Castiel sat at the map table, researching on Sam's laptop. In a way, he missed his wings. He could just zap around instead of having to rely on technology. He wasn't going to complain, though because it was  _here_  he could spend more time with Dean.

His face flushed, picturing them in his bed again. Remembering the taste of Dean, so sweet and salty and delicious. The image of Dean's mouth around him, sucking him, licking him, gave Castiel a slight head rush. His heart began to beat so hard and fast, that he could feel it in his ears. He wanted Dean again. He needed to touch him, kiss him, be close to him, drowning in his scent.

When he couldn't take it anymore, he rose from the table and glanced over at Sam who was still reading. He paid no mind as Castiel left the room and headed to the garage. When he entered, Dean leaning over the open hood. He was in his jeans, that were soiled now with grease and dirt, and he had a white tank top that was even more grimey. His skin was glistening with sweat and it was making his muscles that much more profound.

Castiel was instantly hard.

Dean didn't notice Castiel approach him as he sang along to the Led Zeppelin song that was blaring from his boombox. Castiel smiled at the fact that he knew the different bands that Dean liked to listen to. After spending many hours in that Impala with him, it was a knowledge that was burned into his brain after a while.

Dean turned to Castiel and he wiped his forehead with the only visibly clean part of his arm and he smiled. "Hey Cas."

Castiel wasn't sure what came over him, but he could tell Dean noticed it, when his eyebrows raised. Castiel took hold of Dean's shoulders and pulled him into a kiss. Dean didn't seem to mind and he kissed him back, passionately. Castiel then pulled Dean closer and positioned him against the car, pressing his body against him.

Their lips locked, tongues exploring every part of their mouths, soft moans trying to escape as they grind together. Castiel pulled away and dropped to his knees. He fumbled with Dean's belt and as soon as he undid the clasp, he was quickly working on the zipper of his jeans.

"Woah, Cas, wait. I'm sweaty. I'm filthy. What if Sam… ahhh"

Castiel took Dean in his mouth and began sucking, slowly at first. He inhaled his musky scent and it almost made him come in his pants. When he could feel Dean become completely hard, he sped up a bit, grabbing hold of Dean's balls and squeezing them, gently.

Dean moaned. "Ah shit. Ohhhh."

Soon Dean was grabbing the back of Castiel's head and thrusting against his face. He was hissing and repeating Cas' name over and over in such a sexy low whisper, Castiel couldn't take it anymore. He reached down his own pants and began jerking himself off. He was rock hard and tasting Dean again was causing such a great reaction, he knew he was close to climax.

Dean's fingers closed around Castiel's hair, pulling his trestles into a fist as he moved his hips back and forth and into his mouth.

But then he stopped. He took hold of Castiel's shoulders and pushed him away. Castiel stopped jerking himself and he looked up at Dean, befuddled.

"Is something wrong?"

Dean caught his breath and smiled. "No. Everything's awesome. I just… I want to be inside of you."

Castiel swallowed. He wasn't expecting that, not so soon, but of course the idea was intriguing and ultimately arousing, he stood and planted his lips on Dean's. "Here?" Castiel looked around, trying to find a place where they could perform but Dean shook his head.

"No, let's… uh, meet me in the shower in five."

Dean grabbed Castiel's face, kissed him and sped off, while pulling up his pants. Castiel followed him and once he reached the main room of the bunker, he sneaked past the library, so not to be detected by Sam. He was still hard and he really didn't want to have to explain why.

The entire walk to the bathroom was filled with questions. What was is it going to feel like? Will it hurt? He'd never had anything up there, let alone another man's penis. Would this mean Cas will  _bottom_ for Dean? But Dean will be gentle. Dean will know what to do. Dean won't let him feel any pain.

By the time he reached the shower, Dean was already naked and stepping in. He smiled as Castiel entered and closed the door. "Just want to clean off some of this grime, first." Dean said as he rubbed some soap across his chest.

"I can help with that," Castiel said, smiling mischievously.

He stripped out of his clothes and joined Dean in shower. He was greeted with Dean's strong arms wrapping around his waist and a hot kiss on the lips. Castiel rested his hands on Dean's shoulders, kissing him back, excitedly.

Dean pulled Castiel closer, turned them around, and he pushed Castiel against the tile. Dean's mouth met his with raw eagerness as his hands ran up and down Castiel's body. Dean kissed his cheeks, then his chin, his neck, his chest, and met his lips again. He took Cas' head in his hands and they each opened their eyes.

Dean froze, staring deeply into Castiel's eyes. He appeared overwhelmed, as his nostrils flared and it looked like he was having trouble breathing. But then he calmed and his eyes glistened. Cas had seen this look before and it was usually when Dean was overcome with emotion, and it had always been with Castiel. Dean's eyebrows arched and he tilted his head a little.

"Cas, you're so beautiful."

Castiel was struck by this. He felt his heart skip a beat as his stomach flipped, what felt like a thousand times. He had always known Jimmy was good looking, for the most part. He had nice features, a good body, sure. "Well, this vessel, it's-"

Dean shook his head. "No, not just the vessel. You.  _Castiel._  You."

They stared at each other for a few more seconds and Dean pressed his mouth against Castiel's again, kissing and licking his lips and moaning softly as they grind their pelvises together. Dean pulled away again, panting a little heavier now.

"I saw you. Like, the  _real_ you."

Castiel furrowed his brow and he suddenly became very confused. What was Dean talking about? "Dean, what do you mean?"

Dean placed his hands on Castiel's shoulders. "When I was a demon, and you came to the bunker to help me, to help Sam, well there was like a brief moment, like it happened so fast, but I saw your true form. Don't ask me how, but, Cas…"

Dean paused and his eyes rolled upward. He drew a breath and met Cas' gaze again. "You were surrounded by this bright light that seemed to have every color of the rainbow, and I thought, 'wow, Cas is so beautiful,' and then it was gone. You were  _you_  again and it was over."

Castiel gasped. He didn't feel the shower water beating against his skin. His entire body felt like it was floating away and he tried to grab hold of Dean to make sure he didn't. Dean had seen his form? Of course, now it made sense. Dean was a demon. His body didn't have the limitations as it did while being human. That had to be the reason.

And to think Dean felt that, even while being a demon was extraordinary. Dean was special, as not all demons saw Cas' true form and Castiel had known that Dean should have always been able to see him. Why he couldn't in his human form was something Castiel chalked up to Zach removing Dean's memory of Castiel pulling him from the pit.

"I don't know what to say." Castiel exhaled and Dean just smiled.

"You don't have to say anything. I just want you to know that I saw you and I think you're beautiful, and that… well, I think that was the moment I realized I was, uh..." Dean paused, blushing brightly.

"You were what?" Castiel tilted his head.

"Nothing. I just wanted you know, that's all." He kissed Castiel again, as if he didn't want to discuss it any further. Dean ran his hands down Castiel's body to his hips and pushed and pulled him, pressing their erections together.

Dean moved his hands up Cas' arms, slowly, and they laced their fingers together, squeezing Cas' hands as he turned him around so that the angel's chest was against the tile. Dean released his hands and moved them down, caressing Cas' shoulders, and back, stopping at the place where his wings would be. Castiel felt Dean's lips and tongue licking that area and Castiel moaned, losing himself in total ecstasy. It was such a sensitive place on him and it was as if Dean knew it.

Dean nibbled, kissed, and licked that space between his shoulder blades and then Castiel could feel one hand moving down to his lower back. It was gliding easily so he knew Dean had applied some soap and then his fingers slid in between Cas' ass. Castiel almost jumped, but he closed his eyes, trying to remain calm despite the feeling of electricity running through his body at Dean's touch.

Dean guided Cas' legs a little further apart and slid his hand back down between him. Castiel felt Dean's fingers massaging his opening and balls and he hummed to the feeling. Then a finger went inside and Castiel gasped. Dean brought his face up to his ear.

"Are you okay? Does that hurt?"

"Yes, I mean, n-no. No, it feels… ahhh, so good."

Dean returned to kissing Castiel's back and he moved his finger slowly in and out of Cas, adding a second finger and oh, yes Castiel could feel the difference. He winced, because it did pinch at first but then he loosened his muscles and relished in the erotic feeling that Dean was giving him. In and out, his two fingers went, and then Dean pressed his lips against Castiel's ear lobe.

"Tell me if anything hurts, okay?"

Castiel could only nod while taking shallow breaths. Dean slipped his fingers out and Castiel heard a flapping sound. He turned his head slightly and looked down as Dean was massaging himself with soapy water. He then moved in, kissing Castiel's cheek and he moved back to Castiel's hands and he grabbed hold of them.

Dean's tip was now pressing against Cas' opening. It went in so slowly that Castiel had to hold his breath in anticipation. He went deeper, opening Castiel up with one very careful move, until Castiel could feel Dean's pelvis against his skin.

Oh God, Dean was inside him. Totally inside. He felt every inch of him and it was big and wide, he was half surprised it had even fit. Dean was gentle and sweet as he kissed Castiel's back again, and then his cheek. He reached his head around to kiss his lips and Dean made a sexy throaty moan, it made Cas' face flush. Dean moved so slightly inside Castiel, as if he didn't want to hurt him.

"Is this okay?" Dean asked in a husky whisper, sounding as if he was choking on his words.

Castiel nodded. "Yes, yes."

Dean's hand moved to Castiel's erection and he started to stroke him as he picked up the pace a little. Dean slid so easily in and out, Castiel began to move with him, thrusting his hips, taking even more of Dean in him. But Dean kept at such a slow pace, showering Castiel with the most tender kisses all over his neck, cheeks, and back, filling Castiel with an overwhelming feeling of love.

Dean wasn't just having sex with his best friend, they were making love. Dean was showing him how much he cared about him, how much he meant to him. He didn't just want to rush into some bathroom sex and be done with it. He was relishing in this moment. Making it mean something.

He could feel Dean swell inside him, pushing against his walls. Dean's forehead fell on Castiel's shoulder and he moaned against his skin. Castiel felt the warmth filling him up as Dean throbbed inside of him, twitching, pulsating, and it was hitting Castiel in just that right spot, that he came into Dean's hand. His head lowered as he watched his semen pump out and cover Dean's fingers. It gave Castiel chills and climaxing while Dean was inside him, was a feeling like no other. He didn't even know how to put it into words.

He felt Dean's arms wrap around him as he slid out and he turned Castiel around to face him. He brought his hands to Cas' face and kissed his lips, delicately. They remained in this position for what seemed like an eternity. Their lips locked as the warm water showered over them, Dean, holding Cas' face while Castiel's arms wrapped tight around Dean's waist.

It amazed Castiel how far they had come in just a week. Dean had changed so much since the mark was removed, or rather, he was now allowing himself to feel this way, to be close to Castiel and not run away from it, like he'd been doing for years.

No matter how well Dean thought he was hiding his feelings, Castiel knew. He felt it every time they were together. He saw Dean's inner struggle and really, all Cas could do was be patient. Maybe Dean would come around, maybe he wouldn't. Castiel didn't want to base his friendship on the possibility of it becoming romantic. He knew that would have ruined it.

Yet here they are now, in each other's arms, naked, in the shower after making love and Castiel felt like melting. Dean was so loving and warm, it was such a contrast to the tough hunter who'd go out and fight through the monsters like it was the easiest thing in the world. Dean was soft underneath his clothes. His skin was like silk. His hands were probably the only roughness on him.

Those calloused hands that were now caressing Castiel's' cheeks. Dean pulled away and met Castiel's eyes. His eyelids were droopy, and Cas could tell he was relaxed and satisfied. "How was that?"

Castiel breathed in Dean's scent and let out a shaky sigh. Shaky because he was so consumed with love at the moment, he was actually trembling. Looking at Dean, his heart expanded and he just wanted to cry, or laugh, or shout. He didn't know, but the most beautiful man in the universe was staring back at him and Castiel was tongue tied.

"It-it was amazing, Dean. All the sensations at once, it was mind blowing."

Dean smiled and kissed him. "Mm hm. For me too." Another kiss. "You hungry?"

Castiel nodded, now feeling a slight pang. All of this activity definitely worked up an appetite.

"Okay, I'll whip up something," Dean said.

Dean turned the shower knob and the water stopped flowing. He stepped out of the shower and grabbed a couple of towels, throwing one over to Castiel. Cas caught it and began drying himself. Dean stood still for a moment and Castiel could feel his eyes on him. He glanced up to see Dean smiling.

Without a word, Dean turned to leave. Castiel followed him, wrapping his towel around his waist. They each went for their own room and before Castiel walked in, Dean ran up behind him, spun him around, and kissed him quickly on the mouth. He gave Castiel that cute boyish smile that he loved so much and then Dean headed for his room.

Castiel dressed himself, wearing a goofy grin the entire time. Dean was so adorable. So  _goddamned_  adorable. How did he do that? Dean, tough as a warrior yet so childlike and sweet at the same time. Castiel had never seen Dean in a real relationship because he would always keep his sexual encounters very private and for the most part, very casual. The only person Castiel saw Dean with, as a solid partner, was Lisa and even then Castiel didn't see Dean this excited. He would sometimes watch them together, through the window from the outside, and he remembered feeling a little sad for Dean. Which in turn would make him sad.

There was a time that Castiel had thought that maybe Dean could never be truly content. He even thought the same about himself, too. But now, Castiel was  _really_ happy for the first time in his life. On cloud nine. And he could tell Dean was too.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Later that night after Sam went to bed, Castiel and Dean hung out in Dean's room, watching various shows and movies on his laptop. It was a relaxing night and Castiel curled up in Dean's arms, resting his body against him as Dean sat with his back against the headboard. They watched a few episodes of 'Game of Thrones', which Castiel actually really got into. Then for something lighter, Dean put on 'Zoolander', which happened to be one of Dean's favorite Ben Stiller movies.

Castiel laughed harder than ever which caused Dean turned to him a few times, Castiel would just glance at him, and then back to the movie. Castiel really enjoyed it and even though it was terribly silly, it made him laugh.

"That's adorable," Dean said.

Castiel looked at him. "What?"

"Your smile. Your laugh. I don't see it enough."

Castiel blushed a little, still trying to get used to these little compliments from Dean. "Uh, I guess there hasn't been much to smile about in a long time."

Dean sighed and closed the laptop. He placed it on the bedside table and slid his body down under the covers. Turning to his side, he said, "I hope this is okay, you know, the stuff we're doing."

Castiel lied down, turning to face Dean. "It is. It's very okay. No, it's very  _great_."

"Can I tell you something?" Dean asked, his green eyes sparkling as he looked at Cas giving Castiel butterflies in his stomach. He was almost getting used to all these feelings that he'd always been prone to ignore or bury. This time, he could let it happen, let himself feel giddy, shy, in love…

He nodded, awaiting Dean's next words.

"I've kinda been thinking about this, you know, us being close like this, for a long time. Years." Dean's face turned a bright red and he chuckled, nervously.

This wasn't really news to Cas but he was never sure to what extent Dean's feelings were for him. He knew it was strong, he knew it was more than just a casual friendship, but he also knew Dean was as straight as they come. He liked girls. That was his thing.

"Close as in, sex?" Castiel needed to know.

Dean inhaled sharply. "Yes. I mean, no, not just sex, like… just to be close. To kiss you, I really always wanted to kiss you." Dean buried his face in the pillow and laughed.

"I can't believe this is actually happening," he said through the pillow and then he peeked his face out, playfully. "I thought I was losing it, like  _really_  losing it, 'cause here I was, Mister Hetero who'd been with more women than he could count, having fantasies about his best  _male_ friend."

He continued to laugh.

"Well, I'm glad it doesn't bother you or make you ashamed."

Dean's laugh quieted and he took Castiel's hand and smiled so sweetly, sending Castiel's heart a flutter. "It just confused me, but I… it's not like I'm going around wanting dudes, 'cause I don't. Hell, I don't even want women now, I just…" His face was red again. "I just want you, Cas."

Castiel had lost the ability to speak. Whatever was happening between them was extraordinary, he almost thought it was a dream, or a spell, maybe a djinn got them, maybe… no, it was real, this was real. Castiel's mind was officially blown.

He thought back now to all the hints he misjudged, all the signs that were right there, yet he pushed them away, unable to accept it, and it all became so clear. Cas could have kicked himself right then and there for never bringing it up. Dean was practically giving Castiel so many opportunities to make his move and he was too blind to see it. It was there, through the years, it was all there.

Poor Dean had been conflicted and confused that he couldn't bring himself to tell Cas how he felt. So he just moved on and acted as if nothing was different. That everything was just as normal as it had always been.

"We should have done this sooner," Castiel finally said.

Dean nodded. "Yeah. We should have." He rolled to his back and let out a heavy sigh. "I should have said a lot of things over the years. I should have told you… I should have told you how important you were,  _are_ …"

Dean frowned and his face contorted to a full look of anguish. Castiel reached out and placed his hand on his chest, over Dean's hand. "You never had to Dean, because I knew."

Their eyes met. "You did?"

Castiel nodded. "Yes. I never questioned my importance to you."

A smile crept over Dean's face. "Well, that's awesome, then."

Castiel felt a heavy burden come over him. Dean had always made sure Castiel knew what he meant to Dean, even if it wasn't romantic yet, but had Cas? Had Castiel ever given Dean one reason to believe that he meant the world to him?

"But, I'm afraid I may have fallen short there."

"Huh?"

"If I ever made you feel that you weren't the most important person in my life, I'm truly sorry."

Dean chuckled, and wrapped his arms around Castiel, pulling him closer to him. "Dude, really? You've given up everything for me, Heaven… everything. How is that not proof?"

Castiel felt better. At least Dean knew. All these years, at least he knew what he meant to Cas, even if it was only partly. He felt obligated now to confess his true feelings, since Dean was brave enough to do so. Of course, Castiel was nervous and sweating, his palms became clammy and his stomach felt like it was caught in his throat.

Dean was watching him with a confused look on his face and then he placed his hand on Castiel's shoulder and said, "Okay, what? You have that look."

Castiel tilted his head. "What look?"

He was wondering how exactly he appeared to Dean at this moment. Castiel was a terrible liar, a horrible keeper of secrets, and he may has well never hide anything from Dean because it  _did_  cause this awkward panic in him, that was always impossible to avoid. Yet, he had been so good at hiding his feelings for Dean over the years, because there was always something else going on. He had convinced himself that his personal feelings weren't top priority and with Dean, the way that he was, it probably would have backfired horribly.

But now Castiel felt it was impossible to conceal his true feelings because this situation sort of called for it. They'd been intimate, and here Dean was, confessing his own secrets and so Castiel made up his mind. It was time.

"That, ' _I'm constipated'_  look," Dean said with a smile.

Castiel turned to his side again, facing Dean. "It was when I pulled you out of hell." Cas swallowed and felt the heat rise up from his stomach to his cheeks. Dean pulled his head back a little and furrowed his brow.

"What was?"

"When I… knew I loved you." Castiel looked away, shyly but Dean put his hand on Cas' chin and turned his face to him.

"What?" Dean said, so softly that it was more like whisper.

Their eyes were locked and Castiel was finding it really hard to breath, again. This shouldn't be so nerve racking but this was something he'd been carrying around for years. Flashes of their time together ran through his mind. When they met, their talk in Heaven's Green Room, that moment Castiel realized that he would do anything for Dean,  _anything_. He saw that time they were trapping Raphael together, and the day Sam jumped in the pit, that night he knew Dean would be going to Lisa's to live a normal life, which saddened Castiel.

On one hand, he was happy Dean was getting out of the hunter's life but on the other hand, he knew Dean would never be satisfied. Dean was running away, and most of all, the selfish part of Cas wanted Dean all to himself. And then when that civil war started in heaven, and Castiel had gone to see Dean, not just once, but almost every night. He'd watch Dean in what was supposed to be domestic bliss, and he'd noticed the pain in him. Castiel was too familiar with Dean's masks.

Dean finally came back to the life of hunting, only to find out that Castiel had been lying to him and working with Crowley behind his back. Castiel felt a pain in his chest, for this was a time he'd rather not think about. Just seeing that hurt in Dean's eyes, those tears that he had spilled because Castiel wouldn't stop his master plan and he was foolish to have tried to do it all on his own. He knew he should have gone to Dean. But he didn't.

When that nightmare was over and Castiel had come back, lost and without any knowledge of who he even was, Dean showed up at his doorstep. Castiel let out a small chuckle, realizing that no matter what, fate will always bring them together. It did then, and again in Purgatory. Castiel had just grasped onto something so amazing and huge. They were  _truly meant to be._

So he let these memories fill him as he stared at Dean, who was eyeing him curiously at this point. Castiel coughed nervously and a smile formed on his lips. All events, from the moment he pulled Dean out of Hell had led to this. He saw it so clearly now. Even the pain and suffering they had to endure was all necessary. All important. To bring them to this moment now. Here. In Dean's room, in his bed, with his arm draped over Castiel.

"I've always loved you Dean. I mean,  _really_  loved you. It was just something I knew would make you uncomfortable so I kept it to myself." Castiel saw Dean's eyes widen and fill with tears. Dean remained silent and just stared at Castiel with his lips partly open.

He continued, "When I saw you down there, your soul was tainted, sure but it was shining brighter than anything I had ever seen. In Hell, it was nearly impossible to shine so brightly and there you were, so beautiful, so stunning, and my heart was never the same."

Dean placed his hand on Castiel's jaw and leaned in to kiss him. Before he pressed his lips to Cas' he whispered, "I love you, Cas" and then he kissed him tenderly.

A kiss that sent electricity through Castiel, causing goose bumps. The L word doesn't come easily with Dean. In fact, he never uses the word, not even to describe his feelings about food. Trying to move past being completely stunned, an overwhelming feeling of honor came over him. Dean just told him he loved him. Dean just said ' _I love you, Cas.'_

The passion grew as their tongues danced and it wasn't long before their clothes were off and Dean was climbing on top of Castiel, kissing his lips and neck. Dean took his time with Castiel that night, savoring every inch of his body, tasting him everywhere. Castiel's head swam as he was being showered by Dean's gentle kisses and touches, It was beautifully erotic and loving. Dean slid his body down, nibbling Cas' thighs and he moved slowly, spreading Castiel's legs apart a little bit more, tonguing up his inner thigh, to his balls.

Castiel moaned and he closed his eyes. He heard Dean whispering something between his kisses and licks and remained as still as possible to try and make it out. And then he held his breath and he was overcome with emotion when he heard that Dean had been repeating the words, "I love you." An overwhelming feeling of affection filled Castiel and he slid his hands under Dean's armpits and pulled him up, kissing him, wrapping his arms around him so tightly, as they just lie there for a while. Castiel focused on Dean's breathing as their chests moved up and down in a steady rhythm. He could feel both their heartbeats, beating so strongly against each of their chests.

Dean's head rested against Castiel's neck and he moved slowly, grinding against him. Castiel moaned as he got hard again and soon Dean was rock hard as well. Dean lifted his head and his elbows rested on either side of Castiel's head. Dean rocked a little bit harder now, pressing his pelvis firmly down against Castiel. They kept their eyes locked as Dean moved and then Castiel joined in, matching Dean's rhythm. Soon, they were grinding faster, pressed together and Castiel grabbed Dean's hips and guided his moves.

Dean's face was now flushed and his nostrils flaring with each moan and heavy breath. Castiel squeezed Dean's ass and it caused Dean to make a deep breathy sob. Castiel spread Dean's ass cheeks and ran his fingers in between. Dean's breathing grew heavy and he picked up the pace, moaning and hissing, and with one hard thrust, he was coming. Castiel could feel the warm liquid against his stomach and it was driving him mad with arousal. Dean continued moving through his orgasm and it wasn't long before Castiel was coming as well. He felt both of them twitching together and it was the most sensual and intimate feeling in the world.

Dean finally stopped moving and he collapsed, sliding his body to Castiel's side. He rested his head against Castiel's shoulder as he threw his arm across his chest. "Dammit, Cas." Castiel chuckled at that all familiar phrase of his. "What the hell is happening?"

Castiel looked at Dean and when their eyes met, he smiled, slightly. "I mean,  _how_  is this happening?" Dean added.

Castiel shrugged. "Because we're letting it happen?"

"I still can't fucking believe it." Dean grinned with that almost innocent wonder, setting Castiel's heart on fire. He loved this smile the most.

He pulled Dean in closer and they lie there in silence. Castiel listened to Dean's breathing as it slowed and became heavier. Dean was falling asleep and he felt his own eyes growing tired and heavy. He thought about all wonderful things he and Dean had been through together, and with those warm thoughts, he fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

There was a knock on the door but before Castiel could shake Dean awake, it opened to a very exasperated Sam Winchester. Castiel's eyes widened as Sam looked at Cas, then at Dean, then at the bed, and then at Cas again, and he smiled.

"I fucking knew it," Sam said, chuckling and shaking his head.

Cas sat up, causing Dean's arm to slide off of him. He looked down, realizing how obvious it was that they were naked under the sheets. "Sam," Cas said, glancing back and forth between Sam and Dean. Dean mumbled something and turned around to his back.

"No, no, don't say a word." Sam laughed harder now. "I-I'm uh, sorry to barge in. Uh," he averted his eyes and tried his hardest to wipe the huge grin off of his face. "Crowley's on his way, he said he has some info."

Suddenly Dean sat up, and he let out an annoyed sigh. "Son of a… do you know how to knock?" Dean scowled at Sam.

"I did. You didn't answer. I just came in here to tell you guys that-"

"Did Crowley say what news he had?" Castiel interrupted, pulling the sheets up over his chest.

"Something about the Heaven war, Cas. So you guys need to throw some clothes on and be ready when he gets here." Sam turned to leave and he gave Dean a look. "Maybe take a shower, first." Sam's lips were twitching as he held back a smile and then left, closing the door behind him.

Dean shook his head and started to laugh. "Well, I guess  _that's_  out in the open now," and that was all he had to say about it. He wasn't mad or ashamed and Castiel smiled at him as they got out of bed.

They decided to take separate showers, for the obvious reason that Crowley was on his way and they both knew a joined shower would mean more sex and they'd never get out of there quickly enough. After they'd cleaned up, they met Sam in the war room at the map table. Crowley was already there and he stopped talking when he glanced up at Castiel and Dean.

"Gentlemen. You're both looking fresh." His eyes squinted, focusing on Castiel. "And glowing."

"You got news for us, Crowley?" Dean said, roughly.

He walked into the room, pulled out a chair and sat down. Castiel followed and stood near Dean, leaning on his chair. Crowley gave them both a curious look, but he shook his head as if he decided not to pay any mind to whatever it was that he was thinking.

"It appears that angel who attacked you may very well be the Belial itself."

Sam now sat next to Crowley. "Yeah, we kind of figured but why and how?"

Crowley flashed a sly grin and he looked directly at Castiel. "Castiel, you know what these are, correct?"

Castiel nodded. "I do, but I'm not sure why it's here or why it attacked us."

"You serious?" Crowley raised his eyebrows and glanced briefly over at Dean and then back at Castiel. "This is your area of expertise, Wings. How could you not know where these things came from?" Crowley was eyeing Castiel intensely. He was reading him, or trying to.

"I- uh, a lot of my memory had been wiped, there are only bits and flashes of things, but-"

"Oh dear Lord," Crowley sighed and chuckled. "You holy rollers are worse than demons sometimes."

"Just tell us what you know," Dean barked, slamming his hand on the table, causing everyone to jump. Crowley gave Dean a surprised look , followed by an eye roll, and then he spoke.

"Fine, jeez. They are, what was known during that great bloody battle, as the Sons of Darkness." He paused and looked at Castiel again. "Ring a bell?"

Castiel shook his head but then a strong wave of dizziness came over him. His eyes blurred and he felt his head swimming as if someone had thrown him into the sea. All he could really make out were voices. He heard Dean, then Sam, then there was arguing. He felt hands grabbing at him, lifting his arms, and he noticed his knees felt weak. It grew dark, as if his eyes were closing.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel was floating. With his closed lids, he could still see a blinding light shining in his face. He opened his eyes and brought his arm up to shield him from the brightness. He could swear there were people there, but all he could make out were shadowy silhouettes in the distance. The voices grew louder and he recognized one of them.

Uriel.

One of the dark figures approached Castiel and as it stood behind the light, he could see now that it was in fact, Uriel. Castiel looked around, unsure of where he was. Uriel was dead but now he was standing in front of him, appearing alive as ever.

"Castiel, come on, we're all waiting," Uriel said to him.

Castiel absentmindedly nodded, as if he was being controlled by some unseen force. He followed Uriel to a large open room where thousands of people were. Not people, angels. Castiel suddenly knew where he was. This had happened before. Wait, this was a memory resurfacing. He couldn't put his finger on it exactly, but somehow this was like deja vu.

The room opened up to a stage. There were angels holding large swords, standing in the back and in the center was a large mechanism shaped as an X. Castiel's eyes widened for he knew what it was. Suddenly a loud and deep voice spoke, reverberating through the entire room.

"The sons of Darkness were then cast down by the sons of light. Without us, the world would still be shrouded in that amoral energy."

The crowd cheered and applauded. Castiel looked around to see if he could recognize anyone. The only person he seemed to know was Uriel. And oh wait, there in the distance, was Anna. Castiel snapped around and he spotted Balthazar, and there standing next to him was Hester. She actually made eye contact with Castiel and she gave him a hard glare. Castiel shivered at her cold eyes and he turned away, focusing in on the stage once again. Images began to dance around the room, as if a story was being told by moving pictures. There, he saw the archangels battling the dark angels. Castiel gasped when he saw the dark twisted angel was exactly like the one who attacked him.

The pictures moved as the loud voice continued telling the heroic events of the war. He knew that voice now. It was Michael. Castiel lifted on his toes to see if he could get a glance at him. He wondered if God was nearby. Where was he? Had he left already? He couldn't remember.

Michael continued, "The sons of Darkness therefore lay dormant as the Darkness too, lay dormant."

Castiel wanted to remind them of the mark of Cain, but he couldn't seem to speak. Had they left that information on purpose? Yes they did, but why?

"And if the Darkness shall ever be freed, so will the sons of Darkness along with it. They will wreak havoc, once again on earth and in heaven and they will lay siege to hell. There will be no more. They will corrupt every angel in this room, if we cannot stop them again. So be prepared for one day, we may have to fight this Darkness again. In the meantime, live true to Heaven, obey our rules, and do not fall."

Castiel cringed.

"And those who fail to adhere to order, will be punished in the most severe way possible."

The crowd cheered once again and Castiel was drawn to a commotion coming from the left of him. He peered over, and he saw an angel being dragged down the aisle, toward the stage. Castiel's heart raced, for he knew what was about to happen.

The angel was lifted onto the stage. His wings were bloody and frayed and he had whip lashes across his front and back. Castiel watched as they hoisted him up onto the X with his back facing the crowd. The angel wasn't saying a word or resisting when he allowed them to bind his wrists and ankles to the each of the planks and then another angel stepped out.

Thaddeus. The brutal torturer of Heaven's most criminal angels. Castiel had always steered clear of this angel, for he was famous for his barbaric methods of torture. Torture that was somehow allowed by God and the archangels and Castiel had never understood it. The brute angel now turned to face the crowd and as always, he had a glint of insanity in his eyes. Castiel had often wondered why nobody noticed it, or if they did, why they hadn't said something.

Thaddeus held his arms up high and the crowd cheered. He turned to the bound angel. "Your wings, Jolie," he said.

The angel spread his large wings, and they were magnificent. Castiel noticed the beautiful coloring and sheen to them and his heart grew heavy for what he knew was about to happen. Thaddeus turned and grabbed hold of his right wing. With one swift move, he lifted his sword and cut it clean off. The angel hollered as the blood began to pour down his back. thick and oozing.

It started to all come back to Castiel now. The torture, the punishment. Michael threatening the angels to keep order or the threat of this could happen to them. The Darkness, those dark angels were nothing more than a manifestation of the evil energy that tried to corrupt Heaven. They were pure evil that can take the form of anything they wanted. People had always assumed Hell was Heaven's opposition, but it wasn't. This was, for this energy was just as strong and just as powerful as theirs, only it was the most ominous and perverted version of it.

They were scared. They were actually convinced that a wayward angel could bring about that corruption again. It was because they couldn't understand it. The mark, that stupid mark was supposed to keep it at bay, but they knew. Michael, God… they knew it could happen again. They didn't rid of it, they merely contained it. Because of that, It could be released and they needed every angel ready for it.

Castiel yelled as Thaddeus sliced off the other wing. He put his hand over his mouth, realizing what he had just done. This was a spectacle, a perverse show of violence and Castiel couldn't just stand by, but to show any sign of protest, well… that was an act of rebellion. A large number of angels in front and on the sides of him all turned and looked at him with wide eyes.

"Are you insane, Castiel?" Uriel said.

Castiel backed away as the crowd seemed to close in on him. "No, stay away from me, get away." Castiel began to flail his arms at the encroaching angels. He was panicking now, sweating, and he had to leave. He turned and ran.  _Why am I sweating._   _Why is my heart racing? I'm an angel. This shouldn't be happening._  He was now outside the room and suddenly a bright light was shining in his face again. He squinted at it and he tried to cover his face.

"Cas, hey, buddy can you hear me?"

He knew that voice. Castiel felt his body lying on something soft. He smelled cologne and soap and then he heard that voice again. "Cas."

He opened his eyes and swallowed. He was in the bunker and lying on the couch. Dean was leaning over him, eyes full of worry. Cas glanced around and he spotted Sam standing behind Dean, and Crowley was off to the side, near Sam. Castiel went back to the images he had just seen and his eyes grew wide. He sat up, but Dean protested.

"Hey, easy there," Dean said.

"I remember now." He looked up at Dean, and then at Sam. He sighed and turned back to Dean. "The angels are the Sons of Darkness…"

"Old news, Wings." Crowley said. Dean turned around to him.

"Shut up!" he shouted and then looked at Castiel. "Go on."

"There were also the Sons of Light. That was God and the archangels. They fought the Darkness, but it was more like, they fought the Sons  _of_  Darkness. They were the same as the angel who attacked us. Now with the Darkness released, they are manifesting again. they will grow, multiply, and… they do not need vessels."

The mood shifted and the boys clearly seemed spooked. Crowley was just intrigued and he gestured for Castiel to continue.

He glanced at Dean again. "This is how the Darkness takes over. These twisted angels will corrupt earth. They will bring about its destruction. After that, they will turn to Heaven and Hell," he said the last part to Crowley.

"Bugger all. Hell? Why Hell? Shouldn't they, I don't know, team up with me or something?"

Castiel shook his head. "You think your Hell is so terrifying, you have no idea what this Darkness can do. Look at what it did to Lucifer. A mere key that held it at bay was strong enough to turn an archangel-"

"So do we have any chance against these things, Cas?" Dean asked.

"I don't know. I don't think so. Not without God." Castiel placed his hand over Dean's. He didn't care who was looking. "Dean, I remember that even Michael was scared about it returning. They knew, somehow, that it wouldn't be contained forever. They were… preparing us for the day it would return."

Castiel looked down and he felt Dean's other hand on his and he squeezed. "So you guys were never told about the key? The mark of Cain?"

Castiel shook his head. "No, they never told us. They just… they punished any angel that presented a problem. They didn't want to take any chances at one of us… letting it in." Castiel slumped in the couch. Dean squeezed his hand again and leaned into him.

"Cas, don't you do that, okay?" Dean said, searching Castiel's face.

Castiel looked up at him. Dean added, "Don't you go blaming yourself."

After a few more seconds of silence, Castiel glanced at Crowley. They shared a secret that Castiel had figured would never need to be revealed. The fifth ingredient to the spell. A piece of his grace. He had to come clean, the boys had a right to know.

"Well, Castiel. It appears you've brought chaos to the world again. Good job," Crowley said, and he turned away.

"What is he talking about?" Sam asked, looking between Crowley and Cas. Dean made eye contact with Sam and furrowed his brow.

"Cas, this isn't your fault, you were just trying to help me," Dean assured him.

But it  _was_ his fault. It was  _his_  grace, the last of the ingredients that made that spell work. Castiel gently pushed Dean aside and rose from the couch. He looked at Sam.

"Sam, there was a fifth ingredient."

Sam's brow creased as he looked at Cas and then at Dean. "Okay, what?"

Castiel felt his stomach flip. "My grace."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel didn't wait for them to reprimand him. He turned on his heels and headed for his room. Dean called out his name, as did Sam but he ignored them. He could hear them arguing with each other as he turned and walked down the hall. He didn't want to stick around for the inevitable " _Cas, what were you thinking?"_

He walked into his room and slammed the door shut, but it was stopped before doing so. Castiel turned to see Dean at the threshold with his hand on the door. Castiel sighed as he sat down on the edge of the bed. He heard Dean close the door but Cas didn't even want to make eye contact with him.

He'd gone against everything Dean had wished. He had continued to lie, continued to work on the spell, and now because of him, the Darkness was back. He knew his punishment in Heaven would be severe, but not as harsh as this feeling of betraying Dean like he did.

"Cas." Dean stood in front of him. "Come on, man."

"Dean." He slowly looked up. "If I'd have just listened to you…"

Dean got down on his knees in front of Castiel. "What, Cas? Do you… do you remember what I did to you? Right here in the bunker?"

Castiel looked away. Dean moved his hand to Cas' chin and turned his face to him. "Do you?"

"I helped release the Darkness, Dean. Do you have any idea what they will do to me if…  _when_ they come for me?" Castiel was sweating now. He rubbed his hands together nervously and Dean reached out and placed his hands over them.

"We'll deal with that when the time comes. Cas, you and Sam, yeah, you guys are the most irritatingly stubborn people on the planet, but you guys fucking saved me. And guess what, Death would have killed Sam. And probably you, too."

Castiel met his gaze and sighed. "So once again, we are more important than the entire world, Dean?"

Dean's jaw clenched. He was losing his patience, from what Castiel could tell. " _We_  didn't know that, Cas.  _You_  didn't know.  _Sam_  didn't know. Hell, Crowley didn't even know and who cares about Rowena."

Castiel's eyes widened. "I bet she knew."

"Probably. Who cares. What we need to do is worry about one thing at a time. If those angels try to come for you well, they got two Winchesters who are gonna give 'em hell." Dean smirked and winked.

"Heaven's angels or the dark ones?"

"Both."

Castiel let himself smile, even only for a moment. Dean had no idea the power he had over Castiel's emotions. With just one gesture, word, or smile, he could change Castiel's dark mood into a light one.

He pulled his hands free from Dean's and he cradled Dean's face.

Dean smiled back. "In the meantime, we find God. Sound like a plan?" Cas nodded. "Okay then. No more of this guilt crap. That's my job." Dean side smiled and rose to his feet.

Castiel couldn't shake the gnawing feeling that Heaven will find him and punish him for his crimes. He also couldn't get that image out of his head of that angel's wings being cut off. How barbaric. How brutal. How could God have allowed that?

* * *

 

"So if Gabriel isn't doing the porn thing, where the hell could he be?" Sam asked.

The four of them were back in the war room, sitting at the map table. Crowley was leaning back, with his feet up on the table, Sam next to him. Dean gave Crowley one of his scowls and pushed the demon's feet off of the table.

"You mind?"

Crowley rolled his eyes. "Such a neat freak." He continued after a long, drawn out sigh. "He can't be that stupid to ignore what's going on. Wouldn't it be in his best interest to find God as well?" Crowley said.

Castiel nodded. "Yes. But Gabriel has always been a little unorthodox. He does things  _his_  way, and avoids conflict whenever he can."

Dean hissed. "Yeah, when he's not messing with Sam and me."

"Tell me about it." Sam shook his head. "Okay, so we need to get back on the 'Find Gabriel' mission." He opened his laptop. "Dean, you and I have tracked down people that we thought never possible. We can do this."

"Fine, while you boys do that, I'm going to poke around some more. Surely someone should have seen that annoying angel by now." Crowley rose from his chair and turned to Castiel. "By the way, I'm fully juiced again. You?"

All eyes turned to Castiel. He ran his hands down his torso and tilted his head. "It's slowly coming back, yes. I think my ability to heal might be stronger but, my wings-"

"Still broken," Crowley finished for him.

"I'm afraid they will remain like that. They have been broken since I got my grace back." Castiel frowned.

"What are you guys talking about, Cas?" Dean asked. He was looking hard at Castiel.

Castiel sighed. He hadn't even had the chance to talk to Sam and Dean about getting his grace back, at least not in full detail. He hadn't told them that his wings were broken. Castiel had hoped that it was a temporary thing, but as the weeks went on and his wings didn't heal, he knew that they never would. His grace was his only link to Heaven and with him not really being a part of it for this long, it was like his grace was reacting to the fact that he was indeed  _fallen_  and had been for some time now.

"I never really had the chance to tell you," he glanced back and forth between Dean and Sam. "My grace, it's all I have left of Heaven. And with being cut off, my angel powers, my angel abilities start to reflect that. My wings were the first to go for a true angel of the lord has wings. I am no longer that, therefore, no more wings. Or at least, no wings that could fly."

Castiel looked down, suddenly filled with a tremendous sadness. He felt Dean's hand on his shoulder but he didn't dare look at his face, or Sam's, for he knew their faces were probably as heavy as his heart felt.

"Shit, Cas. Sorry," Sam said.

Dean remained silent. Castiel looked up at Crowley, for he knew he wouldn't care in the least bit, but even he appeared troubled. He saw Crowley sigh and he turned, not saying a word. Castiel mustered up the courage to make eye contact with Sam. He wasn't even going to try that with Dean, because that just might make him cry.

"Thanks Sam. It's okay, really." Castiel was full of shit and they knew it.

Sam rose and headed over to where Castiel sat. He placed his hand on his shoulder and squeezed. He took a deep breath and left the room, leaving Cas alone with Dean.

Then, he had no choice. His eyes met Dean's and all he saw was this agony. He didn't want this. Dean didn't need to worry about him. There were more important things they needed to think about now. But then Dean finally spoke.

"Cas." His voice cracked as tears welled in his eyes. Dean rose and flashed one of his ' _I'm hurting but I'm gonna smile anyway'  grins_  and said, "Fuck 'em. Who needs wings when we got Baby," and he walked away, toward the garage.

Castiel remained in his chair for a few minutes before he made up his mind to go after Dean. Maybe it was to make sure Dean was okay. Maybe it was to just be around him, to bask in that positive effect he always seem to have on Castiel and he really needed his mood lifted.

But when he arrived at the garage, Dean was standing in front of Baby. Her hood was open and he held a tool in his hand, and he just stared, frozen. Castiel moved closer to Dean and noticed that Dean had tears streaming down his face. He turned to Cas briefly and sighed, wiping his face with his arm.

"I bet I could have her ready by the end of the week. Look, Cas, I got the front seats back. I just need to bang out this part of the hood here and-"

Castiel brought Dean into a hug and Dean collapsed and cried. Castiel had seen him sad, he'd seen him cry, he'd seen pretty much every emotion his friend had ever had. But now, this moment seemed to rip Castiel apart for he knew Dean was blaming himself, taking the sole responsibility for what had happened. Castiel couldn't let him do that.

"Dean, it's okay. I promise that I will be fine."

Dean didn't let up and he sobbed harder and then finally he broke away from Castiel and brought his hands up to his head. "I beat you. I fucking beat you and you had broken wings, and I-"

"Oh Dean. No, don't do this." He reached for Dean, but Dean gently pushed his arm away. He backed up even more and looked at Castiel.

"I've corrupted you," he said in such a deep tone, it gave Castiel a sick feeling in his stomach. "Everything's my fault. You rebelled, you killed angels, and you did it all for me, right Cas, those were your words, right?"

"Dean."

"And the very touch of me corrupts, like Hester said. She was right." Dean slid his body down against the car and sat on the concrete. "You'd have been better off never knowing me. Never pulling me out of Hell."

Castiel shook his head and sat down next to Dean. "Bullshit."

Dean turned his head and gave Castiel a half smile. "Bullshit?"

"Yes, bullshit. We may have torn up the rule books together and yeah, maybe I did do it all for you, but you know what Dean? Every second of that was worth it. Are you going to tell me that everything you have ever done for someone you love was a waste of time? Or it was their fault you did it?"

Dean shook his head.

"Then how can you think for one second that everything I had done to be with you was a mistake?"

Castiel placed his hand on Dean's knee and continued, "I'm not sure I even believe in destiny anymore like I used to, but Dean, you and I… if anything in this world has ever made any sense at all, it's our love. And that's why I've done what I have done and I don't regret a thing."

"But your wings Cas, your mojo…"

"Are nothing compared to you. I'd give up everything, I'd become human, if it meant I could be with you."

As soon as Castiel said that, a strange feeling came over him. This was the first time he had ever admitted, to Dean or anyone, even himself, that he'd give up being an angel for Dean. Yes, the thought crossed his mind many times, especially when he was forced to choose between Heaven or Dean, him choosing Dean every time. But to hear him say it aloud, it made it almost like a vow. He felt a rising panic at the thought that he may very well have to choose one day.

Dean wiped away a few fresh tears that fell. "I could never ask you to do that."

"You never have to."

Their eyes met again. "But being an angel, that's who you are. That's  _Castiel._ "

Castiel smiled at him and gently caressed his cheek. "No. That  _was_ Castiel. I don't want Heaven, Dean. Even with Hannah in control, it's… that memory I got back, it showed me how much I've changed. I'd always thought being an angel was the only identity I had, but falling in love with you, well, that was my calling, Dean. Call me crazy but, for some reason, something inside of me knows that it was what I was meant for."

Dean just stared at Castiel as he continued, "I think- I think there's a lot more than I was told and the only real answers out there are with God and well, maybe I will finally understand all that has happened to me then. But right now Dean, I need you to stop blaming yourself. You told me the same thing."

He saw Dean come around, for he was now nodding in agreement and trying to smile. They embraced in a hug and Dean sighed against Castiel's neck. "I didn't mean to get all emotional, Cas. I know that's the last thing you need."

Castiel chuckled. "Shut up," and he heard Dean laugh against him and he knew that things were okay, for now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dean continued to work on the Impala as Castiel headed back to the library to check out some more books. He kept glancing at the Book of Enoch, but resisted opening it again. Reading about the misfortune of those fallen angels was the last thing he needed, especially after getting the memory back of seeing Jolie's wings being cut off.

And knowing that it could be Castiel next.

It started to make more sense to him the more he thought about it; the way they were all scared into submission, only masking the real fear in the hearts of Michael and the other archangels. They had suspected an angel would fall so terribly that it would make the idea of the Darkness coming back more solid.

He now wondered if they had some sort of prophecy. Why would a fallen angel be the one to do it? They needed an angel's grace for the spell, but he had known many angels who were still highly regarded in Heaven, most of whom had been intent on ending the world. Surely one of them could have been susceptible for bringing the Darkness back. He thought of Uriel, Bartholomew, Malachi, angels who'd been held in high esteem, who ended up wanting nothing but war and mayhem. And power. Uriel even wanted to follow Lucifer.

Of course it didn't matter now, for it was Castiel's grace that did the deed. Castiel, the trouble maker. The rebel. The fallen.

There was a time when being an angel was all that he knew. It was all that he had wanted to know. Until Dean, that is. Castiel never felt that he had truly belonged and knowing that his mind has been wiped countless times, he was aware that his brethren didn't think he belonged either. He wondered what they took away from him. How many times he must have rebelled, or questioned them, or just refused to watch the horrible torture of other angels.

Despite Castiel's violent history of slaughter, he never would have agreed to torture like that, while being in his right mind, that is. Even when he would have to slay another angel - to protect himself or the Winchesters -  it broke his heart every time. He didn't want to kill. He never wanted that. His heart wasn't made of stone. He wasn't like the other angels. He was  _never_  like the other angels.

 

The rest of the day, Castiel read more as Dean worked on the Impala. He had wanted to interrupt him a few more times, maybe just for a kiss, or even just to stare, but Dean had made it clear that he had to fix her up and get her ready. He promised to drive Castiel to where ever he wanted and all Cas would have to do is say the word.

He did come in for a quick meal that Sam had prepared for them; a frozen pizza and salad, and it hit the spot. Dean didn't say much as they sat around the table. He did place his hand on Castiel's a few times, provoking Sam to raise an eyebrow and smile, but nothing was said about it. It was as if it was the most normal thing to do.

After Dean went back to the garage, Sam retired to his room with his laptop, and Castiel was left in the main room, unsure of what to do next. He decided to head to his room and bring Dean's laptop with him, maybe relax with some of Dean's favorite shows and movies.

Before he got around to putting in Porky's 2, he found himself - just out of curiosity - checking out Google (thanks to Sam showing him that search engine) and typing 'Destiel' in the search field. A large number of pages came up and he didn't even know where to begin. He even saw a link for the girl's school musical under something called 'YouTube'. That sparked his interest, so he clicked it.

Someone apparently had filmed the entire play and posted it on the site. Castiel sat back and watched the musical unfold. He smiled when the it began. This first song was very catchy, he noticed that he started to tap his finger on his knee to the beat. He smiled even wider at the " _I'm big brother Dean"_ part, remembering Dean singing it to him the other night.

And then a girl came out dressed in a tan trench coat and blue tie with little wings attached to her back. Castiel giggled.  _She nailed it,_  he thought. Well, everything but the wings, that is. Still, it was rather cute and Castiel couldn't help but love it. It was interesting to see their take on it all. Especially the bond between Dean and himself. Had everyone read into it like this? Had everyone been waiting for them to finally admit how they felt?

It was quite humbling to see their exchange, right there for all to watch. Dean telling Cas to never change, Dean who'd just come back from a hellish trip to the future. Seeing how the girls told this story really touched him. He remembered it like it was yesterday.

He watched the rest and then closed the laptop and set it on the bedside table. His head rested on the pillow and he closed his eyes, hearing the song in his head.

_I raised you from perdition to be God's ammunition_

_But now you need some rest so I will do what's best I'll just wait here then_

_That's all I'll do I'll just wait here then_

_I'll wait for you…_


	10. Chapter 10

Cas awoke at the sound of Dean clicking the keyboard of the laptop. He blinked his eyes into focus and looked up at Dean who was sitting next to him in bed, staring intently at the screen. He glanced at Castiel as he shifted a little and said, "Oh man, sorry Cas. Didn't mean to wake you."

Castiel was still trying to comprehend the fact that they'd been sharing the same room for days now. Whether it be his room, or Dean's, they always slept in the same bed. It kind of solidified their relationship in a way, for Cas. It somehow meant they were really a thing. Really a couple. His stomach flipped every time he thought about it.

"It's okay. What are you searching for?"

Dean sighed. "I've been so caught up with this Darkness crap, I've completely lost track of all the other shit going on. People are still in need of our help. There are still loads of monsters out there."

Castiel leaned up on his elbow. Dean continued, "Like here." He pointed to an article in the 'Salida Tribune' online. "In Colorado, people showing up at the morgue with their entire insides liquefied… sounds like a djinn, right?"

Castiel nodded.

"And here," he clicked on another article from the 'Talogo Daily News', "In Oklahoma, a group of people had gone missing and one eyewitness said he saw a man with ' _strange shark like teeth'_. Could be a vamp nest. We should probably check these out, don't you think?"

He was right. There was still the everyday paranormal stuff going on and until they find God, or Gabriel, they were sitting ducks anyway. He looked up at Dean and nodded. "Yes, we should."

Dean copied down both locations on his notepad and set the laptop down. He slid his body closer to Castiel and rested his head on the pillow. "It's the least we could do, right?" he said, dropping his arm around Castiel's waist.

"We'll tell Sam in the morning. How's the car coming along."

"Almost finished. She'll probably be ready by tomorrow, then we can head out on Monday. Sound like a plan?"

Monday. Time flies. Wednesday marked two weeks since they unleashed the Darkness. Two weeks since they came back here to the bunker, confused and dirty with no idea where to even start. Now, they at least had an idea of what the Darkness was capable of. Until they find God, there was no point in sitting around. Dean was right, it was time to get back to work. They'd help people as much as they could until the path leads them elsewhere.

He was positive that Sam would feel the same. He's sure they will be piling in the Impala the day after tomorrow and doing what they did best. Hopefully they'd find Gabriel in the meantime. Who knew, that angel usually just showed up out of nowhere anyway and Castiel was pretty sure he'd never show up here.

 

 

The car was in fact ready by the next day and Sam was also in agreement in hitting the road by morning. He suggested starting out at the Colorado location first. He had originally wanted to split up but after much protest by Dean, he gave in and decided to stick together. Even though they were warded, there was no need taking any chances.

Castiel already started packing a bag. He had a warm feeling when he folded some of his favorite 'Dean' shirts into his duffel, after holding them to his face for a few seconds, taking in the scent. He thought it was funny that neither of them had suggested buying Cas some new clothes. He didn't mind wearing Dean's and he could tell that Dean didn't mind it either. In fact, Cas thought Dean really got a kick out of seeing him in his jeans and flannels. He always greeted him with such an adorable smile when he would get dressed in the morning.

And Castiel loved the feeling of having Dean's scent all around him, at every second of the day.

The rest of the day, Dean spent more time with the Impala, adding last minute touches and paint and Sam made phone calls to the local police and morgue of the town they were headed to. He was getting his foot in the door, so to speak, so by the time they arrived, they could start the investigation fairly quickly.

By the next morning, they were all showered and ready. Dean grabbed Castiel's bag, along with his own and loaded up the car. Sam came out shortly after with his things as well. "I'll take the back," he said, smiling at Castiel.

"No, Sam, that's fine I can-"

"I insist. This way I can sprawl out and rest. I didn't sleep much last night anyway." He opened the rear-side door and climbed in, head first. "This backseat is as big as a couch!"

Castiel glanced up at Dean who was smiling and shaking his head. "You're shotgun, Cas," and he got behind the wheel and waited for Castiel to take his place in the passenger seat. As soon as Cas closed his door, Dean drove them out of the garage and onto the road.

The sun was just coming up over the horizon and it gave off such a magnificent hue of yellow. Castiel rolled down his window and breathed in the country air. It smelled like morning dew on freshly cut grass. He looked up to see the birds just waking up to start their day, and some animals were already running around the fields.

But the greatest site was the one right next to him. Dean, behind the wheel of the Impala, humming along to a song on the radio. He'd occasionally flash a smile at Cas, giving him butterflies. This was good. No, this was great. For the first time since what seemed like too long, Castiel felt as if things were back to normal. He's with the Winchesters, on their way to a job, in the Impala. The only difference was, Dean and Castiel were together. Really together.

Dean reached over and placed his hand in Castiel's, lacing their fingers together. He briefly glanced at Cas and winked. Butterflies again. Many many butterflies. Castiel glanced in the backseat to see Sam had already fallen asleep with his earbuds in. The drive was only about nine hours so Dean made it a point that he would drive the entire way, only stopping for gas and food.

Castiel felt himself drifting, and with the low sounds of the radio and Dean's hand in his, he fell asleep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel opened his eyes as Dean was pulling into the parking lot of Suzie's Diner. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, glancing briefly at Dean. Dean winked at him and flashed a small grin. "Time to eat," he said, pulling into a spot and turning the car off.

Dean turned around to Sam and hit his leg. "Wake up," he said, louder than he had to, causing Sam to jump. Sam looked around and then sighed at Dean.

"Dude," was all Sam could say as he tried to steady his breathing. Dean smiled wide and they all got out and made their way to the diner. It was late morning by now and Castiel's stomach rumbled as the pangs of hunger grew. He had skipped breakfast and he couldn't wait to eat.

Shortly after ordering their food, Sam, who was sitting opposite Dean and Cas, cleared his throat and smiled at them. "Guys, I just need to tell you… I think it's really cool."

Castiel tilted his head, as he usually does when he's not understanding what the other person is talking about. He glanced briefly at Dean who was sipping his coffee.

"Cool?" Castiel finally asked, since Dean wasn't saying anything.

"Yeah, you two, together. It's great," Sam said.

Castiel smiled, glancing at Dean again. He just stared at Sam, wide eyed. Castiel couldn't tell if Dean was embarrassed or shocked that Sam was so cool about everything. "Thanks, Sam. I'm not sure-" Castiel was now stuck in the position of either acknowledging that he and Dean were actually a couple, or denying that what they have is solid and possibly insulting Dean.

He wished Dean would just say something. Anything.

And then Dean placed his hand over Cas' and laced his fingers with his. "Thanks Sam. It  _is_  great, don't you think, Cas?" Dean grinned at Castiel.

Castiel felt a lump in his throat. Dean was actually holding his hand in public. Sure, around Sam he assumed it wasn't such a big deal, but now around strangers in a pretty crowded diner. "Y-yes, of course," Castiel choked out.

Sam shook his head, obviously aware of Castiel's awkwardness. "It's a long time comin', right? I mean, if I could tell you all the times I wanted to scream at you guys to just kiss already…" Sam sipped his coffee while smiling.

"S-so it was pretty obvious, then?" Castiel eyed Sam and then Dean.

"God, yes." Sam said, smiling at Dean who was now rolling his eyes.

Just then the waitress arrived with their food. Cas had ordered the pancakes with a side of bacon, remembering how much he had enjoyed it when Sam had made that for him. Dean ordered his usual eggs and sausage and Sam ordered an egg white omelet with a side of fruit. Dean called it the 'pussy meal'.

After breakfast, Dean drove them to the Zen Inn, the motel Sam had booked. Dean had made a few comments about the name as they drove up. He complained about it looking too new agey and by the looks of the man behind the desk, Dean was pretty much right.

He was a thin man, maybe in his late forties, wearing an outfit pretty similar to the one Cas was wearing in the future, according to Dean. Incense burned on the counter, reminding Castiel of India and the sound of some ethnic music played throughout the lobby.

"Really, Sam?" Dean said, as they got the room keys.

"What? It was the only place with two rooms available. I am  _not_  sharing a room with you two."

They bickered as they headed back outside and to their rooms. Castiel walked behind them, smiling, as this whole scene reminded him of the old days. Sam was off to his room, telling them to be ready in about an hour, that they had an appointment with the mortician.

Cas and Dean opened the door and Cas can almost hear Dean's eye roll. There was a buddha statue in one corner and a Ganesh statue in the other, with incense burning on some kind of alter. The bed was low to the ground and there was red and gold laced fabric hanging over it. The room was dimly lit and Castiel tried some of the lamps, only to find they were all very low wattage.

"This isn't so bad," Castiel said as he looked around.

Dean kicked his shoes off and sighed. "I guess not," he said as he picked up a bottle from the nightstand. He chuckled. " _Passion_  massage oil," and he shook his head and placed it back down.

Castiel raised an eyebrow. Maybe he and Dean could give each other massages later. He smiled at the idea and he felt his face heat up. Dean glanced at Castiel and smirked, he was pretty sure Dean was thinking the same thing.

After their showers, it was time to suit up. Castiel had borrowed a suit from Dean and as he looked at himself in the mirror, he was pleased. He was in a black suit, blue tie, and his tan trench coat. He hadn't seen himself dressed like this in a couple of weeks now and it actually felt pretty good.

He was also noticing that since his grace was slowly regenerating, his need to change clothes wasn't all that necessary. He could zap clean whenever he wanted. But a huge part of him still liked the showers and change of clothes, especially when those clothes were Dean's. Castiel did find it wonderful that he also felt the human sensations as if he had no grace at all. He had to admit that he was a little worried that when he was powered up again, his need to be intimate with Dean would cease.

He couldn't think about that now, especially with Dean staring at him like that.

"Jeez. I forgot all about your signature look," Dean said as he inched his way over to Cas.

Castiel looked down at himself and then back at Dean. "I kind of missed it."

Dean raised an eyebrow and pulled Castiel by the tie closer to him. "Me too." He kissed Castiel and wrapped the tie around his fist. He pulled them over to the bed and fell backward with Castiel on top of him, without breaking their kiss.

Dean flipped them over and he slid down Castiel's body. Castiel sat up with his legs hanging over the side of the bed as Dean moved to his knees. Dean fumbled with Castiel's belt and Castiel reached down, helping him with it until his belt and zipper were now undone.

Castiel felt himself harden as Dean slipped his hand in his boxers and pulled him out. He was suddenly reminded of that Destiel porno, but this was obviously a thousand times hotter. Dean took Castiel in his mouth and already had a good rhythm going. Castiel placed his hand on Dean's head and moved with him, pushing his hips back and forth. A throaty moan came from Dean and Castiel could feel the vibration against his cock and it made him even more stiff. Dean's hot mouth felt so good and when his tongue swirled around the tip, Castiel's body jerked.

"Mm Dean," Castiel said quietly, he wasn't even sure Dean heard it.

It felt incredible. Dean's heat on him, his hand at base, stroking a little as his mouth moved up and down the shaft. Cas felt the electric sensation each time he went deeper, the tip grazing Dean's tongue along the way. He wasn't going to last long and just like that, Castiel came hard in Dean's mouth, and Dean drank him down as if he was trying to quench a serious thirst. Dean kept his mouth around Castiel's cock as it softened and then Dean pulled away, looking up at Cas.

"I love how your cheeks turn pink right after you come."

Castiel grinned, stroking Dean's hair and looked down at him. "Yours do, too."

"Do they?" Dean was still smiling as he rose and sat on the bed next to Castiel. He kissed his cheek. "Never knew that."

Castiel began to close up his pants and he reached down, in between Dean's legs, wanting to repay the favor but Dean grabbed his hand and moved it off of him. "Later. That was… for you." He stood and reached into his duffel, picking up their fake IDs. "We need to go, anyway."

"Fine." Castiel sang, playfully.

They met Sam outside and Dean drove them to the hospital. They found the morgue fairly quickly and the coroner was still there, cleaning up. Sam led them in and after a few questions that pretty much led nowhere, the only conclusion they come up with was that five bodies had come in with the same infliction of having their insides turned to mush.

This information they already knew and the doctor denied any knowledge of a connection between the victims. So their next stop was the police station where they were meeting up with Sheriff Martin. Once they arrived, they were shown to the Sheriff's office and Sam and Dean both sat in the chairs opposite the desk as Cas stood behind them.

After a few minutes of casual small talk, Sam leaned in and spoke.

"Do you know if any of them victims had anything in common? Favorite place to eat, a church they attended?" Sam had his notepad out, pretending to be referencing it. Sheriff Martin shook his head and then he sighed.

"The only thing I could think of is that dang blood drive. Some lady showed up last week in some van sayin' she was from the Red Cross and asked for donations. Blood donations," he said while shoving a donut in his mouth.

Dean and Sam shared a look. "So, did all these victims donate blood?"

The Sheriff nodded. "Yeah, far as I could tell, but uh, a bunch others did too."

Dean's eyes widened. "Okay, can you give us some names?" He looked at Sam, silently reminding him to start writing this down.

The Sheriff gave them four more names that he remembered donating blood. He warned them that there could be more but he didn't stick around long enough to find out. He informed them that the nurse who was leading the blood drive had left without leaving a forwarding number.

The sheriff also didn't understand what any of it had to do with investigation, but he shrugged it off all the same.

The guys left the station and headed to the first name on the list. She was just a few blocks away and they were hoping she'd still be in one piece. A few ideas were tossed around that the djinn was trying to rack up a body count by getting willing donors.

The house was set back more than the others. There was a front gate that was securely locked. Dean looked at it suspiciously and with a few little clicks, he opened it. He glanced back at Sam and Cas before he headed to the front door. Castiel thought it was a little odd as well, seeing as this was the only house on the block to have such a secured gate around it.

When they reached the front door, Dean knocked. They stood for a few more seconds before they heard a voice on the other end. "Can I help you?"

Dean spoke, "Sorry to bother you, ma'am. I'm agent Hicks with the FBI." He held his badge up to the peephole that she was probably using to stare at them. "We need to ask you a few questions."

A rustling was heard on the other side and soon a click and then the door opened. This was Joan Wilson and she looked to be in her mid thirties, dark hair, and bright blue eyes. She was pretty attractive, as far as Castiel could tell. She moved to the side to allow the men to enter. Sam and Cas both held their badges as well, with Dean taking one quick look at Cas to make sure he was holding it up right.

She appeared very nervous, as she stood there grasping at the end of her sweater. "I already told everything I know to the police," she said, shakily.

Dean eyed Sam and his brow furrowed. "What did you tell the police, exactly? Do you know why we're here?"

The woman nodded.

"So, care to elaborate?" Dean asked her.

She swallowed, eyeing them all back and forth. Castiel could see beads of sweat begin to form on her forehead. There was something off about her that Castiel couldn't quite figure out. The women turned to Sam as he began asking more questions and Castiel kept his eyes locked on her. Her hair moved across her shoulder and he spotted a small needle mark. He thought that was an odd place for a nurse to draw blood from, but then he remembered it was last week that the blood drive occurred. His eyes widened.

"Where is it?" Cas asked her, cutting off Sam. He didn't bother to acknowledge the shocked expressions on Sam and Dean's faces, although he knew they were there.

"Wh-what?" she said, backing away.

"Cas, what are you-?" Dean stood in front of Cas with a look of utter confusion.

"Her neck, Dean. She's been feeding it."

Dean snapped his head around and peered closely. He walked over to her and moved her hair away. "Son of a-"

Just then a woman appeared at the top of the stairs, arms crossed. "Is this a special occasion? Do I get to taste all of you?" The woman said, obviously the nurse. Obviously the djinn.

It happened so fast, Castiel wasn't prepared. The djinn leaped all the way from the top step and into Sam, knocking him to the ground. Castiel rushed to Sam's aid but the djinn backhanded him, sending him flying across the room and into a glass armoire, shattering the panels around him.

Dean backed up, reaching for his silver blade that they had anointed with lamb's blood earlier, but his fingers were shaking so badly, he kept slipping past his belt. Castiel scanned the room and he saw that Sam was twitching on the floor.  _Oh god, she's poisoned him already._

Before Castiel could help Dean, she grabbed him by the neck and whispered something to him as her tattoos appeared and snaked down her arms and it wasn't long before Dean fell slowly to his knees. Castiel felt his adrenaline build as he bounced to his feet, shooting daggers at her with his eyes.

"Get away from him."

She laughed and licked her fingers. "Mmm. these boys are delicious. I can't wait to really taste their insides." She kicked Dean a few times around on the floor but all he could do is moan. His eyes were a milky white and Castiel knew he had been poisoned as well.

He made eye contact with Joan who apparently had been housing this djinn all week. The girl just stood in horror, unable to figure out what to do next.

"She will kill us all," Castiel yelled out, now trying to step closer to where Dean was. The djinn neared him, taking her time and flashing him a wicked smile. He remembered that Sam also had a blade that they had dipped in lamb's blood, and at that thought, he called out to Joan.

"Go into his back pocket. There's a blade, get it and throw it to me."

She did as he asked, shaking terribly the whole time. The djinn didn't appear concerned about the girl's activity as she drew closer to Castiel. He looked past her to Joan as she was pulling the blade out of Sam's pocket. She almost dropped it as she stood.

They made eye contact and Castiel gestured for her to throw it. In one second, the blade was in the air and in his hand. Before the djinn could react, he drove it right into her chest. She screamed, wailed, and then fell dead onto the floor.

At that moment, Sam and Dean woke up.

Castiel held out his hand for Dean and helped him to his feet and then he did the same for Sam. The woman was now crying and Castiel made his way over to her and patted her on the shoulder. "Thank you. You saved all of us."

She looked up at him and gave a small nod.

After a half hour of trying to calm the poor woman down, and congratulating her on being as brave as she was, they decided it was time to go. Cas watched Dean give her a small but detailed account of different types of monsters to beware of, and Joan , surprisingly took it well. After her experience, Castiel was sure she was now a believer of the paranormal.

They left the house and headed for the car. Dean and Sam were still getting their wits about them, so Castiel offered to drive them back to the motel.

"That was fast. I mean, first place we visit and BAM," Dean said as he staggered into the passenger seat.

Sam turned to him and sighed. "I'm happy it was that quick. Djinn are not my favorite monster to fight." He climbed into the backseat and slapped Castiel's arm before he laid down, using his jacket as a pillow. "Good going there, Cas. Look at you, no mojo and you still saved our asses."

Castiel grinned as he started the car. He glanced at Dean who was massaging his temples. "That's my guy," Dean said.

Castiel froze.  _His guy?_

 

 

* * *

 

 

The drive back was quiet. Castiel kept repeating Dean's words in his head and it was making him smile way more than he should be right after a run in with a djinn. He panicked once or twice thinking, " _Oh my god, did it get me too? Am I in some sort of fantasy world where Dean calls me 'his guy'?"_  but he knew he was not affected. He was still an angel and immune to their poison.

When they reached the motel, Sam denied needing help to his room. After Castiel studied him to make sure, he headed to his room with Dean. Inside, Dean stripped off his suit, carefully, wincing as he did so.

"Are you okay, Dean?" Castiel eyed him from head to toe.

"Yeah, just a little sore. My back and side a bit." Dean headed over to the shower. "Gonna take a hot shower, maybe it'll help."

Castiel followed him into the bathroom and undressed himself as well. Dean smiled at him as they stepped into the shower together. Castiel soaped up his hands and started washing Dean's back. Dean sighed at the touch and he leaned against his arm that was resting on the tile.

He had some cuts and what appeared to be new bruises that were starting to turn a reddish purple. Cas could hear Dean hiss a little as his hands moved across his ribs. "Sorry, I'll be more gentle."

"'S'okay." Dean turned around and kissed Cas on the lips.

"I just don't want to hurt you. She got you good," Castiel said as he ran his hands down Dean's lower back. He felt Dean smile against his cheek.

"Now  _you_  got me good," and he moved Cas' hand over to his dick.

Castiel chuckled. He started stroking Dean with his soapy hand, marveling at the sensation of feeling him grow in his hand. Dean's heavy breath warmed Castiel's neck as he tongued the area right under Cas' ear. He moved his other hand to Dean's ass and squeezed, causing Dean to moan. His hands slid easily across his skin and he ran his fingers in the crease of Dean's ass, then back up.

Dean met Cas' lips and kissed him passionately, moving his hips, forcing his erection to move inside Cas' closed fist. Castiel let his fingers explore Dean and then, without saying a word, he slipped a finger inside him. Dean inhaled, sharply and pulled his head back.

They made eye contact when Castiel began to move his finger in and out slowly and he watched Dean's eyelids droop. "F-fuck, that feels good, Cas," Dean whispered.

"Let's take this to the bed," Castiel suggested.

They stepped out of the shower and Dean toweled them both off. He took the lead to the bed and fell down, exhausted. He made a small sound as he did so, probably landing on a bruised area, to which Castiel just shook his head.

Dean leaned up on his elbows, but Castiel pushed him back down, gently. He reached over for the massage oil and poured some into his hand. "Relax. I think you're in need of a massage."

With a watchful eye, Cas started to spread some of the oil on Dean's chest. He went over his anti possession tattoo and then across to his shoulders, massaging his biceps. He kept one hand on his left bicep and stared at it for a while, remembering his hand mark that used to be there.

Dean's soul still bore the mark, it just wasn't visible on his flesh anymore, but that hand print was permanently burned onto Dean's soul. It was eternal. Castiel chuckled to himself realizing that his grace and Dean's soul was, is, and forever shall be connected.

Dean kept his eyes closed as Castiel moved his hands back to his chest, then down to his stomach. He skipped past his groin and moved to his shins. Dean's skin was so smooth, Castiel had to remind himself that this man has been to hell and back, he's been stabbed and punched, you name it, and he was still so beautifully preserved.

Of course that could mainly be due to Castiel healing him a thousand times already. He smiled at that thought.

He dug his fingers deep into Dean's thigh muscles and brought them up, massaging up to his inner thigh. Dean was toned and there didn't seem to be an ounce of fat on him other than the little pockets around his belly and waist. Castiel thought it had been a miracle by the way Dean eats that he looked this good.

He then slid his palms under Dean's balls and up over his cock. He watched as Dean grew hard and it was making him sweat a little. Dean was just ultimately gorgeous. To have such an amazing soul and be blessed with this God-like body, no wonder women threw themselves at him. It seemed everywhere they went, some random girl was handing him her number. It didn't make Cas jealous  _anymore_  because he could clearly see that Dean would never really be interested.

He couldn't remember the last time Dean had been with a woman, since the porn star and that was, well, a bucket list kind of thing, as Sam described it. He said the piece of toast Dean was eating meant more to him than she did. On one hand, Castiel thought it was funny how little Dean thought of his conquests with women, and on the other hand, it kind of made Dean look like an asshole. That was then, this is now. Now, Castiel had Dean's hard dick in his hand and he was jerking him off.

Dean let out soft little moans while Castiel stroked him. Then he climbed up Dean's body and whispered in his ear, "Turn over."

Dean did so, without opening his eyes. He brought his arms up over his head and rested his cheek on the pillow. Castiel went to work on his back and shoulders, pressing his palms and thumbs into the muscle. He worked his way slowly down his back, over his ass, then to his thighs, bringing his hands back up in one move.

Dean was liking this. His breathing had calmed and Castiel thought he spotted drool out of this side of his mouth. He reached over and poured more oil in his hands and spread it out over his back. Castiel's eyes took in every inch of Dean. He marveled at the sight. Every part of him needed attention and he wanted to lay his hands everywhere.

Cas brought his hands back to Dean's thighs and moved his legs apart. He looked up at Dean who was lying still with his eyes closed. He gently pressed his fingers against Dean's ass and then slid them in between his cheeks. Cas brought both hands to this task, and with one, he began to massage Dean's balls. With the other, he rubbed Dean's opening until one finger slid in easily. With a raspy moan, Dean lifted his head. He relaxed and set his head back down on the pillow and closed his eyes.

Castiel moved one finger in and out, slowly and soon inserted another one. Dean writhed a bit and moved his hips, agreeing to the feeling. Castiel was extremely hard and throbbing now as he watched his fingers disappear into Dean so easily, it was making him crazy. He wondered if Dean would let him inside. Oh, just the thought of him inside Dean made his head spin. He would also love to give Dean the pleasure he had given him in the shower that day. Being stroked and fucked was something he'd never forget.

He slipped his fingers out and slithered his way up Dean's body, bringing his mouth to Dean's ear.

"Can I…" Castiel choked, now a little nervous about asking this of Dean. This would be something entirely new for him and he wasn't sure if Dean would really be okay with it.

Dean turned his head on the pillow to Cas. "You want to?"

Castiel nodded.

"Then, yeah. Just uh, be gentle with me, tiger," Dean said with a smile.

Castiel kissed him and turned Dean a little on his side so that he was only partly on his stomach. Castiel positioned himself behind Dean and he continued to play with his ass again, sliding a finger in and opening him up. Castiel was shaking when he took himself in his hand and safely guided himself toward Dean's opening.

This was a huge deal for Dean. He was trusting him, letting Castiel inside, and that was saying so much to the angel, he felt himself near tears.

He grabbed Dean's shoulder and moved his face to his neck, kissing him tenderly. Cas brought his cock in between Dean's ass cheeks.

" _Here goes_ " he thought.

He guided the tip in. Dean inhaled and hummed as he exhaled. Castiel moved in a little deeper. He was so slow, so gentle, he didn't want to hurt Dean. But oh God, the feeling was incredible. He sunk deeper and all he could feel is that tight warmth all around it, squeezing, massaging. He was going to come and he was worried that if he moved any faster, it would be over way too soon.

Dean reached behind him and grabbed Castiel's ass, pushing him against him even more.

"Yeah, Cas," he said in a husky voice.

Castiel picked up the pace, but only a little because the throbbing made the head so sensitive, he was about to explode. He rested his lips against Dean's cheek and kissed him. Castiel wrapped both arms now around him and he took Dean's cock in his hand, stroking him as he moved inside of him.

"Dean," Castiel choked as he came. It was too fast, too soon but he couldn't help it and he was shooting now into him, and it felt like he came a river. He thought he'd be drained, but he remained hard and he just kept pumping harder now, with his come making it more slippery and wet. Dean moaned Cas' name, making Castiel's heart skip a beat.

" _Oh, when he says my name..."_

Castiel pounded Dean, causing a loud slapping noise and Dean moaned louder when he came in Cas' hand, the warm liquid dripping over his fingers. The feeling of his walls clenching around him as Dean came caused the angel to cry out. Castiel felt himself building toward orgasm again and with a few more thrusts, he came for a second time, inside Dean.

Castiel had his chest up against Dean's back while kissing his ear. He closed his arms around him, burying his face in the back of Dean's neck and he hugged him hard, Dean had cried out a little. Cas was reminded that Dean was still injured so he eased up and began kissing his neck again. He just didn't want to let him go. He wanted to keep Dean this close to him forever.

They both relaxed and as Cas slipped out, Dean turned to face him. "That was, wow," Dean said as he tried to catch his breath. Castiel inhaled and let out a long sigh as he rested his head on Dean's chest. He closed his eyes and listened to Dean's rapid heartbeat.

"That was okay?" Castiel asked him, unsure if he was up to par, suddenly remembering he had asked April the same thing.

Dean chuckled. "Uh yeah…" He lifted his head off of the pillow to kiss Castiel on the top of his head. "I never thought I'd  _ever_  do that, you know… but with you, I don't know," Dean drew in a breath and Castiel could hear his heart speed up a bit. "With you, everything just seems so perfect. So natural, like a perfect fit, you know?"

Castiel lifted his head off of Dean's chest and his lips curled into a tiny smile. "Yes. I know exactly what you mean." He rested his head back down and was showered with more small kisses.

"Do you remember when I told you that I saw your true form, that day in the bunker?"

Castiel lifted his head to meet Dean's eyes. "Yes."

Dean slid out from under Castiel and turned to his side, taking Castiel's head in his hands. He kissed his forehead and then his lips. "I was about to tell you that it was the first time I realized something," he paused, "It was when I knew I was in love with you."

Dean's mouth was trembling, and he was trying to smile. Castiel kissed him and wrapped his arm around Dean's waist. Castiel understood how momentous this occasion was. For Dean to not only realize something like that while being a demon was a miracle in and of itself, but for him to also now be vocalizing it.

The feeling of came easy for Dean, for he was so full of heart, it could be considered too easy sometimes. But for him to actually say it, to admit it, is not something Dean had ever felt comfortable with. Castiel too, had never had the nerve to say those words to him, or anyone.

This was also new territory for Cas. He loved people, sure. He loved Sam. He loved Claire. He loved Bobby, and even Kevin and Charlie in his own way. But with Dean, it wasn't just the love of family that he had. It had grown into a miraculous energy that consumed his very essence. This was the love of soul-mates and Castiel had started to become aware that he and Dean were meant to fall in love. It had been written in the stars and no matter how many times they changed their destiny and changed the rules,  _this_  never did. This was constant. This was inevitable.

Dean continued, taking a deep shaky breath before speaking, "Well, it's kind of hard to explain but, it was when I realized I had always been. Like, I just knew. I just didn't understand what I was seeing and I… I guess I'd always been in love." His eyes turned down and Castiel searched them so he would look at him again.

"That's... " Castiel was speechless. There was so much he wished he could say but nothing seemed to be able to make it past his lips. Instead, he felt tears in his eyes and they started to fall down his cheeks. Dean's eyes grew wide and he tried to wipe some of Cas' tears away with his thumb.

"Aw, Cas, you're-"

New ground, new revelations, new everything and Castiel was at a loss as to how to behave. Was he Dean's boyfriend? Were they lovers in secret? Do they go on dates? Castiel had never been in a relationship, human or angel, and he was beginning to feel completely inexperienced.

"Dean, to be honest, I have no idea what's happening. I don't know what we're doing," Castiel moved closer to Dean so that their bodies touched. "I'm not good at this."

Dean smiled and continued to wipe Cas' tears from under his eyes. "Neither am I. Maybe we just take it one step at a time, you know, be how we always are. Just closer."

Castiel nodded. Dean continued, "I just know that in this past year, despite all the crap, some things just started to make sense. Things became more clear, in my head and my heart." The last part he said in almost a whisper.

He continued, "And I tried so damned hard…" Dean's voice cracked. "So fucking hard, Cas, to keep that fucking mark at bay. I tried-" Now Dean had tears in his eyes and Castiel could tell he was fighting them back.

"Dean, it's okay. I know."

"You and Sam, you guys played a big part in holding me back. I think it could have been a hell of a lot worse if… if you guys weren't around." Dean inhaled. "I'll never get over what I did though. To you and Sam."

"Dean…"

"It was this inner battle. I wanted to just kill everything in my way, then I would feel that love and it would hold me back, then the rage would take over again, and I swear Cas, I felt almost like a schizophrenic. Like a fucking Jekyll and Hyde!"

Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean and brought his head to his chest. He couldn't tell if Dean was sobbing or just breathing erratically, but he made sure to hold him and kiss him and comfort him. He wanted Dean to feel his love all around him.

"We made it and we're here now," Castiel said, against Dean's head.

They didn't say anything else for the rest of the night. He let Dean fall asleep in his arms and it was not long before Castiel's eyes grew heavy as well. He tried to watch some tv, at a very low volume to allow Dean to sleep but nothing piqued his interest. They planned on leaving for Oklahoma at first light, so he figured sleep was necessary now.

He clicked the tv off and sunk deeper into the bed, still holding Dean close to him. He thought about the bunker and their fight and even though it hurt, he saw that glimpse of love in Dean's eyes. It had always been there, even when Dean had thought he couldn't possibly have felt it.


	11. Chapter 11

It had been a solid eleven hour drive to Taloga, Oklahoma. Dean drove the entire way only stopping once for gas. Castiel was glad they had decided to get this one particular job finished quickly, packing snacks and water to eliminate the need to stop to eat. Being on the road wasn't at all what it used to be for Cas. Although his grace was regenerating and he was feeling more and more powerful each day, he was still cut off from Heaven, therefore those pesky human habits were still a factor.

There was still the hunger that he had to deal with. Not as much, but he did feel the need to eat at least twice a day, along with replenishing himself with liquids. He still needed sleep and the occasional restroom visit. A long sigh escaped him when he thought about him and Dean. He was still able to appreciate  _that_  part of his humanity. He had to admit that the fear of losing that desire or even ability to become aroused grew each day, yet it had not even been an issue.

His body was still reacting to Dean as it had when he was first drained of his mojo, Dean's lips on his, their bodies grinding in that hot, sweaty and slick way. Dean's tongue all over him, inside him, exploring Castiel like he was something new and exciting.

It  _was_  new and exciting. Their love may have been there for years, but now that they were allowing each other to feel it, show it, and most of all, relish in it, it brought it to an unexplored realm for them. He was astonished that even as an angel, he could feel this way. There was nothing holding him back like before. He believed that Dean had broken down an invisible barrier that surrounded Castiel his entire life. He was free to feel how he wanted.

Looking at their lives now, it was a miracle they had been able to come this far, and now, on the road, doing a job as they had for many years, Castiel felt lucky to have been given the chance to be in the Winchester's life.

Dean and Sam didn't bother with the formalities of questioning the local law enforcement or coroners. They knew this was a vamp case and finding the nest wasn't going to be a challenge. In Dean's words, this would be a 'wham bam thank you ma'am' type of hunt, to which Castiel assumed meant they would be in and out quickly.

Dean drove up to the only dilapidated house in the area and he gave Sam a raised eyebrow. Soon they were all climbing out of the car, loading up with guns and machetes and sneaking up to the front. Dean made a gesture for Cas and Sam to hang back as he stepped carefully to the front window. He peaked in and another second later, moved his head towards the house, motioning for them to move forward.

As they all huddled together, Dean held up his free hand. He silently said "One" with one finger up, then the second, then on the third, he kicked down the door. Castiel stuck close behind him, as Sam moved to the left and made his way toward a closed door. The room they were in was empty but it clearly looked like people were squatting there, due to the half melted candles on the window sill and the stench of blood, everywhere.

Dean made a face as if someone had slapped him with the most foul smelling fish and he turned to Castiel. "Wait here."

Dean slipped quietly into the adjoining room and soon after, there was a commotion. Castiel rushed to where Dean had gone and his eyes widened when he saw Dean on the ground with what appeared to be a vampire on top of him. Castiel lunged at the vamp, throwing him off of Dean. Dean bounced to his feet and gave Castiel a smile and a nod before grabbing the vamp and pushing him against the wall with his arm pressed hard against his neck.

"How many are you?" Dean asked him.

The vampire had long black hair and was wearing a dirty t-shirt with a flannel tied around his waist. He reminded Castiel of some of the homeless men he'd encountered during his days of wandering the streets in a new human body. He didn't seem like much of a threat, probably newly made, if he had to guess and watching Dean detain him in this way reminded Cas that there were certain parts of him that remained consistent. The way he hunted and fought was always met with raw aggression. Dean hated evil. He despised monsters, and watching his interactions with them made that very clear.

"Why would I tell you?" The vamp hissed. Dean pressed his arm harder against the vampire's windpipe until he started to gasp. "Okay, okay." Dean let up a little. "There's one in the room. Just one. It's just me and my brother. We're just hungry man, we didn't mean to-"

Dean decapitated him.

"Okay, thanks," Dean said to the headless husk.

Dean turned to Castiel and motioned for him to follow. They reached the room where Sam had gone in and he had already taken care of the problem. Sam, breathing heavily now, said, "Is it just me or have these last two jobs been too-"

"Easy," Dean finished.

 

 

They didn't bother sticking around. As soon as they cleared that vamp nest, they were on the road. Sam and Dean talked for most of the way home about their suspicions as to why these last two jobs had been too quick, too easy. Dean suggested that they were just  _that_  good. After dealing with fallen angels, Abaddon, the Mark of Cain, and even Cain himself, these small jobs were just that,  _small._

Castiel could see his point, although Sam was more sceptical and he repeated that something just didn't feel right. Something in his bones. Usually when either Sam or Dean said that, Castiel took it seriously, for they were pretty good at detecting foul play or when anything was askew. It was their natural instinct as hunters. Castiel was amused at the fact, though, that sometimes when one felt it, the other didn't. That was why, he assumed, they made such a great team.

They reached the bunker by evening and settled in for the night. After pizza and beer Cas and Dean headed for Dean's room to relax and maybe watch some movies on Dean's laptop, or just talk, or…

Dean changed into sweats after his shower and hopped onto his bed, opening the laptop. Cas stood at the foot of the bed and watched Dean as he sprawled out across the mattress. He didn't join him at first, he just stared and marveled at how beautiful he was. The way his hair looked when it was wet and messy, and how his eyelashes sparkled, his soft red lips, puckered and sweet enough to devour. Castiel's eyes move to Dean's chest and his soft, worn out t-shirt that he liked to wear to bed, and the way his thighs looked in the sweat pants, they were baggy but he could make out the tone of Dean's muscle underneath.

Castiel noticed he had beads of sweat forming on his forehead. He was completely aroused, just at the site of Dean doing his normal thing and that made his heart speed up. No, his grace wasn't inhibiting his attraction to Dean. Not at all. He knew he could just reach out and touch his green eyed hunter, but instead he slipped his hand down his own pants and started stroking himself. It was like watching Dean from afar, and a certain excitement rose in him, imaging watching him and jerking off as if they hadn't been together yet. Like this was something taboo and Castiel could be a voyeur, pleasuring himself while staring at his hot Dean Winchester.

Dean looked up at Castiel and his eyebrows rose. He was about to say something but Cas interrupted him. "Touch yourself," Castiel said, low and husky. Dean was frozen for a few seconds and then his hand moved under his sweats.

"I want to see," Cas said, eyeing Dean's sweatpants.

Dean had this remarkable look on his face. It was intense, but shy at the same time. He pulled down his pants to reveal himself and he resumed stroking. Castiel licked his lips and backed up into the desk chair opposite the bed. He pulled himself out as well and rubbed his palm across the length before wrapping his fingers around it.

They watched each other jerking off and Castiel could feel his body heat up as if it was on fire. Dean's face was flushed and his eyes flickered between Cas' face and his hand. Castiel imagined this was how Dean looked when he would do this in private, and that made Castiel stiffen even more. Suddenly Dean was sliding off the bed and moving toward Castiel. He leaned over and kissed him hard on the mouth.

"Jesus, you're so fucking hot."

Dean grabbed Castiel by the shoulders, lifting him off of the chair and he turned him around, pressing him against the desk. Dean kissed the back of Cas' neck as he yanked his pants down. He got on his knees and began kissing Cas' thighs and ass. Castiel moaned and he felt Dean's hands spreading his legs as Dean moved to his ass and parted his cheeks. He felt something warm and wet and he realized it was Dean's tongue.

"Oh God, Dean," Castiel choked.

Dean's tongue circled at the opening and just inside a bit. Castiel felt his head swim at this incredible feeling. Dean's tongue moved around back to his ass cheeks and now to his lower back, then eventually up to his neck. He pressed his swollen head just a little inside Castiel, making him jump a little.

Dean was kissing him now with raw power as he went in deeper. He pressed his hands against Cas' back, bending him over more. Castiel grabbed either side of the desk as Dean picked up the pace, pounding him a little harder now. Dean's hands gripped Cas' hips and he moved faster, grunting and moaning.

He felt Dean come when the hunter cried out loudly before letting out an exasperated sigh. He slowed down, thrusting a few more times to empty himself out and then he slipped out of him and turned Castiel around by the shoulders. They kissed as Dean took hold of Castiel's cock and began stroking it.

"Come for me, Cas," Dean whispered as he gazed into Castiel's eyes. Dean jerked him harder and faster and Castiel was so close when Dean dropped to his knees and ran the tip of his tongue from his balls and up the underside of his shaft to his throbbing head.

At the first touch of Dean's warm tongue against the tip, Castiel came. He wasn't completely in Dean's mouth, as Dean's tongue circled the tip while he jerked Castiel through his orgasm. Castiel watched as he shot his nectar all over Dean's tongue and lips and it was the hottest thing he'd ever seen. Castiel's knees went weak and he slid to the floor. Dean wrapped him in his arms, tightly and Castiel heard him chuckle.

"That was so hot," Dean said against Cas' cheek.

Castiel hugged him back, resting his head against Dean's shoulder now. "It was."

They eventually made it back to the bed and decided to stay up for maybe one more episode of Game of Thrones, yet they were asleep before the second scene.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel knew he should be chipping in on the search for Gabriel, but he had made up his mind to finally get that picture of himself, Dean, Sam, and Charlie printed and framed for the bunker. This place needed some good memories, even if it  _was_  bittersweet.

Sam had shown him how to save pictures from a cell to a flash drive so with Dean's permission, Cas grabbed Dean's phone and searched through the photos until he found the one he'd been looking for. He inserted the flash drive and saved the picture onto it. Castiel paused for a moment, smiling at the four of them. He missed Charlie. They had all seemed really happy there. It was the calm before the storm, for shortly after this night, Castiel was teaming up with Sam to start on the cure.

A slight shiver ran down his spine and he shook it off as he reached over the table and grabbed the keys to the Impala. Dean had agreed to let him take the car to town and as he was about to leave, he heard Dean's phone go off. It was a short beep, indicating a new message. Castiel knew it should be okay to look, just in case it was something important. He looked around first to see if Sam or Dean were nearby, to maybe let them know there was a new message on Dean's phone, but they weren't.

Castiel shrugged and picked up his phone. He noticed a new message from a number 666. Must be Crowley so it might be important. Castiel opened the message and the text read " _Feeling nostalgic"._ Castiel's forehead creased as he scrolled through the message as photos starting loading onto it. One was of Dean and a blonde haired woman, they were in bed together and it appeared she was eating something off of Dean's stomach.  _Interesting._ Another photo loaded and it was now of Crowley with the same woman, and he was kissing her. He was clearly naked, she was in just her bra and panties. Castiel felt ashamed now, this was clearly not meant for his eyes but just as he was about to put the phone down, another picture loaded and it was of Dean… and Crowley.

Castiel's eyes widened. "What the hell?" he said aloud, not caring now if Sam or Dean walked in. The photo was taking a little longer to load but he could clearly see Dean and Crowley and Dean was smirking while Crowley was looking at Dean. Then when the rest came into view, Castiel gasped. Dean was naked, Crowley had his hand around Dean's dick and the back of the blonde's head was at crotch level of Crowley, obviously sucking him off.

Castiel's face was hot and his heart was thumping so loudly, he could hear feel it in his ears. He wanted to throw the phone across the room. He wanted to also punch Crowley in the face. He should talk to Dean about this. Ask him what it was all about. Maybe they were just kidding around, taking this silly pictures for no apparent reason.

He looked at the phone again, trying really hard to peel his eyes away from seeing Crowley's hand around Dean's dick. He then squinted, staring at Dean's face. Dean seemed so different. This had to be when he was still a demon. It had to be. Just then, another photo popped up. This one made Castiel want to vomit. This was not a joke, for in this photo, Crowley was clearly sucking off Dean.

"Oh my god," Castiel whispered. It took all the strength in him not to destroy this phone. Instead he set it down gently next to the laptop and slowly backed away from it. He wanted to punch something, preferably Crowley's smug face. He wanted to scream at Dean, ask him what in the hell was he thinking fooling around with the King of Hell.

He couldn't have been thinking. Dean was a demon and demons have a different view on sex and gender. They don't particularly care. Castiel almost chuckled at the thought that angels really don't care either. Not that angels normally go around having sex with humans, but the fact that they are truly without gender had made them indifferent to sexual orientation. Of course angels' and demons' approach to sex was completely different. While angels do not have a preference because they're celestial beings, demons do not have a preference because, well, sex is sex. They will take it any which way they can and want.

Castiel did calm down a tad, realizing that this was demon Dean and he shouldn't be upset at him. He wasn't exactly sure why Crowley would decide now, of all times, to send Dean these photos. As Castiel headed out of the bunker, a new wave of paranoia came over him.  _What if they were still interested in each other? What if there have been more of these texts all year?_

No. Impossible. It was evident that Dean wanted nothing to do with Crowley and suddenly Castiel realized something. He had been blatantly letting Crowley know that it was over between them all year, that there was no more " _them"_  and Castiel had assumed he just meant their weird friendship, but Dean was probably talking about that sexual fling they obviously had. It started to all come together now. Crowley couldn't get over Dean. Crowley was probably in love with Dean.

Holy shit.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The entire drive there, all Castiel could think about were those pictures. He tried to convince himself that being jealous was ridiculous and completely unfair to Dean. Dean wasn't himself. Should he blame Dean for everything he had done whilst being a demon? Still, the nagging feeling that it  _did_  happen caused some sort of fury in him. He prayed it would go away before he had to face Dean again. An argument over this was something he would like to avoid.

It wasn't like Castiel was blind to Dean's extracurricular activities over the years. Although it would be sort of a downer for Cas, he had no real claim on Dean. Dean wasn't his, in that regard. Dean had an appetite and he often needed to feed it. Sure, seeing Dean with anyone else, especially after all that has happened between them in the last weeks, cut like a knife. Even if it was in the past, what bothered Castiel the most was, this was Crowley. Fucking Crowley, of all people to have had a taste of Dean… The signs were there. Castiel should have picked up on them. It was probably just too preposterous to even consider.

He made it to the frame shop and pushed all those thoughts deep enough to feel secure they wouldn't come up for air any time soon. The lovely woman in the shop was happy to print the photo on their finest photo quality paper and she showed Castiel the wall of frames he could choose from. He chose a nice cherry wood which he felt would look perfect in the bunker. While he waited for them to finish, his phone vibrated. He looked down and saw that Dean had texted him.

 **" _Hope all is going well and that you didn't drive baby into a tree!"_  **, and he finished it with a smiley emoticon.

Castiel grinned, and he realized right then and there that he'd been too harsh about this Crowley business. He was sure Dean carried that knowledge of what he'd done like a bag of rocks on his back. The last thing he needed was for a jealous boyfriend to nag him about his past love affairs.

A warm feeling filled him at the thought of himself as  _Dean's boyfriend._  He  _was_  his. This was what boyfriends were, right? This wasn't just sex. They were in love. They have been in love for so long, Castiel kind of felt that he'd been his boyfriend since the start. His smile grew even wider at that thought.

He texted Dean back,  **" _Waiting for framing. Be home soon. I love you."_** And Castiel added a little smiley emoticon with heart eyes. He liked this one and hadn't been able to use it yet for anything. He could picture Dean's eyeroll at seeing the silly thing.

 **" _I love you 2,"_** Dean responded ten seconds later. Castiel must have been smiling the entire time because the sales lady came out and tapped him on the shoulder, saying, "You have the look of love there, mister."

Castiel glanced up at her. She was holding up the framed photo for him to see before she wrapped it up. It looked wonderful in that frame and he felt a little proud for choosing such a perfect one. He smiled at Sam's goofy grin and Dean's smirk that crept up the side of his face, and Charlie bending in front of them, holding out her hands and her wide smile that was probably one of the most adorable things he'd ever seen. Then his eyes stopped on himself. He was standing next to Dean and he had his usual slight smile. Castiel had always found it odd to see himself in pictures or in mirrors. While he knew he was not Jimmy anymore, it still gave him a strange sensation to see himself in a human vessel.

This was the vessel Dean fell in love with. These were the eyes Dean looked at, and the lips Dean kissed. He wondered if he'd ever have to find a new vessel, would Dean feel the same. Of course Dean mentioned seeing a version of Castiel's true form and that was when he had realized he'd always been in love with him. So maybe the vessel wasn't really what Dean loved, it's what Castiel was made of. Castiel smiled, knowing that it was exactly how he felt about Dean. Sure, Dean was easy on the eyes, but his soul was what pulled Castiel to him. His soul that he saved from Hell and fell in love with.

And every time he looked at Dean, he saw that soul. Every time. Each kiss, each embrace, he still saw that radiance behind his eyes.

He paid the saleswoman and she wrapped it in brown paper and set it gently into a cardboard box. Castiel walked out of the store, excited to see the look on Sam and Dean's faces when he showed them. He figured he'd just hang it up in the main room, near the place where the picture was taken and then he'd call them over to see it.

As he made his way to the car, a sudden gush of wind hit him from behind, it almost made him lose balance. He was filled with a familiar vibration and he quickly turned around to see Hannah and two other angels, whom he didn't know. Hannah was in the male vessel now, the same one that he wore a few months back. The steely look in his eyes chilled Castiel to the bone.

"Hannah?" Castiel said.

"Hello Castiel," he said coldly.

The other angels towered over Hannah and when he met their hard stares, he swallowed. "Why have you come here?" Castiel frowned when Hannah sighed as if Castiel should already know the answer.

The two angels advanced toward him. Castiel stepped back, now leaning against the car. "What do you want?" he asked them and then glared at Hannah.

"Castiel, please don't make this harder than it has to be. You need to come with us. You need to answer for your charges."

His breath felt like it had been knocked out of him and his heart was beating so fast, he was afraid his chest would burst. "Charges? Hannah, I'm cut off from heaven. I no longer adhere to your rules."

Hannah crossed his arms and shook his head, making a clicking sound with his tongue. "This isn't a choice, Castiel. You can come peacefully or we will take you by force. Choose wisely."

Castiel wanted to punch him, no kill him. No, he shouldn't think about killing fellow angels, but this was unfair. He remembered when he used to be just like this, showing up out of the blue to round up angels who had disobeyed. He did it to Anna. He guessed these were his just rewards.

But he wouldn't go without a fight so when the two goons moved even closer to him, their hands out ready to grab him, he felt his angel blade next to his wrist. He was still an angel. A weak one, but an angel nonetheless and he'd put this blade through their hearts if he had to.

It wasn't the goons who ended up getting to Castiel. It was Hannah. In a quick move, he was in front of Castiel, inches from his face. He held his hand up and placed it on Castiel's head. He felt the two angels pull at his arms and then he heard his blade drop and when Cas looked down at his other hand, the impala keys, his phone, and the framed photo, fell to the ground.

His face was now on fire and his heated pulse was coursing through his veins like a fierce current. "Hannah, please. We were friends once. We helped each other-"

His words faded as Hannah zapped them out of the parking lot and to a stoney thick door that was almost hidden against a wall. He looked around, though, while confused at what was happening, he knew exactly where they were. Heaven's prison.

The next thing he knew, he was being thrown in the cell, right after they handcuffed him with this special cuffs that rendered him completely powerless. They locked the barred door and Hannah gestured for the two angels to leave. He turned to Castiel and had finally showed a hint of emotion.

"Castiel, I am sorry about this, but," he paused and placed a hand on one of the bars, wrapping his fingers around it. "If we let you get away with your crimes, what example will that leave for the other angels. They will assume it's okay to disobey, rewrite destiny, among all the other terrible things you've done."

Castiel rose to his feet and glared hard at him. "What about all the good things Hannah? I've stopped Raphael, I trapped Metatron, I-"

"You set him free, again Castiel. What was the point of all of this? You enrolled a person who'd been in Heaven to help you break out Metatron, who, in fact, escaped your hold as well. Castiel, you were reckless and all for what? Dean Winchester? He has done nothing but corrupt you in  _every way possible."_ That last part, he'd given Castiel a strange look.

"Leave me," Castiel hissed.

"Castiel, I just-"

"LEAVE ME!" he shouted and turned away from Hannah, not wanting to see his face. He heard him leave and then he relaxed on the stone bench in the corner. This was terrible. He was going to be punished for crimes he'd committed that were all to make things better, in one way or another.

Except slaughtering all those human and angels years back.

But they knew it wasn't really him. He was full of all those souls of monsters in him, all those dregs of Purgatory, and it was almost like he was possessed. He remembered not even having one clear thought as Castiel back then. His mind had been clouded with thousands of voices and screams, all at once, deafening him to all reason and logic.

He tried to count all of his sins now. If they were to punish him for each one, Castiel was never going to get out of here. He will rot. Then another thought came to him. The Darkness. They might know it was his fault and if they do, they will most likely kill him.

Castiel scooted back on the bench with his back against the wall. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. All he could think about was Dean. He was sure Dean was going to start worrying when Castiel didn't return and go out of his mind trying to find him. He wished he could just tell him where he was, and that he was going to try and escape, the first change he got.

This was bad. Really bad. He remembered Jolie and another chill ran down his spine, making him tremble. If they were to do that to Castiel, he'd rather just be killed. He couldn't imagine the pain of having his wings removed, let alone having to live for the rest of his life as a wingless angel.

That idea caused the bile in his stomach to rise.

He closed his eyes and did everything he could to think about something else. He reached into his mind to pull out a nice memory of Dean. He thought of many years ago when they had just escaped the muscled bouncers of the brothel, and Dean was laughing so hard at Castiel, he remembered actually laughing himself. When Dean smiled, his whole face lit up. It didn't happen often enough, Castiel remembered thinking that as they piled back into the Impala.

Dean was still chuckling as they drove back to the abandoned house where Raphael was about to show up in. The drive there was special, though. He recalled a certain giddiness and lightheartedness between them. Dean turned on the radio and sang along and he'd look at Cas, still wearing that huge grin. There was so much between them at that point. So many unspoken feelings, he often wondered what would have happened if they had revealed those feelings then?

He was pretty sure Dean hadn't even come to grips with it at that point in their lives. For Dean, one night stands were easy because he didn't have to think about it once he was done. With real love, however, Dean was an 'all in' kind of guy. Castiel could tell that about him. He knew that what he had with Dean was a forever kind of deal. Dean would want to hold on to Castiel for eternity. He'd probably always had.

And now Dean was probably worried sick. He just wished he could reach out and touch him, tell him he was okay, tell him he loved him, and at that thought, Castiel felt the tears fall from his eyes and down his cheeks.


	12. Chapter 12

Dean checked his watch again for the hundredth time and he was getting worried. It had been a couple of hours since Cas had texted him from the frame store, which was only about a half hour drive away. He looked at his phone about a hundred times as well, waiting for a text back, but nothing came. He marched into the kitchen to find Sam making a sandwich.

"Have you heard from Cas?"

Sam turned his head and raised his eyebrows. "He's not back yet?"

Dean's heart started to beat faster. "No. He's been gone way too long, Sam."

It was possible that Cas had decided to go somewhere else. Maybe he wanted to check out another shop, pick up some food, maybe look for some new clothes. Yes, all possibilities, but then why wouldn't he have texted or called? He was quick to respond at Dean's first text, and that was why Dean was panicking now.

Something happened to him. He could feel it in his gut. There was a strong possibility that a dark angel may have gotten to him. Cas wasn't all powered up yet. He was not nearly as strong as he could be and now, just the thought of him in trouble had Dean sweating.

"Something's not right here, Sam."

Sam nodded and stopped what he was doing to turn to his distressed brother. "I agree. It's not like Cas. At least, not the current Cas," Sam said, shaking his head.

The old Cas, sure, he'd pop up here and there, disappear for weeks on end without a single word. He'd ignore their prayers and then he would reappear as if everything was completely normal. But that was not Cas now. Especially now that he and Dean have…

Dean sat down, scrubbed his face, and then looked back at Sam. "We gotta go find him. Let's check out the frame place first."

Sam agreed. Dean picked up his phone, just to be sure Cas hadn't texted him while they were talking and that was when he came across the older texts from Cas, and then he noticed he had gotten messages from Crowley. They had today's timestamp but they were marked as  _read_. He didn't remember receiving any of these and when he opened them, his stomach dropped.

"What the fuck," Dean said as he examined the compromising photos Crowley had sent to him just a few hours ago. Dean cringed remembering his behavior with the demon. Now, seeing them doing  _that,_  it was making Dean nauseous.

"Sam, did you read the messages on my phone?"

Sam joined Dean at the table. "No, why?"

"Son of a bitch."

Dean dropped his phone on the table and put his head in his hands. It suddenly all made sense. Cas saw these. Cas saw these and left him. That was why he never came back. He was disgusted with Dean.

They had just gotten over the hurdle of being too chicken shit to say how they felt, and now they could finally be together. Maybe this was all too good to be true, him being with Cas. It was all just too fucking good to be true.

What was happening between them was momentous. Dean was on cloud nine and his heart was so full, he didn't think he'd ever come down from the high Cas had lifted him to. For years Dean had pushed down his feelings, despite every fiber of his being wanting to just grab Cas, kiss him, and tell him that he loved him. It had taken Dean so long to get to where he was now.  _So long_. And now that he was finally able to be open himself up, this happened. He suddenly felt like his love life was doomed from the start.

He heard Sam gasp and he looked up to find him staring at his phone with his wide eyes. "Jesus, Dean, what the fuck is this?"

 _Good question_. Dean tried not to think about his time with Crowley, as it was not only one of the darkest times of his life, he was also extremely ashamed at what he had done. With the booze and the sex, he was the poster child for debauchery. Not to mention the fiery rage to kill something every hour on the hour, well that didn't help either.

And Crowley taking advantage of it all. Sharing a room with Dean, following him around like a lost puppy, begging him to be his 'partner' in more ways than one. Oh, Dean remembered the smitten Crowley as he would slip under the covers of Dean's bed and jerk him off or suck him off, and Dean would just lie back with his arms behind his head not giving a flying fuck.

He remembered the drunk induced threesomes, foursomes, and how ever many other orgies they had. Men fucking men, women fucking women, Crowley always ending up with Dean's cock in his mouth at some point, telling him that Dean Winchester's come was his daily vitamin. Dean had never touched Crowley though. There was a line and that was it. Even as full on demon as Dean was, that line he refused to cross.

Now Dean had to explain this shit to Sam and it made his skin crawl. "It was when I was a demon. Crowley and I, we just-"

"Fucked around? Seriously, Dean?  _Crowley?"_  Sam was still staring at the phone.

"I said I was a  _demon_ , jackass. I didn't care who the hell was sucking my dick back then. It just came with the territory. I didn't have any control over it."

Dean's face was red. He was embarrassed and he was fuming. He couldn't even imagine what Sam was thinking. His brother hated Crowley much more than Dean did and it must sicken him, seeing his own brother in this kind of situation with the god damned King of Hell. Why did Crowley send him those pictures? Why the hell was he trying to bring that shit up again? If Crowley was here, he'd punch that dick in the throat.

"Okay so maybe Cas did see these and… aww." Sam was now smiling and his face morphed into his puppy dog expression that he made often.

Dean tilted his head, confused. "Aww?"

"You guys," Sam turned the phone to show Dean what was making him smile, and it was the last few text exchanges between Cas and him. "This is so cute. You two are so cute."

"Shut up."

Dean wasn't sure why he said 'shut up' because Sam was right, they were cute,  _together._  Dean was still in shock that he had even been comfortable using the L word so easily with Cas. Blown the fuck away, actually. Dean didn't feel the same, anymore. He didn't feel like he needed to bottle up everything like he'd been doing since he could remember.

When that lightning came down and hit his arm, erasing the damned mark and sucking out all of its dark energy, Dean was left with a feeling that it was hard to describe. It was like every bad feeling that was holding his head to the ground, washed away with it. The weight of that mark, that he had to carry around for two years was gone. His heart felt lighter.  _He_  was lighter. An enormous feeling of love slapped him in the face and he wanted to run to Sam and hug him, tell him he loved him. He wanted to do the same with Cas. Hell, even Crowley. Dean remembered thinking it was like some kind of brown acid or something, because he was definitely feeling like a goddamned love child.

Then of course with his heart growing, it also let in all the pain and regret. The guilt of what he had put Sam and Cas through. He remembered thinking, as the dark cloud came rushing toward him and his brother as they sat in the impala, awaiting a certain doom, that if they got out of this alive, he'd be sure to make it up to them. He'd be the best brother to Sam that he could be, and not let him feel one ounce of guilt at what was happening. And Cas, well, they'd been so distant in the last couple of years, he swore to bring them closer together. Reconnect and pal around like they used to. He'd make sure Cas knew how important he was to him.

"You never say that, to anyone. Not even me, Dean."

Dean sighed. Yeah, Sam was reading his mind. "I know. I know, Sam." He dropped his head again in his hands and then inhaled, shakily. "And now he's gone because I fucked up."

"This isn't a text from a guy who'd want to leave you, Dean. Just saying."

Dean looked up at him and Sam continued, "Even if he did see these, he knows better than to give you a hard time. It's obvious he'd put two and two together and realize these were from almost a year ago."

Sam was right. Cas didn't hold Dean's demon days or his fall with the mark over his head. While Cas might have gotten a little jealous over this, he wouldn't just take off because of it. Not after all they had been through together, especially in these last couple of weeks. "We gotta go and at least check out the last place he was."

In a matter of minutes, both brothers were piling into Sam's car and heading out to the frame store. They arrived there in twenty minutes, because of Dean speeding the entire time. Dean sighed when he saw the Impala. Okay, it didn't make sense that Cas had been at this store this whole time, but he assumed there was a good reason. He parked and then he immediately saw a cardboard box on the ground next to the Impala. Dean rushed out and picked it up. He also noticed the keys and Cas' phone sitting next to it.

"Fuck," Dean said.

He made his way inside and ran up to the saleswoman, Sam following close behind him. "The guy who bought this, do you know how long ago he left?" Dean asked her, opening up the cardboard and pulling out the framed picture.

She peered over and nodded. "Uh, about two hours ago? Maybe more?" She eyed Dean and Sam back and forth, curiously.

Dean flipped the picture over and glanced down at it and his heart ached. It was broken. One long crack down the glass separated Cas from him.  _Well isn't that just too damn symbolic._ He looked at Sam and they headed back to the Impala.

"Okay, this is bad," Dean said, looking at Cas' phone.

He checked his text messages and the last one was from Dean. **" _Hey, where are you? Did you get lost?"_**  was the message. Dean cringed. He scrolled up to the one prior. **" _I love you 2"_**  and now he thought he really felt his heart break.

They decided to ride back in the Impala and pick up Sam's car later. On the drive back to the bunker, all Dean could think of is that time they had found Cas, stabbed to death in the reaper's apartment. He tried anything to get that image out of his head, he didn't want to imagine that his angel was dead somehow, killed by God knows who. Maybe a dark angel, maybe something else that had been hunting Cas. He wasn't by any means held in high regard with Heaven, it could very well be his fucking family who killed him.

They weren't his family, though.  _He_  was. Sam was. Not them. Not those dickbags.

"Okay, so someone obviously had to grab him, right?" Sam asked him.

Dean glanced briefly at Sam as he drove. "What makes you think something didn't just gank him?"

He swallowed hard as if those words had formed a ball in his throat and were trying to choke him. He wished he could stop seeing that lifeless look on Cas' face when they arrived at the reaper's apartment.

"Well, if someone did, he would be there, right? I mean, we would have seen the body, right?" Sam winced, "I mean-"

"I get what you mean, and yeah, you're right. So who would take him and why?"

Dean gripped the steering wheel so tightly, his knuckles turned white. Son of a bitch mother fucker! He was going to find out who was behind this and cut their goddamned throat. He just got Cas back. Things were going so well. The mark was gone and they were working together like old times.

_And sleeping together._

He thought of Cas kissing him, and lying in his arms, his big blue eyes looking up at Dean like he was the most precious thing in the world. Cas had always looked at him like that, always with that intensity and warmth that Dean had never seen from anyone. It was a special kind of look that only he and Cas had shared. Their little secret over the years. That unspoken love that had always kept them together.

And it was true. He had been so in love with Cas, it hurt sometimes.

Dean had never imagined acting on it. He had always seen himself as straight and if he did start looking at dudes, he'd stop himself almost before it started. Of course his demon days made that all a big mess, but in his right mind, Dean never thought he'd actually have the guts to be physical with another man. This was Cas, though, and he was so unlike anything or anyone. They shared a bond that connected them on so many levels, it had confused Dean to the point of trying to bury and suppress any if not all of his love for his angel.

All those nights he'd think about Cas. Wanting to see him, talk to him, be with him. It wasn't always a sexual thought, most of the time he'd just imagined them hanging out, or riding around in the Impala. He'd pictured them laughing together and maybe even doing investigations together. Just having Cas around made all the difference for him. His mere presence made Dean a better person. He made him happy.

And now he was gone and Dean felt like someone ripped out a chunk of himself.

"We'll find him Dean. We always do. Or he'll find his way back to us."

Dean nodded but Sam's words didn't make him feel any better. In his gut, he knew Cas was in trouble and each minute that passed, Dean became more and more aware that finding him wasn't going to be easy. Not this time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel sat in the same position for hours. His only thoughts were of Dean and he even chuckled that no matter what was happening all around him, or  _to_  him, it was Dean he thought of. It was Dean he needed. It was Dean that made him whole. But his thoughts went from happy memories to disturbing visions of Dean worrying about where Castiel had gone. Did he think he took off on purpose? Perhaps out of jealousy from those photos, or maybe he was assuming Castiel was just doing his normal disappearing act he had done so often in the past.

Either way, Castiel was distressed. He begged the angel guards to at least let him contact Dean, and in response, they laughed and teased him about his love for a human. Really, those angels were so far from Castiel's heart. He was different and so removed from Heaven, seeing how it was now, only solidified the truth that he was never meant to be a part of it. At least, not without God.

Gabriel had it right. Leave the fighting and nonsense. Leaving it all behind.

He wished he could reach out to Gabriel now and somehow ask him for help, or to go see Dean and let him know what was happening. He was aware that he was powerless in there though, due to the handcuffs and the prison being warded against angels using any of their mojo. He wouldn't even be able to contact Dean via his dreams.

But he tried, regardless. Whether Dean would be asleep any time soon would be another story.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The bunker had an empty feel to it without Cas around. Even though he'd only been living with them for two weeks, his presence there made Dean feel even more at home. He always knew Cas belonged with them, even though he would fly around and never really have a need to sleep or eat, or anything humans do for that matter.

And when Dean kicked him out that time, well, he regretted it the moment the words left his mouth.

But Cas' home was with him, no matter what kind of home he needed. Whether it be just to pop in and watch a movie, or to actually live in the bunker. Either way, Dean needed his angel there. Now he was gone, probably alone, or scared,  _or worse_.

His only option was to summon Hannah. It was a well known fact the Hannah really did not like Dean, but what choice did he have. He ran the idea over with Sam, and he absolutely agreed.

"Even if she didn't have anything to do with it, she could at least try and track him down," said Sam while flipping open his laptop. He was also going to check out any weird happenings around town. Eyes burned out, unexplained sightings of strange dark smokey people, and so on.

Dean sat across from him, checking his phone, almost fanatically. "He's not even at full power, Sam," Dean lamented.

"No he's not but Dean, remember that time you went to see him, you know, when that angel was killing off depressed people, or whatever?"

Dean nodded.

Sam continued, "Well he was totally human then but you still trusted him enough to bring him back into action. You know he's never really helpless, Dean. He's pretty bad ass, even as a human."

"Yeah, all good that did with the reaper, though."

Dean  _did_  agree with Sam and he cursed himself at not letting that reaper thing go. He saw it all in his his head as if it was yesterday. Cas' lifeless body and that heartbreaking frown on his face. It was like he died while thinking about something sad and Dean was pretty sure he was about to cry now but he held back his tears, coughing them away, knowing that breaking down wouldn't help a thing.

"He'd been taken by surprise back then, Dean. He knows better now. He's not as naive."

Dean glanced once more at his phone and then his attention went over the the broken picture. He stared at it for a few minutes, thinking about everything that happened that night. They were all sitting around, laughing, eating pizza, and Dean remembered barely feeling the effects of the mark. He smiled at the memory of Cas' awkwardness at Charlie's fortune telling. Of course she rigged it, and that was kind of a whole other story in and of itself.

"Going to summon Hannah. You comin' with?" Dean asked, rising from the table and grabbing the Impala's keys.

"I'll stay here and check the news, if that's okay. Plus I think someone should be here just in case Cas does come back."

Dean nodded. "Okay."

"Dean," Sam started, Dean turned around to face him, "Be careful."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dean found a far away enough location to call down Hannah. He really didn't trust her, after what had happened that time in that strange angel headquarters. There was something so militant about her, so 'by the book' that rubbed Dean the wrong way. He shivered at the thought of her having anything to do with this. If she did, he was going to find it hard not to sink this angel blade through her heart. The fact that she also might be punishing Bobby for helping Cas break out Metatron also stirred a number of emotions in him.

He pushed them down, as he did best, and began calling for her. When nothing happened, he tried again, using different words, different phrases in hopes she'd understand how badly he needed her to show.

But nothing.

Hours passed and the sun was setting. It was a warm evening and Dean remained in the small field, leaning against a tree, wondering why she was ignoring him. His mind drifted to the time he and Cas went off looking for Gadreel, who was wearing Sam at the time. Cas had to steal another angel's grace and that had distressed him, terribly. To Dean, he didn't understand why it would have bothered Cas, since those angels were hell bent on bringing down the house, but even as bad as they were, Cas still had a heavy heart causing any of them harm.

Dean sighed as he heard Samandriel's words in his head, " _I think too much heart was always Castiel's problem."_

That little Alfie was right. Cas  _loved_ when other angels couldn't. He fought for what was right, despite his superiors barking orders at him. He broke out of Naomi's control, all because he remembered the love, he remembered the  _feeling_  of love, and that trumped everything. Even though Dean had just recently found that out, a part of him knew. The love he and Cas shared pretty much won every time.

He missed him already. It had only been half a day, but he missed him, and not knowing when when he'd see him again made the hours feel like days. The uncertainty caused time to just slow down, too slow for Dean's liking. He needed answers.

He needed Cas.

A man appeared a little off in the distance. Dean spotted him and quickly grabbed for his gun, just in case. As the man approached, Dean rose to his feet and kept himself in a defensive stance.

"Dean," the man said coldly.

"Sorry, have we met?" Dean eyed the guy over. He had dark hair, dark eyes, no familiarity whatsoever.

"Dean, it's me, Hannah."

Dean scoffed. "Oh, you're a… man now." He smirked and lowered his gun and slipped it back into his belt. "Suits you, I guess."

Still no emotion on this male Hannah's face. Dean wondered how in the hell Cas could have come from such a family.

"Where is he?" Dean furrowed his brow and he let any kind of amicable feelings fade. He wanted answers and he wasn't going to beat around the bush and talk about the fucking weather.

"He's safe. He's with us."

Dean sighed with relief, but the fact still remained that Cas was not with him. He moved closer to Hannah as he stared Dean down like he was some kind of rodent. "Safe where? In Heaven? Why? Why's he there?"

"Dean, you really need to back off. This is all…" He paused and then a smidgen of sympathy flashed across his face so quickly that if Dean hadn't had his eyes glued on Hannah, he would have missed it. "It is because of you that he's in trouble."

"Trouble?" Dean was now just a few feet from him and he felt his blood begin to boil.

"Yes, Dean. He's-he's answering for his crimes. You won't be able to reach him, nor will I engage again. I only came out of courtesy for Castiel because, well, I owe him. But this is it. Leave it be. Consider this a fair warning."

Dean kept his fingers resting on the angel blade in his back pocket. "Warning? I swear if you don't release him, I'll-"

"You'll do what, Dean? We're an army of angels. You're just one human. Sure, you've been known to take some of us down before, but I assure you, my people are prepared and," He looked around, nervously, "I must go, please do not attempt to contact me again."

Intimidation was not going to work, obviously, so Dean lowered his defenses and brought his hands together as if to pray. "Please just tell me… what did he do?" he plead.

Hannah sighed, looking around again, as if he was expecting more people to show. "Our rules in Heaven have been around longer than humanity. But when humans were… created, there were another set of rules.  _Strict_  rules prohibiting angels in engaging in certain ways with them. If they did, they were severely punished."

Dean cringed.  _Engage as in sex?_ How in the hell would Hannah even know that had happened between Cas and himself?

Hannah continued, "But it wasn't just his fornicating with you, Dean. We know it was he who released the Darkness. It was his grace that was used, and we have a very reliable source telling us of this."

All of the breath left him. These were serious charges. He didn't know all of their laws or whatever, but he was pretty damn sure that releasing the Darkness would be pretty high on the ' _thou shall not'_ list. Dean felt his eyes well up with tears. "What will you do with him," was all Dean could say, and even those words cracked.

"I'm sorry Dean." Then he was gone.

Dean yelled out for Hannah but he disappeared and left Dean standing in the field, alone. He thought of Cas up there, being punished, tortured, and his breathing became so erratic, he thought he'd hyperventilate.

"God, Cas. No."

Dean dropped to his knees and tried to steady his breathing. He inhaled deeply, grabbing the grass beneath him, pulling, ripping it from the ground. Tears fell and he had no control over it. He felt defeated, helpless.

But being paralyzed with anguish wasn't an option. He'd find a way to get to Cas. He didn't know how, but he had to. It was all he could hope for.

He raced home with a thousand thoughts running through his head and he needed Sam to help him narrow some of them down.  _What would be the easiest way into Heaven?_  He parked the car and rushed inside. He saw Sam was still at the table on his laptop and he turned to Dean.

"Dean. You're not going to believe this."

With a few steps, Dean was next to Sam looking over his shoulder, down at the computer screen. Sam clicked on a video camera footage from outside of a nearby restaurant. A delivery man was standing outside next to a UPS truck. Nothing seemed special about it until this man turned and Dean could now see his face. There he was, sandy brown hair, Cheshire cat smile.

"Gabriel" Sam and Dean chorused.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He'd been sleeping on and off, and that indicated that he still wasn't powered up. He wasn't hungry though and he figured that was a good thing, if anything could be considered good about his current situation. He was all too aware that his fellow angels didn't have take out. Castiel chuckled at the thought of asking them to order a pizza, in which case they would stare at him, utterly confused. Castiel remembered when such human things had been unfamiliar to him.

That was all before he started spending time with the Winchesters and Bobby. He learned about whiskey and chili, how to eat spaghetti, and Dean had taught him how to properly grill a burger. At the time, it was useless knowledge for Castiel but he loved it all the same. It had been kind of ironic how he'd need this information years later when he became human. Of course he still would like to actually grill a burger one day.

He smiled at a fantasy of Dean and him, outside the bunker, using the grill that Sam had warned them not to get. He imagined Dean kissing him as he flipped the burger and maybe they'd forget all about that piece of meat cooking on the grill and Dean would pull him onto the grass where they would make love.

There so much he still wanted to do with Dean and he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his chest when he realized he may never look into those magnetic green eyes again. He was in Heaven, in prison, probably sentenced to die. He wondered if there would be a trial, or some chance that he would be able to speak for himself. Explain his actions. Tell them that they all needed to stick together because this Darkness would not discriminate. It will kill them all. That much he knew.

He heard the prison door open and Hannah strolled in, dismissing the guards. Castiel should get up and move close to the cell bars and try to talk to him but he couldn't even stand to look at his face. Instead he kept his eyes to the ground, thinking of a million different insults that he had learned over the years, that would be fitting to say to Hannah.

"Castiel."

He didn't look up.

"Castiel," Hannah continued, "I need to inform you that I saw Dean Winchester."

Okay, that got his attention. "What? Where? Is he okay?" Castiel was now on his feet.

"Yes, he summoned me. He was worried. I told him where you were, so there's no need for him to continue reaching out."

Castiel's eyes widened and he put a hand to his heart before his heart leapt out of it. "Can't you let me talk to him? Please, Hannah."

He brought his hands to his waist and looked down at Castiel like he was a naughty toddler. There were so many emotions running through Cas right now, he wasn't sure if they would make him explode. He imagined his grace burning through him and atomizing Hannah.

"Absolutely not, Castiel. Do you… do you understand that it's because of him that you are so lost? I remember hearing all the rumors long ago but after seeing it for myself these last couple of years, well, it's disgraceful."

"Love isn't being lost, Hannah." Castiel sat back down and sighed. "I don't expect you to understand," he said, softly and barely audible. He was about to say one more thing but he was gone. Castiel leaned his body against the wall and began to pray. He wasn't sure to whom, but someone out there has to be on his side. He has to have a least one ally in the garrison.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dean and Sam drove with haste to the restaurant where the UPS truck had been. Dean was praying out loud to Gabriel as he raced. "Gabriel, if you can hear me, stay where you are. Don't move. We need to talk to you."

Sam glanced at him and joined in. They'd both been calling out to Gabriel as they drove onto the street where he should be. The truck was still there and Dean sighed with relief. He found a spot to park and slammed on the breaks and in seconds, they were out of the car and heading over to the truck.

They each took a different side, walking around when both ended up in the front, with no sign of Gabriel. "Son of a bitch," Dean said.

"That's not a nice thing to call God, you know," a familiar voice said from behind them.

They turned around to see Gabriel smiling at them in a UPS uniform. He continued, "You boys are a pain in the ass to find, even after sending you on those easy peasy jobs."

"That was you?" Sam asked.

Gabriel smirked as he raised his eyebrows. "Well, no, but I made sure you boys would take heed. I managed to send you important alerts on your little laptop there." Gabriel typed on an invisible keyboard. "The locations were close enough so I'd thought I would have run into you guys, but then I got sidetracked."

"Side tracked?" Sam raised an eyebrow.

"Do you know how many women are into men in uniform? I mean, who wudda thunk it?"

Dean moved in closer, in front of Sam. His patience was all about gone and the feeling in the pit of his stomach was undeniably going to make him punch someone in the face. Gabriel, being the likely  _someone_. "Where the hell have you been, we've been praying to you."

Gabriel sighed, backing away with his hands up. "Good thing you're cute, beefcake." He crossed his arms. "Yes, I heard all of your prayers, but when I tried to home in on your location, nothing. Nada. What's that all about?"

Dean turned to Sam. "The bunker is warded. God damn it."

"The  _what_  is warded?" Gabriel asked.


	13. Chapter 13

They entered the bunker and Dean did all he could to hold back his frustration at Gabriel's little remarks the entire way in. Gabriel was impressed. Far from impressed. He immediately ran inside, investigating the liquor cabinets and antique weapons. He reminded Dean of himself when they first arrived there but he just wasn't in the mood to give Gabriel the grand tour.

It was like Gabriel read his mind, he turned to the brothers and put his hands on his hips. "Okay, color me impressed, but I know, I know, we're not here to keep little ole me entertained. So, what's going on, and don't leave anything out. I got awwwwll day."

Gabriel sat down in one of the chairs and swung his legs up and rested his feet on another. He reached next to him at the decanter of whiskey on the small table. He picked it up, opened the top, sniffed it, curled his lips and nose, and then closed it, shaking his head.

Dean glanced at Sam and he gave Dean the nod. "So, do you know about this Darkness business?"

Gabriel's eyes widened. He relaxed and laced his fingers together, resting them his on his belly. "Kinda sorta. Figured you muttonheads were responsible, though. It had 'Winchester Fuck Up' written all over it."

Dean rolled his eyes. Gabriel continued, after letting out an irritated sigh. "Look, I might know a thing or two about it, but it doesn't matter. The Darkness is the new Black and it ain't going out of style until God makes a comeback and well, we can all agree he's still MIA, correct?"

Sam nodded. "Gabriel, is there any way to find him? To stop the-"

Dean interrupted, "That's second on the list. First, we need to get Cas out of Heaven. Can you help us?"

Dean wasn't going to waste the chance at an attempt to bring Gabriel into his mission to rescue Cas. He was an archangel, for pete's sake. He'd have to know a backdoor into Heaven.

Gabriel's head tilted and he narrowed his gaze onto Dean. "Uh, why is our little blue-eyed cherub in Heaven? Or rather, why do you need to get him out?"

"Hannah, the new boss, grabbed him, saying something about paying for his crimes. He-he's in prison."

"Oh." Gabriel slid his feet off of the chair and sat upright. "Old crimes or new?"

"I don't know." Dean shrugged. Well, some parts he did know but what did it matter?

"Reason I ask is, if he… oh shit." Gabriel was now looking around, clearly worried about something. "Angel's grace or to be more specific, an Angel  _in love_ … like Metatron's spell, only a fuckton worse."

"Gabriel, what are you talking about?" Dean said, his panic masked by anger.

"Don't think I didn't know about the mark of Cain. I mean, I knew but I couldn't really do anything about it. Have I mentioned what I've been up to these last few years?"

"Gabriel, I'm running out of patience," Dean said, and he was. His heart was racing and he thought for sure his blood pressure was at its highest as his ears thumped to his heart rate.

"Okay, okay. I'll tell you my story later. In the meantime, the mark was cured, so Mazel tov, but the only way that could be done is by the cleansing spell which needs an  _angel's grace_ , and I'm putting my money on  _Cas_ as the angel, am I right?"

Dean nodded.

"So… wait, how did you guys know about the cure?" Gabriel asked.

Sam sat down next to Dean and leaned on his knees. "It was the Book of the Damned. We had a… a witch translate and help with the spell."

Gabriel sighed. "Book of the what?" He shook his head and waved his hand in front of his face. "Okay, nevermind. So, way back when, I mean, wayyy back, we were all warned about the fallen angel releasing the Darkness. I guess that was why they made damn sure any wayward angel from the garrison was punished before they could, you know, fall in love."

He and Dean made eye contact.

"So, when some of those angels slipped our grasp and had fallen in love with humans, they were killed on sight or uh, tortured."

Sam's eyes widened. "The book of Enoch." He looked at Dean. Dean scrubbed his face with his hand and remained silent. The words from the book filled his head now, the punishment of all those angels and suddenly he remembered Gabriel's name had been in that book.

"You were there," Dean said to Gabriel.

Gabriel nodded. "I was and it's not my proudest moment. But I left after that. I loved humanity, or well, I loved mixing and mingling with you lot. I went incognito because I knew they'd come looking for me."

Dean started to sympathize with Gabriel now. He had some of Cas' attitude toward Heaven. He didn't like the fighting and corruption of power. He didn't approve of the harsh punishments and unbendable rules.

"Where'd the spell come from anyway? Who made the cure?" Sam asked.

"Oh, well, funny you should ask, God made it."

Dean and Sam shared a look. "Why would God make a spell that would open the lock to release the Darkness?" Dean asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Long story short, he didn't want it totally gone forever. He had his reasons, none of which he cared to share with his kids."

Sam clicked his tongue. "So there was always a threat of its release? Why not just tell the angels the truth about the Darkness? Like warn them?"

Gabriel smirked. "Because then we would have those pesky destructo-angels goin' all aggro after the mark of Cain. Or, Cain for that matter. Does Zachariah ring a bell? How about Raphael?"

"But they just wanted the apocalypse, not to end everything, right?" Sam asked, now leaning back on his chair and stroking his chin. A deep crease separated his eyebrows and Dean could tell that he was piecing all of this together.

"Rightamundo. But the risk would have been too great. If you thought those dickbags were bad, imagine some of the others you  _haven't_ met yet. Trust me when I tell you that there were some  _crazy_  suicidal angels up there," Gabriel sang the last part.

He inhaled and continued, "So, angels were punished, God wasn't around, all hell breaks loose in Heaven, and honestly, my brothers did  _not_  know their holy asses from their elbows. Now," he looked at Dean, "Are you keeping up?"

Dean scowled, so Gabriel continued, "If Heaven's New World Order knows that our brave little toaster, Cas, unleashed this crap, he's in for some harsh punishment. They'll," Gabriel brought his hands up to his mouth and made a fist. The clear fear in his eyes was making Dean want to vomit. "They're gonna do bad things to him, Dean. Real bad."

Dean sat back in his chair. He tried to breathe and slow down his heart rate but it wasn't possible. He glanced briefly at Gabriel and he could see the sorrow all over the angel's face. It was not what Dean needed to see right now.

"So can you help me, Gabriel?"

"Look, Dean-o, breaking into Heaven is one thing, but to try and rescue someone on Death Row, is well- "

"Please, Gabriel."

Dean had tears in his eyes now and Gabriel looked deeply at him and then surrendered, holding his hands up. "How could I say no to that pout?" He sighed. "Okay, I can't really break into Heaven myself but... there  _is_  a way."

The boys leaned in, waiting for him to continue. After eyeing both Sam and Dean, he landed on Dean. "I can break one of you into your own personal Heaven. From there you'll have to find the escape hatch, the-"

"Oh, like Bobby had to," Sam said, turning to Dean who was watching him strangely.

"Say what?" Dean said with a raised eyebrow, for he had no clue what his brother was talking about.

"When we contacted Bobby, that was how he was able to get Cas inside. He found a door out of his own heaven. It led him to the main, uh, headquarters?" Sam said, turning to Gabriel, unsure if that was the correct term.

Gabriel nodded. "Yes. That be the way." He focused back onto Dean. "I'm guessing you're gonna be the one to go get him, correct?"

After glancing briefly at Sam, Dean drew in a breath. "Yes."

"Are you sure, I can go, Dean," Sam said.

"Of course I'm sure. I'm going in." Dean stood. "Just tell me what I need to do."

Gabriel glanced at the clock that was set high above the mantel. "Midnight, we send you to your own private Idaho. I need some spell ingredients. I'll be back before you even knew I was gone."

Gabriel lifted his fingers to snap himself away and then sighed. "Oh, this place... uh, listen for my knock, since I won't be able to zap back in here."

Gabriel headed up the stairs and out the door. Sam rose to meet his brother and he set a hand on his shoulder. They discussed Dean's game plan which pretty much consisted of him breaking in, finding Cas, with the hopes that they'll be able to sneak back out. He wasn't really thinking that far ahead, to be honest. He never really did. That was Sam's expertise.  _The way out._

But he was set on getting in there to get to Cas, that he knew he'd or rather,  _they'd_  find their way home. It wasn't the first time they'd been in a situation where it seemed like the odds were against them. Sure, Heaven would certainly be guarded. There would be angels everywhere, and Dean knew he'd have to be as stealthy as fuck or risk getting caught which would mean a certain death.

After a couple of minutes, there was a knock on the bunker door. Sam raced up and let Gabriel in, who was holding a small plastic shopping bag. They came down and Gabriel emptied the contents on the table.

"We'll need to do this where you can lay down. You'll be essentially asleep, well, kinda dead actually." Gabriel rummaged through the ingredients he had dumped on the table.

"Dead?" Sam and Dean said in unison.

"Kinda. Not really. Your soul will  _think_  you're dead. That'll be the only way to get you into your personal heaven. But don't worry, we'll keep your body nice and alive. Promise." Gabriel smiled at Dean.

Dean inhaled, shakily and raked a hand through his hair. "Okay, whatever. So we have to wait til midnight?"

Gabriel nodded. Dean looked up at the clock. It was only nine and that fact made his stomach burn. He wanted to just get this over with. He was bad at waiting. His impatience had always been an issue. Sam hated it. Sam was always the one who thought things through, he didn't rush into anything. He never went head first as Dean did.

He looked at Sam and wished he could just bring him along. It wasn't that Dean was scared. He just didn't like doing these kinds of things without his brother. Sam was a good balance. He was the level headed guy. The one who pulled Dean back from the edge. The one who'd kept him in check.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The hours dragged. Sam had tried to get Dean to eat, but he had no appetite and he felt so queasy, he thought he'd vomit if he ate anyway. Part of the problem was that he had no idea what he'd find once he did reach Cas. The images of seeing him hurt, or bloody, or anything that would indicate that they had laid a hand on him sent Dean into a certain rage. His skin was feverishly hot and it was even hard for him to sit still for an extended period of time.

The bunker was extra quiet and Dean retired to the sofa, in an attempt to calm down. He held the broken picture of the four of them, staring at Cas for what seemed like hours. He smiled at Charlie and at her extra enthusiastic pose. She made the bunker so much brighter. She made their lives so much brighter. His chest hurt looking at the two people in this picture that should be here with him now.

Sam joined Dean and sat down next to him with a long drawn out sigh. "We'll get that fixed," he said, eyeing the picture. Dean didn't look up when he nodded. Now that Sam was next to him, tears fell from his eyes.

"I miss her," Dean said, eyes transfixed on the picture. "She'd be cheering us on right about now."

Dean wiped a hand down his face, removing his tears. He continued, "She'd be comparing me to one of her geek heroes, saving the princess, or some shit like that."

"Exactly," said Sam with a laugh, "You know if she were here, she'd be down with the 'rescue Cas' mission."

Dean cracked a very small smile. "Yes she would." He ran his finger across her face in the picture. "This was a fun night. Man, it was such a great night."

"Yeah it was. I don't think you smiled more in an entire year."

Sam was right. Dean hadn't smiled like that in such a long time, it was almost strange to see his glowing expression in the picture. "She made me promise her…"

The conversation Dean had with Charlie filled his head, and in fact had been in his head for weeks.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**April 2015** _

Dean had been cleaning up when she met him in the kitchen. She leaned against the counter, facing him. "You know, I've been a total Destiel shipper since 'Lazarus Rising'." Charlie smiled at Dean as he almost dropped the cup he'd been holding.

The entire year was a confusing one for Dean. He had been so consumed with that demonic rage of the mark, that the good parts of him, the bright parts had fought so hard to push through. He was in the middle of a battle versus good and evil and it had been all been taking place inside of him. His thoughts were an erratic mess. He'd think about doing a job, killing monsters, because well, killing felt good. Really good. Then in the next second, he'd imagine Cas next to him, maybe watching a movie together, or talking about whatever.

It was like that on a daily basis. The quick shift of moods and thoughts had become so damn normal for him, he'd begun to just go with it. If he'd have to live with the mark, he'd have to accept this schizophrenic mind that came along with it. He missed the days when good was good and bad was bad. Now him and Sam were stuck in some grey area that made Dean's skin crawl.

Dean also missed his best friend so much, it hurt. They hadn't been the same in years and that bothered Dean. Since that fucked up day when Cas took off with the tablet, it seemed the two of them took one giant step in the opposite direction.

But it wasn't what Dean had wanted. For the first time, he was aware that he'd been missing something when it came to Cas. He'd wanted him here, and not just because it made his life easier, but because he loved the son of a bitch.

He loved Cas. He needed Cas. He vowed to himself… and Sam that he'd start making the right choices, and showing Cas how much he meant to him was at the top of the list. He knew he wasn't gay. He understood that whatever was happening didn't mean he was some giant homo or anything. But to  _not_ do something about it seemed totally out of the question.

Yet, he'd been too afraid to confront his feelings for the angel. After all of his dreams about him, the fantasies that he couldn't even understand, it had scared him to death. He didn't know what was going on inside of him and it was even more frightening that everyone around him seemed to have noticed how he felt. But with this mark, came the fear of hurting Cas. He was too unpredictable with this curse.

"Lazarus, what? Oh the books."

"But seeing it in person, like… in my face, it's  _woah._  You two really have something there, Dean."

Dean had stopped what he'd been doing and tilted his head at his perky red-headed friend. He knew his face was flushed and he'd almost stuttered when he said, "Me and Cas?"

"Uh, yeah. Who else would I be talking about? Look, I don't know what's really holding you back. You need to tell each other already!"

"Tell each other what?"

Dean knew exactly what she had been talking about but it his usual way to just deny it, bury it, and act as if he really wasn't in love with his best friend, who happened to be an angel, and who also happened to be a man.

"You need to tell him how you feel, Dean. Trust me, sometimes words make all the difference. I mean, I'm sure he knows you love him. I can get that just from seeing how you look at him. But saying it, well, it just makes it special, you know?"

"And you got this all from some books and having pizza with us?"

Dean chuckled. He realized now how obvious his feelings for Cas must have always been. He was sure Sam probably picked up on it as well. Did he really wear his heart on his sleeve when it came to Cas?

"Promise me, Dean, that before anything else happens, that you'll tell him. Tomorrow may never come and why keep something so amazing like that inside? This is an epic requited love that only few ever get to experience in one lifetime."

Charlie sighed and continued, "It's like Arwen and Aragorn, and how she'd given up her whole immortality, all for true love and-" Charlie paused and her eyes drifted upwards as if she was reliving the scene in her head. She coughed nervously and glanced back at Dean. "You know what I mean."

Dean chuckled at the Lord of the Rings reference, but he began to see that parallel and his stomach was suddenly filled with butterflies. There was no use denying it with Charlie. She was very observant and probably the most aware person Dean had ever known.

So he just smiled and said, "Fine. I promise."

Her face lit up and she ran into him with a hug. While resting her head against his chest, she said "And by the way, he's totally in love with you, too. Just in case you need that as, I don't know, incentive?"

Dean kissed her head and hugged her tightly. He thought he'd run away from such a conversation, and with anyone else, he probably would have. But this was Charlie, his kid sister in a way. His annoyingly super smart and usually always right, kid sister.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_**Present Day** _

"Promise what?" Sam asked, turning his body on the couch toward his brother.

"To tell Cas." Dean sunk into the couch and leaned his head back. He sighed. "To tell him-"

Dean couldn't even finish his words. He was crying and it was impossible to stop. Sam rested a hand on his shoulder and Dean placed his hand over it. "You did, Dean. You told him and he knows. He knew even before you told him," Sam said, obviously picking up on what Dean had meant.

He saw Cas' face as he lied on the pillow next to him. His eyes full of love as he caressed Dean's cheeks. Dean's chest burned. If he had ever felt a literal heartbreak, this was it. Dean turned to his brother. "I gotta get him back."

"If anyone will find him, it's you," Sam assured his brother.

The room seem to close in on Dean and he stood quickly and ran his hand down his face. "What time is it?"

As soon as he asked, the clock chimed. Dean had never even remembered the clock doing that, but for some reason, it seemed as if it was purposefully chiming loudly to get his attention. The brothers shared a look and headed over to Gabriel who'd been watching them the entire time.

Without saying much, the three headed to Dean's room where he lowered his body down onto his mattress and brought his hands to his stomach. Before Gabriel started, Sam sat down on the edge of the bed and looked down at his brother.

"If there's any sign of struggle, I'm pulling you out," Sam warned.

"No, Sam. Don't pull me before I get Cas. Please, promise me," Dean pleaded, his heart racing at the thought of being at arm's reach of Cas and then being pulled back into his room. It filled him with panic now, for that would the be the worst sight he could imagine.

"Okay, but Dean. Don't, uh, don't die."

Sam tried to smile. He glanced at Gabriel who was waiting impatiently on the chair at the desk. "Is there like a way for us to communicate with him, when he's there?"

Dean sat up. "Like Cas did when we were in Heaven, remember? Through the radio and t.v.!"

"And the psychic did with Bobby," Sam added.

Gabriel nodded. "Only while he's in his own Heaven. Once he breaks out, we won't have any way to track him." Gabriel rose and headed over to Dean. "I need you to bleed for me, baby"

Sam and Dean looked at him and then Sam brought out a blade. Gabriel went for it but he snatched it out of reach. "I'll be with one cutting him."

"Suit yourself, but make it snappy."

He held out a bowl for Sam to take. Sam placed it under Dean's arm and sliced a thin line into his skin. Dean winced and he watched his blood trickle down his arm and into the bowl.

"Okay, that should be enough," Gabriel said, holding his hands out for the bowl. Sam handed it to him and then he set it down on the desk. Turning to Dean, Gabriel said, "Once you're in, look for something that shouldn't be there, and that's your way out into the main headquarters."

Dean furrowed his brow. "Uh, what do you mean?"

Sam butt in, "Like something out of the ordinary. If you're in the Impala, look for something that looks...off. Something that you normally wouldn't see in it."

Dean nodded. "Okay, I think I got it." Dean rested his head back down on the pillow. "When I find Cas, I'll have him take us to the portal out. I'll call you when we get there."

"It's a playground," Sam said.

Dean made a mental note of that and then closed his eyes.

"Dean," Gabriel said. Dean opened his eyes and looked at him. "What you're doing is," Gabriel sighed, "Dangerous, but I have faith that if anyone could pull this off, it's you."

Dean wished he could smile at the archangel but his stomach was in knots and his nerves were forming a ball in his throat. Gabriel continued, "I know how you two feel about each other. I know how much he loves you, and vice versa…"

"Was it that obvious?" Dean managed to say.

Gabriel and Sam smiled at each other. " _Please_. It may as well been tattooed to your foreheads."

Gabriel flashed a wide grin and then it faded into a more stone cold expression. "The angels all knew it too, and well, Castiel had been warned lots of times, to uh, look the other way, but it was his decision to ignore them and continue being around you, Dean."

"So what does that mean?"

"It means, they are gonna teach him a lesson and make him an example. When you get up there, if you so much as slip and get yourself caught, they  _will_ kill you, Dean. They hate you. They blame you for Castiel's fall and," Gabriel paused and tilted his head, his eyebrows now arching, his face drawn and sympathetic.

"Just be careful, is all I'm saying. I know we don't necessarily have the greatest history with each other, but I do root for you two. I always have. That kind of love is not to be taken lightly. It's rare, Dean. It's what stories are made of."

Gabriel was smiling and Dean had that lump in his throat again. He wasn't expecting Gabriel to be so supportive and this deep, even. It had made Dean feel a little better having him on their side. He was right about their history, but none of that mattered now. He was in their court and it meant a lot.

"Okay, enough of this sappy bullshit. Let's get this slumber party started," Gabriel said, with a half smile.

As Gabriel began the recital in Enochian, Sam leaned in and grabbed his brother's hand. "Be careful Dean, and get our Cas back."

Dean squeezed his brother's hand and waited for the spell to kick in.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Hands were all over him and he barely had time to open his eyes to realize he wasn't dreaming. He was being dragged out of his cell and down a long dark corridor. Castiel's head dropped back, loose and hanging. Panic rose in him when he noticed that his body felt limp and he couldn't manage a single independent movement of his own.

"Where-where are you taking me?" he asked to the air, for he couldn't make out who or what had taken hold of him.

The candles gave off a little bit of light that bounced off the stone pillars and he tried to look around and figure out where exactly he was. His feet dragged against the harsh floor and he didn't remember any part of Heaven having such a gravelly terrain. The air felt cool and it was making the hair on his body stand on end.

It confirmed that his grace was still weak. He now wondered if he'd be powerless altogether soon. He wasn't sure what Hannah and company had planned for him, though. They just may strip him from being an angel. Make him human.

Or just kill him and be done with it.

His body was being lifted onto a platform. He noticed some of his motor skills returning and he was now able to stand on his own. He looked around at what seemed to be another type of holding room. This one, instead of prison cells, had long slabs of stone with chains attached, protruding outwards. There were two sets, a pair on top and a pair on the bottom. Castiel knew those were for hands and feet.

Strong hands threw him against a cold wall and they were raising his arms, closing the cuffs around his wrists, and then they bent down to take care of his ankles. Castiel was now spread against this cold granite but he still couldn't get a clear view of who was there with him.

He felt his shirt and pants being ripped from his body, leaving him in only his boxer shorts. His head dropped down and he suddenly felt his throat close. Dean's boxers. He was wearing the only thing he had left of Dean Winchester. The only thing  _tangible_ , for Dean was still holding onto his heart and refusing to let go.

"Who, who are you?" Castiel asked the dark blobs of nothing that stood in front of him. He tried to blink into focus but everything was still fuzzy and weird.

"Be quite, Castiel."

Castiel sighed.  _Hannah._  "Really, is this necessary. Just kill me, already." Castiel looked around, trying to see where Hannah stood. "This is all just-"

A whipping sound surprised him, followed by a sting, and he hollered in pain. Then it happened again and he could feel his skin being torn and even though the room was dimly lit, he saw flashes of light behind his lids. "Stop. What are you-" The sharp leather sliced against his thigh and then his chest.

Castiel cried out. This pain was unbearable. He could feel his human vulnerability and he yelled out for Hannah to stop, but he knew he'd gone and left Castiel at the mercy of these barbarians who were obviously getting joy out of torturing Castiel. The whip lashings came one after the other, giving Castiel no time to recover.

His head fell, and he began to see stars and soon he was passing out from the pain. "P-please," was all he managed to get out, but before he fell into darkness, hands cupped his face and a cold splash of water hit him, rousing him from his anticipated slumber.

Dark eyes peered at him and Castiel was now able to make out the figure who stood before him. He knew those stormy dark eyes and long oval face, hair long and grey, hanging over one shoulder. This was Adriel, one of God's most loyal soldiers and he must have taken over the wonderful job of torture.

"Adriel. Why do this? What have I done?"

Adriel crossed his arms and backed up, eyeing Castiel from head to toe. He glared at him, his face hard but then a sudden well of sympathy filled in his eyes. "I don't want to do this, Castiel, but you have left us no other choice. These angels, they are begging us for justice. Your crimes, Castiel, oh your crimes are unforgivable."

Castiel sighed. "I know what I've done and I've suffered my penance. This is barbaric, even for you, Adriel."

"No, you haven't." Adriel moved in closer to Castiel and brought his face into his hand, digging his fingers into Castiel's cheeks. "You have not answered to Heaven and now you will. No angel shall go unpunished, anymore. Heaven is back in order and so are its laws."

He released Castiel's face and Castiel moved his jaw around in hopes to ease the pain, still feeling the phantom fingers against his skin. "Can you at least tell me to what crimes I am being punished for?"

Adriel turned away and then snapped his head around, his eyes full of anger and it gave Castiel a horrible feeling in his gut. "Really, Castiel? Do you not know?" He paced while holding his fingers up one by one as he went down the list.

"Let's see, there was murdering all those angels, but you may slide on that one, seeing as you were not yourself and you had ultimately taken down Raphael who was, in fact, trying to destroy us."

He turned and stopped, sighed, and then began pacing again. "Then there's the fact you had assisted Metatron in letting all the angels fall-"

"We've been down that road, already. You know I was tricked," Castiel objected.

Adriel flashed a crooked smile which made his face appear devilish. "Oh, that isn't the crime, brother. Do you know why your grace was so important for that spell?"

Before Castiel could answer, Adriel spoke, "The grace of an angel…  _in love_. Do you know what that says, Castiel? That you have broken one of Heaven's most important rules, and that brings us to your next charge. Dean Winchester."

Castiel wanted to lunge at him for even saying that name. He felt a lump in his throat and he tried to swallow. He knew there was no way to deny the fact that he'd fallen in love with Dean. Nor would he want to deny it. If he could only convince them that love was nothing to be ashamed of. It was beautiful and magical, and should be allowed between angels and humans. That old law is ancient and irrelevant now.

At one time, the nephilim, who were created from the Grigori and humans, were something to be feared. They had produced giants who roamed the earth and ultimately had to be put down. But that was only because of the unholy make up of the Grigori and it could never happen again. The Grigori were gone.

Castiel cringed when he thought of fact that once upon a time he thought nephilim were abominations and maybe he had thought that way until he and Dean had shared the most sacred intimacy two people in love could share. Sure, he was aware neither of them could produce offspring, but if a couple that shared what he and Dean had, could make such a life, then that would be beautiful. A divine miracle. Not a sin.

"You had been warned from the very beginning to control your feelings for Dean Winchester, even after we had brought you back here and we, " he paused and shook his head. "Reminded you of the consequences of becoming too attached. Still, after all of that, you continued to fall for that broken man."

Castiel looked away. Yes, they reminded him to keep his feelings at bay, back then. Reminded him with whips and punches, and torture he had never felt before. That was also during Zachariah's reign and he made sure Castiel would never interfere with his master plans. Falling in love with Dean meant that the threat of Castiel helping Dean avert the apocalypse was more likely, and it was almost funny that it was exactly what Castiel had ended up doing.

"So you not only fell in love with a human, but you rejected your duties as an angel and you did it all for  _him._ You continued to run around with him, despite all the warnings from your brethren, and then well, you freed Metatron, and why? Because he  _may_  have had information to help your poor Dean from the curse that he had bestowed upon himself, with the help from one of the worst people imaginable. Cain."

Adriel steeled himself and made eye contact with Castiel. His face contorted as if he was in pain. "The mark you had removed by doing a spell, and that, oh yeah, needed the grace of an angel in love,  _again_. Now goodbye mark, hello Darkness. This is, of course, the worst charge, Castiel and the one that will most likely find you at the receiving end of an angel blade."

He paused.

"We may even overlook all of the others, since they don't hold much weight as letting the Darkness out. I mean, even with your most recent indulgence with Dean won't matter."

Castiel's eyes widened. They knew he and Dean had been intimate. Of course. "Adriel…  _brother."_  Castiel felt weird even calling him that. He was so detached from Heaven, and even it being the wrong choice of endearment, he said it anyway, hoping it would soften Adriel, even just a little.

"Love isn't wrong. It's beautiful, Adriel. What Dean and I have, I wish everyone to feel someday." Castiel felt his heart expand as those words left his mouth. The love he had for Dean overflowed his heart and poured out of him, and it felt like a warm light spreading over his body and protecting him in a warm tight hug.

"Angels don't love, Castiel. Not like that," Adriel said, harshly. "Besides, we swore to adhere to the rules. God's rules. You always did have trouble doing that, though. Stupid rebellious Castiel and his naive little mind."

The reality of what Adriel was saying came crashing down on Castiel. Both spells that ultimately would destroy Heaven needed  _his g_ race. They knew this, Michael, God, they knew the strength of the grace of an angel in love and they knew it could be used to make all the angels in Heaven fall, or release the Darkness. It was clear now as to why they were so adamant about enforcing that rule, that no angel should fall in love with a human. It was why they warned him not to get too close to Dean. Suddenly Castiel had become a liability. He'd become the one to destroy everything because of his love for Dean.

But they made him forget. They had erased his mind. If he'd known. If they would have just told him, maybe things could have been different. Why would Adriel know the truth about the spells when he didn't.

Adriel closed in on Castiel. "You make me sick," he hissed and then he turned on his heel. "Your day to speak is tomorrow." Adriel snapped his head to look at Castiel. "And then we will make our final judgment. Think hard now, Castiel, for what you will say in your defense, not that it will matter much."

He disappeared into the shadows. Castiel was left chained to the wall and he wriggled his hands, trying to fight off the numbness that was coming over them. His head was hanging low and his heart grew heavy. He wished he could see Dean, just one last time and look into those emerald eyes and say, "I love you" just once more before he was gone forever. As he began to lose consciousness, he focused on trying to reach Dean through his subconscious. He wasn't sure if it would work but he had to at least try.


	14. Chapter 14

Dean lied still, holding Sam's hand as Gabriel finished the incantation. Just as he was about to say that he didn't think it worked, his eyes opened and he was sitting behind the wheel of the Impala with his hand gripping his jacket. He looked around, breathing deeply.

"I guess it worked," he said, remembering that this was where his Heaven started all those years ago. While it felt real to be sitting in Baby like this on the open road, there was something just a little off, indicating that this indeed was not his own dimension. There was lma stillness in the air. No wind. No insects outside. Just him and his car on the axis mundi.

He knew if he got out, he'd run into that memory of Sam and him lighting off fireworks and that the houses on the side, held the memory of his mom. Part of him really wanted to but he had to focus on his mission and not get sidetracked and so he hit the gas and drove.

Nothing for miles, just empty road and a sky that looked like something out of a Pink Floyd acid trip. The stars appeared as if they were raining down on him, but just as they'd hit the atmosphere, they'd fizzle away like tiny pieces of lint. The trees that lined the road were as normal as ever but Dean could tell that as he drove by, they all looked the same. He wondered if such detail was mundane since he rarely paid attention to these things in his own reality.

His eyes caught something in the distance in the middle of the road. It was mixture of tan and black. It was hard to make out so Dean squinted at it and as he drove, his eyes widened. It was Cas. Castiel. His Cas. He slammed on the breaks and rushed out of the car, now that Cas was only about twenty feet away.

"Cas!" he yelled out, running toward him.

Castiel turned and smiled. "Hello, Dean."

Dean threw his arms around him, hugging him so tightly, he would have broken Castiel's back if he was just a human. He pulled back and cupped Castiel's face. "Holy shit, how..." Dean stepped back, noticing Cas in his old get up. Trenchcoat, tax accountant suit, blue tie on backwards…

"Wait, this isn't really you ,is it?"

Castiel tilted his head and squinted. "I'm not sure I understand."

"This is a memory." Dean looked around and tried to place what timeline this was. He spun around with a slight feeling of confusion. He didn't remember.

"No. Dean," Castiel grabbed Dean's shoulder and steadied him. "I was searching for you, but," Castiel looked around, furrowing his brow. "Are you in Heaven?"

"Yes. I mean, I think so. I tried to-"

"Dean? Oh no, did you…?" Castiel's face was long and full of fear. Dean shook his head and placed his hand on Castiel's. He had no idea how happy he was to see him. There he was, his angel staring back at him and all of the moments they shared came crashing back. He just wanted to wrap him in his arms forever and never let him go.

"No, no. It's a spell. I came to find you, Cas."

Castiel backed away, eyes glassy and unfocused. Dean watched him, and stepped in his direction but Castiel just kept backing away.

"A spell? Dean, what did you do?"

Cas' face was now hard and he was giving Dean that typical pissed off, pouty look that made the angel appear almost child like. Dean was a little taken aback by his tone. He hadn't seen 'angry Cas' in quite a while.

"It's okay, Cas. It's safe. Sam's there and we- I just had to find you. Hannah told me you were locked up. Cas, it's okay, I'm gonna get you out."

Castiel softened and he walked back over to Dean and pulled him into a hug. Dean sighed into his neck and wanted so much to just break down and cry but he held it in. Cas twisted Dean's jacket into his fists. "Dean, oh, Dean. You can't be here. You just can't," Castiel said against Dean's shoulder.

Dean pulled back and cupped Cas' face. "I'm not leaving you in that place, Cas. I'm just not."

"But Dean, they'll catch you and when they do… Dean please, go back. I- I've accepted my fate, I just wanted one last chance to see you and..."

Castiel dropped his head on Dean's shoulder again. "To tell you that I love you."

Cas' voice cracked and Dean noticed his breathing becoming more strained. It was when he felt the moisture against his skin that he lifted Cas' face. Cas had tears pouring down his cheeks and the sight sent Dean into a downward spiral of agony.

"Cas, no, please don't."

Seeing Cas cry was probably the most heartbreaking thing for Dean to see. He'd never witnessed it before. Castiel had never cried in front of him and he wasn't even aware that he could.

"You have to go back," Castiel said, now pulling himself together.

Dean shook his head. "No."

"How are you even able to get here, Dean? What magic is this?"

Castiel was looking at Dean, sternly now. Dean swallowed, knowing full well that Cas wasn't going to like what he was about to say. It had always seemed that he pissed off Cas one way or another with his reckless decisions.

"It's uh," Dean rubbed the back of his neck as Castiel gave him that hard glare. "We found Gabriel… he knew a spell and it got me here, Cas."

"What?" Castiel's eyes were wide now. "Please tell me you're joking."

What could Dean really do but tell Cas the truth? Dean was aware of the stupidity of it all, but Cas would have to understand. "Did you hear me? We found Gabriel. After we get you back, we can find God and-"

Dean couldn't even continue. Castiel tore himself away from Dean and turned. He brought his hand to his head and inhaled, deeply.

"You're so stupid, Dean."

 _Stupid?_ Now Dean was pissed. He stepped in front of Cas and pulled his hand away from his face. "Stupid? Yeah, maybe, but Cas, I'm not letting you rot in some fucking prison in Heaven, okay? Don't tell me you wouldn't do the same. Hell, you  _did_ do the same, in a way. Notice I have no mark, right?"

"How do you even know it's really Gabriel. Last time he came to me, he'd been trapped by Metatron. Dean, really-"

"It's him. I know it's him." Dean raked his teeth across his bottom lip. "You fucking take risks and so do I."

"Dean, I-"

"I'm going to find you and when I do, you're coming home with me. Got it? Now you can tell me where to find you, or I'll just do it on my own, but either way, Cas, I'm coming for you."

Dean felt good about his outburst. Sure, it was a little harsh, but it was also giving him that push to get things rolling. He headed back to the Impala and searched around to find the 'escape hatch'. He felt a hand on his back and he straightened up and turned to a solemn looking Castiel.

"I'll stay with you."

Dean looked up and sighed. Castiel rested his hand on Dean's shoulder and said, "But you need to get back in the car and drive, as if it was just a normal day, then you'll be able to notice the escape hatch."

Dean nodded and he waited until Cas got into the passenger seat to get behind the wheel. He started her up and they drove down the dark open road. Dean turned on the radio and searched for anything he'd normally listen to. He settled for some Rolling Stones,  _Wild Horses_. He glanced at Castiel who seemed to be pleased with the music choice.

He was thankful Cas had been able to find him, but the fact that he had to in the first place made Dean so angry at himself. He shouldn't have let him go alone to the frame store. With all that was going on, he should have known something could have happened to him. He thought of those stupid pictures Crowley had sent before Castiel left the bunker and his stomach became queasy.

"Look, Cas. I know you saw those pictures that Crowley texted, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."

"Dean. You don't have to. It's okay. I understand."

Dean looked at him briefly and he just wanted to kiss him. "I just need you to know that it was a long time ago, while I was a demon and, well, it meant jack squat, okay?"

Castiel smiled at him and nodded. "I know, Dean. I mean, it  _was_ Crowley and that fact alone made it awful to look at but, well, I guess we've all made some mistakes."

Dean chuckled at that. "Yes, we have."

His smile grew bigger when he saw Castiel's face light up into a huge grin. He was so beautiful. His special angel. His Castiel. He thought of the hundreds of times they'd been right here together. Cas in the passenger seat as Dean drove. He remembered when they'd cruise around, listening to music, as Cas told him a story about Heaven, or some other tale Dean couldn't even remember now. It didn't matter because the most important thing was that they were together.

Dean realized that Cas was his other half. The yin to his yang, so to speak. The peanut butter to his jelly. The frick to his frack and… okay he had to stop because even he was getting grossed out by the utter sappiness that was roaming around in his head.

He glanced at Cas again and something weird started to happen. Cas started to fade in and out and flicker. "Cas?" Dean reached out for him. "What was that?"

"Oh. it's okay, I'm just in and out of consciousness."

"Are you uh, sleeping? I mean how are even here?" Dean glanced at Cas briefly before focusing back onto the road, still looking for anything out of the ordinary.

Castiel sighed. "Not sleeping no."

Dean looked his way again."What do you mean, then how?"

"I'm uh..."

Dean could tell Castiel was having difficulty. He was doing that usual thing he did when he was trying to figure out what to say, looking away while his lips formed words that never came out.

"Cas, come on. What's going on."

"They're torturing me, Dean. The pain is causing me to pass out."

And that was how Cas did it all the time. He would spend minutes trying to word something perfectly so that Dean wouldn't freak the fuck out but every single time, he would end up just blurting it out, blunt and direct and Dean would, in fact,  _freak the fuck out._

Dean slammed on the brakes and did all he could to hold himself together. He hated those dicks. He hated Heaven and right now he even hated God. "Mother fuckers!"

"Dean, when you find me, just be prepared. They're not holding back on anyone's account."

"Shit!" His hands gripped the steering wheel. He was ready to kill them all. He didn't care about their rules and he sure as hell didn't give a rat's ass about Hannah. They were all going to die if anything more happened to Cas.

"Dean."

"I'm gonna find you, Cas, and then I swear to…  _whoever_  that if one of them, even Hannah, gets in my way, they're gonna regret it."

A brief glance at Cas and his heart was breaking. Cas laid a hand on his shoulder and Dean leaned into it, closing his eyes. He slid his body closer to him and laid his head down on Cas' shoulder.

The angel's warmth eased him, even just for a little while. He felt Cas' chest move with each breath and the light kisses on Dean's head made him tingle all over. Dean had wanted to do this a million times over the years, and for obvious reasons, he'd held back. There had been so many nights when he had wanted to just melt into his angel's arms and forget about the world. He knew that just his mere touch would quiet Dean's mind and that it would be peaceful, and warm, and full of love and not that different than how his mother made him feel. Except this would be from the man he loved.

He opened his eyes to confess all of this to Castiel when he noticed something immediately near the glove compartment. It was a small Biggerson's sticker. He squinted and ran his finger across it.

"I don't remember that," he said to Cas.

"Try to peel it."

Dean's pointer and thumb grabbed the edge of the sticker and he peeled it back, exposing a button. He lifted his head and looked at Cas who nodded for him to continue. Dean pressed it and suddenly a sliver of light was seen across the street, along the side of the road.

"Is that-"

"Yes."

They exited the car and Dean headed over to it. He inhaled deeply and turned to Cas, who was now holding his hand. "Dean, once you're in, you need to find a grand hall. It's past the prison cells, but still in the main holding area."

Dean nodded. He felt something in his hand and looked down at an angel blade. "Oh, how did that get there?"

Cas smiled. "Just be careful, Dean. Once they figure out the breach, they will come looking for you."

"Careful is my middle name," Dean said, with a half smile.

Castiel tilted his head and squinted, "I wasn't aware that..." He smiled back at Dean. "It isn't and you're not." They shared a smile.

Cas continued, "You'll have to find the door to the main area. It'll be different for you then it would be for an angel, so I have no idea what it will look like, just keep your eyes open."

Dean pulled Cas into a hug and nuzzled his face against his cheek. "Just hang in there, buddy. I'm coming for you."

Castiel pulled away and kissed Dean, softly. Dean kissed him back, pressing his lips hard against Cas', then he kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, "I love you."

Dean tried to decipher Cas' expression now but he was already pushing him toward the door. They gave each other one last hug and Dean held his breath as he went through.

"Here goes everything."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dean was in a sterile hallway lined with white tiles and obnoxious fluorescent bulbs. He turned back to his door and saw his name ' _Dean Winchester 1979-'_

"Well, this is disturbing," he said to himself.

The hall seemed to go on forever and it wasn't like anything he was expecting. He thought Heaven would consist of waterfalls, harps, and maybe some endless supply of candy, or something. He remembered his times in the green room and that reminded him of a museum, with the renaissance style paintings and sculptures.

But this was like something out of a bad sci fi movie. Too bright and too silent, making his blue canvas jacket and brown work boots really stand out. He thought of his plan and he had to admit that he was going in half cocked. He had been so set on getting to Cas, he didn't really think of the fact that he was breaking into Heaven, where angels happen to live, and oh yeah, that love to smite. Not to mention that none of them really liked Dean. He was in the middle of the Death Star and all he had was an angel blade and a fierce determination to save his Cas.

Dean shook his head and continued. Sam was always the one who'd plan things out carefully. He'd have a map, a list of possible ways in, and a well thought out escape plan. Not Dean. No. Dean would dive right in head first and hope for the best. He knew that doing this alone was a bad idea. Sam should be here with him, but of course he had to venture in here alone. His mind drifted to what of what Sam would be talking to Gabriel about right about now.

It was weird that he had been waiting for them to find him. There was no trust between them. Zero. But something about his willingness to help made him realize that whatever was unleashed, it would need all of them sticking together. None of them would be getting out scott free so it was time to put all differences aside and fight the common enemy.

Dean tossed him out of his head and focused on the task at hand. He looked for a door that would lead him into the main part of Heaven. He wasn't sure what to look for. Each door had his name on it, with different dates of births and deaths. He couldn't believe that this was what it actually looked like. You're very own matrix is just a fucking room in a god damned creepy ass hallway.

"Come on, there has to be a clue."

Finally he came to a door that only had a sign that read "Stairway" and the drawing of steps. Dean rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Stairway to Heaven. That's good."

The door opened without a sound and he started his ascent. He found it unsettling that there was absolutely no sound, whatsoever. Even his steel tip boots weren't making noise. A tickle in his throat caused a small cough that echoed way louder than normal. He passed the third flight, the the fourth. He wondered how much farther he'd have to go but once he hit the fifth, he spotted a door with a small window. He carefully peeked out and saw a whole different type of Heaven.

This looked more ancient, with stone walls, candles lit against the rock, giving off eerie looking shadows. He slowly pushed the door open and slipped through, hugging the wall. There didn't seem to be any angels around, at least not in his general vicinity, so he slithered further in. Looking around, he could sense the aged quality of the place. It was here even before and he could see tiny writing on the walls, which he assumed was in Enochian. He wondered how many times Cas had walked down these halls when he was a good little soldier.

This was Castiel's home, once upon a time. This is where Castiel would talk to his fellow angels, and where he would follow his superiors and take orders. This was where he'd come back to after all those times he'd disappeared on Dean. This was where he got the orders to rescue him from hell. This was where he was taken to when he was getting too close to Dean and they had to whip him back into shape. Dean shivered. He didn't like this place, already.

He had no idea where to even start. He felt like he was in some medieval castle. He expected to see iron chandeliers that held actual candles instead of lightbulbs and he looked up, yup, there it was. He shook his head and kept on, passing by dark corridors that kept hitting him with cool drafts and that seemed to go on forever. He tried to imagine just how vast Heaven really was, to be able to house all those souls in their personal heavens, and to be home to all the angels… this place must be immense. Dean didn't have time to check each nook and cranny, but he made a mental note to try and get a grand tour one of these days. Not that the angels up here would. Maybe Cas would, if and when they find God.

Dean smiled at the thought of Cas showing Dean around his former home.

Coming up on a slightly different looking area, Dean glanced around for anything even remotely resembling a prison door. He figured it would have to be somewhat noticeable. Big. Maybe a sign on the door? A fucking neon sign? Anything? He chuckled when he thought that a ' _You Are Here'_  mall map would have been nice.

After what felt like hours of aimlessly wandering the dark and dank hallways of Heaven, Dean found the prison. It was just an ordinary door with a small window, similar to the one in the stairwell. He remembered Cas said that he was being held not too far from there and so he moved past it, ducking out of view of a few angels that guarded it. Luckily they were more concerned with keeping an eye on the prison then the corridor he was in. He slipped past them and continued until he saw archways that opened up to a bigger room.

He wasn't even sure what he was looking at. It almost resembled a medieval dungeon. This was Heaven? It looked more like Hell. Really. It was too dark to see much of anything. The only light came from the candles that were lit around the room, but there weren't enough to really make a difference.

He noticed a body against the far wall and when he squinted, it wasn't Cas, but some other poor sap they had chained up and obviously had been torturing due to the welts and cuts all over his body.

This was terrible. The only thing that kept rolling around in his mind was that Cas was here and they had been hurting him. Dean could feel the blood rush from his neck to his cheeks. He searched, frantically for his angel. He refused to let him endure this kind of treatment any longer. When he was about to walk into the middle of the room to get a view of all the walls, he heard his name.

"Dean."

Dean turned in the direction of the gravelly voice and he saw Cas in chains, bloodied, bruised, and it made his heart sink. He ran to him, bending over to stay out of the light and to remain in the shadows. The open wounds on Cas' chest and legs were bleeding pretty badly and Dean was sure there had been whip markings. It was his face that caused Dean's blood to run cold. He was half conscience and one eye had been swollen shut. There were other bruises and marks along his jaw and right cheek. He tried to remember the last time he'd seen Cas so beaten up. Surely he'd seen him worse, right?

"Fuck, Cas," Dean said, as low as possible.

He could see Castiel try to talk but the blood in his mouth was making it difficult. Suddenly a flash of their fight came into his mind.

" _No, Dean, please..."_

He pushed it away, refusing to think about it. "Cas, I'm gonna get you out of here."

"It-it was really you. I found you in your Heaven, it was-" Castiel coughed.

"Yeah, it was me, Cas," Dean said, examining the chains. "How do I open these? There's no keyhole."

"They're Heaven's, you won't-" Cas' head dropped from exhaustion. This small amount of conversation was draining him already.

"It's okay, don't talk. I'll figure it out."

But Dean was worried. These seemed impenetrable. No key. No tool available to break it. He was about to use his angel blade when out of nowhere, a loud voice bellowed from other side of the room. Dean looked up but the area was shrouded in shadow, he couldn't make out who it was.

"Dean, hide… it's the guards. Hide, Dean," Castiel said in between coughs.

Dean brushed his fingers across Cas' hand and then slipped behind a column. He watched two angels, a tall one and the other one small, almost the same size as Gabriel, as they made their way across the room and over toward Cas. Dean pressed his body closely to the wall to remain undetected.

The smaller one did something to the shackles and suddenly they came undone. Cas' upper body fell forward and the larger angel caught him. Dean's heart raced like a god damned time bomb ready to explode. He wasn't sure what to do. Should he attack? Should he just wait. It wasn't until he saw Cas turn to him and give him that look Dean knew so well, the ' _Don't do anything stupid'_  look, that Dean got his answer. So Dean would wait and see how this played out.

It happened so fast, Dean didn't even have time to think. The angels were dragging Castiel away and he couldn't let that happen. He had to rescue Cas. That was what he came here for and despite all of his instincts telling him otherwise, Dean leapt out at the angels, pushing the small one over. Cas stumbled onto one knee and the taller angel turned to Dean, his eyes wide.

"What is this?" he said, in a voice so deep, it sent vibrations through the room.

"No, Dean-" Castiel's voice cracked and he was looking at Dean with the most painful expression Dean thought he had ever seen.

"Dean? Dean Winchester?" The smaller angel walked over to him and smiled. "Did you come here to save Castiel?"

He wasn't sure what to say. He wasn't dead yet, so he assumed the angels had orders or something not to kill him. Or maybe they just wanted to find out how he broke in, after all. Heaven was supposed to be guarded, and here he was, inside their very own pentagon.

"How about you asshats walk away and we can pretend you never even saw me, sound good?" Dean smirked at the angels and the taller one laughed.

"Seriously? Are you mad?" He motioned for the smaller angel. "Tirian, take Castiel to the theater. I'll- I'll handle this one," he said now looking back at Dean. The shorter angel nodded and grabbed hold of Castiel's shoulders, causing Cas to let out a small whimper.

Dean had this gigantic angel, probably as tall as Sam even, staring down at him, ready to beat him into next Tuesday. Dean knew he didn't stand a chance. He knew that this was probably the way he was going to go out. He laughed internally at the fact that he was about to die… in Heaven. What are the odds?

With a shrug, Dean advanced toward him but the angel reached out and wrapped his hand around Dean's neck. His large hands were almost able close it entirely around him. Dean gasped as panic filled him to the bones. He glanced at Castiel who was now almost out of sight.

_Dammit._

 

 

* * *

 

 

They threw him into a jail cell before he could even attempt at fighting back. Not that it would have done any good, seeing they were in fact, angels, and stronger than he'd remembered. He was pushed to his knees and they locked the barred door after them. He stood and brushed off his jeans.

"Dean?"

A hauntingly familiar voice came from his left. He snapped his head and his mouth dropped open. He could very well be imagining it. He could be unconscious and dreaming, but there, in the cell next to his, was Bobby.

"Is it…" Dean wasn't sure his mouth was even working properly. Those focused eyes were staring back at him, probably in disbelief as well and when he saw his face soften and he uttered, "Balls." Dean knew it was really him.

"Jesus, Bobby. What the hell?"

"Well at least it's not, you know,  _hell._ " Bobby neared the bars and Dean did the same. He reached out his hand and Dean grabbed it, his heart now a brick in his chest.

"This is because of that thing you did, with Cas…"

Bobby sighed. "Well he was damn certain that fraggle knew a cure for your mark of Cain."

Dean chuckled at the comparison. Bobby continued, "And by the way, what in the hell were you thinkin' boy?"

"I wasn't."

"And?"

Dean tilted his head. "And?"

"Well, did it work? Are ya cured?"

"Yeah, but no thanks to Meta… the fraggle."

Dean drew a breath and it finally hit him that he was here with Bobby. The man who practically raised him. The man who'd done anything for him and Sam. Suddenly he was back at his old house in the scrap yard, eating canned chili and tossing back cold ones. He was sitting on Bobby's old worn out couch with Sam, a book in his lap. He saw Bobby behind his desk, telling them about Heaven, and Hell, and angels. Man, he missed the old goat.

And he was in fucking goddamned prison in Heaven? Oh, this won't do. Not at all.

"I'm just so damn happy to see you, Bobby."

Bobby cracked a small smile. "Ditto, kid. Now, what are you doing here anyhow?"

"They have Cas. It's… a long story."

"Well it ain't like we're goin' anywhere. And if you're here, does that mean..."

"No, it's a spell. I'm asleep. Sorta like a cosmic sleep." Dean wanted to sit, he was feeling a bit beaten up by the angel's rough housing but he couldn't bring himself to let go of Bobby's hand.

"The mark released the Darkness. Cas had something to do with it so they nabbed him. Making him pay for his crimes." Dean rubbed the back of his neck, fighting off the chills that the last sentence gave him.

"Meanwhile, back at the fortress of Solitude, Gabriel and Sam helped me break into Heaven by doing this spell," Dean finished.

Bobby's face contorted as he barked. "For the love of… Darkness? Gabriel?"

"Bobby, it's bad. Like some pre-biblical thing that God and the Archangels fought and well, it's back and we're hoping to find God, and now that we found Gabriel, maybe-"

"Find God? Well good luck with that. I remember how well that turned out for Cas."

"We're hoping Bobby. It's the only option we have. This Darkness, it has these like  _Sith_ angels and their goin' around multiplying like fucking bunnies, or from what I've heard and they'll destroy earth, and Heaven. No one's safe."

"Well ain't that just the way things always gotta be, huh?"

Bobby extended his other arm out in between the bars and he gave Dean a light tap on the shoulder. "I'm just glad you're okay Dean. The way Cas and Sam made it sound, well, they were pretty scared and nobody likes to see someone like Cas, spooked. Chilled me to the bone."

Dean rested his forehead to the bars and sighed. "I'm gonna make sure you get back to your Heaven, Bobby, and I'm rescuing Cas." He lifted his eyes to the older man and smiled a little, because it was still so amazing to see him. "And that's that."

They shared a smile that was both sincere and sad. Dean wasn't sure how he'd actually be able to get Bobby out or free Cas, for that matter. He was in a prison that was probably harder to break out of than Fort Knox. Not that Dean would give up hope. Not when so much was at stake.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Bobby and Dean were in the middle of a conversation about Sam when Hannah entered the prison. He excused the guards and Dean was unimpressed. He had nothing to say to him nor did he want to hear anything from his traitorous mouth.

"Oh, well if it isn't Cas' backstabbing buddy. So nice to see you," Bobby said, the sarcasm oozing off of him with his fake smile.

Hannah approached them, his eyes focusing more on Dean and ignoring Bobby altogether. "Dean, I'm sorry about all of this, but how did you get in here? You're not dead, that I know."

"I have nothing to say to you." Dean kept his gaze on Bobby, knowing that one look at that douchebag's face will likely make him punch the wall and he was in no mood in breaking his knuckles.

"They're taking Castiel for his trial, we need to stop it."

Dean and Bobby both snapped their heads in his direction. "Stop it? Why now? Why help now?"

"Because," he looked around nervously. "Because I do care about Castiel, Dean. I don't want him to suffer at the hands of Adriel."

"Suffer? What are they gonna do to him?" Dean neared the other side of the cell, to where Hannah stood. His skin was tingling, like tiny sparks were hitting him all over from an unseen force. Was that coming from Hannah?

"They will mutilate him. We need to go now. Please. I need your help. The other angels, they're less willing to assist. Dean, please."

Dean sighed. "Of course I'm gonna do whatever I can to help Cas." He turned to Bobby. "Bobby's coming, too."

Hannah shook his head. "No, no, that's too risky. He can't come."

"Well then you send him back to his own Heaven."

Dean didn't look at Bobby. He was pretty sure Bobby had no intention of getting into the fray with them. He was at rest, at peace, until they came in and fucked it up for him. He knew Bobby would do anything to help, but this time, Dean would make sure Bobby sat this one out.

 

 

 

After a tearful goodbye and Hannah bringing Bobby back to his 'room', Dean followed him through a dark tunnel that must have been underneath the area they had just been. Dean still wasn't sure he could trust Hannah, but if this was going save Cas, then he'd go along and hope for the best.

"This is all your fault, you know." Dean just had to say it. It had been on the tip of his tongue the entire walk to Bobby's. He didn't care about pleasantries, as he had nothing to offer Hannah as far as friendship.

Hannah stopped, eyes focused hard on him like Dean was his prey. Dean shivered at the icy glare.

"My fault? You can't really believe that. None of this would even be happening if it wasn't for you."

Dean kept on following him, keeping silent, knowing the next words out of Hannah's mouth would be the fact that Cas had fallen because of him. Blah blah, fucking blah. He'd heard it all before and he couldn't honestly give a rat's ass what these angels thought.

Because they didn't know the real bond between them. They had no idea what true love was, or how it felt to utterly give yourself wholly to someone. How you just know that the universe refused to let you lose each other and all along, you belonged together. To just look into their eyes and know, at that moment that everything was going to be okay. The world could end, but as long as you were together, nothing mattered.

"And I will have you know that, yes, I had captured him. But I had to. If I didn't, someone else would have. My intent was to keep him safe in prison and I was going to see to it that his sentence be fair and maybe he be released."

Hannah stopped and turned to Dean who stopped before walking right into him. "Released back to you, but Adriel got him, it all happened too quickly. I couldn't stop it and now... " Hannah turned back ahead and continued walking. "We have to get to Castiel in time."

The tunnels were dark and cold. Dean should be shivering but he guessed since he was not really in his corporeal body, so to speak, it didn't affect him as it normally would have. Of course, the angel beat down was plenty painful, maybe because they were angels and this was their turf.

He didn't know and didn't care. He was edgy and ready to just get Cas and take him far, far away from this place. He would be happy to never see another angel again, other than Cas of course.

Hannah stopped in front of a steel door. He glanced briefly at Dean and inhaled. "This is it. I have no idea how we're going to pull this off, but this is where Castiel is."

Dean waited for Hannah to open the door and he drew in a shaky breath, feeling his nerves ball up in his stomach and move up to settle in his throat. He didn't know what he was about to see, or how they were going to get out alive, but really, he had to at least believe there'd be a way.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel was being dragged into the large room that was set up like a concert hall. He lifted his head, recognizing where they had taken him. This was where Michael would speak. This was where the public mutilation and torture of fallen angels had taken place. Castiel's blood ran cold as he glared at all the angels sitting in the bleachers, as if awaiting the bloodshed like hungry wolves. He could feel the hatred oozing out of them. Their eyes shot daggers and even though he couldn't read their minds, he was certain they were all wishing him a very slow and painful death.

He was thrown into a large chair made of stone and out came three angels, Castiel assumed were the new judges, and they sat across from him in even bigger stone chairs. He only recognized one of the three. Abathar. It made sense, since he was always just and fair in his dealings with other angels.

The room quieted as one of the angels, the eldest, held up his hand, his dark eyes focused on Castiel and he breathed out a disappointing sigh. "Castiel, do you understand the charges brought against you?"

Castiel searched the room for Hannah. He wasn't even sure why he assumed he'd be here, but seeing as it was his fault he was being held in the first place, he thought Hannah would enjoy seeing the show.

"This is a waste of time. The Darkness-"

The eldest angel held his hand up again as his eyebrows narrowed so deeply, it seemed like the lines were literally cutting into his forehead. "You will have your time to talk, Castiel. Answer the question."

Castiel nodded, defeated.

"So, is that a ' _yes'?"_  the angel asked.

"Yes," Castiel said, with no other option.

"Good. I am Hesediel. You don't remember me because, well, I assume because of your memory wipes. I am here to let justice be done." Hesediel turned to the angel next to him. "Vehuel, please read off the charges, for those who remain unaware."

Vehuel, the youngest angel, stood up with a scroll in hand. She looked briefly at Castiel and then back at Hesediel who waved his hand in a gesture for her to move it along.

"Castiel, angel of Thursday is hereby charged with breaking Heaven's laws. He fell in love with a human," The room booed and she eyed the crowd.

Her eyes returned back to the scroll. "Whom he had fornicated with," More boos and now hisses. "Whilst being an angel. His grace was then offered, freely, to cure the curse, bestowed upon said human, thus, releasing the Darkness."

The crowd was now shouting words Castiel could barely make out. Vehuel nodded at the room and then at Hesediel before taking her seat.

"Thank you Vehuel" Hesediel turned to Castiel. "What do you have to say in your defense?"

Castiel swallowed. "Yes, I fell in love," More boos and angry shouts. "But why would God had given us the ability to love if he had never meant for us to?" He looked around at the crowd and they were not impressed with his words. More angry stares remained once Hesediel silenced them.

"And it was my duty to raise Dean from perdition, and since then, I can't explain why it happened. I fell in love. And so did he."

Hesediel was watching Castiel with a softer face now. He wasn't so harsh looking, save for his long pointed nose and deep cut brow. Castiel wasn't entirely sure he would see things his way, but this angel was not intent on treating him unfairly. That much he could tell.

"I didn't know about the mark being the key. My memory had been wiped many times, it wasn't fair to keep such important information secret. If I'd known… I don't know, but the fact that the hierarchy refused to release that information clearly is not my fault."

Hesediel rose and approached Castiel, his long, bony fingers laced in front of him. He held a certain confident gait, one that someone of royalty would have. A ruler, but not just a king, someone who took control with ease. Authority came naturally for him, from what Castel could tell.

"So you admit to these crimes, Castiel?"

"If they shall be deemed as crimes, then yes. I cannot deny I fell in love, shared intimate moments with him..."

Castiel blushed. He had forgotten that nothing gets past the angels in Heaven. He wasn't at all embarrassed at having those beautiful moments with Dean, but the fact that they had all looked at the act as something horrifically shameful, it it made him uncomfortable sharing anything they had done together.

He continued, "And used my grace for the spell to cure him." Castiel sighed. "And I don't regret any of it. This Darkness, these dark angels, the Belial, they will destroy everything now. While we can blame me for unleashing it, it doesn't change that fact that we all need to band together and fight. We need to find God."

Laughter filled the room mixed with faint whispers. Hesediel turned to the crowd and silenced them once again. "God?" He turned to Castiel. "You can't possibly think he's still alive, Castiel. after all this time?"

"I can hope."

Castiel felt the faith restore in his heart as he had all those years ago when he'd gone searching for God, knowing he'd fix everything, bring order to a chaotic Heaven. The crush of Joshua's words still weighed heavy on him, but Castiel's renewed hope that his father was still out there, somewhere, gave him something to fight for.

"Let me find him, then you can charge me with anything you feel fit. Please, Hesediel."

But it didn't matter. Hesediel's expression remain unchanged. He didn't believe God was still alive, therefore he would make the final judgement on Castiel and deliver the sentence the crowd had been waiting so eagerly for. Castiel found it interesting that the very angels who protected Heaven had no longer believed in God. Or that he was alive.

"I'm sorry, Castiel." He turned to the crowd. "Castiel is guilty of said crimes and shall be punished accordingly." His eyes flashed to Castiel. "His wings will be removed, permanently"

Castiel's eyes widened and he felt all the blood leave his face. His back tingled, as if his skin was trying to awaken him out of a nightmare. This wasn't happening. This just can't be. Before he could even take it all in and let those words actually mean something, hands were reaching for him, pulling him out of the chair and across the front of the hall.

Toward the stage.

He looked up at the X and the room seemed to spin, he wasn't sure if he would actually pass out. But then he thought of Jolie, and how brave he'd been, knowing his fate. He didn't fight or struggle, even though he was well aware of the impending doom.

So Castiel straightened and held his head high. So what, his wings were broken anyway. He couldn't fly, he was barely even fully charged as an angel. Heaven had long rejected him, or he'd rejected Heaven. Either way, it would have been only a matter of time before he'd lose his angelic grace, anyway. Most of it.

They pulled him onto the stage, but Castiel didn't resist. He let them bind his wrists and ankles to the large planks. His eyes scanned the crowd and the only thing worse than what was about to happen to him, was seeing the hungry look in these angels' eyes. What happened to them? Why did they hate him so much? He wasn't evil. He wasn't set about destroying them or his former home. He was just an angel in love who made decisions that he had felt were right at the time he made them.

This crowd wanted to see him suffer. They called for it, shouting out hurtful things at him. Calling him a bottom feeding human, a disgrace. Words that should have hurt him and maybe years ago they would have. But not today.

If only he'd spent more time with Dean before this. He wondered if Sam and Gabriel had woken Dean out of his slumber by now. He's sure they had a deadline and they wouldn't have let Dean remain here for that long.

Which was good. He didn't want Dean to see this.

Yet there, against the very far wall, Castiel's eyes fixed on a familiar face. Hannah. He wanted to curse at him, yell at him. Make sure he knew how much he'd hurt Castiel, but then Castiel's stomach dropped.

There was Dean, standing next to Hannah. His eyes were wide and his face looked like all the color had left it.  _Oh god, no_. He was hidden well in the back, no other angels seem to notice him. He saw Dean and Hannah exchange words and then it clicked. Hannah was helping Dean. They must have come together to get Castiel but they'd been too late.

Oh, Dean's expression was hurting Castiel so much more than his impending torture. Dean was distressed, looking around as if was trying to find some way to Castiel. Poor Dean.

_Please look away._

Adriel came out, as if on cue. He was holding his great sword, gold and shimmering and too large really for anyone to own. He smiled at Castiel and then at the crowd. Castiel just glared at him, cold and unnerving. Adriel enjoyed this too much, just like Thaddeus. There was something so sinister and dark about him, he could almost be compared to Alistair.

_How did the angels in Heaven become so cruel?_

He thought of the Book of Enoch again. The punishment, the torture of all those fallen must have really been something to fear back then. Of course, all Castiel could think of was how Michael and all the others had held such vital information from them. Information that might have changed everything.

But really, was Castiel any different for not having known it? Would he have not fallen in love? Would he have not rebelled and spent all of his free time with the one man that held his heart?

The man who was staring at him now, lost and confused and full of fear?

"Your wings, Castiel."

Adriel's words seem to cut through the air like a knife, hitting him in the face with the coldness of the blade. Castiel wasn't even sure what his wings looked like now. He was certain most of the feathers were gone. He reached into his mind, pulling what little grace he had left and brought his wings out.

The crowd gasped. Castiel watched as Adriel's eyes widened. He paced in front of Castiel holding his sword and for a brief moment, Castiel could catch his reflection in the gold blade. The air escaped him when he saw what remained of his wings. They were limp and what was left of his usual silver and blue feathers were pale and almost hardly visible. His wings were like two skeletal arms splayed out behind him. He hadn't realized how disheveled they actually were until now and the sight made him dizzy.

They kept him facing the crowd, as Adriel insisted, for some barbaric, torturous reason, Castiel didn't really care much for. He probably wanted Castiel to see the faces of his brethren, or what used to be his brethren, as he removes his wings for all to see.

Castiel couldn't bring himself to even look in Dean's direction. He hoped Hannah would spare him the sight of his upcoming mutilation. Dean didn't need to see this. He really didn't.

And then Adriel held the sword up high and glanced briefly at Hesediel, who gave the nod.

Castiel wasn't sure what to expect, but when he felt the blade hit his back, the pain was so severe that the only image he saw in front of him were stars. It wasn't soon after that initial blow that Castiel felt the room spin and he closed his eyes, welcoming a deep sleep.

He thought of Dean, when they first met and how he'd advanced to him in the barn. Bobby there, trying to attack from behind. Dean looking at him with such wide eyes, such wonder.

Dean not believing in him, or that he should be saved.

He remembered showing Dean his wings then, and to Castiel, they were nothing to brag about. He had them for so long, using them to fly here and there. It was strange at first, being in a vessel and using his wings, though. It wasn't something he'd been used to but it was enjoyable, all the same.

He thought of riding around with Dean in the Impala, after leaving the brothel and Dean telling him that he had never been happier. Castiel recalled feeling honored to be the one to put that smile on the sad hunter's face.

And then he thought of them making love, the bed, the shower, Dean telling him that he loved him…

No, Castiel wouldn't have changed a thing, no matter if he'd known the outcome or not. He was sure of that now. Dean was his true love and worth every second of their time together. Worth  _every_  second. He wouldn't change the smiles, silly jokes, kisses, touches, or sweet exchanges.

He took one last look at Dean and noticed he was crying and mouthing something to him. It seemed like he was so close, in arm's reach. He held his hand out to caress Dean's cheek, tell him everything will be okay, but he knew he was too far away. Castiel's mind was playing tricks on him, probably because in his head, everyone in the room had disappeared and all who remained was his Dean.

But Dean was far in the back, and Castiel wished he could say something, anything to soothe his distressed lover.

" _It will be okay, Dean. This is nothing. Soon we'll be together and have forgotten all about this. This is nothing, Dean. Nothing. Nothing… I love you. I love you and this was all worth it. Meeting you, falling in love, fighting evil with you, making love to you, all of it Dean. All of it."_

A small smile crept over Castiel's face, and then he was out.


	15. Chapter 15

Dean didn't know what he was watching but it was giving him flashbacks of Hell. Making people scream, call out for a God that wouldn't answer. Or care. But Cas wasn't calling out for help. He wasn't trying to stop them. He was holding his head high and taking it. Just like that, taking it like typical Cas. So fucking typical.

There wasn't a silent person in the room. If the angels weren't gasping or crying out, they were cheering on this asshole. Cheering on that sick motherfucker. Dean had always despised the angels but it was nothing compared to the seething hatred he felt now. He'd burn this place down if he could. After he got a hold of Cas, that is.

They were mutilating their own. Who the hell gave them that right? Who made them God with all the judgement and shit? If God were here, if… he brought Cas back twice from being a big pile of nothing and made him more powerful once. There was no way he'd condone this. No fucking way.

His vision blurred as the tears welled up in his eyes and started to pour down his cheeks but he tried to figure out a way down. He looked back at Hannah and he was just staring at the sight with a hand over his mouth. Really?  _Now_  he was shocked and disgusted? He knew this would happen. He knew but acted like a complete dick. Fucking Heaven and its lame ass rules. Fuck this place. Fuck these angels. And fuck Hannah. When he went to move, Hannah stopped him by grabbing his arm and clenching his fingers deep into his skin.

"Ow, the fuck?"

"There's nothing you can do now, Dean."

Dean held back the urge to punch him right in his fake sorry ass face. "What the hell is this, Hannah? This is how you guys maintain law and order? By mutilating your own? You're worse than the goddamned demons. I knew you were all dicks, but this… I'm fucking glad Cas rebelled against you assholes. Fucking glad because he's nothing like you. Or them."

He pointed to the crowd and continued, "He's good and full of love, and all you guys are… you're sadistic, power hungry monsters."

He quickly focused on Castiel again. Looking at Hannah was just sending him into an unstoppable rage and he really didn't feel like dying today. Not when he had to get his angel out of his shithole and back home and into his arms.

Cas was reaching his hand out. There was this light coming from him, it was seeping out and into a small vial.  _His grace._  They're taking his fucking grace.  _Oh god, this is too much to watch._  Is Cas smiling? Why the fuck is he smiling? Dean watched Cas' head drop and it was clear that he had passed out. Dean turned to Hannah as he started pulling Dean back behind the large stone column he'd been hiding behind the whole time.

"I'll send him to you. I won't keep him here. There is no reason for them to hold him in Heaven anyway. He's no longer an angel, Dean."

Dean barely heard him, his words sounded like they were echoing from miles away. All he could focus on is his angel's limp body as the fuckface brought the sword down once again. Dean watched the second wing, or what was left of his wing, fall to the floor. Cas' wings were blue and silver and black. Dean sighed. They must have been so beautiful once upon a time. Man, what he would have given to see them.

But now Cas would be wingless. Human again. He wondered if this would ruin him. He thought of the grim future when Cas was nothing but a drug addicted hippie, so sad and lost. Was that going to happen?

Then he remembered Cas telling him that he give up Heaven for Dean. He'd give up being an angel. Those words sliced through Dean's heart like a sharp razor. He never wanted Cas to give up anything for anyone, let alone him. Now he'd have to walk around with this heavy fucking burden of watching Cas literally lose it all.

Right in front of his eyes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dean opened his eyes and he was back in his room. Hannah, had sent him back with his stupid two fingers on his forehead. He looked at Sam who was rushing to his side. Gabriel was still in the chair, but Dean couldn't even get his mind together. There were just flashes, images dancing around of Cas, chained up on some fucking torture wheel and his wings, fuck, his wings… there was so much blood. When he made eye contact with Sam, all he could do was cry.

After he'd spent too long sobbing like a bitch, Dean pushed off of Sam and sprung to his feet. He raced down the hall, through the kitchen, and up the stairs. He heard Sam's heavy steps following him but he didn't look back. He had to get outside. He had to be there for Cas so he swung the front door open and stepped outside.

Hannah said he'd send Cas back. He was going to wait right there until he did. He'd wait and not move a muscle. He wasn't going to let Cas be dropped off and probably half dead, he wouldn't even be able to knock. He wouldn't be able to walk, even. So Dean would wait right there. Right there for Castiel.

"Dean, what the hell?" Sam said behind him.

"They're gonna send him back to us. Any minute now, Sammy. Any minute," Dean said, his gaze fixed on the sky.

He could hear his brother sighs from behind him but he really didn't want to get into it now. Not yet. He'd wait until Cas was back and then he'd explain everything. Soon, Cas will be home soon. Wait for Cas to show. Wait for Hannah to send him down to him.

"Did you see him? What happened?"

"Yeah. He's alive. He's coming back."

Dean rubbed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair. Cas was on the way. He'd be there when Hannah dropped him off. He was going to be ready, bring Cas in and clean his wounds, stitch him up, help him any way he could.

"Dean!" Sam shouted.

It shook Dean out of his current state and he turned to his brother who had that look on his face again. That worried look. That ' _Holy shit, what the hell is wrong with you, Dean'_  look that Dean had been seeing all year.

"What?"

"Tell me what happened up there."

Dean sighed at the insistence of his little brother. Did he really want to go into detail about how the angels were torturing Cas? How one asshole cut his damn wings off? Right there in front of everyone, on a goddamned stage, no less? Fucking perverse theater of blood and pain and Dean felt the bile rise up again. He was going to vomit.

He bent over and let it out. He made sure to step away from Sam, so not to gross him out. He knew what a weak stomach he had when it came to this shit. Sam could disembowel a demon, decapitate a vampire, even sift through the remains of a shifter, but puke he couldn't handle.

Dean gathered himself after wiping his mouth. He found a nearby patch of grass to run his soiled hand through. He finally turned back to Sam. What was he going to say that wasn't going to make him repeat the same reaction as a few minutes ago? Every time Dean had to picture it, the nausea came back full force.

There was something he  _could_  manage to say, and that was, "Oh, I saw Bobby. Got him back into his Heaven."

Sam's eyes widened. "Wow, that-that's awesome, Dean. But that's not what's making you sick. What happened to Cas?"

Before Dean could even open his mouth, Sam's eyes bulged almost out of his skull. He looked past Dean and when Dean turned around, all of the air left his lungs.

Cas was covered in blood and wobbling, barely able to stand.  _Oh god so much blood._ Without even a second thought, Dean rushed to his side and he pulled Cas' arm around his shoulder. He looked up at Sam for help and Sam was still wide-eyed with his mouth open like he'd just seen a ghost. Okay maybe not a ghost, but something that would make Sam loose all the color in his face.

Finally Sam registered what was going on and ran to them. He took Cas from the other side and they walked him into the bunker. Dean was panting, realizing how heavy Cas was. He's almost dead weight, barely able to stand on his own.

"To the bathroom," Dean commanded. Sam nodded

They carried him to the bunker's bathroom and Dean looked around for something to sit Cas down on. "Let me grab a chair" Sam said, like he was reading Dean's mind.

He slid from under Cas' arm, causing the angel to lean forward onto Dean. Dean did all he could to support him, and not fall over. That would be really bad. The last thing Cas needed was to get even more banged up.

The full length mirror across from them held the horrific image of his angel. Dean tried to look away, but it was impossible. Cas' face was bruised and bloody, the worst Dean had ever seen, and he'd seen Cas after quite a few beatings, by his hand as well. His left eye was still swollen and closed as it was when Dean had found him in that weird dungeon room. There were new cuts and dark purple blotches on his cheeks and forehead. His chin was black and blue and when Dean's eyes fell to Cas' chest, he just about lost it again.

The blood was still oozing out, not pumping but fresh and wet. Dean realized that they must have cut him up even after that mutilation ceremony. The worst of Cas' wounds was lying against Dean's own chest, on Cas' back, where his wings used to be.

Cas was barely conscious but Dean had to talk to him. Tell him that everything was okay. That he was home now and he'd take care of him.

"Cas, Cas can you hear me?"

Castiel moved his head, so very slightly. "D-Dean?" His voice was even more gravely than ever.

"Yeah, Cas, it's me. You're home."

Dean sighed a breath of relief that Cas was able to talk and he was aware that Dean was there with him. Just then, Sam came in with the chair and he set it behind Dean. Sam filled up the bath as Dean sat in the chair with Castiel on his lap and his back against Dean's chest. Dean looked up at Sam and he was shaking his head.

"He looks bad, Dean. What the fuck did they do to him up there?"

Dean really didn't feel like getting into it, especially with Cas in his arms. He didn't want Cas to be reminded of the torment they had put him through up there. Dean gave Sam the 'not now' look and Sam understood with a nod.

The bath was full and Sam helped Castiel into the tub. He gasped when he noticed his back. "Oh my God."

They gently laid him in the bathtub, the water just coming up to his waist. Dean could see Cas was having trouble sitting up so he slid in there with him, positioning himself behind Cas.

"I-I'll go get some peroxide and bandages," Sam said and he walked out.

Dean could tell that Sam probably realized what had happened after seeing how bad Cas' back was. Dean was a little apprehensive to focus in on it, but he knew it was something he'd have to do. He'd have to clean him up and stitch up the open wounds where his wings had been. With bated breath, he leaned Cas forward and brought Cas' arms out to the sides so that they draped over the edges of the tub.

It was horrible. There were two long vertical gashes across his back, exactly where his wings would have been. The blood was still fresh and Dean did all he could not to pass out. This was his angel, his Cas, mutilated by his own people; tortured on display like a goddamned medieval freak show. Dean rested his hand on a shoulder and squeezed.

"Everything's gonna be okay, Cas."

He choked and the tears filled his eyes as he reached for a wash cloth. He dipped it into the water and squeezed it out, over the back wounds. Castiel flinched. "S-sorry, Cas. Gotta clean you up."

Sam came in with the first aid kit, and he pulled out the peroxide along with some gauze and tape. "You should pour some of this back there. I'll take care of his chest and face."

Dean accepted the bottle of peroxide from Sam. "Cas, this is gonna sting a bit." He flipped open the lid and poured the liquid over his back. Castiel winced and hissed, his hands gripping the sides of the tub hard, making his fingers white.

"Dean, did they-" Sam was looking at Dean, but he knew to stop talking once Dean gave him the glare. He figured his silence would answer his brother's question.

"Son of a bitch," Sam said, shaking his head as he dabbed some ointment on Cas' chest.

He'd been cleaning off the blood little by little as Dean did the same on his back. Cas took it well, only yelping a few times. This was probably nothing compared to the pain he felt when he was on that stage. Dean couldn't even think of it.

Those motherfuckers were going to pay. Maybe not now. Maybe not in the near future, but when they find God, he'd be sure to let him in on the bullshit that's been going on in his former home. Hopefully, if God wasn't so disappointed in Dean, himself, he'd give Cas some kind of retribution. Maybe he'd give him back his grace and wings, make him an angel again. God had brought Castiel back before, there was proof that Castiel stood in high regard with him. God loved him. God looked after him.

He'd have to do it again. Just one more time, right? He'd need Castiel all powered up to fight the Darkness. He'd need his best warrior at full strength, right?

Occasionally, Dean glanced at Sam just to see his reaction. Sam was being strong and trying his best not to wince or make any kind of reactive expression while cleaning Cas' wounds. He was happy about that. It seemed that when Sam couldn't hack it, neither could he, so they both had to do their best in getting Cas cleaned up and not dwell on the fact that he looked like he'd been put through a meat grinder.

The long slits down his back were deep. After Dean was satisfied with the cleanliness, and after practically covering his entire back with ointment, he set some clean gauze over his back and looked up at Sam. "I need to stitch him up, can you help me bring him to my room?"

They took Cas to Dean's room, each holding him up from under his arms. He seemed to be waking up a bit, as he glanced at Dean briefly and it looked as if he understood what was going on. At least, Dean had hoped that was what the look meant.

They gently removed his wet boxers and slipped on a clean pair. Sam helped Dean move him to the edge of the bed. They scooted him back a bit as Dean climbed on behind him after changing as well. Castiel was okay to sit up on his own now, so Dean began stitching up his back. Sam watched on, handing Dean anything he needed. A towel here, a piece of gauze there.

It took a while, but it was done. Castiel had remained silent the entire time. Even when Dean tried to strike up casual conversation, the only one who'd join in was Sam. He figured Cas was probably still traumatized, or weak, or tired, most likely. He wasn't going to push it. Cas would talk when he was good and ready.

"I think we all need to eat. I'll go get some pizza," Sam offered, flashing a sympathetic look Dean's way.

Dean nodded to him and he placed his hands on Cas' shoulders. "Sounds good, huh?"

He wasn't expecting Cas to move, so when he did, Dean flinched. He sat back a little to give Cas room as he turned around to face him. His face was long, sad, and it tore Dean's heart into a million pieces. He'd never seen Cas so down, never in all the years that he'd known him. The bruises all over his face were so bad, Dean could almost feel them himself and the dark circles under his eyes seemed to blend right in.

He wished he had the right words to say because everything that came to mind sounded cliche and a little condescending. Dean never really had to comfort Cas like this. Even when he'd seen Cas upset about God, or Claire, Cas had always been able to pull himself together and shake it off. He'd be the one to soothe Dean out of his rage, depression, or whatever he had been brooding over that week. But Dean was wrong, wasn't he? He wasn't the only one who'd ever need consolation.

He inhaled, sharply when Cas leaned forward and rested his forehead against Dean's chest. At the moment, Dean wanting nothing more than to take his pain away.

Then Dean's entire world shattered. Castiel was crying, sobbing, uncontrollably. Dean scrambled on where to put his hands. He couldn't very well hug him for fear of aggravating his back wounds, so he rested one hand behind Cas' head and with the other, he gripped his forearm, firmly. Dean was unraveling and it took all he had not to join his friend in the tears.

_Don't cry. Don't you dare cry. Be strong for Cas. Don't fucking cry._

He cursed himself for all of those times in the past when he'd shied away from being a shoulder to cry on. There had been so many times… God, so many times when Cas needed this. When he needed Dean to hug him and comfort him and tell him that he'd be right there. Right there for him. Instead, Dean acted like a complete dick, barking things like, save the hallmark, cut the chick flick moment, whatever other bullshit he'd spew just to bury the fact that all he wanted to do was throw his arms around his friend, bury his face in his neck, and never let him go.

It was all those moments that he'd put on his tough little soldier attitude that filled Dean with regret. All of the times he'd tell Sam or Cas to nut up, or suck it up, and just stop fucking whining. He sounded like his dad and just the thought made him cringe.

He remembered thinking one night, while he was alone in the bunker last year, that if he ever got that mark off of his arm, he'd change that about himself. He'd quit that asshole kind of an attitude and be a better brother to Sam and a better friend to Cas.

But something inside him knew that by giving himself over to those kinds of emotions would lead to the inevitable declaration, or admittance even, of his love for Cas. Dean was sure of it. There'd be no way in hell that he'd get away with being more sensitive around Cas without giving into his feelings for him. Now looking back, he was so damned right but so damned happy he did.

"It's okay, Cas. Everything's okay," was all he managed to get out.

Cas' tears formed a warm wet spot on Dean's shirt and he thought about when he had seen Castiel in his own personal Heaven. It was the first time he'd even see Cas cry. But this was real and so much more heartbreaking. It just seemed wrong, like the world had flipped on it's axis. Castiel doesn't cry.

Cas' convulsions slowed down and he lifted his head. Dean took his face in his hands and planted a kiss on his forehead. He then kissed his cheeks, trying to kiss all of his tears away. He wanted to kiss  _everything_  away. All the pain, all the sadness, all the betrayal he must be feeling, Dean wanted to just remove it all.

Finally, Castiel spoke as he tried to smile. "Thank you, Dean."

Dean put on his best smile and said, "You're home now, Cas. That's all that matters."

Cas smiled a little wider and he let out a long and fragile sigh. "I think I need to sleep."

Dean slid off of the bed, shaking out the blankets and sheets. Cas crawled up and dropped his head down onto the pillow and closed his eyes. Dean bent over and kissed his head. "I'll be back. You just rest, okay? I'll be right back."

Turning to leave, Dean stood for a moment looking at his broken lover. He seemed so weak and breakable now, and not just because he'd been stripped of his powers, but that something inside of him had fallen apart. The deep seeded hardness that Castiel had since the very day Dean had met him, had faded. It caused a chill down his spine.

He hoped Cas would bounce back. Sure, it was too soon to expect anything right now, but this also wasn't the greatest time to be out of the game. Dean wasn't sure what to expect with the Darkness or those fucked up angels, or even with Heaven for that matter, but he had to make sure Cas wouldn't be too down and out to fight. He'd have to pick him up, be the support he needed to get him back on his feet, so to speak. He'd train with him, teach him basic fighting skills in the areas that Cas may fall short. He'd get him ready.

With one last glance, Dean left the room. A heaviness wore him down. Seeing anyone he cared about hurt in any way, had always weighed on him, to the point that it was hard to function or think clearly. He knew he'd find a way to blame himself for Cas' pain. It was just what he did. People got hurt when they involved themselves with the Winchesters. Hurt or Dead.

But Cas was different, wasn't he? He was a warrior in the truest sense of the word. He was one of them but more powerful. More badass. Castiel wasn't some poor sap who ended up a prophet, only to be killed by an angel, or an adorable computer hacker who'd find her way into their lives, only to be snuffed out by some psychopath. Or anyone else Dean had felt the need to protect and shelter from the crap in the world.

This was Castiel, angel of the Lord, and whether he was full of mojo or not, this was still the same Castiel who'd witnessed the earth, mountains, and oceans form. Who'd seen humanity at its best and worse. He was older than Dean could even comprehend and thinking about it now, sent Dean's heart a flutter. Castiel was so much more than this broken man in his bed. He always will be so much more.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"So how is the little guy?" Gabriel asked.

Dean and Sam had joined Gabriel at the table. He sat down, head in hands and let out a tired groan. Aside from the utter relief of having Cas back, there was still the ongoing problem of the Darkness, finding God, and now he'd have to make sure Cas was ready to fight. He cringed at even suggesting it. He wanted Cas to heal and rest without the worries of impending evil.

"He's sleeping."

Dean didn't bother looking up. He was also tired. This ordeal had taken its toll on him and he thought that if his head hit his pillow, he'd sleep for a week straight.

"So what happened?" Sam and Gabriel both watched and waited for Dean to speak.

"It was horrible, guys." Dean looked at Gabriel. "Heaven is one fucked up place. No wonder you left."

Gabriel nodded in agreement. Dean continued, "They had him on stage, they-"

A gasp escaped Gabriel. "I know. It was a terrible thing they used to do, so so long ago. Michael and… well I can't even think about our sweet little Castiel up there."

Sam eyed them both, strangely. "Up where?"

Dean explained the entire event to Sam, who was now showing signs of his own nausea. He cursed and shook his head a few times and lamented over the pain they'd caused Cas. "That is… wow. What the hell is wrong with them up there?"

"Don't know. Don't care. When we find God. Not if, but  _when_ , he needs to fix this."

"Agreed." Sam said as he glanced at Gabriel who was nodding.

Dean yawned, his eyes barely able to stay open. "I'm gonna get some z's."

Sam nodded. "Okay. Let us know if you need anything."

Dean smiled slightly for his brother. Sam looked like hell too. His eyes were bloodshot and the deep bruises under them were an obvious indication that he hadn't been sleeping well either.

"You should rest too, when you can."

Dean didn't stay for a reply. He headed back to his room and threw his clothes off, leaving on his boxer-briefs and he slid in bed with Cas. Castiel was already sound asleep, so he carefully snuggled up behind him. Cas was laying on his side with his back to Dean. He studied him briefly, checking his stitches and bandages, making sure everything looked okay and secure, and then he swung his arm across Cas' waist and closed his eyes.

Sleep didn't come quickly, even as exhausted as he was. Images of Heaven, of Cas, were vivid and loud in his mind. He tried to think of anything else, anything, but that scene refused to go anyway. It was screaming at him, and he could have sworn he heard the deafening sound in his ears.

Those angels, they were watching Castiel get mutilated. They were watching and not one, not one fucking angel ran up there to stop it. Dean had known from the start how screwed up those winged dicks were, but to witness that, was all the proof he needed that Castiel had never belonged there.

His heart ached now, thinking about all of the times Cas had been hurt by them. All the times he questioned his so called family, only to be treated harshly in return. He thought of Zachariah and how he played him, lied to him, turned Cas into his puppet. Castiel, rebelling for Dean. Choosing right over wrong. Choosing free will over the tyrannical mess that had been going on up there.

Then Dean wondered what would become of Michael. If God really did need all the help he could get against the Darkness, would that mean Michael too? What crimes would Michael have to pay for? He wasn't even sure what kind of state he'd be in. What happened to an archangel after he's been trapped in a cage in hell, with Lucifer?

Dean opened his eyes and stared at the back of Castiel's head. He lifted the arm that was draped over him and gently carded his fingers through Cas' hair. He slid his hand down and lightly brushed against the covered wounds underneath his shoulder blades.

Dean whispered, "I'm gonna take care of you, Cas. For once, I'm gonna be the one to protect you. Keep you from harm. I won't even let any one of those dickbags near you, ever again"

He meant every word. He'd make sure Castiel was safe. No more running out on errands alone, no more thinking that the Darkness or those dark angels, even the regular angels weren't twitchy right about now. No more taking advantage of the fact that nothing really had been going on. This was why Dean had let Castiel go out in the first place. It had been too quiet. The Darkness came, they got attacked once, only once, and the rest of the time, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

So Dean had been careless. He let Castiel get hurt and it wouldn't happen again. Not on his watch. After Kevin and Charlie, there was no way Dean was going to be that stupid. He wondered if being holed up in the bunker was the only option they had. They were warded, but it didn't explain how Hannah had found Castiel in the first place. How did she,  _he_  know that Cas would be at the frame shop. Dean grew suspicious that Heaven might have angels spying on them. And if that was the case, leaving would be really unwise.

Castiel mumbled something under his breath and turned over to face Dean. He was still asleep, and probably dreaming. Dean slid his hand over Cas' and laced his fingers with his. He noticed the peaceful calm that surrounded him now. He studied his eyelids, his cheeks, his nose, lips.

Those full lips that Dean had always found himself staring at. Sometimes, in the middle of something really important that Castiel had been telling him, Dean's eyes would drift to those lips. He wasn't sure if Castiel had ever noticed. If he did, he never showed it. He'd just continue to ramble on as Dean would stare. He chuckled at all the times the two of them had been so damn obvious about their feelings, yet neither one would acknowledge it.

Dean was smiling now, looking at his beautiful angel. Sure, he'd been stripped of his 'status' but to Dean, Castiel would always be his angel who'd pulled him from Hell, who'd given up everything for him.

It was fascinating that no matter if Cas had his powers or not, something radiated from him. Dean wasn't sure what it was, since angels don't really have souls, but it was potent. He wondered what happened to angels when they  _did_  lose their grace. It wasn't like Jimmy was still alive, so what did that mean? Maybe he  _was_  a soul, a spirit that lives inside this vessel, just as humans. Dean would have to ask Cas about that later.


	16. Chapter 16

Castiel had been lying awake for an hour as Dean slept next to him. His body, aching and sore, even though it had been a week since that ordeal. A week since he'd been put on public display and had his wings removed. Not just removed, but violently hacked off of his body.

It felt weird knowing that his wings were gone. Permanently. He'd been without them before, when he was human. Which he was again,  _human_ , but this time it wasn't because of a spell he had so innocently contributed to. This was punishment. They took his wings, his grace, and now he was left to live out the rest of his days as Castiel the man, not Castiel the angel.

He'd be lying if he said that it didn't hurt. Not just physically, but his inner core was so damaged from what had happened, he was afraid he'd never get over it. Castiel went over everything in his mind, because that was what he'd always do, no matter how painful it was. He thought of Hannah and Adriel, the trial, then seeing Dean up there in the back, crying and afraid.

He was passed out when they removed his second wing and he was glad that he hadn't awoken to see the former parts of himself on the floor. He was relieved that he didn't witness the things that had been a part of him since he was given life, lying useless on the stage. His blue, black, and silver wings were now nothing. Gone. He'd never fly again. He'd never do anything an angel did. He couldn't heal, himself or the boys. He wouldn't be able to smite.

He was the same as a couple of years ago. Weak, vulnerable, but this was different now, wasn't it? He wasn't homeless. He didn't have to scrounge for food and clothes. He didn't have to live in some shelter with other smelly men. He has a home, he has Dean, and he was safe, somewhat.

The question of when he'd start training was something he'd been avoiding all week. He could see on Dean's face that he wasn't ready to bring it up as well. Though his muscles ached, his wounds were healing. He should be ready to get out there and help any day now.

Gabriel had been staying with them, helping them on the search for God. It was nice to have him around. The last time Cas had seen him, he was just a mirage. Not the real thing. It was disturbing what he had been through in the last year and a half. Metatron had trapped him in a dimension where Gabriel couldn't escape. He had been made into a puppet for the scribe, forced to do his bidding. Now that Metatron was powerless, Gabriel was able to break free from his grasp and here he was.

It was nothing short of a miracle that he was here with them, that the boys found him, after all those weeks of unsuccessful searches. Gabriel may not be a team player, so to speak, but he was spooked about the Darkness. He was terrified about these Belial and he wanted to find God as badly as they did. So he was part of the gang now, and Castiel loved the idea.

It didn't hurt to have an archangel in your corner too.

They'd all been pitching in to make Castiel as comfortable as possible. Sam had been helping Dean with cleaning up his wounds and refreshing his bandages. He'd been preparing meals for him, and on occasion, these fruit smoothies which Castiel had found to be delicious, and Dean had found to be too girly to even indulge. Dean referred to them as the 'Douche-Shakes'.

Things with Dean had been a little strained, though. Castiel could tell Dean had been doing his best not to remind him of what he'd seen. He hadn't brought it up once. Not even a little. Dean had been doing everything in his power to lighten the mood by making jokes and he'd even tease Cas here and there about being human. If Cas' skin wasn't so thick and if he didn't know Dean as well as he did, he would have probably shrunken and hid from the jabs.

But Dean was only being himself. He was only trying to put everything back in its place. Back to normal. This was always how Dean dealt with sensitive subject matters. For some, it was annoying but for Cas, he understood and he loved every part of his personality. It was what he was used to, what he had always known, and he was thankful that Dean was doing what he could to ensure that nothing had really changed. That everything was as it always was, except Cas was human, and there was hell on earth.

Typical Friday night, as Dean would say.

It was the constant attention that Castiel had to get used to. Dean was all over him, as if Castiel would fly away or disappear. Every moment he could, Dean was asking if Cas was okay, if he needed anything, if there was something he could do to make him more comfortable. While it was sweet, it was also a lot to take in. Castiel had never had someone take care of him like this. He'd never been anyone's main concern.

It wasn't terrible. It was just something that Castiel had to accept.

Dean stirred next to him and Castiel turned his head to watch his hunter open his eyes. Dean's lips curled into a small smile and he sleepily leaned in to kiss Cas on the forehead.

"Morning," Dean said, followed by a yawn.

"Good morning, Dean." Castiel was on his side, because it still hurt to lay on his back. He kissed Dean's lips and ran a hand through his hair. "Did you sleep okay?"

Dean nodded and leaned up on his elbows, glancing at the clock. "Come on, let's refresh those bandages and get some food."

After Dean cleaned up Cas' wounds and replaced his bandages, they headed into the kitchen, hand in hand. Sam and Gabriel had been sitting at the table, both with laptops in front of them. They appeared deep in research, eyebrows low and eyes focused. Sam looked up from his concentration and smiled at them.

"Oatmeal is on the stove, if you're hungry," he glanced at Castiel, "Fruit's in the fridge. I'd offer it to Dean but I already know the answer."

Sam chuckled.

"Thanks, Sam," Castiel said, smiling at the youngest Winchester.

"Aw, would you look at that," Gabriel sang, staring down at Cas' hand in Dean's. "You two are just the cutest darn couple in the universe."

Dean kissed Cas on the cheek and went over to the stove to start making a bowl for Cas and himself. "I know," Dean said, with a smile.

Castiel was filled with warmth. He and Dean were out in the open, and it really brightened Cas. There were no secrets, no shameful reactions to their love affair. Dean treated it as the most natural and normal relationship in the world. Castiel felt a little embarrassed that he had assumed Dean would have done the opposite.

It was how Dean  _used_ to be. The refusal to admit his true feelings about anything, really. His awkwardness at even a hug in public or in front of anyone else. His jokes about Castiel watching over him as he slept and he'd never forget Dean's warnings about personal space.

It was all suppression. Dean felt things for Cas that he'd been too eager to push down and forget. Castiel was not going to complain about the change. He was thankful.

They shared a smile as Dean set Cas' bowl of oatmeal down in front of him. He'd even given him a plate of fruit. Banana, peach, and some berries. This was another part of Dean's personality that Cas had grown so fond of. They way he tends to his needs. He is a natural at it. Sometimes it can be overbearing, as he'd seen with Sam. Sam gets annoyed, easily when Dean becomes too fatherly with him. But over all, it was a wonderful trait and Castiel found it one of the more alluring parts of Dean.

It was why Dean had refused to ever let Cas go. Why he'd had begged him to stop working with Crowley, or when he'd tried to treat Cas as normal as possible when he'd lost his mind those years ago. It was why Dean never gave up looking for him in Purgatory, or why he'd come after him when Cas had been duped by that reaper. It was why it hurt Dean deeply to send Castiel away because of Gadreel's warnings, or why Dean had to see him that time while he was at work in the Gas N' Sip.

And why Dean had made sure to let Castiel spend the night with him in his motel room instead of the usual floor that Castiel had been sleeping on. It was why Dean paid for Castiel to remain at the motel for as long as he had to.

It was those things that made Dean who he was. His big heart needed to make sure everyone was okay and that was normal for him. It was how he was raised, always having to look after his little brother while their dad was away. He had to cook for Sam, wash his clothes, protect him from the elements, and the monsters of course.

"So, no luck finding Dad yet, but I have a good feeling we will. Eventually. Like before the world ends," Gabriel said to Cas with a smirk on his face.

Castiel blinked back into reality, noticing he had been holding a spoon of oatmeal in front of his mouth. He wasn't sure how long he had zoned out for, so he shrugged and turned to Gabriel. "Do we even know where to start?" Castiel said with a mouth full of blueberries.

"Not really, but we've been thinking that maybe some Belial sightings might be a good clue," Sam added.

Castiel swallowed and tilted his head. "Do you think they would be going after God?"

"It's a theory. I mean, it  _was_  God, with me and the bros, who got rid of them in the first place. Well, contained, if you will. I'm sure they're looking for some holy payback," Gabriel said before shoving a doughnut his mouth.

"Good point." Castiel sipped his coffee and glanced at Dean. "We should start tracking them and follow."

Dean shook his head. "Yeah, okay but you're not going anywhere." Dean drank his coffee without looking back up at Cas.

The room was now full of tension and Castiel wasn't sure why. He looked back and forth between the men and settled back on Dean. "Why not?"

Suddenly Castiel was hit with the realization that he was now the one Dean would be protecting. He'd be the one Dean was going to cling to and not let out his site. He was not going to let Castiel fight and he wouldn't be bringing him on hunts, because he didn't believe Cas was ready. Dean was going to overthink everything, now his tenacious attitude would reign. Castiel sighed, because he understood why Dean was being this way, he just wished he didn't have to be on the receiving end of it.

"Because you're not even healed, Cas," said Dean, eyeing Cas and then raising his eyebrows at Sam as if he was looking for some support.

Sam nodded. "Yeah, Cas, you can come when you're back is healed a bit more, okay?"

Castiel sipped his coffee and then slid his chair away from the table. "Okay. But when that times comes, I'll be the one who decides I'm ready."

"Like hell," Dean said with a shake of his head.

"What?" Castiel's face was red and he stared at Dean, awaiting an explanation as to what in the hell he meant.

Dean finally made eye contact with him and he flared his nostrils as he sighed. "You're kinda known for jumping into the deep end without a life vest, Cas. I'm not gonna let you do anything stupid."

Embarrassment overcame Cas. He was aware that Dean meant well but the sound of those words had Castiel's blood boiling. He wasn't Dean's child and he certainly wasn't his bitch. He turned to Sam, and then Gabriel, who both were doing everything to avert their eyes. He rose and without another word, he headed to his room.

He stopped in front of the small mirror and examined his face. His swollen eye was much better, and the cuts were all closing nicely. He still had terrible bruises covering his cheek, chin, and brow, but some had already faded to a strange green hue.

They were right. He was in no shape to fight but he had hoped that when he was healed, Dean wouldn't give him another excuse to leave him behind. The fact Castiel was human now might present a problem that he had been hoping wouldn't arise. He was more vulnerable yes, but not useless.

Castiel loved the warmth and love Dean had been showering him with, yet at the same time, Dean needed to understand that when Castiel's back was healed, he would be joining them on hunts, and fighting evil, and assisting in the search for God.

Butting heads was something Castiel had to be prepared for. It wouldn't be the first time he and Dean argued and bickered about something they'd disagreed on. Hell, they've had some all out screaming matches in the past. The fights never lasted long, but it would be enough to send Sam out of the room, trying to stay out of the wrath of Dean and Cas, or he'd cough nervously, offering a distraction.

Or Sam would tell the both of them to stow the bullshit and get on with what they were hunting or dealing with. Sam was a good referee. He was hoping Sam would be there now, as Dean entered Cas' room, rubbing his hands against his thighs, showing Castiel that yeah, Dean was containing some kind of anger right now.

"Cas, it's not that… I know you can hold your own, but… right now you're weak and you've been through hell, and I need to make you sure that when you're ready to fight, you're  _really_  ready."

Castiel inhaled, deeply and sat on the edge of his bed. He hadn't been spending much time in his room and even the bed felt different. It wasn't as worn in as Dean's. He remembered the first night back and how he'd been so excited to actually have his own room. Now, he'd rather just sleep wherever Dean slept. He couldn't even imagine sleeping alone in this space.

"I understand. But Dean,"

Castiel looked up as Dean joined him on the edge of the bed. He appeared exhausted, defeated. He wasn't sure why, they hadn't been doing anything for the past week other than lazing around the bunker and watching movies. Dean hadn't even opened the laptop to search for anything to hunt. Actually, he'd been avoiding it altogether, now that Castiel examined his behavior more closely.

Castiel continued, "When I'm healed, you  _will_ let me help. I'm not going to stay behind while you and Sam search for God."

Dean groaned, looking ahead instead of at Castiel when he spoke. "Fine," he said grimly. He lowered his head into his hands, blowing air out between his lips. "Only if I feel you can-"

"No. This is up to me. Not you."

Dean turned his head and made eye contact with Cas. "Excuse me?"

Castiel stood and looked down at Dean. He knew he was going to pull this crap. He knew Dean would try to make it  _his_ decision if Cas would be ready or not in the future. For some reason, that set Castiel's face on fire. He loved Dean but he will not be his little damsel.

"I'm not helpless, Dean. Stop anticipating that I will be. You've trusted me to join you on hunts before when I was human. What's changed?"

Dean laughed, not a happy one but an annoyed laugh. His jaw clenched. "Cas, you just learned how to shoot a gun. Fighting, it's… it's not just using a weapon. It's maneuvering just right, and knowing your defensive moves, and... I just need to know you'd be ready before we take you out into the fray."

"You can teach me these things. Now, even. I know I have a lot of healing to do, but I'm not made of glass." Castiel knelt down in front of Dean and cupped his face. Cas knew what this was really about.

"I know you love me. I know that we've taken our friendship to the next level and we'd been wanting to do that for so long. And I know that scares the hell out of you, because you're afraid that everything you love goes away. Am I right?"

Dean inhaled, shakily and nodded. Tears started building in his eyes so Castiel kissed him and rested his hands on Dean's knees. "I'm not going anywhere. After everything we've survived through, it's obvious that it's not easy to take us down. I know I've been careless in the past, with April and all, but I'm not so naive anymore. I know better."

He kissed Dean again when he saw him smile slightly. "So, when I know I can fight, and believe me, I won't put myself on the chopping block until I know I can handle my own, but when that times comes, I need you to respect my choices. I need you to trust me when I say I'm ready."

Dean nodded and let a single tear fall from his eye. Castiel sat up on the bed next to him and rested his head on Dean's shoulder. Dean turned his body around and faced Castiel, holding his face in his hands. Dean kissed him, gently as if Cas' lips were on fire.

"You're right," Dean smiled and kissed Cas again.

Castiel pressed his mouth harder against Dean's, wanting more of him. He could feel Dean's hesitation so he lifted himself up and threw his leg around Dean, straddling his lap. Dean interrupted their kiss and snapped his head back.

Castiel flashed a mischievous smile and moved his mouth to Dean's neck, kissing and licking, his tongue sliding over Dean's pulse. Dean moaned and he grabbed Castiel by the shoulders and pulled him back. "You sure you're up for this?"

"Oh, shut up and kiss me," Castiel said playfully.

Dean smirked and planted his lips on Cas' and they fell down onto the bed with Castiel's body over Dean's. They stayed like that for a while, just kissing and grinding, hands everywhere as the heat of their arousal became almost too much to handle. Dean moved his hands carefully when he reached his back and then he grabbed Cas' ass and pushed him down, pressing their groins together.

Castiel wanted forget about his aching body and his painful back. About the torture he'd been through and all the hurtful words spoken. None of that was even as bad as the idea of never seeing Dean again. Now, he was here, wrapped safely in Dean's arms. Dean's energy, his soul, moving through him, sending shockwaves. This was what life was about. Love and warmth. Being someone's  _everything_. This wasn't just about pleasure, it was a joining of hearts.

_Why couldn't the other angels see that?_

"Mmm. I want you so badly," Castiel whispered in Dean's ear.

Castiel slid down Dean's body and removed his belt. While on his knees, he rested his ass against his heels and he slipped Dean's pants down, along with his underwear. He looked down at Dean's throbbing cock and he brought his face to it, his tongue circling the tip as his hands gently caressed Dean's balls.

Dean's moans were deep and throaty, causing Castiel's erection to throb with each sound that escaped Dean's mouth. He wrapped his hand around Dean, curling his fingers around his shaft, moving slowly. Dean's hips bucked and Castiel smirked a little, loving how much Dean reacted to him. His tongue moved to Dean's balls and lower now just grazing Dean's opening.

Dean gasped as Castiel spread Dean's legs farther apart and he moved his tongue back down, lapping around the hole and slipping his tongue inside of him every once in awhile. His other hand jerked Dean but not too fast. He didn't want Dean to come yet. Not until Castiel was inside him.

A finger slid in easily, now that Dean was soaked in Castiel's saliva. Then another finger, and he moved them in and out, causing Dean to hiss and thrive under him. Castiel fingered him, licking, fingering, licking, making Dean moan louder now.

"Fuck, Cas. That's so good," Dean said, his words half slurred and mostly all breath.

Castiel circled his fingers around inside, opening him up. Castiel's arousal was almost painful. He lifted his head away from Dean's crotch and pulled his sweatpants down. He crawled up Dean's body until his pelvis was in front of Dean's face and he slipped his fingers in Dean's mouth.

"Get me wet, Dean," Castiel said, surprised at his own words. He had never given orders before in bed, it was a little strange but Dean seemed to like the direction and he took Castiel into his mouth, licking and sucking him hard.

His hot mouth was so enticing, Castiel was afraid he'd explode too soon so he pulled back and leaned down to kiss Dean on the lips.

"Thank you," Castiel said with a smile.

He moved back in between Dean's legs and positioned himself, letting the tip of his cock slide into him, slowly and easily. Dean was open and ready for him, it was making Cas' head swim.

He'd never wanted anything more. Seeing his true love there underneath him, so trusting. So willing to let Castiel inside him and do whatever he wanted, it was beautiful. Dean was beautiful. His skin, glistening with sweat as he begged Castiel to move. Begged him to fuck him. To bring him over the edge and it was all Cas needed to move harder and faster.

He grabbed Dean's thighs and lifted them slightly to he could get a better angle. Cas' pounded him, and he was so close, a few more thrusts and he knew he'd come but he wanted Dean to come with him. He was about to grab Dean's cock but Dean beat him to it and he started jerking himself.

_Okay, that could work._

Castiel was mesmerized at the way Dean's hand fisted his own cock, bringing himself to ecstasy. It was sexy and erotic and Castiel wanted to hold out for as long as he could just so he could watch Dean do this. He lifted his eyes to his face now, Dean's eyes were closed, nostrils flaring, and his lips mouthing words Castiel couldn't hear. It was when Dean's eyes shot open and he locked them with Cas', green meeting blue, that Castiel's heart skipped a beat.

"Shit, Cas-" Dean shot his come all over his stomach and just the sight of it along with Dean's muscles squeezing around Cas, he released inside Dean, pumping all that he had in him. When he slipped out, Dean had let out a desperate sob and Cas was sure he'd never heard that sound come out of the hunter before.

Castiel collapsed next to him, laying on his side and he threw an arm around Dean's waist. Dean was still on his back, breathing heavily and staring at the ceiling. Castiel smiled, thinking, " _Yeah, I fucked him, stupid._ "

Finally, after a few minutes of silence, Dean rolled over on his side and kissed Castiel, softly. Their eyes met and they stared at each other for a while. It was calm and nice and these are the moments that Castiel never wanted to end. The moments when speaking wasn't necessary and they could just stare into each other's eyes and know exactly what each of them were thinking. No sound. No words. Just them silently telling each other how they felt

This is what they'd done since the day they met.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Dammit, Cas!" Dean shouted, as Castiel fell down onto his side while practicing a maneuver that Dean had hoped he'd mastered by now. "You need to grab the weapon quickly and don't look at it, or else I'll know your next move."

Dean extended his arm and helped Castiel to his feet. He gently turned him around to take a look at his torso, making sure he was alright. "You, good?"

Castiel nodded. "Yes. Let's try that again."

After a few more attempts Castiel was getting better at it. Dean was a little weary though. He knew Cas wasn't helpless and he did retain some fighting skills from his angel days, but it didn't mean he was ready for actual combat. Not in their line of work, anyway.

His melee fighting wasn't terrible but Dean suggested they move on to more ranged defense. He took Cas for more target practice and that was really where Cas shone. He hit the bullseye every time, his marksmanship was perfection.

Still, Dean wasn't a hundred percent certain he wanted Castiel out there, in the belly of the beast. Not that he enjoyed acting like some overprotective boyfriend, but after what he'd witnessed up in Heaven, seeing Castiel hurt in any way sent chills down his spine and a certain nausea in his gut that he cared not to have.

 _Boyfriend..._ Dean stopped and realized he just considered himself Cas' boyfriend. He knew his cheeks were bright red now and Cas was looking at him, curiously, but the thought was too powerful to even comprehend.

_How the hell did we get here?_

Not that Dean was complaining, but it was just overwhelming to think about how far they'd come in just over a month.

Castiel was getting pissed at Dean, though and Dean understood why. Cas didn't want to feel useless and he wanted to help out as much as he could. Dean would be a real asshole if he'd lock Cas away while he and Sam went out there. He knew how wrong it would be. He was not going to be responsible for making Cas feel like shit but he also didn't want to be with one who'd get him killed either.

"What are you thinking about?" Castiel asked Dean with his usual head tilt that caused Dean to smile.

"Just how crazy this all is," Dean said as the two headed toward the showers. After training, they were both pretty sweaty and ripe. Sam mentioned he'd be picking up Chinese take out for dinner so Dean wanted to be cleaned up before that.

"What? The Darkness?"

They reached the bathroom and began stripping out of their clothes. Castiel turned on the shower and waited for it to reach the preferred temperature, occasionally running his hand under the stream to test it.

"No. I mean, yeah that's crazy but not what I was referring to."

Dean watched Cas step into the shower and he joined him, wrapping his arms around his waist. He let the water his his back as he leaned in to give Castiel a kiss. "Us."

This would have had Dean running and screaming a few months ago. Here he was, naked, with Cas, in the shower. Their bodies pressed close, skin touching. He was kissing him, feeling that light scruff against his own, and it was all just fucking amazing.

And for the first time in his entire life, he was truly in love. In love and happy. He knew that those two things were like a curse in and of itself. He was aware that love and happiness wasn't something that happened often in Dean's life and he'd do whatever it took to hold onto it. Cas had been with him for so many years now and he wasn't going anywhere.

He knew Cas felt the same and the desire to be together was one hundred percent mutual. They were finally being honest with how they felt about each other and they weren't letting rules, or egos, or even fear dictate their relationship anymore. It was their call. It was up to them.

"And now?"

Dean shook his head, with Cas' voice bringing back to earth. "Now what?"

"You have this far away look but you're smiling. Still thinking about us?"

Dean grinned and kissed the former angel's cheek. "All the time, Cas."

That was the truth. Castiel had always been on Dean's mind. Even before he could understand why. Those days when he'd get so excited to actually see Cas, after he'd disappeared for a few days. He would just pop up in the car, or motel room. Dean would hate it when he would go, and he'd never tell anyone that in a million years.

"Turn around, let me see your back," Dean said, gently brushing his hands across Cas' shoulders.

His back was healing and he no longer needed the bandages. Dean eyed the stitches and he figured they could be taken out in a few days. The long slits down Cas' back gave him goosebumps, though. Sure, it was looking a hell of a lot better than before, but just knowing what had happened, what used to be there, well, it made Dean want to cry on the spot.

He'd been holding back since Castiel returned. He slipped once, that day they had an argument about Cas helping out again, but he swore he'd be strong from that moment on. No more weepy Dean, crying on his angel's shoulder. Cas didn't need that. It wasn't Dean who'd been tortured. Well, not physically anyway. Seeing Castiel up there on that stage was painful enough for Dean. He made a promise to himself that his feelings came second. Cas was first. Cas was most important.

"How does it look?" Castiel asked, turning his head, peeking out over his own shoulder.

"Much better."

Castiel was being so strong about everything. There were just a few moments when Dean would catch Cas staring off into space, his face long and his eyes intense, no doubt recalling the events that had taken place in Heaven. But overall, he'd been okay. He wasn't complaining, other than about Dean's over protectiveness, which of course Dean couldn't blame him for. Castiel had always been strong and Dean really admired that about him. Always had.

Dean leaned in and kissed Cas' shoulder, resting both hands on his arms, sliding them down to take hold of Cas'. He buried his face in the back of Cas' head and kissed him gently, moving his mouth to his neck, his cheek, smiling when his lips grazed the stubble on Cas' face.

It was all very unbelievable for Dean. He still had to wrap his mind around everything that had been going on between him and Cas and to remind himself that this was all real and not a dream. These kisses in the shower, this was real. Him, running his soapy hands down, his fingers sliding over Cas' skin. Dean's palm rubbing against Cas' hardening cock, causing Dean's own to twitch in excitement. Him, slowly stroking Cas as Dean's other hand slipped in between Cas' ass, fingers teasing him and pressing against his opening. This was all real.

Dean's erection moving in between Cas, letting the soapy water give him easy access. The feel of him slowly going deep inside, the tightness and warmth surrounding him, squeezing him, urging him to thrust. Castiel's moans as Dean started to move faster, while his fist stroked Cas. Yeah that was real.

It was all too real when Dean was coming so hard inside Castiel, his body trembled as the orgasm washed over him like a tidal wave. He looked over to see Cas coming as well, shooting against the tile and some of it dripping over Dean's fingers. He turned Castiel around to face him and he planted his lips on his, kissing him so passionately, he almost forgot to let them breathe.

And that warmth in his heart when he looked into those shining blue eyes, so full of love and trust, yeah that was real. So amazingly real.

"Cas, I'm sorry."

Castiel tilted his head, keeping a slight smile on his lips. "For what?"

Dean sighed. "For being a jack ass. I know you're getting frustrated with me. I can tell. It's not the first time I've seen it."

"Dean. I understand a lot more than you give me credit for."

Castiel kissed him, tenderly. When they pulled away, Dean inhaled and then let the air seep out slowly, bringing his chest down.

"I need to tell you that-"

Suddenly Dean was overcome with panic. Not a real panic, but a feeling that he would usually get when he was about to reveal something that he'd been keeping inside for way too long. Castiel brought his hand up to Dean's face and lightly stroked his cheek, urging him to continue, making him feel safe to do so.

Dean continued, "I know we said we're gonna take this one day at a time but-"

His face was now hot and his heart raced. He continued, "You make me so happy, Cas. I've never, like  _ever_ , felt this way and, uh, I kinda don't want it to end."

Dean looked down, shyness overtaking him. Castiel took Dean's chin in his hand and he lifted his face to make eye contact. Cas was smiling but his eyes were watery, his eyebrows arched, and he looked so beautiful, Dean tried hard not to choke on the lump in his throat. He always knew Castiel was gorgeous. He wasn't the only one who'd noticed it, for Dean remembers all the girls and guys that would be checking Cas out when they went around town.

But something in his expression right now was so breathtaking, Dean wanted to just take a mental snapshot and keep this image in his head forever.

"I don't want it to end, either. Dean."

Castiel's nostrils flared and he took hold of Dean's hands and added, "I think... no, I  _know_  that we're meant to be, Dean. You and I. It sounds cliché, and maybe even a little naive, but I know how I feel and, well, I know that we're soulmates. So, if that means we can be together for as long as we each live, then I am very happy to do so. And thankful."

Dean had always believed in the idea of having a soulmate. He truly wanted to find his  _'one and only'_  in the past and had even thought he had found it once or twice in his lifetime. But he was also aware that the person he'd spend the rest of his life with would be someone that would allow him to be himself. And no, not the beer, or the fast women, or anything trivial like that. It had to be someone who he could still be a hunter with. Someone who'd understand the life, who'd understand  _him._

It was Cas. It had always been Cas.

Suddenly Dean's memory of all the times Castiel had chosen him over Heaven, or had chosen Dean over anything else, really, came to mind. This was always meant to happen. Everything they had done in the past led them to exactly where they were supposed to be. Here. Now.

And Dean was filled with so much love he thought he was going to burst.

They kissed and Dean brought his hands up to Cas' face. When they broke apart to take a breathe, Dean pecked Cas' nose.

"So, does this mean we should get married?" and Dean wished he could take those words back as soon as they left his mouth. Now he was feeling awkward and shy, and he knew his face was probably the reddest it had ever been.

_Why the fuck did I just say that?_

But Castiel just smiled at him and he rested his head on Dean's chest and they wrapped their arms around each other. Okay so maybe Castiel didn't really pick up on it, or maybe he understood it as a joke, like come on, they aren't going to get married. That's for normal people with normal lives and they are far from being anywhere near normal.

Yes, he's known hunters who'd been married, his mom being a perfect example, but that was different. She had a clear goal in mind to leave the life, start a family, be as far away from monsters as possible and well, Dean and Cas really didn't have that kind of future to look forward to. Not that it was completely out of the question, and it actually  _was_  something not  _too_  impossible to imagine. Dean couldn't really see them, what, adopting a kid, buying a house, going to PTA meetings and playing cards with the neighbors on Saturday nights?

No, he tried that life with Lisa and it sure as hell didn't work out.

Then again, this was Cas.

But no, Dean had to shake the image out of his head. Even if it was something Castiel would be interested in, Dean didn't even want to imagine having to take care of a child in his line of work. It wouldn't be fair. Not to them or the kid.

Of course now Dean couldn't get the image out of his head of he and Cas sharing a home, picking out what kind of bedding to get, arguing over stupid things like who was going to take out the trash. Curling up on their gigantic soft couch (because in Dean's mind, they have an over-sized couch, big enough for the both of them to sprawl out on) and watching movies, or some stupid show on T.V. about ancient aliens or government conspiracies.

And maybe they  _did_  adopt a baby. He imagined how they would each have their own ideas of what to name him or her. Cas would probably want something biblical and Dean would protest, warning him about kids at school picking on their child if their name was something like Samandriel or Balthazar. So they would choose maybe Jimmy for a boy, Mary for a girl? That sounded kinda cool. They'd fall into some kind of parenting routine where Cas would be changing diapers and singing lullabies and maybe he would be rocking the baby to sleep as Dean would be in the kitchen making burgers, or pie, or whatever else.  _Wait, was he the wife in this scenario?_

"That sounds wonderful," Castiel said against Dean's chest.

_What did he just say?_

Dean was speechless. Cas just said the idea of getting married was wonderful? And now Dean was thinking about it, like for real now and he was having trouble breathing. For yes, as irregular and strange as the reality of getting married was, he was really loving the idea of it. For now, he'd have to contain his excitement and just pretend this conversation had never taken place.

And maybe after all the crap with this Darkness ends, he'd entertain that notion once again.


	17. Chapter 17

The next few weeks flew by and Castiel was ready to have his stitches out. Dean had asked him to meet him in the kitchen, better lighting for it, and he didn't want to make a mess of the bedrooms. Castiel sat patiently at the table with his shirt off and his upper body leaning over the table. He was pretty anxious to finally be able to get back into the game. Dean had kept his word about training him, preparing him for battle. Castiel didn't feel unsure about his abilities anymore. He was confident that he'd be able to hold his own.

They still had Gabriel around which, Castiel had to admit, made things a whole lot easier on them, even if the archangel's powers didn't seem to be at full capacity. Gabriel's resurrection ability was a bit rusty, as he told them a few nights ago. He said he'd been so far removed from Heaven for so long, his powers weren't what they used to be. His usual angel abilities left him wiped him out more often than not, and healing and resurrecting would most likely drain him for a few days, he had warned.

It was better than nothing. Castiel had no powers anymore. He was one hundred percent human. He thought he'd be conflicted about that fact, but after everything that has been happening with Dean, he really didn't mind it at all. Losing his grace and wings didn't mean he'd lost his calling, for he knew where he belonged. The satisfaction in knowing that his role in this life was no longer serving Heaven was enough for him.

Still, he was curious as to what God would think if and when they did find him. Would he see that Castiel was happy being a human and keep him this way? Or would he make sure to give Castiel back his powers and grace because Castiel was in fact, an angel? Or maybe he'd need Castiel at full strength for the Darkness. Either way, when the time came, he'd probably have an important decision to make.

He had been a little concerned about being a full powered up angel and able to remain close with Dean. He and Gabriel had a long discussion about it the other night and Gabriel had let him know that being an angel didn't mean he'd lose the ability to 'get down and dirty' as he put it. He pointed out that he'd been in the damn porn business for years and had always been at full capacity and he'd never have any issues 'getting it up'.

Castiel was aware that he had been aroused while having his full grace before. He had thought about being with Dean over the years and at times it had made him sport a raging hard on.  It seemed that angels could control it. If they wanted to give themselves over to the sensual pleasures of the flesh, they could. Still, the concern had been there and Gabriel set his mind at ease, not that it mattered in his current state.

Castiel had felt so stupid not really knowing that before. Truth be told, before Dean, he never had a reason to even think about it. He wasn't sexually attracted to any human or angel before and with Dean, it was so much more than physical. That was another thing that Gabriel had mentioned to him, that being in love trumped any kind of angel training he had. Being in love meant Castiel could feel anything and everything he wanted while being an angel.

"Earth to Cas," Dean said as he entered the kitchen, holding a bottle of rubbing alcohol in one hand and a first aid kit in the other.

"Oh, hi Dean. Sorry, I was lost in thought. "

Castiel smiled at the hunter as he set the medical supplies down then he and moved behind Castiel. "About?" Dean asked.

"I was wondering what God will want to do with me. If he'd keep me human, or give me back my powers."

Castiel winced at the chill of the rubbing alcohol being dabbed on his back.

"What do  _you_  want?"

He felt the slight tugging of his skin, so he was sure Dean was now removing his stitches so he tried to remain as still as possible. "Whatever that will keep me with you."

He heard Dean scoff but he didn't dare turn his head, for fear of messing up Dean's work on his back. "What?" Castiel asked him.

"What? Nothing. I just figured you'd want to be an angel again. I mean, who wouldn't?"

Before Castiel could respond, Sam came into the room with his laptop in his hands. Gabriel was behind him and they both appeared anxious. Sam gave a smile to Castiel and he sat across from him at the table. "Hey, guys. Uh, Dean, how's Cas' back looking?"

"Good. Really good,"

"That's great news because we found some activity up in Illinois and I think we need to hit the road pretty soon," said Sam as he turned the laptop for Cas to see the online report. He squinted to get a better view and he realized that his eyes weren't what they used to be and wow, would he need glasses? He clicked on the news video.

" _Two locals found with eyes burned out. Law enforcement are baffled and ruling this out as a strange form of electrocution. Experts are flying in from New York to examine the bodies for clarification. Speculation about this being connected to similar occurrences over the years are being made. More news at Ten."_

"Sounds angely to me," Gabriel sing-songed.

"I agree," Castiel said, letting all the air seep out of his lungs.

Dean lightly tapped Castiel's shoulder. "Alright. I say we get packing as soon as I'm done here."

After Dean finished removing Castiel's stitches, they headed to their rooms to start packing. Castiel set out a few pairs of jeans, sweats, t-shirts, boxers, socks. He was excited to be back in action again. Not the he didn't enjoy the downtime lately and he honestly loved spending every waking moment with Dean, but he could tell even Dean was becoming anxious. The fact that those dark angels were out there, multiplying at an alarming rate, according to Gabriel, they knew they had to start hitting the road and do what they are meant to do.

Castiel didn't hear Dean come in so he jumped when Dean laid his hand on Cas' shoulder. "Ah, Dean." Castiel grabbed his chest, hoping it would steady his heart rate.

Dean was flashing a toothy grin. "Sorry, you were deep in thought again. Everything okay?"

"Yes, everything is fine. Are you all packed?"

Dean nodded. Castiel zipped up his duffel and headed toward the door. Dean grabbed his arm and turned him around to face him. He was smiling but staring intensely, and it caused Cas to swallow hard.

"If I get to be too much, if I start becoming overprotective, just tell me okay? I'll do my best to hold back, but I may slip every now and then."

Castiel slipped his hand in Dean's and squeezed as their fingers laced together. "Thanks, Dean. I appreciate that and yes, I will," Castiel said with a smile.

They headed out the door and toward the garage where they ran into Sam and Gabriel. The angels, well the angel and the  _former_ angel were going to take the backseat because Sam's giant body would be too confined in the back, having to share it with someone else, unable to spread out his long legs.

"Oh, my first Winchester road trip. I'm so excited," Gabriel said as he sat in the back seat. "This is so much more fun than zapping everywhere." He looked at Cas. "Now I totally get why you always insisted on riding around with the boys."

"Or maybe he just wanted to be around Dean some more," said Sam, giving a side smile. Dean turned to his brother and shook his head.

"Obviously not to be around  _your_  toxic ass." Dean turned around, spreading his arm across the seat. "Yeah, being trapped inside the car after Sam's had a burrito isn't something I wish on anyone."

"Shut up, it's not  _that_  bad." Sam punched Dean's arm.

Dean raised his eyebrows at Cas and Gabriel, "Oh, it's that bad." He turned back around, smiling and started the car. Sam was about to say something but Dean turned up the radio and waved his hand next to his ear, as if to say he couldn't hear him.

Castiel chuckled. Gabriel nudged him. "Kinda like how we all bicker, huh?"

"Yes, except without causing civil wars," Castiel said, half joking. Gabriel barked and shook his head before turning his attention to the window.

The ride there wasn't going to be long. It seemed they had made many trips back and forth from Kansas to Illinois over the years. That state sure did have a lot of significance to it. It was where Jimmy lived, where Dean had been buried and resurrected, where so many paranormal occurrences happened. Castiel reminded himself to look at the history of that place because to Castiel, nothing was ever really coincidence.

 

 

* * *

 

 

They reached Greenview in just under nine hours. The sleeping arrangements made Cas and Dean chuckle because they could only get two rooms so that meant Gabriel was going to share a room with Sam, and Sam was not too happy about it. He had already given Gabriel two warnings; no porn and no hookers, to which Gabriel put on his oh so innocent face and a, "Who me?" added to it.

Dead had asked Cas to stay behind with Gabriel while they talked to the coroner but not before making sure he knew that it wasn't because he didn't want Cas around, he just thought it would be weird to show up with more than two agents to investigate this bizarre incident, which the guys knew wasn't bizarre at all and just an inconvenient tragedy to happen to this small town of under a thousand people. Sam had made calls ahead of time, confirming that the 'experts' from New York hadn't arrived yet so they left in a hurry to make it there before the other guys did.

Castiel settled on the bed and turned on the television when Gabriel appeared in the room, suddenly. Castiel jumped, almost knocking the taco he was about to eat out of his hand.

"Gabriel. You can't do that," Cas scolded.

"Oh sorry bro. I was getting bored in that room all by myself. I can't watch porn, I can't indulge in the ladies. What am I supposed to do? You think Sam would put out if I asked him to, later?" Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows, making Cas roll his eyes.

"I seriously doubt it."

"Well, fuck me." He raised his eyebrows at Cas. "Not literally." Gabriel pouted and sighed and then sat on the edge of Castiel's bed. He brought his hands in front of him and rubbed them together. "So I gotta know, how did it happen. How did you finally get Dean?"

"Gabriel..."

Castiel wasn't really in the mood to give Gabriel the ' _how Dean and I got together'_  play by play. It was still very personal and new to him and not something to sit around the campfire and talk about, or in this case, a grungy motel room.

"Come on, you can leave out the juicy details if you want to, although I hope you don't want to 'cause mmm, mmm, I bet it's hotter than Georgia asphalt."

Castiel turned off the television and leaned up against the headboard. He supposed he could give Gabriel some detail, not all, but just enough to shut him up. "Fine." Castiel eased his shoulders as Gabriel clapped childishly.

"After everything that had happened, you know, with the mark, Dean changed a little. Not drastically, but he started to feel more comfortable in his skin, from what I could tell. He wasn't as put off by showing emotions, et cetera. You know what I mean?"

Gabriel nodded. "Yes, yes, go on," he said, eagerly.

"I guess that gave him more courage to let himself be closer with me. I had always loved… well…"

"Oh come on, I know how you've always felt about him. We all did. It's cute. Continue."

"Uh, okay so that's basically it. We spent time together, talked, confessed some things that we'd been holding in for a long time, and took it from there."

Castiel was warm and giddy as he talked about it. Being able to actually relive it gave him this certain glow, he was sure Gabriel could see it. Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea, after all.

"I always knew it was gonna happen. I mean, it was obvious that Dean was a hard nut to crack, but I knew he'd come around eventually. Maybe that mark was a good thing after all."

"No, it was never a good thing, Gabriel."

"Okay maybe not, but when he was cured, it had clearly sucked out some of his other demons, you know, those pesky human ones."

Gabriel stood and headed to the mini fridge and pulled out two beers. "Dean won't mind, right?" Gabriel handed one to Castiel and he took it, gladly. He admitted to himself that a nice cold beer sounded great right about now. "I can zap over to Milwaukee and get him the stuff straight from the tap if he whines."

"It's fine," Cas said, looking around for a bottle opener. Gabriel did a little gesture with his finger and both bottles now were capless.

"Gabriel, save your power. We may need it for more important things like healing us."

"Yeah yeah, sorry. I forget. It's just habit." Gabriel smiled as he sipped his beer. "It's weird, you know, having the Darkness back. It was a hell of a fight. How much do you remember?"

Castiel choked on his beer. "I wasn't there. I wasn't even created yet."

"Yeah, but I know Michael told the story like a gazillion times, always bragging…" Gabriel hissed. "What an egomaniac," he said, lower in tone as he averted his eyes to the ceiling.

"My memory had been wiped too many times. I barely remember any of the stories," Castiel said with a hint of melancholy. He made eye contact with Gabriel and he was clearly affected by what Castiel had just said.

"I'm sorry, Castiel. Heaven was… well when God left… You never deserved that kind of treatment. Hell, you never deserved any of it. You were always one of the good ones."

Gabriel stood and walked over to the table where he had his bag of candy. He reached in and pulled out a lollipop, unwrapped it and shoved it in his mouth.

He continued, "When we find Dad, he'll make it right. He's always loved you. A lot. I bet he'll even make you an angel again."

Castiel's eyes lowered. He wasn't even sure he wanted that now. Okay, It would be great to be able to heal again, zap around, and especially be more useful to the Winchesters., but he was also afraid of him and Dean drifting apart again. More importantly, he was worried about not being with Dean forever. Castiel would be immortal and Dean, well, he had an expiration date, as all humans do. With Castiel being human, he could live out his years with Dean, as a human couple.

He hadn't forgotten what Dean had said in the shower that day, about getting married. He knew it just slipped out and that Dean wasn't actually asking him for his hand in marriage, but it did send about a billion images and ideas into the former angel's head. If he'd remain human, then they could do all of those things. Get married, grow old together, Dean deserved that.

"Not sure you want that?" Gabriel said, sitting back on the edge of the bed, facing Castiel.

"It would be the smartest thing for me. I should want it but-"

"Look, Dean won't go anywhere. You guys built what you have now on when you were an angel."

"Yes, but… I would have to watch him die. He'd go to Heaven and I'd be left here, alone, without him. At least being human, we'd grow old together and maybe even… share a Heaven."

Gabriel smiled and it confused Castiel a little. "Wow, they really did wipe that adorable brain of yours way too many times."

Gabriel rose and reached into his bag of candy, finding a piece of chocolate and he threw it at Castiel. He caught it and eyed Gabriel, curiously.

"You and Dean are like… uh, soulmates or whatever you kids call it nowadays. You lovebirds are gonna share a Heaven anyway, even if you're an angel."

Castiel unwrapped the chocolate without looking at it. He was too stuck on Gabriel and his words. "What?"

"Yeah, you'll be able to be with him in his Heaven. You won't be dead, per se, but you can be up there with him forever. Wouldn't you like that?"

Castiel was unsure what to say or even think. How had he not known about this? "But when Dean had died that one time, he was in his Heaven and I could only reach him via spell and-"

"Well, you were cut off, remember? When we find God, we'll make sure that never happens again."

All of the memories of that year came crashing down on him. Of course, now it made sense and now the idea of being an angel again didn't seem so bad. He could be stronger, and protect the boys better, and when the time came, he could be with Dean forever in Heaven. That was much better than even the idea of being on earth.

For Dean and him would be truly eternal, living in peace.

"So, not a bad future, huh?" Gabriel was smiling and sucking his lollipop as Castiel shoved the piece of chocolate in his mouth, salivating at the delicious combination of cocoa and sugar.

"No." Castiel smiled and finished his beer as Dean and Sam came back. Dean eyed Castiel and Gabriel and raised his eyebrows.

"Deep convo?" he asked, setting his duffel down on the table. He peaked over at the bag of candy and helped himself.

"Hey, that's my candy," Gabriel said as he rose from the bed and headed over to Dean.

Dean looked at the beer in Gabriel's hand. "At that's my beer." He smiled wide and glanced at Castiel who was smiling back.

"So, does it look like the dark angels are still here?" Castiel asked, his eyes bouncing between Dean and Sam.

Dean joined Cas on the bed and grabbed the beer out of his hand and took a sip. "Well, nothing's happened since we arrived so it's hard to tell."

"Yeah, so I think what we should do is at least spend the night and hang around tomorrow, see if anything happens," Sam said as he opened the motel door. He glanced at Gabriel and tilted his head. "You comin'?"

Gabriel grinned at Cas and Dean and followed Sam out. Sam peaked back in and said, "I'll call you guys if I hear anything, so do the same." They left and Dean locked the door behind them.

Castiel watched as Dean stripped out of his clothes. He loved seeing how his muscles flexed when he worked on his belt, or how his ass looked when he bent over to remove his socks. Dean caught him staring at him and he winked.

"Gonna take a quick shower."

"Okay," Castiel said, staring at his gorgeous lover. For some reason, Dean was blushing but he couldn't understand why. He'd seen Dean naked many times already and well, has done many things to that naked body. Whatever the reason, it was adorable because when Dean blushed, his ears even turned red. 

He couldn't wait for him to finish cleaning up because Cas was already rock hard, just from watching Dean strip, and so he pulled off his pants and shirt and relaxed in bed, positioning himself so that the sheet only covered his crotch. He looked down at himself and then suddenly felt really stupid, thinking,  _what am I trying to achieve here? To look sexy for Dean when he came out of the shower? To make him want to ravish me because I'm lying this way, suggestively on the bed?_  Castiel chuckled but before he could change his position, Dean was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, checking him out.

With a sly smile, Dean threw the towel onto the chair by the table and walked over to the bed. He slid under the covers, taking hold of Cas' thighs while doing so. Castiel inhaled, sharply at the touch. Dean's hands contained this power, this energy that Castiel could never quite figure out. For all the years he'd know the green eyed man, his touch had sent electricity through him. Whether it was a slight touch on his shoulder, or back, or in this case, his thighs, he emitted this awesome feeling that would surge through Castiel and land right on his heart.

He lied back on the pillow, allowing Dean more room. The hunter brought his mouth to his and they kissed, tongues circling together, pushing between their lips and it caused Castiel to moan in Dean's mouth. He grabbed the back of Dean's shoulders and brought his naked body down onto his own, letting their groins press together. Castiel sighed at the friction, as his erection needed the attention, badly.

Dean pulled away from Castiel's mouth and ran his tongue along his neck and down to his chest, teasing his nipples, one at a time. Castiel rested a hand on Dean's head and he carded and tugged at his hair as Dean moved even further down. His lips gently kissing Castiel's skin as he made his way lower, licking his stomach.

"Mmm," Castiel hummed, barely audible.

The feeling of Dean's hot mouth moving to his cock caused Castiel to jerk. He settled back against the pillow and relished in the feeling of being inside Dean's mouth. He sucked and licked and it was so perfect, he couldn't believe he was the first man Dean had done this with. Suddenly visions of Crowley and those pictures filled his head and then a burning feeling in his stomach made him queasy. He held his breath, trying to push away those images because he knew how stupid it was. He shouldn't be jealous of Dean's past affairs and he sure as hell should not be jealous of that demon.

But before he could wipe those thoughts out of his head, Dean had stopped sucking him and was now staring up at him, concerned.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

Was it that obvious? Of course it was. Castiel swallowed and shook his head. "It's fine."

Dean crawled up to him so that they could be face to face and he leaned on one elbow. "Liar."

Castiel turned and faced the hunter, ashamed for ruining their moment but Dean placed a hand on his face and smiled. "Tell me."

"Dean. I'm fine, just some annoying thoughts came into my head, but they're gone, so let's continue." Castiel kissed Dean's cheek and slid his hand down his chest but Dean grabbed it and looked at him, sternly.

"Cas, don't do this. We're not holding shit in anymore, remember?"

Castiel nodded. He felt like an idiot and letting this all get to him was the last thing he wanted to happen.

"Look, you know I'm not a fan of the Lifetime moments, but come on Cas, with us it's okay. So spill."

Castiel rolled his eyes, wanting nothing more than to avoid the whole thing altogether but Dean was right. It would be hypocritical of him to expect Dean to be open about everything and not do the same. So he inhaled, shakily and spoke.

"I know I said I was fine with what happened between you and Crowley, but-"

Dean growled and sat up, shaking his head. Castiel knew this was the last thing Dean wanted to hear but he asked him to be honest so that is what he would be.

"I guess it just popped in my head, when I was thinking that you were good at… you know," Castiel was blushing and he felt like a jealous lunatic. He was sure Dean was going to yell at him, maybe call him a moron, maybe even leave the room and swap places with Gabriel.

Instead, Dean laughed. "Cas, look, I was a demon. I wasn't thinking clearly and you know this already."

"Yes, but… you do that so well and I couldn't get the image out of my head of you doing that with Crowley and-"

"Holy crap, Cas. I never…" Dean leaned forward, placing his hands on Cas' shoulders. "I never went down on Crowley, oh God no."

Castiel tilted his head and a warm feeling of relief washed over him. "You didn't?"

"No. Hell no. He just.. I let him, you know, to me. But I never reciprocated. Ever!" Dean was smiling and shaking his head. "I'm sorry you had to see those pictures but trust me, Cas, I never touched him."

A very small smile crept over Cas' face and he breathed slower now. Even knowing the fact Dean had done some things with Crowley, he had never done them  _to_  Crowley and Cas didn't really understand why that made it a little better, but it did.

"I'm sorry I wasn't a  _gay_  virgin with you, Cas, but Crowley only did the thing you saw in the picture. We never did anything else."

"Dean, it's fine. I'm a little embarrassed for even suggesting that… I shouldn't even care. I don't know why I do."

Dean slid closer to Cas and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. "Because we're into something here and it's completely natural to be jealous. I don't even want to think about you and that reaper… never mind. Just accept that it's part of human nature. Or whatever."

Castiel smiled. "Yes, I was jealous before, even as an angel. When you kissed Anna-"

Dean gasped. "Oh my... why bring  _that_  up?" His eyebrows rose, playfully. "Really?"

"Oh yes." Castiel nodded. "I was so upset, I wanted to strangle her."

They shared a laugh and fell back, their heads each hitting the pillows. Castiel stared up at the ceiling feeling a little ridiculous but relieved at the same time. So his feelings were normal. He  _could_ be jealous sometimes. It  _should_  irritate him to imagine Dean with anyone else.

The reality of it all, however, was that Dean was his now and he was Dean's and whatever happened from now on was up to them. They both want this. They each want this to last forever and that was all Castiel needed to get back into the mood. He pressed his body close to the hunter so that their cocks touched and he moved, slowly, giving Dean the friction he needed to get hard again.

Dean moaned and slithered against him, "So, can I finish what I started?" he asked, flashing that pirate smile of his. Castiel nodded so Dean turned his attention to Castiel's groin, maneuvering his upper body so that he could reach easily. They were now in a sideways sixty-nine position so Castiel took full advantage of having Dean's hardening erection so close to his face, he took him in his mouth after pumping him a bit.

Dean moaned against Castiel's, now sucking him faster, using one hand to jerk the base. They both sucked and licked and moved their hips against each other's faces. Castiel was floating. This act felt so incredibly good, he made a mental note to do this more often.

He wrapped his arms around Dean's waist and pulled him closer, forcing Dean deeper into his mouth and he shivered when he felt the vibration of Dean's moan against his own cock. Dean stiffened and filled Castiel's mouth and it was delicious and hot. Castiel came shortly after and he gasped at the feel of his now sensitive tip pressed against Dean's tongue as Dean lapped up all the remaining juices.

Dean crawled up the bed to lie next to Castiel, throwing his arm around his waist. His swollen red lips gently brushed against Cas' neck and cheek. "What ever happened in the past, even the stuff that we don't ever want to remember, just know this Cas," They made eye contact. "I've never wanted anyone or anything more than you."

Castiel's heart sped up. "Dean, I talked to Gabriel today and," Castiel kissed Dean's lips because it was just too distracting not to. "He told me that since we're soulmates, when we die, we're going to be sharing a Heaven."

Dean's eyes grew wide. "Wait, what?"

"You know, soulmates share Heavens."

Dean sighed. "Right, but uh, but what if you're an angel? Don't think angels and humans share one, do they?"

"They do. Well, we would. I could-"

Castiel was interrupted by Dean's lips on his. He kissed him so passionately, Castiel thought they were going to start up again but then Dean lifted his head, foreheads touching. "So, like, together forever?"

Castiel nodded.

"That made my day, Cas. Hell, that made my year." Dean rested his head on Castiel's chest as the former angel ran his fingers through his hair. Castiel smiled, thinking " _Yeah, it made my mine too."_


	18. Chapter 18

It was about four a.m. when Castiel was awoken by Dean's phone ringing next to them on the nightstand. Dean wasn't budging so Castiel leaned over, still with his eyes closed and grabbed it.

"Yes?" Castiel said, hoarsely.

" _Cas, it's Sam. There was another attack."_

Castiel sat up, blinking his eyes awake. He nudged Dean and then ran a hand through his hair. "Here? In Greenview?"

" _No. In the state over. Indiana. Maybe they're moving east, can't be sure, but we should get moving."_

"Okay. Let me wake Dean and we'll meet you at the car."

Castiel nudged Dean again and the hunter let out a grumpy groan. "Wwwhat?" he slurred.

"The angels attacked again, but in Indiana. We need to go."

Dean grabbed Cas' arm and pulled him down on top of him, kissing him. "Just a little bit longer?"

"Dean..."

Dean smirked, pressing his lips firmly on Castiel's again, his hand playfully running through the his messy hair. Castiel relaxed in Dean's embrace and slid his body over him. He felt Dean smiling against his mouth and he pulled away, slightly.

"I wonder how we'll ever get anything done, now," Castiel teased, pecking Dean in between his words.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, caressing his back, gingerly brushing his fingers across his scars. His hips bucked and Castiel could immediately feel Dean's arousal. He knew he should pull away, get out of bed, get ready to go. Sam would be waiting and annoyed if they took too long.

But being swallowed by Dean's heat and passion was just too much to ignore.

He pushed back against him, causing Dean to moan, deep and husky, giving Castiel a slight flip in his stomach. He needed  _this_  all the time. To be here, alone with Dean, giving into their desires. Yes, the world out there relied on them, as it always did, but  _they_  needed  _this_. Intimacy. Warmth. Love.

When Dean locked his eyes on him and stared, so intensely, it made Castiel shutter. In a good way. Cas moved with Dean, giving them exactly what they both needed to get off. Castiel didn't break their gaze when he lowered his chest onto Dean's, the heat now making him dizzy. His elbows rested on either side of Dean's head and he bent forward to give him a soft kiss on his forehead, his hands taking the place where his lips were and brushing the hair back.

They came quickly as their cocks rubbed together, spilling out all over Dean's stomach. Castiel's head dropped, heavy and weighted against Dean's neck. He tried to catch his breath, and bring himself back to reality as Dean whispered in his ear, "This is Heaven. Right here, with you, no matter where we are, this is... " Dean held Cas' head up. "Everything."

A smile crept over Castiel's face and he kissed the tip of Dean's nose, wishing he could lick up his freckles. He saw the shyness in Dean as he confessed this. He knew it wasn't easy for him. Even though they had taken their friendship to the next level, Castiel could still see the way Dean got when he opened up. His cheeks blushed. His voice cracked. His hands trembled.

Cas wished he could reply with something as deep and meaningful but he was at a loss of words. He felt the same, of course. He had felt that way for years now. Being with Dean was everything he'd ever wanted. It was paradise, a small little bubble of happiness inside a world too harsh and difficult to imagine without him.

So what he lacked in words, he made up for in kisses. Starting with his forehead, his nose (again) his lips, his chin, cheeks, neck, all making Dean hum with pleasure. As much as he wanted to remain in this bed for the rest of the day, he knew that it would be a matter of minutes before Sam started calling, wondering what was taking them so long.

Castiel hesitantly crawled out of bed and held out a hand for Dean, which he grabbed and Cas giggled when Dean stumbled over his clothes that had been strewn on the floor. With tired yawns, the boys showered, dressed, and packed up their belongings. Castiel threw the strap of his duffel over his shoulder and headed for the door, only to be pulled back by Dean.

"Wait."

"Dean..."

Dean smiled, slightly as he brought his arms around Castiel's waist. He kissed him, breathing heavy against him and Castiel had no choice but to drop his bag and wrap his arms around Dean's shoulders. The kisses were tender and not at all trying to stir anything up, which Castiel had to admit, disappointed him a little. He chuckled to himself at the inner conflict inside of him now.

_Help the world, find God. Or stay here with Dean and make love all day._

But Dean pulled back, still smiling. He didn't say anything, he just let his eyes talk for him, and the two stood there for another half a minute just staring. Dean's eyes were extra green with the way the motel lamp next to them shone on his face. They were sparkling too and for a moment, Castiel wasn't sure if he'd been imagining it.

In silence, they pulled apart, sighing as they did so, and headed outside to the Impala.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"I'm gonna pop over there and scope out the place. I'll meet up with you guys, later," Gabriel said as he exited the motel room.

"Are you sure it's safe?" Dean asked.

"No. But I'll be sneaky." Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows and snapped himself away.

Dean rolled his eyes and headed to the driver's side. Sam insisted on laying across the back seat now that Gabriel was gone, so Castiel took the front. Dean started the car and then he turned it off, sighing.

"Hang on. I'm gonna need some caffeine before we hit the road."

"I'll get it," Castiel offered. He ran inside the motel lobby and made three cups of coffee for them. One black with sugar for Dean. One with milk for Sam, and Cas liked milk and sugar in his. He came back to the car and handed out the cups as he sat back down.

"Thanks, Cas," Sam and Dean chorused.

They drove for a few hours until they hit Mooresville, Indiana, where the latest victims were found with burnt out eyes. Castiel lamented over the fact that they couldn't track these angels properly and all they could do was follow the trail of lifeless husks. It didn't sit well with him.

And it also occurred to all of them that the angels were probably leading them to a trap. Regardless, they still couldn't just leave it alone. If these angels were searching for God as well, they just hoped they'd find him first.

The rain had already started its relentless downpour as a powerful storm rolled in. Sam checked them into another small motel. This time, there was only one room so they would have to all share. There were two king sized beds but it wasn't going to be too rough a night.

Of course Castiel was aware that sharing a room with Sam meant no fooling around with Dean. It was for the better, since he probably would have a hard time getting in the mood now, with carrying the knowledge of those poor innocent people falling under the wrath of these dark angels. He'd have to ask Gabriel when he returned how they'd make sure to stay off the radar, enough so to move in, undetected.

It had also been decided that there would be no more questions with law enforcement or coroners, for they knew what this was and examining the bodies would be completely unnecessary.

"So, that's all we can do? Just wait for them to kill again and then move?" Dean said as he kicked off his shoes and plopped down on the bed.

"Until we can find a pattern. Yeah. They were in Texas, right? Where we saw the first one? Then Illinois. Now Indiana…"

"So moving east-ish." Dean eyed Sam and Castiel.

"God may not even be in this country." Castiel looked at Sam. "Were there similar reports worldwide?"

Sam shook his head, sitting down at the table, his shoulders slumped. The lightning from outside bounced off of his face as his head leaned into his palm. "No. Not as far as I can tell. These events are just happening now. Did you notice there wasn't anything after that attack in Galveston?"

Castiel sat across from Sam, reaching over for a bottle of water. So why now, why stop after that first attack and then start up again? How many could there be now? Gabriel had mentioned that the time he and God had to fight them, there were countless numbers of these Belial. Castiel wondered how fast they're multiplying. He hoped Gabriel would be back soon so he could ask him.

The rest of the day was uneventful, as Sam spent most of it in front of his laptop and Cas and Dean watched television shows, one after the other. Occasionally Sam would call out about something he found but it was never anything particularly useful.

The weather was getting worse and it became hard for Cas and Dean to even hear the television over the roar of the rain. At about nine at night, the power went out in the room. Cas turned to Dean who was already moving off of the bed and to his feet. Dean turned on the flashlight from his phone to light up the path to the table.

Sam moved the curtains aside a bit and sighed. "No power outside either. The streetlamps are even off."

"You think it's the angels?"

"No clue," Sam said as he reached for his phone. "Crap, no bars. Towers are out too?"

"Why does this seem omeny to me?" Dean said as he peeked outside.

The wind was picking up and the thunder and lightning were now crashing down overhead. Castiel leaned over Dean's shoulder to get a look. The trees were bending sideways, matching the direction of the wind and rain.

"It could just be a natural storm. I'm not sure the Belial would leave omens like demons," Castiel informed them. "Then again, I barely know anything about them."

"Where the hell is Gabriel?" Sam said, checking his phone.

A couple of hours passed while the boys sat in the dark. They didn't want to waste the batteries on their phones, since they'd have no electricity to charge them, should they run out. Castiel said a few prayers to Gabriel, hoping he'd hear him and come back as soon as possible. If this strong weather condition was something paranormal, Castiel was pretty sure they'd be in way over their heads. There was no way they could even attempt to defend themselves against the dark angels.

Just then, the motel door burst open, causing them all to jump. Gabriel stood, covered in blood and his clothes ripped to shreds. Castiel's heart skipped a beat seeing his brother so beaten. "Gabriel? What happ-"

Castiel's words were cut off as one of the Belial appeared behind Gabriel. The dark angel threw Gabriel across the room and peered his dark violet eyes at the boys. First Sam, then Dean, and then he stopped on Castiel.

If Castiel could describe the feeling he was getting off of this ominous creature, it would be similar to what one would feel when they free-fall. It was something that caused his stomach to drop suddenly and he struggled for a breath. Visions of Heaven floated around in his mind, Michael and his stories of the big holy battle. Usually, Castiel would be dizzy when these memories resurfaced, but he was no longer an angel. No longer a servant of heaven.

Michael and his scare tactics, keeping them all in tow, making them scared to love, scared to feel. Castiel wondered what it really took back then, to contain the Darkness. How many archangels had there been aiding God? How many of them did it take to rid of these Belial? 

Before any one of them could comprehend what was going on, the dark angel swiftly grabbed Sam by the neck and tossed him out of the way as he headed straight for Castiel.

Castiel backed up, reaching for something, anything to use to defend himself. The room was too dark, save for the quick flashes of light that came from the storm. The Belial took Castiel by the arm and tried dragging him out the door. Castiel pulled back but it was useless, for this angel was far stronger than him.

"Cas!" Dean called out and he jumped on the angel, only to piss him off even more. He let go of Castiel and peered down at Dean who had been knocked onto the floor so quickly that Castiel didn't even see it happen.

"Dean, no!" Cas yelled as Dean scrambled to his feet, positioning himself to attack the angel again.

Castiel wasn't sure what he was seeing. The crash of thunder shook the room, as if a bomb went off and when a quick flash of lightning lit the room, all Castiel could see was the Belial attacking Dean. He ran toward him, hoping to find his way without running into anything when another flash of light light the way.

Dean was in the air now, the dark angel's hand gripping tightly around his neck. Castiel looked around for something to use to distract the angel. He saw Sam doing the same. Flash after flash and it was like watching some old distant film. He had to save Dean. He had to get the angel away from him. Castiel's brow was wet now and as he stumbled over to where he thought the angel was, he knocked into a chair and cursed.

"Dammit!" Cas cried out, "Get away from him. If you want me, take me. I'm right here!"

The lightning beamed again and Castiel saw that the angel was now looking his way. He still had Dean in his firm grip but Castiel was sure he'd want to come after him instead. "Yeah, that's right. Take me. I'm all yours." Castiel spread his arms out. He felt stronger as he mimicked Dean's usual bravado.

Through more bursts of light, Castiel noticed the angel still looking at him and then it seemed all sound left the room and all he heard was a cracking noise. Castiel tried to see what it could have been and when he saw Dean's body fall to the floor after the angel had released him, Castiel froze.

"No," Castiel whispered. "No," he said a little louder. "NO!" he hollered.

Suddenly a brilliant and blinding light filled the room. Castiel wanted to run to Dean but he had to cover his eyes with his arm, because it hurt to even close them and he then realized that Gabriel must have found a way to make an angel banishing sigil. When it seemed like the brightness dimmed, Castiel took his arm away from his face and immediately looked down at Dean.

"Oh God, no," Sam said as he rushed to his brother's side.

There was something unreal about what Castiel was seeing. The power came back on and a strange buzzing noise filled the room. Cas was frozen, lost in the sounds of Sam sobbing and some other voice, probably Gabriel but he couldn't be sure. He was focused on Dean's face, his eyes were closed. Why would Dean be sleeping now?

"Gabriel, bring him back. Now!" Sam yelled out.

_What was Sam talking about? Bring who back?_

"I- I can't Sam. My mojo, they… I don't know how but I have no power. Nothing," Gabriel said, with a desperation in his voice. "I'm so sorry, that thing, it... dragged me here. I don't know if he was reading my mind or what, I don't know how he knew to bring me here."

Castiel looked up at Gabriel and noticed for the first time ever, a look of anguish on the archangel. Gabriel even had tears in his eyes and Castiel wasn't sure what the big deal was. They banished the angel. They would just have to leave now. Wake Dean up and leave.

"Cas, God Cas, I don't know what to say, or do. I'm so sorry."

"What's wrong, brother? We just need to leave." Castiel looked down at Sam. "Come on Sam, I'll help you bring Dean to the car if he's refusing to wake up."

Sam and Gabriel were staring at Castiel strangely. Sam, wiping his tears away, rose to his feet and glared hard at the former angel. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Sam, I-," Castiel tilted his head, confused by Sam's words.

"Dean is dead, Cas. That  _thing_  killed him. Snapped his fucking neck. What the hell is wrong with you?" Sam knelt down and pulled Dean's upper body onto his lap. His sobbing increased and all Castiel could do is shake his head.

"Sam, don't say that. Dean isn't-"

"Sam, he's in shock." Gabriel said, joining Sam on the floor, resting his hand on the younger Winchester's shoulder.

Both men looked up at Castiel again and he was feeling a bit odd. What was really going in? Was he dreaming? Was this some weird reality Gabriel had put them in? He remembered Gabriel's little Trickster games. Maybe this was another one of his stupid lessons. Oh, to have Dean die over and over again? Yes, that had to be it.

"Gabriel, is this another one of your Dean dies on a Tuesday game because this is not the time nor the place to-"

"Are you kidding me right now?" Sam said, shaking his head, refusing to even look up at Castiel.

Gabriel rose and approached the confused former angel. "Cas, this is really bad and I need you to snap out of whatever denial you're in right now. That Belial killed Dean and he took away my mojo. I can't bring Dean back, capiche?"

He heard Gabriel but his words just floated away as if they were leaves blowing in the wind. His mind was circling around the past; his time working for Heaven, when he had first met Dean. Castiel was pulled back to seven years ago and it felt as if it was yesterday.

 

 

* * *

  ** _~Then~_**

 

"What do you see in that boy anyway, Castiel? Uriel asked him.

"I don't know. His heart, maybe. His soul. He's remarkable, Uriel."

Uriel barked. "I see a pain in the ass-wanna be-do gooder that refuses to listen to a damn word we tell him. That's what I see."

Castiel paced, thinking hard about what Uriel was telling him. Sure, Dean questioned everything and he was skeptical of them. He should be. This was what made him a great hunter. This was what he'd been taught.

"He's more than that, Uriel. Much more."

"Did you not see what that so called righteous man was doing in Hell when we had to pull him out?" Uriel's eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms, watching Castiel as if he was some kind of abomination. With disgust.

"It wasn't his fault. You know that. It wasn't-"

"He made a choice. He broke the first seal."

"He doesn't know that. He didn't know that."

Uriel shook his head and walked away from Castiel. He remembered feeling so alone then. He started to have these uncontrollable feelings for Dean but he had no idea what to do about it. Uriel, along with the angels in charge had given Castiel warnings, over and over about it.

But Castiel ignored them. Each time. He hadn't planned to, for every time they would try and set him straight, he went back down to earth with every intention of adhering to their warnings. He'd tell himself that he wouldn't be giving in to Dean's adorable smile, or charming personality. He be strong and do what had to be done, without getting swept up in those green eyes.

He failed every time. He'd get one look at Dean Winchester and all bets were off. He was back at being smitten and awestruck and all it would take was Dean to look at him. Just one glance of green meeting blue and he was done for.

He was then back in the green room with Dean. It was there he'd made his final choice. His decision to stay with Dean. Or help Dean. He wasn't even sure what it would all mean at that point but he knew, after all of the months of questioning and sitting on the fence, he was ready. He was ready to give it all up for the righteous man. Dean Winchester whom he had fallen in love with.

 

 

* * *

  _ **~Now~**_

 

Castiel felt a pain in his chest but he wasn't sure what was causing it. He was now going over the last five minutes and he really had no grasp on what had taken place. Dean was on the floor, Sam was crying, and now even Gabriel was distressed. Suddenly he felt a hand come in contact with his face, hitting him so hard, it knocked him back a few feet.

"Snap the hell out of it, Cas!" Gabriel shouted.

Castiel brought his hand up to his now red and stinging face. He looked at Gabriel, then at Sam. He didn't remember falling to the floor but he was now down on his knees, his head buried in his hands and he was sobbing.

" _We've been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry it ended like this."_

He crawled over to Dean, where Sam was still hovering and he put his hand on Dean's face. "Dean?" Castiel said, his voice broken and barely audible.

There weren't any words to say or actions to take. Something had been ripped out of Castiel, something big, and he was feeling hollow, empty, he didn't know what to do. His difficulty breathing made him think his heart might give out due to the burning pain that resided in it now. Castiel had never felt loss like this before. He'd not even imagined what it would do to him if he ever lost Dean. This was worse than having to murder all of those fake Deans by Naomi's command or finding out from Metatron that he killed Dean.

His Dean, his love, was lying dead on a motel floor and all Castiel could do was cry. This couldn't be happening. This was too soon. Dean couldn't be taken from Castiel now.  _Not now. Please, not now. There was so much more they were going to do together._

Life couldn't go on without him. There was really no point in even being there anymore. He has to find Dean in Heaven. He'll meet him there and they could be together, forever. He didn't have to be here now without him. Sam would be okay. Gabriel can look after him. Maybe Gabriel would get his powers back.

But then if he got his powers back, he could bring back Dean.

Too many thoughts were racing around his head. He finally looked up at Sam who was a complete mess. A hand rested on Cas' shoulder, which was obviously Gabriel's.

"Castiel did have a point, we need to skedaddle before any more of those asshats show up again," Gabriel said, squeezing Cas' shoulder.

"Okay, yeah," Sam said.

Sam slid back and let Dean's head fall to the ground and this caused Castiel to gasp. Castiel grabbed Dean's shoulders and pulled him to his own lap. He caressed his rapidly cooling cheek and moved the hair back from his forehead.

All the times they had laughed, and cried, and talked, played in his mind like watching a movie off of a projector. His smile, those eyes, that wink… Castiel saw them together in that park, Dean looking out over the lake with the sun shining just right, his freckles seem to multiply on his nose. He loved those freckles.

He remembered thinking exactly that during the time they'd been on that bench, watching the kids in the playground. Right after the whole Samhain ordeal. Dean was so beautiful, his eyes, nose, everything. And at that moment, Castiel had to confess to him. There was something about Dean that urged Castiel to trust him. To open up to him. To love him.

" _I'm not a… hammer as you say. I have questions, I have doubts. I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore, whether you passed or failed here. But in the coming months you will have more decisions to make. I don't envy the weight that's on your shoulders, Dean. I truly don't."_

His love for Dean had grown from that moment, he remembered. All through the Michael and Lucifer fiasco, and when he'd been working with Crowley. Dean's words had never burned right through him as they did that day when Castiel had swallowed all those souls. He had wished he could react, but those monsters inside of him refused to let him.

" _Listen to me. Listen, I know there's a lot of bad water under the bridge, but we were family once. I'd have died for you. I almost did a few times. So if that means anything to you... Please. I've lost Lisa, I've lost Ben, and now I've lost Sam. Don't make me lose you too."_

But it had been before that moment. Before Castiel opened Purgatory that he could have sworn Dean was on the verge of revealing something to him. When they had trapped Cas in the holy fire and Dean's heart had broken when he'd found out what Castiel had been up to, right before they left. It was right before he walked out that door, he turned to him Castiel had been positive he read his mind. Dean silently told him that he loved him.

"I could go too," Castiel said, unsure why he said it aloud.

"Go where? What are you talking about, Cas?" Sam said.

"To Heaven." Castiel looked up, wiping the tears from his eyes. "You can kill me, and I'll go find Dean. We're going to share a Heaven you know, because we're soulmates-" He turned to Gabriel. "Right, Gabriel? Isn't that what you said?"

"Uh," Gabriel turned to Sam and shrugged. "Yeah but Cas, we need you alive right now. Let's get Dean in the car and who knows, maybe we'll find God and he could help bring Dean back, does that sound like a good plan?"

Sam snapped his head in Gabriel's direction and his eyes were widening. "Of course. God'll bring Dean back. He needs Dean." Sam looked down at his dead brother. " _We_  need Dean."

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was strange and not at all comforting to be sitting in the back seat with Dean, but Castiel refused to allow Gabriel to take care of Dean's lifeless body. Sam drove hastily to their next stop which was in the next state over. The attacks were becoming more and more frequent. Sam had been tracking the angels from his phone and they seemed to be in fact moving east.

Castiel caressed Dean's cheek and closed his eyes as he thought of some more pleasant times between them. Times when Dean wasn't dead or hurt. Times when all they did was laugh, or talk for hours, until the sun came up. Castiel recalled sitting on the Impala one night with Dean as they stared at the stars. It must have been about three years ago now. It was after Castiel had come back from Purgatory and Dean had been undoubtedly attached to him, clinging and overprotective. He remembered feeling so strangely about it back then, to have Dean so overbearing and concerned for him.

Of course it made so much more sense now. Now that he knew that Dean's real feelings were stirring around in that heart of his for all those years.

That night was pretty special for the boys. Sam had fallen asleep in the back seat but Dean was restless and decided to park the Impala next to a vast open field. Cas followed him around the car and the two sat on the hood, watching the sky.

Dean had talked about Purgatory a little that night. He confessed that not knowing where Cas was that whole time really left him with a gaping hole inside. Castiel's shame overcame him at that point, as he apologized to Dean over and over again, until Dean had told him to shut up, they shared a smile and a laugh before returning their attention back to the sky.

Castiel recalled noticing the small, very small attempts Dean had made to open up back then. Purgatory had did a number on them both, and the pain from the experience carried well over that year. He never brought it up with the hunter but seeing Dean in that place was the most exposed he'd ever seen him. Dean wasn't hiding from himself. He was pure. He didn't conceal the fact that missing Castiel had burdened him with feelings he wasn't used to.

Dean. So brave. So true. Didn't give up. He never gave up. Even with the mark, he refused to give into it, totally. His soul was so bright. So brilliant. There is no other creature in existence that matched Dean's heart. No one aside from Sam.

Now Sam was trying to be strong for all of them and Castiel felt a little guilt about that. This was his brother, his family, whose head was in Castiel's lap right now. Dean was dead. Dean was gone. Castiel couldn't control his crying now and he started to rock back and forth, ignoring the concerned looks from Gabriel which he knew he was giving him from the front seat.

"It's okay, Dean. We're gonna find God and he'll bring you back to us. To me," Castiel whispered.


	19. Chapter 19

After a really bizarre drive up a mountain road, Dean found himself outside of the bunker. He knew he was dead. None of what was happening was making a lick of sense, especially the fact that the sky turned from night to day and then back to night in a manner of minutes.

The last thing Dean remembered when he was alive was the Sith angel choking him. He saw Cas running toward him and then Dean felt a snap in his neck and it was lights out for him. He rubbed the area now with his left hand, cringing at the memory.

Okay, so he was dead now and he'd driven himself to the bunker and this, he assumed was a nice new memory to live out. He left the car and entered the main room. He heard voices, laughter, coming from the kitchen and he headed inside to see Sam, Cas, and Charlie standing around. All eyes turned to him.

"Come on, Dean. We're hungry," Charlie said, eying the boxes of pizza that were now in his hands.

He looked at the pizza boxes and shrugged, remembering now that this was  _that_ night when Charlie came to them with the Book of the Damned. That fateful time that would be the last moment they were all together. This wasn't so bad. Here he was, with his brother, Cas, Charlie… eating, drinking, laughing and yeah, he liked this. He loved this.

He glanced at Cas, quickly and noticed his awkwardness. He chuckled, thinking about how that night was for Cas. He had just gotten his grace, Dean assumed with Hannah's help. It was a little heartwarming to see Cas flustered when Charlie told him his fortune. Knowing what Dean knew now, it made it all the more special to him.

Dean turned to Sam, who was smiling while chewing his pizza, then at Charlie and her silly little fortune telling device and...

 _Sam was smiling._  Wait. Sam was  _trying_  to smile. Dean saw it now. The struggled way he was trying to force himself to be happy and join in on the casual laughter. This night wasn't at all what Dean had thought it was.

Back then he thought they were just having a good time, but here was Cas, fidgeting and uncomfortable because he had been keeping secrets from Dean, and then Sam, hiding the fact he'd kept the book instead of throwing it into the fire. This wasn't where Dean wanted to be now. This night was a big lie.

Aside from him and Charlie actually reveling in their time together, Sam and Cas were deep into their own deceit. Not that Dean was angry at them now, because what's done is done, but this sure as hell wasn't where he wanted to spend the rest of his days. He rose from the chair, and the three remained eating, laughing, completely ignoring the fact now that Dean was leaving the room.

He turned back once and Cas looked up at him, smiling. It was Cas but it wasn't  _Cas._  This was Memorex Cas and he could tell because Dean could probably strip down, dance on the table, and they all of would just continue their normal behavior from that night.

It was unsettling for Dean as well. Cas told him that they'd share a Heaven and Dean wanted the real Cas with him. Not the Matrix version. He didn't want just some moment, frozen in time, playing over and over for him in some weird insincere way. So he left, hearing the faint sounds of Cas and Charlie talking.

It was still night and Dean looked up at the stars. The sky was filled with them, more so than in the real world. It seemed there was barely any space left for more. It was vast, and huge, and suddenly Dean felt really alone. Knowing what he knew now of Heaven, he didn't want to be there. It wasn't enough. He was in some room next to millions of other Dean Winchesters that took up a fluorescent lit hallway.

He got back in the car and sat for a while, unsure of where to go or what to do. He couldn't break out, he was sure the angels up there wouldn't be keen on giving him another chance. He was lucky to have had Hannah's help the last time but he was damn certain that was a one time deal.

Then he thought of another option. One that made him so antsy, he had to exit the car and pace. He looked up, to the side, even down as he yelled, "Ash, Ash man, if you can hear me on that angel radio thing you have, I need to talk to you. Ash, come in Ash."

Silence.

Dean tried this again and again, not giving up. He refused to move from this spot, afraid of what other memories might resurface. So he remained outside the bunker, next to Baby, calling out for a man that may or may not even be hearing him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The rain poured down on top of them as Sam drove off of the freeway. The visibility was close to zero and Sam told them that if he stayed on the road, they may not make it to the next stop at all. Castiel watched as Sam searched the forecast on his phone and he was shaking his head, not making Castiel feel any better about their situation.

"This is bad, guys. Storms are everywhere, almost in every state."

Gabriel leaned over to glance at the screen on Sam's phone. "This is what happened the last time. The Darkness screwed up all of the natural weather patterns."

"So, what the hell do we do?"

Gabriel shrugged. "It took God and a whole rest of the Brady Bunch to knock it down a peg. We don't have any other choice but to find pops."

Castiel focused on the rain as the sky continued to weep, hitting the windows is a constant pitter patter. It was like a wall of rain, relentless and unforgiving yet it was almost cleansing. Washing off the filth of regret, pain, and all of the other dark emotions that ran through him, making him feel for the first time in a very long time, like giving up.

If they didn't find God, and fast, Castiel did  _not_ want to remain there. He'd miss Sam sure, but Heaven was where he belonged. In Dean's Heaven.

He closed his eyes and he tried to sleep. He had moved his hand away from Dean's face, the lack of heat was causing what was left of Cas' heart, to break. Dean was always so warm, the heat would often comfort Cas. Now, he was stiff and cold and the former angel did everything in his power not to break down again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dean opened the front door of the Impala and sat in the driver's seat with one leg out. He turned on the radio and searched for a song. He realized that the radio was skipping through his own record collection and he smiled when he was able to listen to 'Zeppelin IV' all the way through.

The sky remained unchanged as he moved to sit on the hood and star gaze. He wondered what Cas was doing right now. He and Sam were most likely mourning him but there wasn't really anything he could do about it. It should upset him, make him feel bad for them, but he really didn't and he was unsure as to why.

 _Maybe you're not supposed to feel crap like that in Heaven. You're supposed to be a peace._  He recalled the first time he and Sam were shot and killed and he was experiencing all of those happy and bittersweet memories. He didn't feel bad for being dead then either. It just felt... inevitable.

 _Going to California_ started playing and it was one of Dean's favorites from this album. He closed his eyes and tried to think of all the times he'd been driving on a long lonely country road, blasting Zeppelin as loudly as Baby would allow. Those were great moments. He understood why his Heaven always started off in his car. It was the one constant in his life. It was the vessel that took him from here to there. From one memory to another. Always starting and ending with him back behind the wheel and ready for the next adventure.

The radio started fading in and out during the middle of  _When the Levee Breaks_  and Dean opened his eyes, turning his head around to see if anyone else was messing around with the car. He was alone, but the radio was emitting a strange static now and soon the song completely faded out.

"Dean… Dean is that you?" a very familiar voice echoed out of the car speakers.

Dean jumped off of the hood and raced to the driver's seat. "Hello?" he spoke to nothing, not even sure where it came from. He suddenly remembered how Cas was able to contact him this way, but that voice was certainly not his former angel.

"Dean? It's Ash."

A smile crept over Dean's face and he threw his head back with a hearty chuckle. "Fucking, Ash man. What the hell took you so long?"

"I had to track you bro. Not that easy," Ash said, but from the passenger seat and Dean jumped.

"Jesus-"

Ash laughed. "Come on," he sang as he exited the car. "You can leave her here, she'll be fine."

Dean followed Ash down the road and off into a wooded area. He moved aside some thick brush revealing a wooden door with sigils on them. He turned back to Dean and smirked. "Ya can never be too careful." Ash opened the door and they were back at Harvelle's. Dean inhaled the familiar aroma of whiskey and cigarettes and nothing ever smelled better.

"I've really missed this place."

"Figures. You and your dive bars." A female voice chimed from across the room. Dean peered over past Ash and there she was, the lovable redhead sitting at the bar with a laptop in front of her.

Charlie.

"Hey, this was a palace, and in no way a dive." Ash hit Dean's arm. "Tell her, Dean."

But Dean was speechless and totally caught off guard.  _Charlie, dead and bloody in the motel bathtub_. It was tragic how she died, how he and Sam had found her. She died trying to save Dean from himself. He knew he'd never forgive himself for that. Ever. Now, here she was with Ash, another person who'd died for getting mixed up with the Winchesters.

Charlie smiled, slyly at him and hopped off of the bar stool, quickly making her way over to the dazed hunter. "What? Cat's got your tongue" She wrapped her arms around in a tight hug. Dean, without thinking, hugged her back, letting his chin rest on the top of her head.

It felt good to have her in his arms. Something he thought he'd never be able to do ever again. "How in the hell did you find each other?" Dean exhaled as they pulled away. He eyed the both of them, and then watched Ash as he made his way back behind the bar.

"Well, funny story, actually." Charlie smiled, heading back over to her laptop. "When I… you know, died, I was in my happy place, with my parents and everything was really special and cool but then I remembered what Sam told me about Heaven and escape hatches, and yeah, it wasn't long before I was trying to hack my way through this place."

Ash nodded and joined in, "So, I keep hearing some crazy brainiac tryin' to actually infiltrate my angel radio when I finally went after her and when we found out that we had the  _Winchesters_  in common, I brought her back with me here."

Dean's eyebrows raised. Of course, leave it to Charlie to do something like that. She was smiling, toothy and wide for Dean. "So, I go back every now and then, because I do love being with my family, but this is hella cool, you know? Ash and I are like BFFs now."

Dean shook his head and sat in the bar stool next to Charlie. "I'm happy for you. I know you love this sort of stuff."

Charlie turned in her chair. "Totally. I mean, this is like the coolest thing I have ever hacked, like ever. Makes Norad seem like child's play!" Her face went from joyful to solemn. "So you, uh, kicked it?"

Dean nodded.

"Bummer. How's Sam? Cas?"

For the first time he'd been in Heaven, grief came over him. He missed them. He missed his brother's bitchface and Cas' puppy dog blue eyes. He missed the way Sam smiled and laughed and how Cas tilted his head when he was confused about something. He missed being in the car with the two of them, driving to nowhere in particular, or maybe to their next job. He missed Cas' lips on his, his arms around his body, the sweet words he'd whisper in his ear when they were in bed together, the smell and taste of his skin, so earthy and delicious. That small hint of a smile he'd sometimes have after Dean would compliment him on something.

"Dean." Charlie hit his arm.

"Oh, sorry. I was just-"

"You're missing them. I can tell. I know, being in here it's not like being in your Heaven. It's like the reality of it all sinks in and there's nothing you can really do about it."

"Yeah," Dean nodded. "Something like that."

The longing for his brother and Cas grew as they sat together and it started to become unbearable for Dean. He decided that he needed a distraction. Something to mask the yearning in his heart. "So, anything interesting on angel radio?"

"Well, we did hear about this Darkness mumbo jumbo. Did that cure really do that?"

Dean nodded. Charlie continued after raising her eyebrows and shaking her head. "Wow. that must have been some powerful book." She smiled, nervously. "And how do you feel? You know, markless?"

"We're trying to find God, or well, Cas and Sam are now, I guess." Dean blurted, unsure why he didn't answer Charlie's question. He wanted to. He should. But his mouth refused to let him. It would hurt too much remembering that removing the mark had allowed him to be close with Cas and just thinking it made him miss that guy even more.

"God, huh? Well good luck. If you do find him, tell him that I want a bigger pool table in here," Ash said.

Charlie added, "Yeah, uh, Dean," Charlie gave Ash a look, as if to give them some privacy to which Ash kindly obliged with a nod. She turned back to Dean. "I can probably rig it up to where you can talk to Sam and Cas again, just briefly."

"What? really?" Dean wasn't even sure what in the hell she was talking about but just the thought of being able to at least say goodbye to them sounded too good to be true.

"Yeah, uh, kinda like how Ash talked to you in your car. I can make it so you can contact them if they're in your car now. Your  _real_ car."

"Yes, Charlie, please."

Charlie gave a quick glance to Ash. He came over and hooked up some kind of box to her laptop and really, Dean had no idea what they two of them were doing. There were wires being plugged into this or that and antennas being attached to other boxes and computers, and then finally, Charlie typed something and the screen on her laptop turned blue.

"Okay, here goes. I can't promise anything," she said, giving Dean a warning glare. He watched as she typed a bunch of codes onto the screen and then Dean could hear static, finally. A voice started to come through the speakers and his eyes widened as he and Charlie shared a look. He heard Sam. He fucking heard Sam's voice on the other end.

" _...and they seem to be concentrated in this one area-"_

His words were cutting out but it was amazing to even be able to hear him at all. "Oh my God, Charlie. That's Sam," he whispered. She nudged his arm and gestured for him to speak up. Dean cleared his throat and began, "Sam? Sammy? Can you hear me?"

The static was beginning to irritate Dean, as he tried desperately to hear what was going on, on the other side. " _Shhh,"_ Sam said, " _Did you hear that?"_

Dean leaned in closer to the laptop. "Sammy, it's me, Dean. I'm at Harvelle's. Remember when we came here, when Ash found us and-"

" _Dean?"_  There was shuffling coming through now. " _Shhh, guys, shut up."_

"Yeah, it's me. I'm in Heaven, Sam."

" _Holy shit, Dean. You're with Ash?"_

"And Charlie. Can you believe Charlie's here too? They're like the Lone Gunmen of Heaven."

"Hi Sam!" Charlie sang and waved as if he could see her.

Dean was smiling now, being able to chat with Sam was unbelievably satisfying, even if it did hurt a little. He imagined how they were sitting, Sam was in the driver's seat, no doubt. Maybe Cas was in the passenger seat, Gabriel in the back. He wondered if they still kept his dead body, or did they just leave it? Nah, they wouldn't have left it in that motel room, so Dean's lifeless body was probably in the back seat and the thought made the hair on his arms stand on end.

Cas was probably in the back then, holding Dean. Probably crying and… yeah this fucking hurts.

" _What… Dean, oh my God. You have no idea how happy it is to hear you, to know you're in… wow."_

The fact that Sam actually sounded relieved set Dean's mood a little lighter. "Yeah Sam, it's the same as when we were here together, stink and all." Dean smirked at Ash who gave him an offended look.

" _Dean, that's great."_ A pause. " _Dean, we… we're hoping God will… uh, maybe bring you back, but-"_

Dean didn't know what to say. Of course he wanted to go back to his brother and Cas, but having false hope wasn't something he'd wish for them. Would God even give him another chance? After all he'd done with the Mark and… well, he wasn't so sure he was on God's good side. He didn't want to say that aloud, though. He didn't want to bring him down anymore than he probably was.

" _Dean, did you hear me? Maybe we can get Charlie back too, even Ash-"_

"Woah woah, hold on tiger. I ain't goin' anywhere," Ash protested

"Yeah, no offense guys, but I'm really happy here," Charlie said with a nervous smile.

" _Dean… Dean?"_  That was Cas' voice now and Dean's heart sped up. He sounded so hoarse, more so than usual. He pictured Cas' face right now, probably so full of worry and pain, his eyes probably bloodshot and swollen. Dean just wished he could wrap his arms around his angel and bury his head in his neck.

"Cas? Yeah, I'm here."

" _Oh Dean, this is a little weird. I have your body… we're on our way to… Dean, is it nice there? You left your personal heaven?"_

"Yeah," Dean began, "It was too Matrixy. I was in the bunker, with you and Sam, and Charlie but," Dean glanced at Charlie, realizing she had no idea what had been going on with him and Cas, but since this was a one time thing, he was not going to miss the chance to tell Cas the truth about how he felt up here.

"It wasn't really  _you_  and I guess it kinda bugged me, you know? Since what you told me in the motel room about soulmates and all..."

He heard more static and some whispers that he thought was Sam. There were whimpers now and God fucking dammit, Cas was crying. Dean shot a quick look at Charlie who was now watching him with her hands tented over her mouth.

"Cas? Are you still there?"

" _Y-yes, Dean. I'm here."_

Shit. He was crying and Dean couldn't fight the tears that were building in his own eyes. "You take care of each other okay? I'll see you when you get here, Cas."

Dean was crying now and Charlie put her hand on his back and gently rubbed it. There was so much he wanted to say but he just couldn't find the right words. He was sure that he didn't want to say goodbye because it sounded too permanent and he knew he'd be seeing Cas again. Someday they'll be together again.

" _Dean-"_

"I love you, Cas," was all Dean could say before his voice cracked.

Dean's head fell in his hands and he could feel Charlie lean over.

"Hiya Cas, it's Charlie. We're gonna take extra care of Dean over here, okay?"

" _Hello, Charlie, and thank you."_ More static. " _Dean? I love you too. I-"_ The radio cut out and there was nothing now but a low humming noise. Dean turned to Charlie and she gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Well, at least you got talk to them."

Dean rose from the bar stool and began to pace. He wasn't expecting to be so worked up. He thought he'd be fine here, he'd talk to them and feel better but now, he just couldn't bear the thought of them so sad. Cas was crying and he was sure Sam had been a mess. This was torture. He should go back to his Memorex Heaven and forget all about this.  _This_  was too much for him.

He sat at a booth in the far corner. He watched Charlie close her laptop and join him, occupying the seat across from him. She leaned in, resting her elbows on the table. "So you and Cas, you guys finally..."

Dean nodded. Charlie beamed.

"That is so fantastic, Dean. Truly."

"Yeah? And what? I get to break his heart by dying? Sam, well, I know Sam will be strong, but Cas… he'd never have to… fuck!"

"No, it sucks, trust me. Who the hell wants to be in love and not together? I mean, ugh. But Dean, you guys did it. You both finally gave into your feelings. That's unbelievably awesome!"

Dean kept his gaze down as she spoke. Charlie continued, "So, how did it happen? Did you just walk up to him one day and tell him how you felt? Or did you kiss first? Or did he-"

"Charlie. This is fucking hard right now. Every time I think about how… shit, this hurts."

It felt like yesterday that he was crawling in bed with Cas for the first time, wrapping his arms around him, melting into him. There was no feeling in the world that compared to lying next to Cas. The energy, that intense fucking energy that would flow through them, twisting and infiltrating every part of him, and pulling them like some rope binding them together. Dean had felt it over the years but nothing as powerful as when he and Cas finally gave into their love.

He missed it so much. He wanted it back. He didn't want it to end and it dawned on him that his Heaven felt like hell.

He  _should_ talk about Cas. He should revel in the nice memories he now could hold onto. Charlie was giving him that adorable look that he'd always been a sucker for. Like she did that day in the bunker when she made him promise to tell Cas how he really felt about him and so he couldn't forget that Charlie did play a huge role in bringing them together. Dean inhaled and let out a heavy sigh before starting his story for Charlie.

"When the mark was gone, something happened to me, Charlie. I can't explain it and it wasn't like all at once, but I started to feel lighter. Things that used to cause me to… I don't know, suppress shit, kinda left. I wanted to be closer to Sam. Closer to Cas. I didn't want any day to go by where I wasn't appreciating them fully,"

Charlie listened intently.

"So," he added, "I said to hell with it and went for it, you know, with Cas. I kinda tested the waters at first, nothing too obvious but I think Cas was onto me. He's smart," Dean smiled, thinking of Castiel's reaction when Dean had kissed him. "Then I kissed him."

Charlie grinned, ridiculously wide, and clapped. "This is so… I'm floating here, Dean. This is great. Really really great. You guys are like my OTP! Go on."

Dean crinkled his brow at the phrase, totally clueless as to what an  _otp_  was, but he shrugged it off and said, "Cas was already showing signs, like, giving me hints that he wanted it. We were in bed and… wait, this might be too personal."

Dean smiled when her eyes widened and she waved her hand for him to continue. "I kissed him because Cas was like close,  _really_ close, and he was almost asking for it. Well, it was the best kiss I had in my entire life. I guess we just took it from there and Charlie, I've never been happier."

The frown on his face told a different tale now.

"Wow, you were literally glowing when you were talking about him just now. But now your smile is upside down, Dean. Don't be down. You'll see him again… it's not so bad-"

"Not so bad? At least your family is already dead so you can pop over and see them whenever you want, but Cas and Sam… they're alive and they're mourning and-" Dean cringed as the words left his mouth. He wished he could take it back.

"Holy crap, Dean. Okay first of all, fuck you. I spent half my life without my family while I was alive. Second of all, boo fucking hoo. Yeah, I am so sorry you're dead and they're not but how about being happy they're not, huh?"

Was she channeling Bobby? "Charlie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-" 

"No, I get it Dean. I do. I'm not a cold bitch or anything, but you have to accept the fact that you're here now. And guess what, you know you'll be spending your Heaven with Cas, someday. That information alone is fucking awesome."

Dean cracked a small smile and he extended his hands and grabbed hold of Charlie's. "I know. Again, sorry. I'm being selfish and I don't mean to be. It's great seeing you again. My God, it's been hard, Charlie. When we found you… I was devastated to lose you, you know. I kind of went off the deep end, I attacked Cas-"

"What?"

"It was a dark time. The mark was turning me into something I had been wishing I'd never be."

Charlie sighed. "But it's gone and Sam and Cas are dealing with the aftermath now and they  _will_ be okay, you know that. Things will be okay." She leaned in again. "About this Darkness, you mentioned looking for God?"

Dean nodded.

"Okay. Well, we're all pretty much screwed if this thing gets out of control huh? I may have heard some angel chatter… I suck at Enochian but Ash here is fluent, he translated it, but anyway, it sounded really bad. Real ominous."

"It is. It'll destroy earth, Heaven, even Hell. It created these fucked up sith angels too, that are like impossible to kill."

Charlie sat back with a smug look on her face. "Oh, nothing is impossible to kill. While I never underestimate the power of the darkside, they aren't unbeatable. Everyone has an Achilles heel." She winked.

"You've got a point." Dean winked back at her.

And she did. Everything they had ever fought in the past, had a weakness they could exploit and use to gank them. He had hoped Sam and Cas would find out what it was, in time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Cas hadn't even noticed how badly he was pulling at his own hair until he felt some loose locks between his fingers. He looked down at his shaking hands and turned back to Dean's lifeless body in the backseat. He had been leaning so far ahead to hear if Dean was coming back to the radio, but it had been just static for a good ten minutes.

It felt like he was falling into an abyss. The world around him spun and turned dark and all he could focus on was Dean's voice, Dean telling him he loved him through a God damned radio speaker. His effort at pulling himself together failed and his heart broke even more when he glanced briefly at Sam who'd been a crying mess.

He should be strong for Sam. Sam just lost his brother. Castiel's job, his purpose was to make sure the Winchesters were okay, strong enough to fight, but the idea of even trying to comfort anyone right now was hapless. He couldn't even imagine having the strength to do so and that left his heart heavy. He was being selfish. He knew it but he couldn't help it.

His eyes burned so badly from crying that when he used his sleeve to wipe some tears away, the sting of the raw and sensitive skin made him hiss. He'd never cried like this before. He'd never felt such loss. Not even when Metatron had told him that he'd killed Dean. Yes, Castiel recalled the tears, feeling empty and alone, but he was so full of rage back then toward the scribe, that his grief was overshadowed by anger.

This feeling was altogether new and severely intolerable. Castiel wasn't even sure if he'd be able to walk. His muscles were weak, or maybe not even there. Maybe his body had become soft like jello and he'd just melt away, right there in the car. Even his skin felt detached, like nothing about him even existed anymore. He had just come apart, seam by seam until there was nothing left.

And then he imagined himself on a long road, Dean there with his hand out, waiting for Castiel to grab hold of it. They walked together, somewhere. Anywhere, it didn't matter. He felt himself being put back together. His heart warm again, full and beating strongly. With Dean, he was complete. That's the way it had always been. His mind drifted to the time he was human and Dean had come help him with Efraim.

 

 

_**\--2014--** _

"I was trying to be human. Go on dates, live this life how I saw fit. Everything I do seems to backfire"

"Come on Cas, don't say that. This was just one hiccup. You'll get back on your feet, maybe meet someone worthy of your time, and she won't just be asking you to babysit."

They shared a smile. Castiel wished he could tell Dean that he didn't want another date, or some woman to ask him out. He wished he could go back to the bunker and be with Dean, but Dean had made it clear, it wasn't a good idea, not while Sam was still healing. Cas had felt useless. His angel powers were gone so now Dean didn't need him.

But he came and helped him. Invited him back to his motel room, refusing to let him sleep on the floor for another night. Refusing to let him be alone. Cas was thankful and that night had been wonderful. They talked for hours, and Dean showed him that he wasn't truly alone. Not ever. He'd always be there for him, no matter what. Castiel remembered his heart mending, just a little after that night. It was painful to see Dean go the next morning, but that night they shared, he'd hold onto forever.

 

_**\--Present day--** _

"Well, I hate to rain on anyone's parade, but guys, it's not letting up so we could either get back on the freeway or at least find a place to crash for the night," Gabriel said, interrupting Sam's cries and Cas' reverie.

Castiel's eyes unwillingly landed on Dean and he began to unravel again. His throat closed and he was finding it hard to swallow. He thought that this must be what a panic attack felt like, as he'd seen it happen to humans all of the time and now, it was happening to him. The sweat on his forehead dripped slowly down, over his eyebrows and into his lids. Okay, he was freaking out now and he had to get out.

He pushed off of the seat and scrambled for the door. Once open, he flew out of the car, swiftly, trying to avoid seeing his dead lover in the backseat again. The rain hit his head and he turned his face to it, allowing the drops to mask his tears. He was aware that he'd been walking but his eyes were closed and he really didn't care. The rain felt amazing. It was cold and hard and it was just what he needed to snap back into reality.

Though, this reality sucked.

He heard Gabriel call after him. Castiel ignored his worried brother and continued to walk down the empty road, not knowing where he was even going. There was no destination, no set place in his mind where he needed to be, other than with Dean. He began to scream at the top of his lungs, lamenting at the very real idea that he didn't know when he'd be able to look into those bright green eyes again. Those eyes that had always burned through him. Those eyes that would see Castiel the angel, not just Jimmy the vessel.

Those eyes that had told Castiel how much he loved him over the years when words had failed him.

He started to babble fragmented sentences on how much he'd already missed Dean and even when he felt strong arms embrace him, he continued screaming at the sky, or anyone else that could hear him.

"I couldn't save him. I'm human and I couldn't save him," Castiel cried, burying his head in Sam's chest. "If I'd been an angel, I could have-"

Sam sobbed, his body shaking as he held Castiel in his arms. The two dropped to their knees as the rain poured down on them. Castiel didn't care how soaked he was and in fact, he barely felt a thing. Thunder crashed overhead and while he tried to actually breathe, since the crying had almost literally made him pass out, Gabriel joined them and threw his arms over him and Sam.

No words were exchanged, just the warm comfort of his brother and friend surrounding him, making him almost wish he could disappear in their embrace. He wanted to hide himself in this moment, never show his face again to this cold world that had taken Dean away from him.

"Guys," Gabriel said, pulling back and rising to his feet. Castiel watched him as his eyes grew wide. He followed Gabriel's gaze and his stomach dropped. Flying above, about a half a mile away were the Belial. They were circling above something that Castiel couldn't see.

"What the hell?" Sam gasped.

"We need to move. Like now." Gabriel grabbed Castiel's arm and lifted him to his feet. "We should move on foot, it's too messed up out here to drive."

Sam nodded and Castiel turned back toward the car but Gabriel jerked him back.

"I can't leave Dean!"

"You have to. We can't carry him, we need to get out of here," Gabriel shouted against the roar of thunder and rain. Castiel pulled his arm out of his grip and ran to the Impala. He swung the backdoor open and crawled over Dean's body, grabbing his shoulders and tried lifting him up.

"Not gonna leave you, Dean. Never gonna leave you…"

"Dammit," Gabriel exclaimed behind him. He leaned in and helped Castiel drag Dean's heavy and lifeless body out of the car. Sam helped as well, until Dean was now laying on the wet pavement. Castiel held onto his shoulders, as Sam grabbed hold of Dean's legs and they moved together toward the woods.

It was hard to not to slip. The rain had started making huge puddles and the run off from the hill caused some flooding as well. They walked up the path that led to the small, _very_ small town. The main road had an Inn, one diner, one bank, and an ice cream parlor.

"I'll get us a room. You guys wait back here," Sam said, turning to them and then forward. Castiel nodded and glanced down at Dean. He was soaked, they all were. They managed to find a small bench outside of the bank which had an awning so they were protected from the weather in the meantime. Sam returned with a key to a room and they carried Dean inside.

There was a loveseat in the far corner of the tiny dank space where they set Dean down. Castiel ran into the bathroom and returned with towels. He threw one to Sam and one to Gabriel. He didn't bother with himself, he used his towel to dry Dean's face and hair.

"Let's get you dried up."

"Cas-" Gabriel placed a hand on Castiel's shoulder but he didn't look up.

"It's okay. I just wanted to get the extra water off of him. He's good now," Castiel said as he rose to his feet. He threw his jacket off and started to strip completely. It didn't matter that Gabriel and Sam were there, he felt miserable in these wet clothes, sticking to him like cellophane. It was suffocating him and making him shiver.

"I need to head back to the car and grab my things, my laptop, and stuff."

"Be careful," Gabriel warned, "Those Belial are flying pretty close."

Sam nodded and left. Castiel had forgotten to tell him to be careful so he whispered it to himself. Now, only in his boxers he headed over to one of the beds and fell on his back, letting a heavy breath escape him.

He knew that Gabriel was watching him and he was probably trying to figure out what to say. Castiel suddenly felt guilty for not even caring about the archangel's wounds, that were pretty awful. He hadn't even thought about it and it caused his stomach to flip. He realized how consumed with he'd been with Dean, it wasn't right to ignore everything else around him.

He leaned up on his elbows and caught Gabriel's gaze. "How are you feeling?"

Gabriel waved a hand. "Aw, I'm good, brother. I'll heal." Gabriel lifted his shirt and winced when the fabric brushed against a large gash he had on his stomach. Castiel's eyes widened and he hopped off of the bed and grabbed a clean washcloth from the bathroom.

"It's not necessary, Castiel. I'll be fine."

Castiel ignored him and he gently placed the wet cloth onto Gabriel's stomach. Gabriel let out a louder hiss and then chuckled.

"I haven't felt this kind of pain in… ever."

"I know, it's weird at first. I couldn't get used to it for a long time."

"Right. So this isn't your first rodeo as a human."

Castiel nodded. "Before that, I had lost my powers a few times, from being cut off from Heaven."

"Ah, well it had never happened to me since Heaven thought I'd been dead."

Gabriel smiled, slightly and sat back, meeting Castiel's eyes. "I know this is all really hard for you. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I mean, sure I'd been in love, that Kali…" Gabriel drifted off before shaking his head back to reality. "Anyway, if there's anything I could do-"

Castiel gave his brother the tiniest smile and backed up, heading to the bathroom to rinse out the washcloth. "Thanks, Gabriel," he said from the other room. When he came back out of the bathroom, Gabriel was moving to one of the beds.

"Dean's my everything. He'd always been my everything. I don't know how to even be here without him. I've never…" Castiel sat down on the other bed and his shoulders slumped. He couldn't even cry, he thought maybe because there were just no more tears left inside of him.

"I pulled him out of Hell, Gabriel. I saw him, this bright shining soul and I was instantly in love… and I'd never been in love before."

Gabriel listened with a warm expression. He was happy that he let Castiel speak, without adding his own thoughts on the subject. Castiel continued, "I spent years trying so hard not to feel it. I tried so hard to bury my own heart. I shouldn't be able to love like that. It was wrong. It was not how an angel should feel, or behave… but it was impossible, Gabriel. I loved Dean. I  _love_  Dean. I always will. And he loves me too. He loves me, Gabriel."

The archangel inhaled, deeply and tilted his head. He spoke when Castiel had made it obvious that he was done speaking. "Look, this rule about us angels not being allowed to love humans, or be intimate, or whatever, is a crock of shit."

Castiel's head raised and he looked at Gabriel. He continued, "That rule was shot down by God long before he left, but Michael and… well, some other angels didn't listen. They kept enforcing it, even after all of the Watchers were wiped out. It was because of them the rule was even made. But once they were gone, Cas, God himself got rid of it."

"So why was Michael so insistent?" Castiel remembered that small memory he had gotten back. "Oh, because of me." His head bowed.

"Well, it was fucking stupid to make the mark a god damned key to hold the Darkness at bay, don't you think?"

Castiel nodded.

"So, what the hell, huh? They've wiped your mind so many times, I'm sure if you knew, you could have warned Dean to not get the mark in the first place. Heaven is so fucked up right now, Cas. You can't be blamed-"

"They cut my wings off, Gabriel. They took my grace. No matter how screwed up Heaven is, they still have power and they can still lay down judgement."

Sam came in, making a hell of a lot of noise in contrast to the quiet conversation the other brothers were having. Sam unwrapped his laptop from a blanket and set down on the tiny table near the window. He placed a first aid kit next to it and glanced at Gabriel.

"We should get your wounds cleaned up and patched, Gabriel."

Gabriel gave Cas a look then he rose and met Sam by the table. He watched as Sam attended to Gabriel and it wasn't long before he buried himself under the blankets and drifted off to sleep, all while thinking of the times he and Dean were together


	20. Chapter 20

Dean sat back in the booth watching Charlie and Ash do what is it they did best. Ash was translating Enochian off of Angel Radio while Charlie put the sentences together and then searched for clues as to God's location. The angels all seemed pretty clueless, from the information Ash had been getting but it didn't hurt to try and figure out what their game plan was. Even if it seemed pointless.

Charlie turned to Dean with her notepad in hand. "You know, I never thought it'd be saying this, like ever, but I think God is really alive."

"Yeah. Just the  _where_  is the real question," Dean replied.

"The angels are spooked. They're all being sent on missions to find him. Or her." Charlie smiled, brightly. "

He remembered Cas and his holy mission to find God. It was bittersweet, seeing Castiel with all that hope and faith, then to witness it suddenly fade once he got the news from Joshua. Castiel had always walked with such goodness in him. There wasn't really a bad bone in that angel's body. He saw things so differently than Dean had. Dean was skeptical about people. He didn't trust easily at all. He'd always seen himself as a pessimist. But Cas… no Cas was the exact opposite. He believed in Dean even when Dean couldn't find it in his heart to believe in himself.

And there Cas was again, hopeful in finding God. Even after that trainwreck from those years ago. It hadn't swayed him. It hadn't destroyed his faith and that amazed Dean. Truly. He had always known, had always felt, that Castiel was the light in his life. The one constant reminder that pure hearts do exist. Even if at first Dean refused to believe it.

He'd give anything to just look into those blue eyes again. All those years Dean had shared stares with him, he never realized how much he'd miss it.

"I've always loved him," Dean said aloud, not to anyone in particular. His eyes shot to Charlie and she was staring at him.

"I know," she said, walking back over to him. "We all knew."

"All the time I wasted. All the years," Dean rested his head against the wall and sighed. "We should have had more time."

Charlie placed her hand on his arm, her face warm and sympathetic. "Hey, we're gonna find out how to defeat these sith bastards and then we can try and call down to Sam and Cas again."

Dean smiled at her and silently nodded. For now he'd talk to Castiel in his mind. He closed his eyes and he tried to silently to reach out to Cas, like he used to when he prayed to him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"I can't fucking look at it anymore, Cas. I just… can't. Get rid of it," Sam shouted.

Castiel's blood was boiling and he felt all the veins on his temple throb. He was tired of arguing with the younger Winchester but he was even more tired from the woeful looks he'd been giving him all night.

"I'm not leaving him."

"It's not even him, Cas. He's dead and his body is gonna start to-" Sam sat down at the table, refusing to look over at his brother's lifeless body. "Just do something. It's too hard, Cas."

Castiel tore the sheets off of his bed and walked over to the loveseat. It was hard for him too, seeing Dean this way. His face had turned an ashen color and his once blushed lips were now a sickly hue of blue. He draped the sheet over him, slowly, covering his face last. He froze, swearing he could hear Dean's voice. He was saying his name, calling out to him like he used to. Castiel almost answered him back when he realized he must had imagined it. He took one last look, swallowed the lump in his throat and then glanced at Sam who'd been watching silently.

"Thanks, Cas."

Castiel approached the distressed hunter and threw his arms around him. He was going to be there for Sam, and put aside his own grief. He was still the Winchester's guardian, and that meant he needed to look after Sam. "I'm sorry, Sam. I know I've been… awful."

"It's okay, I get it." Sam pulled away and wiped the tears from his eyes. "It's hard to say goodbye. After everything we've been through… it just seems so wrong. So stupid that a God damned dark angel got him. We've survived so much, it just doesn't make any sense."

"Death never does."

 

 

The rest of the day was spent keeping a close eye on the flying Belial. It was a necessary distraction for Castiel. He was finding himself zoning out while staring at Dean under that stiff starched sheet, and he knew it would drive him crazy if he didn't think about something other than his dead lover on the sofa.

The rain did let up some, not much, but enough for them to move outside and scope out the town. Gabriel had gotten them all hats and thick sunglasses, as if a disguise would outsmart the dark angels. Castiel wasn't sure how long it would last, but so far, they were undetected.

The angels seemed to be hovering over one specific area and the closer the boys got, the better they could see what exactly they had been congregated over. The trio stepped casually down the tree lined block and turned the corner, hiding behind thick brush. There was a house at the very end of the street that had been the main focus of the Belial. Castiel and Sam shared a look and sighed.

"I wonder what's so special about that house," Sam said.

"If God's alive, do you think he'd be living in some Tudor style home in the middle of Indiana?" Gabriel asked, laying his hand on Sam's shoulder to peek out for a better view.

"Don't know. But I think we need to find out who that house belongs to," said Castiel.

Sam looked up at street sign and began mouthing numbers. He was probably trying to figure out the address before heading back to the motel and punching it in onto his laptop. Sam was great at this sort of thing. He could find records of anyone and every house, dwelling in any town. It impressed, Castiel and it also made him realize how useful that skill had been in helping the hunters with their cases over the years.

Back at the motel, Sam went online, checking all the public records and census for that street. He sighed, rubbing his temples and then pushed on, appearing as if he'd not been getting far with the research.

"The house, the one that I'm assuming is that last one on the block, had been owned by a Wanda Lockley, then in the seventies, it was bought by Frank Dalingo, and had been vacant until someone by the name of Charles Carver bought it. That was in 2012." He looked at Castiel and shrugged.

Castiel leaned on his elbow, stroking his chin. "What is so special about the owner? Or maybe the house itself holds something in it? Or the grounds it was built on?"

"Yeah, I checked that plot and it doesn't appear to have had anything significant take place there or had been built on since that house. I think our only option is to just go there."

"Hang on, hang on. You guys really don't get it?" Gabriel said, with his arms out.

Cas and Sam looked at each other then at Gabriel and shook their heads in unison.

"Really? Charles Carver… Charles, Chuck… Carver Edlund…"

Castiel's eyes widened. He shot a look at Sam who was also showing signs of revelation. "Holy shit, Chuck!" Sam yelled.

"I mean, I never met the guy but come on, it's seems totally obvi to me," Gabriel said, smirking at the boys.

"Why would the angels be interested in Chuck? He can't still be a prophet, because Kevin-"

Gabriel clicked his tongue. "So maybe he's not, or maybe he'd been something different, altogether, who knows, but I say we sneak our tookuses over there and find out."

In just a few minutes, the boys were making their way to Florence Street., ducking and hiding, doing their best to stay out of view from the crazy angels overhead. Sam took the lead and slithered his way past the front gate and up the small stone walkway. When he reached the front door, he pressed his back against it and motioned for Cas and Gabriel to come.

They all stuck close together as Sam tapped on the door with just one knuckle. Castiel kept peering overhead, but luckily there was a covered entryway so the angels would have to come down lower if they'd want to get a look at them. Sam knocked again as the three eyed each other, eagerly.

No response.

This time Sam tapped a little bit louder. Nothing. His jaw clenched and he curled his hand into a fist and slammed it against the door, almost pounding it in. He whispered, loudly, "Chuck, open up. We know you're in there."

Finally the door cracked ajar, the chain preventing it from opening all the way. A very scruffy, haggard Chuck peeked out. "Sam?"

"Yeah, can we come in?"

Chuck nodded, unlatched the chain and slowly opened the door. He gave Sam a shy smile and then nodded at Cas, but when he and Gabriel met eyes, they both looked like they'd seen a ghost. The three men headed inside and Chuck slammed the front door shut and secured all the bolts.

"We had no idea you were even alive? Where've you been?" Sam asked him.

"Crazy thing I uh…" Chuck looked at everyone, backing up and acting like his usual freaked out self but something about him was different and Castiel couldn't quite place it. He watched Chuck closely as his eyes set on Gabriel again.

"Yeah, tell us what the hell is going on... DAD," Gabriel said, with angry tone.

All eyes shot to Gabriel.

"You-you know who I am? You see the real me?" Chuck asked.

"What the hell is going on?" Sam shouted.

Castiel felt his skin heat up. It all started to make sense, who Chuck was. Who'd he always been. But why cover it up? Why did Castiel assume he'd been a prophet? Or was he a prophet and now suddenly something more? God?

Castiel needed answers.

"Chuck?"

Chuck sat down on the couch and shook his head. "It's all just crazy, guys."

He turned to Castiel. "I'm so sorry, about your…" Chuck snapped his fingers and suddenly Castiel felt electricity run through him. His back tingled and he felt his wings again, flapping behind him. His eyes grew wide as he looked at Chuck.

The power of Heaven, of God, was filling him now, each cell in his body reacting to his grace as if parts of him were coming alive, bit by bit. There was something different though, about his power. He turned behind him and saw that his wings were fixed, full and glorious as they had been before his grace was stolen the first time.

"Guys, what the hell is going on?" Sam was watching Cas, completely lost and confused. His face lit up as Castiel emitted a luminous glow which was now filling the entire room.

"And Gabriel," Chuck snapped his fingers again and a light flowed over Gabriel. He threw his head back and inhaled, deeply.

"Ah, that feels much better," Gabriel said with a smile that soon faded. "It still doesn't make up for you abandoning us, Dad."

"Chuck is your dad?" Sam asked, looking back and forth between them. Sometimes Sam's cluelessness was adorable. He couldn't even put two and two together that if Gabriel is calling Chuck, Dad, that can really only mean one thing. Chuck nodded and turned to Castiel again.

"Go bring him back. Go revive him, Castiel."

Castiel had a million questions. For one, why the hell was Chuck, God? But it wasn't as important as bringing back his Dean. He gave Sam a quick look then he raced for the door, unlocked it, and ran with haste down the street, not even looking up to see if the angels detected him.

His head didn't even feel attached. In fact, his entire body was humming with power, he realized now that he could just zap to the motel. Chuck had restored everything and before Castiel blinked, he was standing in front of a sheet covered Dean.

He dropped to his knees and peeled back the stiff fabric. He cupped Dean's cheek with his palm and channeled his grace. It had been so long since he'd been able to do this, or had even been able to heal at all. His skin tingled a little and he could feel the glowing halo around him now. He couldn't control his wings from extending behind him, as the power that was now flowing through him was making him complete.

He was an angel again.

He looked down at Dean's face as the color seeped back into his cheeks. His lips turned from that horrible blue to the normal pink color. Castiel smiled at the freckles now peppered across his face and he flinched when Dean drew in a hefty breath.

Dean gasped, and choked, so Castiel brought his other hand to Dean's face and held him. Dean's eyes flickered open and the first thing he looked at was Castiel. Their eyes met and Dean's eyes went from recognition to shock. He looked behind Castiel and blinked, obviously seeing Cas' wings for the first time. Cas knew they weren't in the aether but that his wings were here, fluttering and extended high above him.

"C-Cas?" Dean met Cas' gaze again.

"Dean." Castiel smiled and brought his head down onto Dean's chest. His breathing was glorious and the sound of his heartbeat put Castiel onto a different plane of existence. He held onto Dean tightly as he helped him to a sitting position. "How do you feel?"

"Cas… holy shit. Wings. Cas your-"

Castiel smiled, loving this part of Dean. The little boy with wide eyes and wonder and seeing it on a very grown up Dean was adorable. "Dean, are you feeling okay? Answer me."

Dean nodded, his eyes beginning to tear up. "Are you really here? Am I really here?" Dean rose to his feet, pushing Castiel off of him, gently. He turned around, looked down at Sam's laptop, half eaten burritos, water bottles. He snapped back at Castiel and a small smile crept over his face.

"I'm back?"

Castiel nodded, unable to control his tears. Dean practically fell into Castiel's embrace, hugging him so tightly, Cas was afraid Dean would crack a rib. Then he smiled, realizing that he wasn't human anymore. Dean pulled back, his own tears streaming down his face and he brought Cas' face in his hands and kissed him.

"I've missed you so much."

Castiel gently brushed his fingers against Dean's face, wiping his tears with his thumbs. "Ditto."

They hugged again and this time, Castiel grabbed the back of Dean's shirt and twisted his fist into it, never wanting to let go. His wings came around and behind Dean, enveloping them both. He should be zapping them back to Chuck's but he wanted to just revel in this moment for as long as he could. Five minutes ago, Dean was dead. Now here he was, alive and in his arms.

"You… you brought me back.. you're…" Dean's head tilted as his eyes focused on Cas' wings. He extended a hand and lightly ran his fingers across the feathers. His eyes were wide and his tear soaked lashes seem to glisten in the dim light of the room.

Castiel nodded.

"H-how?"

As much as he wanted to stay in this motel room with Dean, he knew they had to get back to the house. He wanted to see Sam's expression when he and Dean appeared back there. Sam was going to be thrilled and that alone was reason enough to go.

"Come on, you're not going to believe this."

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Dean!" Sam ran to his brother and hugged him, squeezing until Dean had to plead for air. "S-orry. Sorry but… holy crap, Dean."

"What the hell's going on?" Dean said to Sam, clutching his shoulders.

Sam smirked, shrugged, and said, "Well, Dean, meet God."

"Say what now?" Dean took his place next to Castiel. He eyed Chuck, curiously as the former prophet motioned for everyone to sit. He had no idea what was going on, but Chuck, God? Did he wake up in crazy town?

"That's Daddio, alright. Could tell him anywhere," Gabriel said, staring at Chuck.

"Guys, let me try and explain to you what happened. I, uh, a few weeks ago I was suddenly able to break through. Oh wow, I don't even know where to begin." The last part he said to himself, loud enough for the others to hear.

"How about you begin with telling us how in the hell are you God and where the hell have been?" Dean said, bitterness in his tone. Castiel took his hand and brushed his thumb across his wrist, in an attempt to soothe him.

"Y-yeah. Dean. I- I was finishing the book, you know, that last one when you guys… when Sam…"

"We lived it, we remember," Sam said.

"And then I was like gone. I don't know where but I wasn't in that house anymore. I was like in some void. Then-"

Dean stood, his face red hot. He didn't want to hear about Chuck's journey through space and time. He was flat out pissed that he had not lifted one finger. Nothing. "So all this time, you knew? You were God and you didn't fucking say anything? Or-or help us?"

"Dean, calm down," Castiel said, taking Dean's arm. Dean snatched it away and kept his gaze on Chuck. Sam and Gabriel rose to their feet, preparing to hold Dean back if he decided to attack.

"No it's okay, I deserve anything you guys throw at me. I-I don't even know how to pick up the pieces now." Chuck looked down, lost in his own thoughts. He shook his head, as if arguing with himself and then he looked up at Cas.

"Castiel, they should have never done that to you. Heaven is a mess." Chuck withdrew, dropping his head in his hands.

"I don't understand. How are you…  _my father?_ " Castiel tilted his head and Dean squeezed his hand again, knowing Castiel had changed the subject, not wanting to dwell on what had happened to him up there.

"Okay, well, something happened, I, I guess I didn't know, like something was blocking me. I- _Chuck_  was getting those visions, remember? The books..."

"Are you still writing them?" asked Castiel.

"No. Not since Swan Song. After that, like I said, I was gone. I was nowhere. I didn't understand what was happening to me. Then suddenly, I'm back and I… well I was able to come through as me. As God. Before I couldn't. Only in fragments, to allow Chuck to write those books and to... and to bring you back, Castiel."

Gabriel and Castiel shared a look. "When were you able to, you know, be you?" Gabriel asked him.

"Uh, a few weeks ago? A month ago maybe? I was sitting here, dr-drinking and I was hit with some bright flash, and I passed out. When I woke up, I was able to communicate again. I was able to talk to Chuck and come through."

Dean looked at Sam and their eyes went wide. "So I guess the real question is, why did you leave Heaven?"

Castiel rose and left the room. Dean jumped to his feet to follow him but Gabriel held his hand up. Dean sat back down, shaking his head. He peered at Chuck and with a scowl, and spoke,

"You know, with me, I don't give a shit. I wore that fucking mark, I defeated Abaddon, hell, I even killed Cain. A little help with all that would have been nice, but you know what? It's him," Dean pointed toward the direction Castiel went.

"It's him you need to talk to. He'd been looking for you, he tried to fix Heaven dozens of times, and for what? For you to be holed up here as some fucking fake prophet while your precious angels up there tore him to shreds?"

"Dean..," Gabriel turned to him. "This is God, nevertheless. Show some respect."

Dean punched the table next to him, holding himself back from throwing his first into Gabriel's jaw.

"Respect? Are you fucking me?"

Chuck slowly lifted himself off the sofa and held his hands up. "It's okay, Gabriel. Dean's right. I," He turned to Dean. "When I left… Heaven, and I chose Chuck as my… well, I didn't expect him to, he was supposed to just be my prophet but-"

"But?"

"But something went wrong. Most of my powers, they… they were gone. At the time, I was fighting inside of him, only able to come out here and there. Chuck had no idea what was going on, and me, well, I could barely stay focused while in this vessel. Something went terribly wrong and for years, I couldn't reach out and talk to you guys as myself. As God."

He was on his feet now, pacing. Dean studied him and it was odd seeing him, as Chuck, as the usual drunken fearful kind of guy, now emanating a certain energy, something powerful and old and Dean realized he had been seeing it for the first time. Never before had Chuck had this other worldly, supernatural quality to him.

Dean had always found it odd, seeing as he was supposed to have been a prophet, but rarely ever showed signs of being anything more than an ordinary human. Even Kevin appeared super every now and then. But Chuck? Always with the stuttering and awkwardness, half out of his mind, always intoxicated. Now, there was that certain  _something_ shining out of him.

"You should talk to Cas," was all Dean said as he sat back down and ran his fingers through his hair. He let out a heavy sigh and met Chuck's eyes. "Please," he begged, shaking his head, slightly.

Chuck nodded and headed into the other room.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel sat at the kitchen table, head in hands and he was finding it hard to control his emotions. All of these years, all this time, God had been in Chuck? And he'd spent time with him, talking to him, finding him during those crucial moments right before he'd been torn to shreds by Raphael. He'd brought him back, twice. Or was it three times? And all this time, it had been this little alcoholic author of the gospels.

He had wanted to kick himself for not being able to see it. Him, of all people should have been able to sense God, even if he was being de-powered or trapped inside of a prophet's vessel. There should have been some hint in his eyes, something.

Castiel recalled being told of the prophet, for Chuck Shurley was for a name on the list. Maybe since God took over his vessel, it threw off the lineage. Chuck was no longer the only prophet on earth, for Kevin came to be. Still, all this time, he could have been working on setting things right, to allow God to speak through this disheveled man, to take back Heaven and put an end to all the suffering that had taken place there.

Metatron, Naomi, the list went on.

"Castiel," Chuck said from behind him. Castiel didn't bother to look and kept his gaze forward at the vacant wooden pantry shelves, that were collecting dust and cobwebs.

"Do you eat? Why is this kitchen so unused?" Even the sink looked like it hadn't been turned on in decades.

He heard the sound of the chair scraping across the tiles. "Look, if I could have had any control-"

"You left. You left us alone to answer to Michael and Zachariah. You..." Castiel finally made eye contact with Chuck. He recognized him now.  _Dad_. Even though he'd never seen him before. Seeing or talking to God was only reserved for the very elite few.

"I'm sorry, my son. I'm truly sor-"

"Don't call me that. You abandoned me,  _us_. You don't get to call me your son."

"Cas."

"Was it even your orders for me to pull Dean out?"

Castiel felt tears building in his eyes. He turned his gaze to the ceiling and blinked to prevent them from falling. He recalled how many orders back then that had been labeled "from God" but he had later found out they weren't God's orders at all, and all just some elaborate lie. Some scheme to bring about the apocalypse.

"You and he are… I'm sorry for everything Zach and Michael had put you through. They had a plan and there was nothing I could have done." Chuck sighed, loudly and placed his hand on Castiel's, and Castiel didn't flinch.

Cas understood being powerless. He knew all too well to be unable to right the wrongs that he or others had so carelessly made, but he refused to think of his meeting Dean as some elaborate scheme made by the very tyrants that had been in control of Heaven at that time. He deserved better. Dean deserved better.

Chuck added, "You and Dean were always meant to cross paths. I knew that from the very beginning. Since you came to be. You are very special to me, Castiel. Your destiny had always been to fall in love with him. This's why you were different. I had to make sure you weren't like the others, Castiel. Whether it was some ridiculous plan set in motion by Zach, or something else, you would have been with Dean, some way, some how."

Cas began to cry. He was unsure why, because this news was anything but terrible. Maybe it was the fact that he was sitting here, with his dad,  _finally_  and he was confirming everything that Castiel had always felt in his heart. Chuck and Cas made eye contact again and Chuck flashed him the slightest smile.

"Your love, Castiel, was supposed to cure Dean of the mark but Dean... he killed Cain and that had left him with the only one bearing it. If only I'd been able to-"

"Wait? Dean was destined to get the mark of Cain?"

Chuck nodded.

"And I was to cure him?"

Another nod. "Yes, but killing Cain, well that was not in the plans." Chuck turned his body so now he was facing Castiel and his tone became much more serious. "I wasn't able to reach out, Cas. If I had, then I would have warned you about Cain. I would have set things right."

"Why did you leave in the first place? Why abandon all your children?"

Chuck's nostrils flared. It was apparent how distressed he was. Castiel tried to contain his anger, now that he saw the situation more clearly now, and for what it really was. His dad was locked inside the body of a prophet for years and he was unable to do anything about it. Something or someone had stolen most of his powers and the reality that the only way to win this war rests on the fact that they needed to restore God back to his full glory.

"I came down here to help. I thought if I… if I could communicate through the prophet, as prophets are the only beings I could even think about taking possession of, I thought I would have been able to help."

"Dad," Chuck's face softened, hearing Castiel call him that, "You left way before that. You've been gone, according to the other angels, for a millennium"

"Yes, I'd taken a sabbatical here and there. Came down here to witness humans in their finest, and their darkest hours. I wanted to experience the very beings I had created. But then… Michael grew weary. He fought with me about it. He didn't see it as I did. He felt I needed to remain in Heaven, and sure, he was right about many things but the humans, Castiel… they prayed to me, and they thought I would save them from pain, from suffering."

He paused.

"And I didn't ever do any of those things. I let them suffer. I let them feel the very thing humans can feel. With love, also comes everything else with it."

Chuck looked up at Castiel.

"I never wanted angels to stop loving humans. Those days, those days when the fallen were punished, that was the biggest mistake I'd ever made. I tired to revise the law, make it so angels and humans can be together, if they wanted to, but Michael, well, he fought tooth and nail on that. Next thing I knew, I couldn't go back home."

Castiel's eyes widened. "You were trapped on earth?"

Chuck nodded. "Michael had locked me out. Stolen my hand. The Hand of God as you lot called it, and I was unable to return. I spent centuries just wandering around, invisible and unable to do much. I could still resurrect people, angels, if need be, as you were a perfect example of that. I was still able to see the future, though at times, it was extremely clouded. My main power source was gone. I was trapped on earth and the only option I had was to possess prophets."

Castiel swallowed. He knew about the Hand of God, mainly through stories, as he did about the Darkness. It was the ultimate power. God's right hand. Not in the literal sense of course and in fact, Castiel had no idea what it truly was, but it was important, nevertheless. Important to God and the survival of Heaven.

"It worked for many years. I was able to speak through them, mainly to pray to Michael to allow me back. Well, at first I threatened the most severe punishment for his mutiny. But then I started to just beg him, plead with him to stop this nonsense. "

"And then when I saw things in Heaven start to become chaotic and out of control, I couldn't do a thing about it and my heart grew heavy. I knew Michael was destroying everything I had worked so hard to build. I knew he started making his plans to bring about the apocalypse, for in his mind, his destiny was not fulfilled until he fought his brother, Lucifer."

"I thought it was a good thing, you know, when you had decided to jump in and help Dean and Sam prevent the apocalypse. I thought having Michael in Hell would have been… beneficial, I would be able to get my Hand back and all would be back to normal. Of course, I had been wrong. I had no way to communicate to him."

Chuck sighed. Castiel listened, silently, still amazed that this conversation was even taking place. "So when I moved onto Chuck, something was wrong and I, well you know the rest." Chuck's shoulders dropped. "I hope you, and Gabriel, and the Winchesters can forgive me."

Castiel placed his hand on Chuck's shoulder. He squeezed it slightly and then before Castiel could react, Chuck brought him into a hug. When they pulled apart, Castiel smiled. "Of course I do and I know they will. We-we have bigger problems. We need to find your power."

"Yes. Without it, we have no hope of fighting the Darkness."

Castiel looked at the doorway to see the boys. He wasn't sure how long they'd been standing there so he rose and approached Dean. He took his hand and then turned to Sam, eyeing Gabriel as well. "We have to help him. The Hand of God is gone."

Dean looked past Cas to Chuck. "The what?"

Gabriel gasped. "So that's what happened? Your… wow. That's fucked up." He turned to Dean. "That's God's main power source. Like his battery."

Castiel nodded. "Without it, God is at half strength, if even that, and is probably fading," He looked at Chuck, "Right?"

Chuck nodded, eyebrows arched and appearing sad, defeated.

"So, once we get you at full God power, we have a chance?" Dean asked.

Chuck nodded. "Yes. well, there's something else I forgot to mention."

The guys surrounded the kitchen table. Chuck continued, "We need Michael and Lucifer."

"Come again?" Sam said, crossing his arms.

Gabriel sighed, "I was afraid you'd say that but," He turned to Sam. "We're gonna need more archangel manpower. They are, I hate to say it, strong ass warriors. We wouldn't have been able to beat back the Darkness if it hadn't been for them."

Chuck stood. "He's right. Look, I know how unsavory this must sound but-"

"Unsavory?" Dean let go of Cas' hand and approached Chuck. "Where do I even start?"

Castiel pulled Dean back to him. "First things first." He drew in a breath. "Do you think Michael knows where your Hand even is?"

"Since he was the one who took it, yes."

"Okay, then we go and ask him. Promise him release for the information, but he stays in that cage until we get it." Castiel felt good being in control over this. God,  _his dad_  was letting him. He trusted him.

They all looked at each other and nodded, Dean being the last. "Guess we'll need Crowley for this, huh?"

"To get into hell? Seems the best choice," Castiel said.

Gabriel held up his hands. "Wait, hold on. Before we do anything else, we need to get out of here. Those Belial, they've been hovering over this place and well, I sure as hell don't want them listening in on our plans." Gabriel turned to Chuck. "I know a place."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update: 2/16/2016: So, I know the episode The Vessel 11x14 is also about the "Hand of God" and wow, I was reading the description and my eyes almost popped out of my head :-) My take on it is a little different, just so you know. I still think it's cool they decided to use this in the show.


	21. Chapter 21

It was a modest sized mansion decorated with 1930s art deco styles. The foyer, where they stood, sat in between a large living room to their right and a dining area to their left. A staircase snaked around in front of them, leaving part of the second floor visible via balcony.

Castiel had to wonder why this place, of all places was Gabriel's house of choice. He spotted some old paintings, renaissance style, and chuckled. Famous paintings of Gabriel, Michael, and other religious artwork displayed throughout.

The wide open windows let in the ocean air, slightly moving the light flowy curtains, and it smelled wonderful. Castiel inhaled, deeply, letting the salty breeze fill his lungs. He glanced outside and noticed the beach view they had and he made a mental note to ask Dean to take a stroll on the beach with him later.

"This, my lovelies, will be our new batcave," Gabriel said, waving his hands.

Castiel reached out for Dean, making sure he wasn't dizzy from Gabriel teleporting them there. Memories of Dean and how uncomfortable he'd get from zapping around, usually leaving the hunter disoriented for a while afterwards.

Dean smiled at the angel and then barked at Gabriel. "It's nice, but it's hardly a batcave." His words drifted as his eyes landed on an enormous flat screen t.v. "Never mind, I think this place will do."

Sam and Castiel shared a laugh as the group collected into the main living room. The couches hugged the walls and each side came stuck out, in chaise style seating. There was not one, but two fireplaces on either side of the room and even more couches and tables set back against the other wall. He leaned over to a lamp and switched it on, welcoming the warm glow that it gave off.

Gabriel smiled smugly as he and Castiel made eye contact.

"The bedrooms are upstairs," he said with a wink.

Castiel made himself comfortable next to Dean, while Sam and Chuck settled in next to them. Gabriel pulled a lollipop out of his pocket and Castiel chuckled at how there had always seemed to be a never ending supply of candy for the archangel.

Gabriel pulled out the sucker with a wet popping sound and said, "Well, this is gonna be fun. Going to Hell, talking to Michael…"

"Yeah, I'm not entirely sure he'd be too happy to see us." Dean looked at Cas. "It wasn't like we all split on good terms."

Castiel nodded, thinking of the last time he'd seen Michael. It was on the battlefield and he had molotov'd him with holy fire. When he had gone down to get Sam, he remembered trying not to make eye contact with Michael at all.

That was a time he rarely thought of or talked about. It had led to such a disaster, he knew that bringing it up again would had been a bad idea. Sam's soul had been trapped in that cage and Castiel had been unaware. He and Sam were close, but they weren't as close as he and Dean. If that had been Dean, soulless, Castiel would have known it right away.

But with Sam, there had been no way to tell. Castiel felt horrible and guilty about it. So, he'd be sure to keep his mouth shut. No need opening up old wounds, especially for the boys.

There had always been much regret about bad choices, horribly orchestrated plans, poorly made decisions, but as each of them faltered, they had also been here to help pick up the pieces. To accept it, move on, and make it better. That is what the Winchesters had taught Cas over the years, that no one was beyond redemption. With each error, also came room for forgiveness. Always.

There were lessons the angels could have learned from humans. There was a reason they had been sent to earth to watch over them. For some angels, they did learn from humanity, but for others, they had only grown to resent them. Either wanting for themselves, what they thought was impossible, or seeing it all as an utter waste of time.

Anna, for example, wanted more than what she was. Uriel wanted nothing to do with the lot. He saw humans as insects, rodents, and Castiel had always seen that as pure blasphemy.

Then they had angels like Balthazar and Gabriel who had indulged a little too much in it all. They'd left Heaven, for one reason or another. Balthazar was just plain bored while Gabriel didn't agree with the politics, or the hierarchy was more like it. He ran away like a teen would run away from his family, to avoid all the bullshit and live among the very beings that he was taught were beneath him.

Castiel felt a pang of regret thinking about Daniel and Adina and what a mess that had turned into. Hannah had been seeking help in rounding up the angels who forbade to return to Heaven and it had been almost impossible for Castiel to make Hannah understand why they had wanted to remain here, on earth. He was torn between his duty and his heart and he had wished he listened more with his heart back then. Adina and Daniel deserved to be happy, to be here without Heaven's politics and now they were both dead.

That felt like a million years ago. He remembered wanting to care about Heaven's problems yet the only real concern he had at that time was Dean, who'd been a demon and was running around with Crowley (and doing a lot more he'd later found out) to which he swore he'd let go of because really, Dean didn't need to be reminded about his dark days, just as much as Castiel didn't need to reminded of his own.

Castiel looked at Dean and took a deep breath, knowing just how much he had almost lost. Dean leaned back, placing his hand on Cas' knee. Castiel smiled, loving the fact that Dean didn't care about showing him affection in front of Gabriel and Chuck. He knew Dean was already comfortable around his brother, and around strangers, well, Dean had never really cared about the thoughts of people he didn't know. But this was a whole new step.

Chuck sighed. "I suppose this isn't going to be easy, or quick."

Cas didn't notice Gabriel had left but when he returned, he had a platter of burgers, nachos, and drinks. Castiel chuckled at Dean's eyes widening at the sight.

"Wow, I actually didn't even realize I was hungry till now," Dean said, practically salivating.

"Yeah, I figured you'd be starving after being, well, dead and all," Gabriel mused. "Dig in," he said while setting the tray down on the coffee table.

Dean and Sam were the first to make a plate and Castiel glanced briefly at Chuck and assumed he probably didn't need to eat. But then Chuck reached over and picked up a burger for himself, humming and moaning as he took a bite.

"Mmm, thanks Gabe." Chuck opened his eyes and noticed Castiel staring at him. "Oh, yeah, I don't need it but come on, this shit is awesome."

Castiel laughed, nodding in agreement. Chuck continued, "Why not bask in it, right? I mean, while being human, sort of."

"Hey, no arguments, there," Castiel said and eyed Dean as he too appeared to be making love to his burger. Never before had he felt jealous of piece of food before, but the way he opened his mouth, and let his lips wrap around the meat and bread, and how he chewed, groaning like it was pleasing him in more ways than one. It was when he saw Dean start licking his lips and using his finger to soak up the juices that dripped down his chin that Cas was ready to check out those rooms upstairs.

They made eye contact and Dean stopped in mid chew and smiled at Cas. "What?"

"I say we check out those bedrooms."

Dean grinned and Cas stood, pulling Dean up with him. They smiled at the rest of the guys and then headed upstairs. As much as sitting around and planning their next line of attack was crucial, being alone with Dean and in his embrace sounded a lot more appealing to him.

 

 

 

The bedroom was huge, as expected in a place like this. The walls were decorated with a dark burgundy wallpaper with thin golden lines running down it. A king sized bed sat against the wall in the center. The plush down comforter drew Castiel in and he jumped on the bed, letting his body fall down into the softness.

"Oh this bed, Dean."

Dean smirked at him and walked over to the bathroom. His eyebrows raised as he turned to Castiel, grinning mischievously. "Oh, this bathroom, Cas."

Castiel hopped off of the bed and padded over to Dean. He threw his arm around him and rested his head on his shoulder. "So, bath?"

Dean nodded and soon they were both naked and filling the tub. Once the water was high enough, Dean turned the knob and stepped inside. He sighed with pleasure, looking at Cas, holding out his hand. "Come in."

The water was perfect as Castiel slipped in, facing Dean. Dean slid his legs under Castiel's, moving the angel's body to straddle him. They kissed, tenderly and Castiel moved his face to Dean's neck.

"Being without you was unbearable," he said against Dean's warm skin.

Dean pulled back. "Same."

He tried to push back the images of Dean's lifeless body laying across his lap in the backseat of the Impala. He tried not to think about how utterly empty he was, without hope, without the thrill of being alive, and how all he wanted to do was die so he could be with his beloved.

He was sure to never bring that up to Dean, for he knew how upset he'd be at knowing that Cas would have been happy to end his life once Dean was taken away from him. Dean was a fighter, he would have scolded Cas for thinking of such a thing. He recalled how surprised Dean had been when he had admitted that going back to Heaven after Purgatory might have led Cas to want to kill himself. He also remembered how devastated Dean had been knowing Cas wanted to remain in that land of abominations as penance, knowing it would have meant a certain death for sure.

No, he'd keep that to himself and he hoped Sam or Gabriel would never bring it up. It wasn't theirs to tell anyway. That was something Cas said out of desperation. Despair. Grief.

Furthermore, Dean was alive now, in the flesh, underneath him, holding him, showering him with kisses, and there would not reason to ever bring up his death ever again.

He kissed his lips again but this time, more hungrily. Castiel placed his hands on Dean's shoulders and started moving his hips, grinding. Dean moaned in his mouth, grabbing Castiel's ass and squeezed it.

"Cas." He stopped kissing him and pulled back a bit.

"Yeah?" Cas said, half out of breath.

Dean cupped his face in his hands and kissed him softly on the lips. "I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to… be this way with you."

Castiel thought about their history together and in no way was Dean the only one at fault for delaying their affair. Castiel could have revealed his feelings a thousand times, but he didn't. He kept it as hidden as possible, and now that he thought about it, the both of them had done pretty awful jobs concealing their feelings. He had to giggle at that.

Castiel smiled, kissing his forehead. "Don't be sorry. We were both idiots."

Dean chuckled.

"We could have had… when I was dead, all I kept thinking about was the time I wasted. With you."

"It wasn't a waste, Dean. It was our foundation. We had to build up to it."

He kissed Dean's nose and continued, "Yes, it would have been great to have started this years ago, but it's not like we don't have something to look forward to, right?"

Castiel kissed him again on the cheek, running his hands through Dean's wet hair. His lips brushed his cheek, his nose, then his closed eyelids. Dean pulled him closer and hugged him tightly.

"Cas," Dean grabbed the angel's shoulders and pulled him off of him a little, searching his eyes. "It's the future I want to talk about."

Dean's expression was thoughtful, and his lower lip started quivering as if he was suddenly nervous. Castiel tilted his head, unsure of what to make of it.

"Dean?"

"I," Dean's mouth was moving but no words came out. Castiel placed his hand on his cheek and gently caressed it, urging him to continue. "I don't ever want to lose you. I want us to be, " Dean's mouth twitched into a small smile. "Together forever."

Castiel inhaled, offering another kiss. Dean accepted and continued, "What I'm trying to say is, let's like… uh, let's make some kind of promise, something we can vow to-"

"Like wedding vows?" Cas interrupted, playfully.

Dean blushed even more so than he already was. "Y-yeah, something like that."

"Okay," Castiel straightened his spine. "Like, in front of people? A ceremony?"

Castiel could see the beginning of tears in Dean's eyes and he had to admit that he felt the emotion overflowing through him as well. Dean kissed him and then he cleared his throat. "If- if you want, but-"

"So a wedding," Cas said, smirking at the nervous hunter.

His playfulness was hiding his own nervousness, unsure as to where this conversation was going, and a million thoughts ran through his head. The biggest one was, will this topic ruin everything or make it better?

"Cas…"

"I'm kidding, Dean. I know, uh, that would be…"

Castiel thought of their conversation again that they had back in the bunker's shower and he was struck with an overwhelming feeling of hope. Dean was not asking to marry him, he knew that. Dean was far too reserved to openly discuss something like that, now. He was aware that Dean probably wanted it, he was probably thinking about it right now but Castiel had to remember that teasing him would only push him away and that was the last thing he wanted.

"We can promise here, right now. Okay?" Castiel added.

Dean smiled, slightly. "I'm not saying I don't want to... I mean, we could someday. If-if things calm down and… maybe we could."

Castiel wished he could stop the damn flipping in his stomach. This conversation was so intense and so awkward, he tried to think of what to say to change the subject. He wasn't good at this. Not at all.

"I would like that, someday." Castiel had managed to say  _that_ , at least.

"Wait, really? You would… like for real?" Dean's eyes were wide and his lips were trying to conceal a smile. Oh, he was confusing the hell out of Castiel right now, but he couldn't help but see this as totally adorable.

"Get married? Yes. Of course."  _Oh my god, I really just said that, didn't I?_

Castiel thought back to the days when all he would do was observe. For so long, his only duty as an angel was to watch and be invisible. Don't interfere. Watch the animals, the humans, the weather, Earth. For many angels, it was a tedious task. Especially for Anna, as he recalled. While being his superior, he did as she said but he remembered how impatient she had become, complaining about their orders and for some reason, it had irked her to not be able to interact with humans.

But Castiel had always found himself enthralled. He would watch young couples fall in love, get married, and it was all so beautiful to him. Even then, he often thought about what it would be like if he had that. To fall in love with that one person he was meant to be with and have a life like that.

' _A crack in his chassis',_  as Naomi so indelicately put it. Yeah, he wasn't made like the other angels and knowing that is exactly what God had intended made Castiel feel so differently now about those times. A satisfied smile crept over his lips and he sighed.

Yes, he was exactly who he was supposed to be and all of those years questioning himself and being plagued with self loathing were nothing but a fleeting memory. He had wasted energy on hating himself when all the while, he had been doing everything right.

Dean exhaled the breath he'd been holding in. "Wow. Okay. Uh, in that case, will you?"

Castiel tilted his head, trying to read Dean's face. Was he being serious right now? "Are you-are you asking me to marry you?"

All Dean did was nod and Castiel smiled wide, bringing his arms around the hunter's neck. He could not believe this was happening. He wanted to scream hoping that would let out some of the excitement building in his gut. "Yes, Dean. Yes, I will marry you. A thousand times yes."

"Well, I hope just the once." Dean laughed a little and kissed Cas.

Suddenly images of domestic bliss filled his head. He saw that scene again of Dean grilling, and then pulling Cas onto the grass, the warm sun hitting them as Dean looked down at him as if he was the most important being in the universe. Then the kisses would begin and soon they would be making love under the sky. Bodies becoming one with the moist earth beneath them, pulling and grabbing, clothes off and their heat consuming them.

Dean in the kitchen, preparing dinner and the pure joy in his eyes when he was in front of that stove, well nothing compared to it. Dean loved to cook, he enjoyed trying out new recipes, watching the agreeable looks on their as they tried his new experiment. It made Cas smile to see Dean enjoy such simple things in life, that didn't involve monsters or hunting. To be able to relish in the mundane, that was important. Very important.

He saw them shopping, picking out clothes for Cas to fill up his closet, Dean's closet because they would undoubtedly be sharing a room now, officially. He imagined their closet, one side filled with flannels and henleys while the other would have Cas' stuff, a modest collection of shirts and jeans, yet he still saw himself in Dean's rock band t-shirts, that Dean loved to see him in.

And Dean, as much as he loved seeing Cas in his clothes, he loved removing them even more so.

Cas' head swam as the two exited the bathtub and made their way to the bed, remaining lip locked the entire time. Dean, with Cas on top of him slid across the bed into a sitting position, his back leaning comfortably against the headboard. The kisses became hotter and wetter and their tongues moved around, dancing.

Castiel straddled Dean, keeping his thighs taught, squeezing and moving, cocks pressed firmly together. They were both throbbing and Dean reached behind and dug his fingers into the flesh of Cas' ass.

"Mm," Castiel hummed, staring into Dean's hungry eyes. "I want you inside me,"

Dean looked around, probably for something to make Castiel slick so the angel hopped off of his quickly and skipped to the bathroom where he remembered seeing a small bottle of massage oil on the counter next to the bathtub. The smile on Dean's face when Castiel swaggered back to the bed was priceless.

Castiel went back to straddling Dean and he handed Dean the bottle of oil, hinting for him to get the angel ready. Dean flipped the top open and poured some in his hands, rubbing them together and then massaging Cas' ass. He moved his fingers in between, spreading the oil and slipped a finger in, slowly. Castiel inhaled, sharply and leaned forward to allow Dean more room to play with him.

They kissed as Dean fingered Cas, adding another finger and Cas moved with him, taking it in. He moaned as Dean's fingers slipped out and was replaced with the head of his cock at Cas' opening. Castiel let out a heavy sigh when Dean pushed into him. He was so slow, and so careful, Castiel began to rock, letting him deeper inside.

Dean sprang up and wrapped his arms around the angel, holding him tightly as he thrust in and out of him. Castiel returned the hug and let his chin rest on Dean's shoulder as they moved. He held tightly onto Dean and their chests were now pressing. This position was so intimate and perfect, Castiel had to pull away briefly just to get a look at Dean's face.

His cheeks were flushed and most of the green in his eyes had been occupied by pupil. Castiel smiled as he kissed him, their lips hot with passion. Really, Castiel could do this all day and night. Sure, it was highly irresponsible and unlikely they'd be able to, but he loved to imagine it anyway. It was as if all those years they had been too scared to take this leap was suddenly poking at him, telling him that they needed to make up for all that lost time.

Yet he knew the best was yet to come. Their lives weren't ending, they were beginning. An entire new world awaited them, one in which they were together, as lovers, as they should have always been. This world was uncertain and Castiel understood that before peace, they'd have a hell of a journey, but it would be there waiting for him. That life, that perfect existence that was there, just for them, to grab and enjoy.

Looking down at Dean, seeing all that love in his eyes, that love that had always been there, but didn't have to be hidden anymore, Castiel knew that the word forever never had more meaning than it did right now. Dean rested his forehead against Castiel's and that was when the angel felt Dean fill him up, throbbing inside him.

That was all it took to bring Castiel to orgasm, moving against Dean's pelvis was enough for to bring him over the edge and he came as Dean slowed his movement. His head was dizzy and he hadn't even noticed that he'd been chanting in Enochian before he heard Dean gasping. Castiel lifted his dazed head and noticed Dean staring at him, wide eyed.

"What is it, Dean?"

Dean had an amazed look on his face, with the beginnings of a smile. "You, you're glowing. Like literally."

Castiel straightened his back and looked down at his body. He noticed the light surrounding them now, enveloping them both in a bubble of brilliant energy. Castiel chuckled, realizing it was his grace. This had never happened to him before, as he had never been at full power with Dean in this way.

"My grace, it's protecting us."

Dean grinned. "That's, uh, really cool. What were you saying?"

Castiel slid off of Dean and the two spread out on the bed next to each other, Dean pulling the sheets and blanket over them. They laid on their sides facing each other, Dean's arm lying across Cas.

"I hadn't even realized I was saying it aloud. It was Enochian."

Dean watched him, awaiting him to finish. Castiel blushed and he grew giddy at the feeling. "I am his and he is mine. We are eternal and our hearts are one."

Dean's jaw dropped, slightly. Castiel kissed his cheek and added, "Part of my vow, I guess."

They were silent for a while as they stared into each other's eyes.

Cas had no idea what to expect. With talk of marriage, of course that was the first thing on his mind, but he had to remind himself that they still had so much to deal with, ahead of them. Finding the Hand of God, which consisted of going down into Hell and talking to Michael, then what happened after that? They enlist the help of Michael and Lucifer to help bring down the Darkness again?

Would God- _Chuck_  have to make another mark? Another key? Would they figure out another way to defeat the Darkness without putting such a curse on someone? There were many questions and the answers seemed far too out of reach. He was amazed at the fact that after all this time, all these years, he  _did_  find God, his father, and in the most unlikely way. The story of how God was trapped here left him with an uneasy feeling in his gut. Michael had really screwed things up and he wasn't sure the archangel would be too eager to makes things right. Not with them.

Regardless. These were things Castiel could tackle another day, for now, Dean Winchester was lying beside him, staring at him with his sparkling green eyes that were so full of love, and warmth, and Heaven. Some day, all of these dark times will be behind them and maybe they  _will_  get married and start a whole new life together. Maybe with God back, things won't have to be so difficult for them anymore. Maybe Sam could have the life he always wanted, find himself a women to settle down with. Life could be simpler, easier for the brothers, and him. He wouldn't have to worry about losing Dean, or some horrible event tearing them apart. He could bask in his love for everyday they were together and maybe their life together could take a whole new turn.

Maybe, just maybe.

 

-To be Continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for joining me on this Destiel journey. I have this huge story to tell so I figured I'd split it up into two parts. [Part 2: A Sky Full of Stars](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5956429/chapters/13690738)  
> If you have any questions, feel free to comment or message me. You can also find me on tumblr: [FrecklesandFeathers|tumblr](http://frecklesandfeathers.tumblr.com/)  
> ~Lauren M


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